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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

loves boyfriend's mum more than me

37 replies

mum2602 · 30/08/2018 22:23

stays in his house every night. told me today she does not want to stay with us - we are a family - she is 26. She said she has never been part of our family - we have paid for private education, car, clothes etc. I cannot type anything else because Im so upset at this moment in time.

OP posts:
GertrudeCB · 30/08/2018 22:25

But she is 26! Let her live her own life.

noego · 30/08/2018 22:31

we have paid for private education, car, clothes etc.

And your point is???

RainySeptember · 30/08/2018 22:36

"Let her live her own life."

I agree with this but it must still hurt to know that your own dd prefers her mil to you, and that she has never felt part of your family.

OP, I think you will stand the best chance of salvaging a relationship if you let her go with your full support, without making her feel guilty. Tell her how you feel about her, how much you love her, and how she will always have a home with you, then see her on her way. Keep in regular contact,even if it's just a text, even if she doesn't reply.

If this has come from nowhere, if you honestly haven't done anything to warrant it, then it's probably more to do with wanting to live with her bf than not wanting to live with you.

And remember the year or so before you left your parents home? Didn't they drive you mad, their daft routines and rules? Most people can't wait to move out, while your dd has stayed longer than most.

RainySeptember · 30/08/2018 22:38

"And your point is???"

I took it to mean 'we gave her everything we could afford to give her and have no idea why she's now saying she never felt like a member of our family.'

greendale17 · 30/08/2018 22:40

it must still hurt to know that your own dd prefers her mil to you, and that she has never felt part of your family.

^I understand OP- you have her everything you could and now she has chucked it back in your face. Let her carry on, she’ll soon come running back.

Original poster
mum2602 · 30/08/2018 22:49

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2602 · 30/08/2018 22:50

You sleep with dogs you wake up with fleas!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 30/08/2018 22:52

Maybe she just wants to spend time with her boyfriend. Has she said she loves his mum more than you? Or is that your perception from her actions.

Original poster
mum2602 · 30/08/2018 22:53

she does not work - therefore has no paid employment. We provide all finances.

OP posts:
Original poster
mum2602 · 30/08/2018 22:58

She is studying for her masters - Im so stressed over this all - I suffered a stroke last year and I cannot take much more. Im a highly educated individual but my daughter stabs me in my heart and I need help please!!

OP posts:
ThinkingCat · 30/08/2018 23:13

I'm sorry you are upset about this.

I wonder what age you moved out of your parents' home?
26 is not young to leave home even though it can be upsetting for parents when their children move out.

I noticed that you mention all the things you have paid for. It sounds a little bit like you feel you can control your daughter by paying for things. Maybe you need to encourage her to get a part-time job and pay her own way now.

Have you any idea why she would feel not part of the family?

Original poster
mum2602 · 30/08/2018 23:13

my point is
selfishness

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 30/08/2018 23:26

Why are you still paying for her at her age? Why can’t she work? Stop financing her, she is taking you for granted.

noego · 30/08/2018 23:33

My ex was like this with DD (one of the many reasons the marriage broke down) buying her everything she wanted, (still does) and would then guilt trip her by throwing it up. It pushes DD away. (ex can't see it) DD has a fantastic relationship with her MIL.

I wonder why?

pastaandpestoagain · 31/08/2018 01:04

Hopefully you feel that your mil is part of your family. So even though says she doesn't feel part of the family she isn't really leaving it.
What has been happening that you feel led to your stroke? If there is that much stress in the house having your dd move out for a while to another family member might make sense.

FissionChips · 31/08/2018 01:16

Have you posted about her before? It sounds so familiar.

MyShinyWhiteTeeth · 31/08/2018 01:34

Children grow up. Parents help them gain independence then they moved out. Isn't that how it's supposed to be?

I think you are being selfish. You don't want her to have her own life but want to keep her at home. Let her go. She's 26.

Lizzie48 · 31/08/2018 02:39

My abusive F was like this. I was guilt tripped about the financial sacrifices he had made for my education in a convent girls' school. It always made me feel like he and my mum owned me. (This was in the days of means tested grants, which DSis and I didn't qualify for, hence our parents supported us.)

I'm nit criticising private education at all. What bothers me is the idea that it somehow means that your DC are obligated to you because of it, when they didn't choose it for themselves. (Admittedly, my views are coloured by the fact that my F was abusive in other ways, but financial control was very much a key thing for him.)

Your DD is 26, she's an independent adult and can choose her own path. If you push too hard, you'll lose her for good.

LaGruffaloGrumble · 31/08/2018 08:07

You sleep with dogs you wake up with fleas!

Do you think it’s possible she can pick up on your dislike/disdain of her boyfriend and his family?

She’s 26. She should be living her own life. You can’t control her with money. If you don’t want to support her through her studies then don’t. But it’s not fair to do it and then try and hold it over her.

Sorry for your health worries Flowers

NadiaLeon · 31/08/2018 08:59

Maybe you daughter does prefer the other family.
It sounds as if there is animosity and resentment in your family home.
Also, if she loves her BF dearly, it gives her a chance of spending more time with him.
Don't stress it and see what happens over the next year or two.
Why not enjoy your freedom a bit? How you view this is your choice, so don't volunteer to be a victim.

Original poster
mum2602 · 31/08/2018 09:32

I have other children who did not/do not behave the way she does. We have treated all our children the same but DD wants everything her own way and when it is questioned she starts rowing and then says its all my fault. She rants and rages and storms off - she then expects everything to be fine and calm when she returns, totally ignoring the storm she has created. Ive read all comments and in fairness, some do have valid points, but then again, some do not. I may have come across in an incorrect manner, it is not about the education or finances, it is about her total disrespect for me as her parent. Thank you for commenting.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 31/08/2018 09:48

What I have noticed, OP, is that you speak about her as if she were a teenager. She isn't, she's a grown woman. My DM could have written your exact post, she's exactly the same, even now when DSis and I are in our forties and then doesn't understand it when we don't contact her.

Your DD actually sounds a little bit like my DB, who hasn't had a paid job for 25 years and is now 50 with serious MH issues. My DM has infantilised him so much that he can't do anything for himself. He's equally argumentative with her as your DD is with you.

You both need to cut the apron strings. She has no incentive to find work if you provide for her financially, does she?

MaryandMichael · 31/08/2018 09:56

If she's moving out, say "OK, bye" and tell her clearly what you are prepared to finance and what you are not. For example, living expenses at someone else's house - you will stump up for three months to give her time to get work, then no more. Education - if you're paying her fees, pay to the end of the degree - that might tie you in to more living expenses but have a definite cut-off point - two weeks after the end of her course.
Then don't give it another thought.
She's 26. Your work is done.

MaryandMichael · 31/08/2018 09:58

She doesn't need to 'respect you as a parent'. Get over thinking that way. Let her go. By now she should be respecting you as an adult, and you her.

heartsease68 · 31/08/2018 10:01

Surely she doesn't need a good reason to move out at 26? It's time she moved on. Does that make her selfish. She obviously feels unaccepted by you (after the fleas comment i can see why). That doesn't make her selfish either.

I'm sorry you're upset but you're behaving like a martyrish drama queen and you will only push her further away behaving like this. You have probably both said stupid things. Now you need to set the tone and recognise it's time for boundaries, patience and mutual respect. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.