How do you work at a relationship?

[AliceGoot]

When people post on here about relationships having problems, losing love/affection for their DP they are routinely advised to:

• have counselling

-work on their relationship

• communicate/connect

What does this actually mean in practice?

When I tell my OH how I feel and he will give a list of reasons why I feel that way
If I feel isolated/alone/unloved I explain that, he says sorry and the next time I'm feeling like that he still doesn't notice and I still have to spell it out and ask for comfort/a hug.

I really don't see what I'm supposed to do to feel loved and in love. I can elicit an improved response by giving feedback, but it feels like I'm training a dog, not being part of a loving marriage.
When we communicate about our problems with the relationship/how we feel it feels like we become 'actors' for a while after, giving each other knowing looks as we remember to do something better that we discussed. It just feels like an act - I don't feel any better about him or the relationship.

Him telling you why you feel the way you do isn’t healthy communication and would piss me right off. Can you give an example?

Your post reminds me of Jim and Pam in the American office series where they’re having counselling and “working on their marriage”. There’s a scene or two where he makes her a cuppa and she slightly awkwardly says she’s grateful for his thoughtfulness and appreciates the effort and the coffee. It’s played for gentle laughs and is both awkward and sweet but it’s an example of the fake it till you make it school of healthy relating to your spouse and a good example of bringing back gratitude and kindness when the daily grind can wear you both down till your relationship takes a back seat.

Is that at all what you mean? It’s things like trying to judge behaviours rather than people and focusing on your reaction rather than their intention. So, “it makes me sad when you don’t make the time to talk about your day, maybe we could have ten minutes when we both get in to catch up before we make dinner/put the telly on/play on our phones” rather than “you’re selfish and I’m lonely, you always come straight in and watch the news, why don’t you ever want to talk to me, you make me so miserable”.

For me the working on it hopefully prevents the potential decline and means different things to different people. When you’re in a tough patch already it might feel false to start doing things for the other person in an effort to show them you care but hopefully in time and with practise it helps to remind you you’re better together than apart.

Putting each other first when you can. Trying not to let the daily crap of a busy life make you neglect someone you chose to spend the rest of your life with and cherish your relationship, which you also chose and presumably thought would make you happy.

Could be anything from booking time together alone, to a regular film night, choosing to watch a show you like or listen to music you both enjoy, pulling back their side of the duvet at night so it looks nice, buying them a pair of gloves, remembering when they have a big meeting, making time to talk, saying kind things, de-icing their car, saying thank you for things, making cups of tea.

I know what you mean about training, but when you’re already struggling you might need to be really honest about what you need. No one is a mind reader and people communicate in different ways too.

Have you read up on the languages of love? It’s simple but fascinating. One woman’s posh night away is another woman’s compliment on her hair or quickie before work or hanging out the washing.

I’m sure others are far wiser than me but that’s how I’d explain it.

OP - it’s impossible to say much based on this post - there aren’t many details.
However - a few things came to mind.

People express love in different ways.
You married this man, you knew how he was and - unless he changed dramatically after the marriage - you seem to expect him to be a different person to who he’s always been. Marriage isn’t meant to change/improve people.

Then - whenever people say things like - ‘I have to ask for a hug/comfort’ - I always go 🤷🏻‍♀️.....
If you want a hug - come and give one - don’t demand yours.

Generally - I do think people are responsible for their own happiness. And if you are down - it’s not up to the other person to make you come out of it. It’s up to you to understand what’s going on with you and figure how to change it.

That said - if he somehow changed and those changes make you question your relationship - then yes - by all means - discuss it and try to find a solution.

I don't think he has changed but our lives have changed, we've been together 18 years.

In the beginning his lack of emotion seemed steady, calmness, reliability. We had a long distance relationship we were earning high salaries so life was exciting. Now we have kids and life is hard work. I'd never really needed him for anything - I was proud of how utterly independent I was.

But now when I do need him he isn't there. My friend died last year and he responded by wandering off to practice his golf swing. No one hugged me that weekend, God it was unbearable.

I think back to how when we left hospital with DC1 he strode off with his brother and the baby and I trailed behind, bursting my episiotomy to keep up. That was 9 years ago.

He's got fatter, hairier, greyer, balder. I have aged a bit but not much, I pass for 10 years younger and weigh the same as in my mid 20s.

Every meal I cook (I cook them all) I have to ask did he enjoy it and ask him to do the dishwasher. Every fucking time for the last 2 years or it just doesn't happen.

His parents took the kids for a week and instead of choosing to spend time with me he chose to visit them and hang out together (they'd stayed with us the entire week before so not like he hadn't seen them.) That was his preference, I really don't want to force him to spend time with me if I am second choice.

Working on the relationship takes two of you. You cant do all the work and expect him to magically change.

Have you two had counselling? Does he WANT to change, or does he think everything's just dandy?

After all, you're there to do all the housework, cooking, life admin and childcare. (Expect when he wants to play Show Dad to his parents.) Does he see you as a household appliance? After all, the dishwasher never expects him to say thank you.

Look up Daily Temperature Reading. It’s a tool for communication that is often used in couples therapy. It’s nothing scary , just a way of communicating with your partner that gives a space for complaints/ recommendations, giving practical info, appreciations, and clearing up anything that’s puzzling you.
People often find that it decreases argueing( partly because it legitimises complaining about behaviour without it being seen as nagging), and increases closeness.

People are advised to set aside 10 or 20 minutes a day, or 3 times a week to do it.

Do you want to keep 'working' at it?

OP - ok - your post is a little all over and one thing is clear - you are unhappy, and tired....

I’ll repeat, though - you married a non-emotional person, so he isn’t all of a sudden going to become huggy - because now your life is less exiting than before.

Your comment about him aging and you - less so - is unclear. Do you want him to take better care of himself? Of do you think - because you remained skinny - that this should cause him to behave differently, somehow?

Finally - if he doesn’t help enough around the house - it’s not about love and care - it’s a practical problem - that over years you settled into some job/share that isn’t working for you. Decouple that from your general feeling of unhappiness and deal with it on a practical level.

As to the rest - you do seem down and unhappy. I don’t think it’s only about him not complimenting your cooking on a daily basis.
I am not sure him doing the practical things more would change how you feel. Happiness does start from inside. So - you need to figure out what it is that you are so down about, what worries you - YOU, not in relation to how he is around you.

Do you want to keep working at it?

Honestly, no. After my friend died and another was diagnosed with a brain tumour The 'is this it?' has really hit home. But we have 2 kids, we both work, him long hours. The practicalities of splitting up the family and the emotional toll on the kids is a high price to pay.

We haven't had counselling, I have been seeing a therapist weekly since a suicide attempt (poor attempt but it did mean DH pulled his weight for a while) in Feb. That keeps life bearable. The therapist doesn't think DH is that bad from my descriptions but my greatest fear is living the rest of my life feeling this unloved. I don't want to have to ask for affection, it doesn't feel good when it isn't freely given.

Hm, I used to feel I shouldn't criticise my ex for putting on weight, as it wasn't reasonable or fair of me to expect him to stay thin just because I did. Then he got a mistress and all the weight came off because he wanted to impress her and make sure she stuck around. Whereas I was just me, and didn't need impressing, and was around anyway.

Was the suicide attempt about your relationship, or more? Are the relationship problems a symptom or a cause of your wider problems?

He doesn't have to be "that bad" for it not to be working.

Life is short.

I'm not sure you have a husband problem from what you have posted. Honestly it sounds like you are bored with life and your friend's death and diagnosis has knocked you for six and you are grieving and re-evaluating life. Have you thought about private counselling for just you to process your grief?

OP - just saw your last update and wanted to say - I am sorry.

I don’t think asking strangers for comments on our situation can help you.

Really - do listen to your therapist - and seek more help.

It would be irresponsible for any of us to comment on this - you are depressed and under care of a specialist, after a suicide attempt.
Please - do take care.

Practicalities are really just practicalities, you know. And you can take steps to make it as easy on the children as possible. Better than your parent staying in the marriage for your sake until she is suicidal, no?

Unfortunately MMmomDD there are plenty of people who are or have been suicidal on mumsnet. And surely plenty more who don't admit it. An anonymous website feels safe. Alice is getting RL help. Having attempted suicide does not mean you can no longer go and ask randoms what they think.

The reference to our physical appearances was because I'm not physically attracted to him anymore - he's changed a lot. I haven't really (give or take a couple of post baby years) so the whole 'bet you've aged/you're no oil painting now' standard retort isn't true.

The suicide thing was about feeling crushed by life. I didn't want to do another task/piece of work anything. I felt so alone that it wasn't worth being here. I wasn't being a good parent as I was so unhappy, I just wanted to stop existing.

The 'well you chose to marry an unemotional person' doesn't seem a good enough reason to stay. I made a mistake. I thought I wanted marriage and kids and after sinking over 6 years into our relationship pre-engagement I thought I'd stick with it in case I never met another man I could settle down with. Also turns out I should have just got a less hardcore job (I worked in the City but moved away from that and now love my job) instead of getting married and having kids.

@ravenmum

People can at times feel suicidal. I have - once in the middle of PND. Scared me. Asked my doctor about it. Most people don’t act on those thoughts.

My point was not that she can’t ask. More that we don’t know what OP’s mental state is at the moment.
She has a counsellor that she doesn’t seem to want to listen to.
And she came to a forum to get support from strangers to the way of thinking that led her to a dark place.

If you want to give advice in a situation like that - go ahead.
But I do think it’s irrespobsible.

Maybe not helping is irresponsible? Who knows?
I was suicidal after my ex left me. Was ready to act on it but got medication which helped. Didn't mention it on MN, just asked about my situation and got advice.

"You chose to marry an unemotional person" doesn't mean you have to stay with him, no; I doubt it was meant that way? It just means that you'd be banging your head against a brick wall trying to get anything else out of him.

Agabimou makes a very good point. You sound like you are desperate for comfort; for someone to just make it better. Do you get any other support, from family members etc?

@ravenmum

OP is depressed. She has a mental health issue, not a husband issue.

It’s different to you coming for support when your Ex left you.
OP’s circumstances haven’t changed. H and kids are there.
She tried to take her life because she was unhappy.

She needs professional help, not strangers telling her to leave the H right now. That decision can’t be made when she is in that state

I'm not 'under the care of a specialist'. I've chosen to keep on with psychotherapy roughly once a week, I pay privately. I'm not suicidal at the moment, my therapist understands triggers for and what's guards against me getting in a depressive state.

I have friends and have spoken to several about my unhappiness with my relationship. They all think my OH is great and think feeling unhappy with a relationship is normal.

My mother is an alcoholic and my dad deals with enough with that.

And my cry for help suicide attempt was February. It's nearly fucking September! I'm not in the same state now, at all. I'm thinking much more clearly, hence my deeper consideration of my miserable relationship and devoid of emotion husband.

I think you know what you want to do, it’s just doing it! What do you think is the biggest factor in not separating ?

I'm not "telling" Alice to leave her husband right now. I'm pointing out that it's possible if that is what she wants to do. That she's not stuck with no means of escape.

So you're really lacking support otherwise, Alice? I was getting that impression. Good that you have a therapist, but it sounds like you are otherwise surrounded by people who could theoretically be helping, but aren't (for whatever reasons). That can be almost harder to deal with than there being no-one who could help... tough situation for you when there's been such a lot going on.

He is very unlikely to be able to change to be affectionate in the way you need.