Who carries the mental load

[Rosetintedglass]

Just that. Conversation today with Dh about some school bits for dd which I have thought about worked out and addressed. Just made me wonder is this typical in relationships that one parter always does all the working out of things while the other comments and mumbles before turning back to watch worlds most dangerous animals/ ice road truckers or some other inane documentary without giving the issue any further thought ??

Do both of you work outside the home?

Well without the crap TV, yes the partner with the least hours tackles that.

Of course when you add all the hours things can look very different.

ConfusedWife1234 yup but it wasnt really a complaint it was more just a musing on whether its just typical.

Is it typical that women are expected to do domestic /emotional labour, the lions share of caring for the family, and the million low status acts of planning, putting other peoples needs first and making sure the lives of those around them run smoothly?

Yes. It is typical. Doesn't make it fair, inevitable or OK though.

You don't have to settle for this. If you are unhappy with the division of effort then you don't have to just accept it as "the way things are".

Is it typical that women are expected to do domestic /emotional labour, the lions share of caring for the family, and the million low status acts of planning, putting other peoples needs first and making sure the lives of those around them run smoothly?

Yes. It is typical. Doesn't make it fair, inevitable or OK though.

You don't have to settle for this. If you are unhappy with the division of effort then you don't have to just accept it as "the way things are".

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Is it typical that women are expected to do domestic /emotional labour, the lions share of caring for the family, and the million low status acts of planning, putting other peoples needs first and making sure the lives of those around them run smoothly?

Send yes it is in our house, otherwise fuck all would get done, we'd live in a shit tip, no food, no clean clothes, no school admin done etc etc

Know exactly what you mean OP, but on the plus side he can tell you the top ten world's most dangerous animals, so you'll be fine...

(dishing out sympathy with sarcasm, sorry)

OMG don't know what the heck happened in above post, my MN is going a bit wonky lately!

I'm guessing you hit ctrl+a 😂

I got fed up with this last year. I was going away for 2 weeks (to look after a sick relative). I was writing notebooks full of stuff for DH to follow regarding the mental load of the household and care of one child. And another list, for myself, of all the things to do before I left so that DH didn’t have to: like buying & wrapping birthday party presents for DD’s classmates, like cutting her fingernails, like pre-buying snacks for extra curriculum activities, like hiding certain appliances that he’d likely leave on in a dangerous way.

Sometimes it’s only when you have to explain it all to someone else that you realise the sheer enormity of it, and how much you’ve normalised it (and what an idiot you’ve been to let it happen).

As soon as I got back, I instituted a Saturday morning session for Dad & DD to learn things. Both the 7yo and the 52yo needed the same level help with it. Now, when a birthday invitation arrives, DD & Dad leap into action. 1) invite is printed & pinned to noticeboard/calendar. 2) quick plan about what to buy and where and when. 3) wrap present, write card. 4) put present in car the night before.

I hate how inefficient they are, and have to bite my tongue practically off half the time (really? Wedding anniversary wrapping paper???) but at least the message is getting through that these things don’t happen magically!

Yes sadly this is normal and I have only recently really become aware of it in my own life. I now have a exh as I just couldn’t see any change ahead and couldn’t keep up thinking about everything g which went on in the house and our lives. I work full time, have one dd. It was just too much to be honest.
I am much happier now as a single person.
I have quite a lot of contact with exh and he continues to muddle through, somewhat. I suspect there will be another partner on the scene to pick up the slack though.

I don't see it as a mental load. It's just remembering to do things and I'm not the only one capable of it

I do most of it but the difference is that DH actually appreciates it, works more hours than me and cleans. He doesn't discount that stuff. I think the problem is in most families that it doesn't get counted.

Ihavethepower I guess mental liad may be the wrong choice of words
Skittlesandbeer I do like your approach perhaps that is the way forward.
To me its not so much lack of appreciation and Im genuinely not complaining I just wondered if that lack of awareness around the importance of things the planning required and how they actually get done was common.

Similar to MrsTerryPratchett - I tend to do most of this stuff as I work from home and shorter hours and spend the bulk of the time with DC or doing drop offs/pick ups. But DH appreciates it all and is happy to pitch in, just admits it's not something he's particularly good at.

Even before we had DC the division of labour was very much I made sure home insurance was paid and the info was filed somewhere we might find it in an emergency / sorted out godchildren's gifts etc and he cleaned the bathroom / did the garden etc. It just plays to our strengths.

Yes it tends to be me. I work 20 hours a week and have two children with Sen and have to think of all the small bits as well as their education. I’m trying to reduce the stuff like let my husband deal with his mother. If he doesn’t like the food I cook to cook himself. Mentally I’m burnt out and sick of thinking when we go out of all the things I end up packing whilst he just sorts himself and puts the kids in the car. He’ll often say “we” need to do this but in reality it ends up being me.

Yes!!! Fucking me!!! And its doing my head in. I divorced one man because of it, now the next one is starting on it. Its drives me crazy.
Actually considering getting rid of this fucker too. Seriously, why are they so mentally bloody lazy? I really hope my sons don't turn out like this. I've got them in training; when they ask me stupid questions, I just look at them until they realise they have a functioning brain'. Jesus Christ on a bike, its currently driving me nuts!

And breathe.

I do most of the mental load and admin in our house. He does the cooking, shopping, washing up, etc.

I'm pretty happy with that balance, but some things do get forgotten sometimes. I forgot his birthday last year until the actual day and other cards arrived . My brain is too full to hold onto everything, but at least I don't have to worry about food, I'll always have at least one healthy meal a day because DH provides it for me.

My friend sent me this the other day, its very good!

www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

I realised after divorce how much of the mental load I was carrying during marriage as absolutely nothing changed afterwards (except I am happier to do it as training a manchild is utterly exhausting).

I think mental load is perfectly apt, tbh.

@Rosetintedglass

I haven't read through all the comments but I carry 100% of the mental load in our house. We both work the same hours (60 a week) on the same shift, in the same job.
And although partner remembers the odd thing it's normal something I've already done that he hasn't noticed yet

I get a little annoyed about it now & again but unfortunately I just think that's the way things our for most family's, as they say mums know best :)

Sounds fairly standard. If I sent my ex shopping for dc’s clothes he would come back with age 5 clothes for an aged 8 child. I’d point out that they didn’t fit and he’d just shrug and look hopeless. He thought me expecting him to take them back & change them was completely unreasonable because he’d already been once.
Much the same with schools, I’d book to go and look at schools, stick it in his Outlook, and then he’d get home late and just shrug.
We aren’t together any more. I haven’t noticed any difference to the workload, in fact things are much easier.

teebee

Yep I kind off figured it would be typical. I wonder why. It Puts me in mind of the debate about who has to reduce their hours to cover childcare on another mumsnet board.
I wonder if those rare relationships where its all equal are more content

I carry the mental load in our house...doesn't bother me in all honesty, if it did I would just stop, but what's the point in cutting my nose off to spite my face.

DH moved into my house with DS and I...everything house and DS related was already 'my job' anyway having been on my own for a few years and it's just continued. DH contributes financially and emotionally to the team...and without a doubt does his share. We don't split tasks down the middle/take turns...it's more a case of I do what I'm good at, and he does what he's good at.