My wife told me she doesn't love me anymore!

[Brokendad33]

Hi everyone,
I've had to come here to say how i am feeling, as I feel I don't have anyone else to talk to. Me and my wife have been married for 12 years now, and we have got 4 beautiful children , and I love them and my wife sooo much, they are literally my world. Well last night my world collapsed. She told me that she thinks she doesn't love me anymore, and that we should have a break. It hasn't come out of the blue to be honest, I have felt that she has been getting more distant for a couple of months now. And every time I have asked her if everything was ok she told me yes. A couple of years ago now she got a job which means that she works long hours every weekend, so with me working in the day weekdays we don't get much time together, especially alone. From the very start, there has been a guy at this job who she started talking about all the time, and I hold my hands up, the green eyed monster came out and I told her I didn't like it. She wasn't happy that I was being over protective, and I knew I was, but I had to say something. Any way fast forward to a couple of months ago and I found out she had been sending him flirty text messages. She was going out a couple of times every week night, and not getting back till early hours of the morning, which at first I was fine with as she has now got 2 jobs so we can pay the bills, so I thought that she totally deserved to go out and let her hair down. But then I started to get suspicious of her texting. She would open most of her texts while she was in the same room as me normally, but then she started to read and reply to certain messages by going to the toilet, or going to get a drink. I found it odd, to the point where I knew for a fact she was doing it on WhatsApp, because then when she went out of the room after her phoned pinged a certain way I went on my phone and could see that she was online on WhatsApp. Now I started to get very paranoid now, but felt that I couldn't say anything to her as I couldn't prove anything. Then one night, she came back from a night out with her friends and while she went to the loo she had left her phone on the side while I was fixing her a drink. Her phone pinged and i saw it flashed up on the screen It was a message from this guy at work, and the start of the message read something dirty. I know, I know I should have left it but when I opened it I could see that they had been talking pretty dirty to each other and that he was gonna come and get her, and she wanted him too. I confronted her, she told me she just got wrapped up in the moment and nothing has or would have happened. But since then I have felt her slipping away, and now she has told me she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do, I can't imagine my life without my beautiful wife and children.

Hi Brokendad33
First thing to say is I’m so sorry you are going through this - it’s horrendous and heartbreaking. I really sympathise.

I’m going to assume that what you’ve said is all true - and while every story has two sides - inimagine the basic outline you’ve given is accurate.

I think the main thing to focus on is that you’ve been concerned for quite some time - and your DW hasn’t said there is anything wrong. And to get from ‘nothing wrong’ to ‘we need a break’ takes the intervention of someone else. I’m sorry but it sounds highly likely she is emotionally and quite possibly physically involved with someone else.

Right now you are going to be in shock and distress. But take heart - you still have choices. Your DW will be in ‘affair fog’ where she can’t see anything but herself. She isn’t yet thinking about how this all pans out - the impact on children - how she is going to feel about saying goodbye to them for half the week or every other weekend - or over Christmas. She’s not thinking about housing or finances. She’s asked for a break to escape her marriage vows to you.
So I’d say just let her go. Don’t beg. Really don’t beg or plead, or show any emotion other than disgust.
Google 180 relationships, chump lady, infidelity help group - and build up your emotional strength.
Right now you may want her back desperately - but nothing is ever going to be the same. It’s devaststing but you’ll get through it. Whatever you think you have done to cause this - you haven’t. She had a choice to tell you if she was unhappy and work at things before walking out. She didn’t. And she has to own that.
If you have friends or family you can talk to then do - you can’t keep this to yourself. And google some self help.
Hopefully some MNers will be along with some self help links. Good luck OP.

Get her to leave if she wants a break. Or at least be making it clear that you will not accept this man in the house with your children.

As previous PP said she is in all likelihood seriously involved with this OM and is doing the classic cheaters thing of denying and minimising.

Time to get your ducks in a row and see a solicitor to understand your options. You might be able to work it out but you need to know where you stand if you can't.

And don’t do the ‘pick me’ dance! Google it and get some pointers.

I'm really sorry OP.
What you are going through is horrid, and yes it's a form of grief and mourning. You will always be a dad so any thoughts you may be having about this - please chuck them out! No one in the world can take that away and you can and will still have a loving relationship with your kids.
Unfortunately people rarely stay the same as they were. Things change and sadly relationships are too commonly affected. As much as it hurts don't plead. You shouldn't want to if she's done this too you. She's disrespected you and your marriage. Talk to close friends and family about what's happened. I can't stress enough how much it helps just having people you know listen to you.

She's having able affair. She wants a break to be free to date him.

If my husband said what your wife said (with those messages), I'd tell him we should separate... with a view to divorce and we were both free to pursue other relationships if he wanted to go ahead with the seperation.

I'm not playing second fiddle to anyone while the waters are tested.

I'm not sure why you didn't take a stance with those messages.

Thank you for your replies, it's good to me to be actually be talking to others about this as like i said, I feel that I can't talk to any of my friends or family about this. The reason for this is that I'm scared that if I have got this wrong and she isn't having an affair, as soon as I tell someone close to home I'm certain it will get back to my wife and that will be the end of us for sure, and that's the last thing I want, I don't want to put my kids through that. I still love my wife with all my heart, and it's breaking me up inside knowing that she doesn't love me back. We are going through a pretty tough time financially at the moment, we are both working all hours and all we seem to be doing is paying the bills, we can't afford to take a holiday anywhere, or even take the kids out for the day, which I'm pretty sure isn't helping things. What I'm hoping is that once we get through this tough patch we can get back on track, I would be nothing without my wife and kids. After I found out about the texts a couple of months ago she wrote me a letter telling me how she had been stupid and that she wouldn't find anyone who would treat me as good as I do. I am so confused right now

Where does she expect to go when you two "take a break"? Is she expecting you to move out? Jog on, sister!

I can see that she feels bored and taken for granted in this marriage - but surely you do too? I don't mean that as a criticism, but after 12 years of marriage, no time together, money worries, scraping by on a day-to-day basis - I can see that this has worn you both down. She sees her job as a bit of freedom and the novelty of another man finding her attractive has gone to her head. Sadly, he will be using her as a new toy. you say you've got 4 kids? It would take more than an office affair for a man to take on another man's 4 kids.

If this goes on, your DW is going to get badly burned. The question is, do you want to pick up the pieces?

Get someone to have the kids for an evening and have an adult conversation.
Until you know the truth you will always not trust her and wonder who she's texting. She will also be hiding tracks and being more careful. If your gut it telling you something is going on then it's not wrong, even though you want it to be.

I would be nothing without my wife and kids
Of course you would. You would be YOU!
I think you've lost yourself a bit here.
And as I think she is probably cheating on you, I would grant her her wish of separation for now.
Who is the main carer to the kids?
This 'shiny new man' probably isn't going to want to take on 4 kids.
The honeymoon period will be over soon enough.
For now, give her the space she wants. Meet up with friends and family.
Go out for walks or running or find a hobby that is free.
Keep busy.

Ensure you keep regular contact with the kids and leave her to it.
She'll soon see that the grass is certainly not greener.

Kick her out. She's a nasty cheat.

And do NOT do the 'pick me dance'
There is nothing more unattractive than a needy man and a walkover.
Show her you are no walkover and will not tolerate this treatment.
Let her see what losing you would actually be like.

It may be that she wants something new and exciting and you are not that man. This does not mean you cannot be. I agree with hellsbellsmelons, don't do the pick me dance. Show her you are capable of being a strong, independent man, something that you probably once were, which is why she chose you. Be the man you were or can be. Don't put up with poor treatment, stand up for yourself, get stronger. It's obvious to me that you are not setting boundaries, so set some and stand by them. Put some red lines down and don't let her cross them.

She’s either cheating or she wants a break to ‘try before you buy’ with the new guy. If you’re on a break, she can say she’s technically done nothing wrong.

This is even more clear based on her letter to you - she won’t find anyone who treats her as well as you do. That’s a weird thing to say if she hasn’t already compared what life would be like with the new man VS you.

As she wants the break, tell her she can have it elsewhere.

She's either sleeping with him already or intends to, let her you'll never be able to trust her again.

Ask her where she intends living when you have your break?

I have just read your reply OP - and you are just deluding yourself if you trust her ‘letter of love’ after just being caught out - over what she has just ACTUALLY SAID to you!

If you don’t toughen up she will leave you for sure. If you turn 180 and get tough, she may well come back - but I think most would advise not to have her.
But my heart sinks at seeing you cling on like this. Not because I don’t understand- but because I do and it will deliver exactly what you don’t want.

OP... You have to be prepared to lose your marriage, to save it.

I can smell your fear of losing her from here..So she must be well onto it. You're gripped with fear and she will take advantage of your weakness.

You come across as though you'd be prepared to forgive her even if you knew she'd slept with him.

Right now she has no fear of losing you, but reverse is not the case. I've supported men in a similar position and it's never ended well.

"The reason for this is that I'm scared that if I have got this wrong and she isn't having an affair,"

Get that out of your head for a start

She's having an affair and now she's looking for a way to indulge it and act as though it's guilt free and justified

She told me last night that I am smothering her, that she feels like a teenage kid and i'm her dad. I can see where she is coming from tbh, because of how paranoid i have got over the last two years of her working at this new job, i have felt her slipping away, we were so so close, really luvvy duvvy, and when i felt that slipping away slowly, as she was discovering this new life with her new job, i found myself trying to pull her back, getting paranoid and assuming something was going on between her and this new man when i had no proof. If she was out on a night out with them all from work and it got to 2 in the morning i would send her a text to see if she was ok. If she was going out i would want to know who with and where she was going, my paranoia creeping again i suppose. Like most of you have said i really am so scared of losing her, i want us to be like we were up until this new job started, but i have just got to stop being so over protective, because i'm actually driving her away. I have honestly never felt so low in my life than i do right now, i feel numb, i feel like ending it all, but my kids are the only thing stopping me doing that right now, I feel as though i have just got to swallow hard and try and work thing out, stop being so protective, and perhaps things will work out.

You don't get it and the desperation is quite frankly going to come across to your wife as unattractive.

She wants to separate? Fine. Decide on the terms of the seperation... but there's no reason you should have to leave the house when it's driven by her.

If you love someone, let them go. You'd surely want the best for her whether that's with you or not.

Once she sees you'll agree and discuss the ground rules..I.e. seeing other people, just dating or is a full physical relationship acceptable on both sides, she'll realise you aren't gripped with fear...and there's a chance you'll not want her back after she's had time with her other guy.

To get a balanced view (genderwise) post your situation on www.survivinginfidelity.com

See if anyone believes this is not an affair, or that this break isn't her angle to freely date the OM.

So your wife is out clubbing with her mates until the early hours twice a week, which is expensive, yet you can't afford to take your children out for a day. I expect she also spends a fair bit on new outfits to look good (for the other man) on her nights out. Knowing where your wife/husband is going on a night out and who with is not suffocating, it's normal. She feels like a teenager because she's acting like one! You need to toughen up OP, remember we teach others how to treat us and at the moment she is treating you like a doormat. Arrange some childcare one evening and sit her down to discuss where she is going to live and how custody of the children will work. You need to let her see you are looking ahead to a life without her. Act confident even if you don't feel it. Tell some people in real life, get some support. I'm sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

Once again I absolutely agree with SandyY2K above. You are trying your best with the ' luvvy duvvy' approach, but admit that's what might be driving her away. She is gambling with a loaded pack and you don't have your poker face on. You are showing all your cards. ( And your desperation) You need to think worst case scenario, which for you would be losing her. Don't agree to a 'break' with no rules agreed, have a legal separation, tell her you would not accept another person in the relationship, or whilst married, and that would result in divorce. Raise the stakes. It's only when she sees consequences for her actions that reality will hit home. At the moment she has her cake and will eat it too. I know it's easy to say as an anonymous poster on MN, but the folks on this forum have all seen it unfold before. You have to change your strategy. Being the 'nicest guy' isn't working.

Thank you for your replies guys, like i said it's good to get a LOT of advice from you all, I am listening to what you are all saying honestly, and i am taking it on board, I'm just still in a state of shock at the moment and one minute i'm feeling like a failure and desperate, and the next i'm feeling like 'balls to her, i deserve better!' i'm just all over the place. since the letter 2 months ago she hasn't gone out once, because of money trouble, and probably knowing that i wouldn't be too overjoyed with the idea after the texts and she doesn't want the hassle. Really looking into it with our situation at the moment i can honestly say I can't see one reason why she would pick him over me. Without trying to sound vain, and i know its not all about looks i'm not that shallow but he ain't all that to look at compared to me, like i said not trying to sound vain it's just the truth. He still lives with his mom and dad and is in a load of debt from a gambling addiction, like 30k's worth (this is going on what she told me about him a few months after she started) She has also told me that he has tried it on with another couple of waitresses at work while he was in a long term relationship (which he is out of now) so his morals are obviously pretty low as well. What i'm trying to say is, again without trying to sound vain, is what the hell has he got, or could he offer my wife and children more than i can. I just can't see it. If he was a looker and rolling in it i would be a lot more worried. I know they are friends, just like she is with other men/women from work, and i know all the signs are pointing towards her having an affair, but i just can't be certain, or is it just that he is a friend, and i am just being over jealous and thinking something is going on when its not. Like i said the signs don't look good at all, but they could also be something simple as they're just mates. That's why i don't want to go 'gung-ho' and get a divorce, and throw away all the years of marriage over me just being over jealous, when it might just be a cry for help from her that i've got to let her live her own life more and stop being paranoid. I'm not setting out defending her, but i'm adult enough to know their are two sides to every story, and if I was the perfect husband, we wouldn't be where we are now. I'm not saying i'm just gonna be a pushover from now on either, from what you have all said, I need to be stronger with her. Thank you all so much for talking with me about this, it's gonna be a hard road ahead, like you said, i need to sit down with her without the kids walking in every 30 seconds, and see where we have gone wrong, or if she really doesn't love me and there is no future for us in her heart. I would really appreciate it if i could still talk to you all about this please, and i will let you know what happens, but one thing is for sure I have got to appear stronger and less desperate, even if i'm not feeling that inside.

You sound a bit of a wuss TBH. No offence.

feeling like 'balls to her, i deserve better!'
Yes you do indeed.
And you don't have to go right to 'divorce'

I'm glad you are realising you have to 'appear' strong right now.
You may not be feeling it, but as is said on here a lot, fake it 'til you make it!

Who is the main carer for the DC?
Could you stay in the house and she leaves?
When you have the chat make sure you put this forward.
She wants the separation so you need to discuss the best way to do that.

For now, stop smothering her. There is nothing more unattractive than a needy, whiny man.
Show her how strong you can be.
Show her you are listening to her and are prepared to separate if that is the best thing right now.
Then take it from there.

Good luck OP.

Mates don't send filthy texts op. You need to read all this back and let it really sink in. She is treating you terribly.