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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Last night. (Possible TW).

40 replies

Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 10:20

Dh and I haven’t had sex a lot recently. Yesterday morning dh and I planned to do it last night. Last night came around and I said ‘I don’t want to do this, I am really not in the mood’. Dh continued to initiate sex and said ‘I’ll get you in the mood, come on, it’s been ages’ and things like that. As he was touching me, I realised it hurt but I was trying to continue to get it over with. All of a sudden I asked him to stop, and he did, but then I burst into tears and hyperventilated, a full blown panic attack. I don’t really know why. Dh asked what was up, if he’d hurt me etc. Once I’d calmed down, he just said night and went straight asleep. Today I feel awful and violated. I know I let him do it but i still feel awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 11:27

Little bump

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 11:38

Gosh OP that's awful and I really don't know what to say.

I think you need to have far better communication.
You should feel very comfortable saying 'ouch, that hurts so please stop' and he should have enough respect for you to do just that.
The fact you didn't want to, should also have been enough for him to say, OK, I respect that. He should not have continued regardless.
Are you scared of him?
Scared to lose him if you don't have sex with him?

How long have you been together?
How old are you?
Do you have DC together?
Does he have any other abusive traits that you are ignoring?

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 11:53

Thanks for your reply Smile I’m not well and getting a minor op tomorrow so I haven’t felt much like it but he has been asking to do it because it’s been so long so I thought I could just do it.

Together 6y, married 4, 1 DC3yo, I’m 25 and he’s 30. Unsure re other abusive traits

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 12:02

but he has been asking to do it because it’s been so long
And you are having an op tomorrow and he was still pushing for sex even though you didn't want to!!??
That's a big red flag right there.
He certainly doesn't sound, loving, understanding or supportive.

Have a read of THIS THREAD
I'm worried this isn't the only thing he does.
Do you go out regularly with friends and family?
Do you have full access to all family money?
Does he work?

cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 12:36

So you said no and you have an operation but he thought he'd 'get you in the mood' anyway? That's not good at all.

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 13:07

Yes, plus I told him I think I may have an infection down there and his response was ‘I don’t mind’ Sad

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 30/08/2018 13:15

He doesn't mind?! Er but you do! And that meant it would probably hurt you. It can be frustrating to have a spell of not having sex but having patience and waiting is far better than guilting someone into doing it when they don't want to and it hurts. Please explain this to him.

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 13:24

Last night I felt like I should apologise for not doing it and for my massive reaction but today I feel like he should apologise for wanting to carry on when I’d clearly said multiple times that I didn’t want to.

If I try and talk to him about it he’ll tell me I’m over reacting. I know he will

OP posts:
Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 14:20

I’ve woken up to him attempting to penetrate me in the night in the past and had to push him away

OP posts:
1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 14:58

What are you implying he did exactly?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 15:28

I don't think there is any 'implying' about this.
OP is clearly telling us this man is a rapist who regularly sexually assaults her.

OP, please will you contact Rape Crisis!?
You know none of this OK.
That's why you posted.
And that's why you haven't put everything here!

This man in an abuser.
Contact Womens Aid as well - 0808 2000 247
They can help you with an exit plan.
You need to get away from this 'man' - FAST!!!

TheVanguardSix · 30/08/2018 15:34

When you talked with your DH today about your very valid feelings, OP, how did the discussion pan out?

Vitalogy · 30/08/2018 15:39

OP, you shouldn't have to live like this. It isn't love. Please don't put up with this a moment longer. You deserve to feel happy and safe.

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 15:43

@TheVanguardSix I haven’t spoken to him yet as we’re both at work (although I’m on mumsnet!)

Does what happened last night count as some kind of assault? I did go along with it and consent, so I don’t see how it could? And he has always stopped in the past despite trying to have sex while I’m asleep. I think he thinks I’ll wake up and join in.

OP posts:
1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 15:49

'Regularly sexually assaults her' sorry i can't seem to find that bit in the original post.
Trying to keep it in context, sex was planned throughout the day, discussions were had. Of course everyone has the right to say no and your reasons are completely valid, maybe your other half is unaware just what youre going through?
Ive been with women who have tried to get me going when im not in the mood, they still continue with their efforts. I see this as being a pest, sometimes its playful, not that im being raped.
Has the OP discussed this with the other half since? Im sorry for the emotional trauma and also for the physical pain youre going through. Hope the operation is a success.

keepingbees · 30/08/2018 16:18

Unless I've missed something I can't see how this is rape or sexual assault.
A little inconsiderate on his part maybe yes, but he tried to get OP in the mood but then stopped when asked.
Sex was planned, so I can understand why he thought the operation or a possible infection wasn't a problem.

LonginesPrime · 30/08/2018 17:07

Unless I've missed something I can't see how this is rape or sexual assault

How is trying to have sex with someone who's asleep ok?

1Skittles8 · 30/08/2018 17:10

Again, context. Is he spooning his mrs and getting aroused or has he climbed on top and attempted penetration?

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 17:14

I was asleep as I was tired and had gone to bed earlier. He came to bed a couple of hours after and decided to try and enter me from behind in a spooning position.

OP posts:
keepingbees · 30/08/2018 17:47

@LonginesPrime I didn't say that was ok, but that wasn't what the original post was about. Also as another poster said, it's also context.

subspace · 30/08/2018 18:25

Talk to him. Tell him this is really important and you don't want him to dismiss or belittle it.

Tell him he hurt you. Tell him that it's vital that if you say you've changed your mind, he respects that. Tell him it was painful. Tell him you absolutely 100% do not want to be shagged while you're asleep.

Actually, it's too creepy to resolve with talking. Speak to somebody at the aforementioned support places first. And tell him to back the F off coming anywhere near you sexually.

Your panic attack sounds like it was a response to having sexual activity done to you when you didn't want it and felt powerless. His response to that was to go to sleep?!?! And to try to shag you one you were asleep?? Seriously not ok.

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 18:29

To be clear, he didn’t try and shag me in my sleep last night, just mentioned it as I felt it was relevant that it’s happened before.

I was shocked he went right asleep. Not before asking what I was doing on my phone, though. It’s all normal this evening and we both know there’s an elephant in the room but still haven’t spoken.

OP posts:
keepingbees · 30/08/2018 19:22

Trying to sleep with you whilst asleep is wrong. With regards to last night, only you know the full context of what happened. Was it he was just carried away on what he thought was a promise after a dry spell, or was it something more. Only you know what your relationship is like and how he normally is.
Something is obviously troubling you about the whole situation and I wouldn't gloss over it or let it be ignored.

Original poster
Kukumbr · 30/08/2018 19:30

The thing that worries me was the reaction that seemed to come from a part of me I can’t control as I had the intention of just letting it happen but something inside of me shouted out and initiated the panic attack, crying and hyperventilation.

I spoke to him about it just now. He asked what that was about last night, ie the crying. I told him I’d asked to stop and told him I didn’t want to and he said oh, ok that is fine. I said he worried me and he said, ‘no I didn’t.’ He said ‘was that all?’ And I said it was and that has been it.

Now should I let it go or what?

I wish I could tell my mum, we’re close and I usually tell her everything, can’t really tell her this one though

OP posts:
keepingbees · 30/08/2018 20:30

No I imagine it would be hard to talk about this to your mum. Do you have a friend you could speak to for support? It might be worth you seeking some counselling in case there are deeper issues.
Do you know what part worried you? Did you think he wouldn't stop, or has he not stopped in the past?
Sometimes I feel anxious if it's been a while but I'm ok once I'm into it, though obviously there could be more to it in your case.