loves boyfriend's mum more than me

[mum2602]

stays in his house every night. told me today she does not want to stay with us - we are a family - she is 26. She said she has never been part of our family - we have paid for private education, car, clothes etc. I cannot type anything else because Im so upset at this moment in time.

We provide all finances

Then you are reaping what you have sown! She's 26, stop bankrolling her.

Less of the I'm highly educated but my daughter he has stabbed me on the heart business. It's just that kind of outburst that makes me feel sorry for a 26 year old with a mother so prone to egocentric melodrama. Even in your hour of grief you have to let the audience know you're highly educated? Do you use theatrics at home as well? Because that can be quite abusive.

Hi OP, I feel for you and realise that you are hurt by her behaviour. She sounds like she is trying to break free and grow up a bit - so let her. Some kids are rebellious teenagers and some wait until they are young adults to shift the relationship with their parents. I remember being horrible, selfish and entitled with my parents when I was late teens and looking to leave home. Fast forward a couple of years and my folks could see me as an adult and I could appreciate them. Now twenty years on, we have a strong relationship based on mutual respect. She's being upsetting but she has to be to break free.

As for the finances, it is great that you are able and willing to give her a good foundation to be a successful adult. The transition from child to adult can be prolonged and hard. Perhaps once her master's is complete, she can attain financial independence and this may ease her frustrations - and perhaps mistaken feeling she is in some way beholden. The only person's behaviour you can change is your own - and if she is feeling trapped or cornered into lashing out, perhaps alter how you approach this upsetting situation.

It is clear you love your daughter and when my son says hurtful things there is no greater pain. But he doesn't mean them, it's not always about me and most of the time it is from a feeling of powerlessness.

There is no one size fits all with parenting so what worked with your other kids just might not suit your daughter...

Abrewfromabridge
Thank you. Your summary is exactly how my situation is. I will indeed act on points you make. Thanks again.

Thinking about it, my DSis and I were in your DD's position, with our parents supporting us financially through our studies. The difference was that we weren't living at home, which made things less stressful than how it was and still is with my DB. My F did use to use emotional blackmail in a way that my DM didn't so much, although she did with my DSis, whose relationship with DM sounds like yours with your DD.

I suggest that it might be easier if your DD moved into a shared house/lodgings, it would take some of the tension out of your relationship and also prepare her for the real world, even if you're supporting her financially. She clearly wants to move out, understandably at her age!

Sometimes it's hard for children to get on with their parents or want to love with them because they're too similar or the rules are too rigid or there is too much expectation or perceived expectation from parents.

My parents are fab and I loved them dearly but they're at the bottom of my list of who I would happily live with.

I'm wondering why you need to finance her whole existence at 26. Surely she has time to take a casual job to provide her with some income? Also what are your motives on financing her life st this age? My BIL has never had 1 job in his life, nor finished anything he started (the rest of the siblings are uni educated professionals) because MIL continually supports him financially. What a waste of a life!

Also, someone who has never worked will struggle to get employed regardless of how educated they are.

OP, some people are making good points on this thread and asking good questions. You only acknowledge the poster who agrees with you. That will not help you resolve this.

To me, you sound like a tiring martyr and I would have run away from someone like that at age 26. You might not be but that is how your posts come across to me. It is not clear to me what you expect of your daughter. Should she stay at home till 60? Why do you feel that she loves MIL more, has she told you that? If so, what is it that she likes about MIL? Do you still treat her as a child? For instance, would you treat ypur mother or a friend the same?

To illustrate why you read to me as a martyr:

we have paid for private education, car, clothes etc. I cannot type anything else because Im so upset at this moment in time.

You sleep with dogs you wake up with fleas!

Im so stressed over this all - I suffered a stroke last year and I cannot take much more. Im a highly educated individual but my daughter stabs me in my heart and I need help please!!

It sounds like you are trying to make your daughter feel responsible for your feelings and your health. She is not, in any way.

Not having used this forum before, I didn't realise I should answer all questions.
I'm certainly no martyr -
I will take this opportunity to thank everyone who commented on the post. Thank you.
This is my final post on this, I'll take onboard all comments and make the necessary changes in how parent. Hopefully, Ive identified my errors and I look to the future with hope.

she does not work - therefore has no paid employment. We provide all finances.

she's 26! about time you stopped enabling her and let her take responsibility for her own lifestyle choices.

Most 26 year old’s fund their own Masters.

Is there are a particular reason you want her to live at home?

Olds