My wife told me she doesn't love me anymore!

[Brokendad33]

Hi everyone,
I've had to come here to say how i am feeling, as I feel I don't have anyone else to talk to. Me and my wife have been married for 12 years now, and we have got 4 beautiful children , and I love them and my wife sooo much, they are literally my world. Well last night my world collapsed. She told me that she thinks she doesn't love me anymore, and that we should have a break. It hasn't come out of the blue to be honest, I have felt that she has been getting more distant for a couple of months now. And every time I have asked her if everything was ok she told me yes. A couple of years ago now she got a job which means that she works long hours every weekend, so with me working in the day weekdays we don't get much time together, especially alone. From the very start, there has been a guy at this job who she started talking about all the time, and I hold my hands up, the green eyed monster came out and I told her I didn't like it. She wasn't happy that I was being over protective, and I knew I was, but I had to say something. Any way fast forward to a couple of months ago and I found out she had been sending him flirty text messages. She was going out a couple of times every week night, and not getting back till early hours of the morning, which at first I was fine with as she has now got 2 jobs so we can pay the bills, so I thought that she totally deserved to go out and let her hair down. But then I started to get suspicious of her texting. She would open most of her texts while she was in the same room as me normally, but then she started to read and reply to certain messages by going to the toilet, or going to get a drink. I found it odd, to the point where I knew for a fact she was doing it on WhatsApp, because then when she went out of the room after her phoned pinged a certain way I went on my phone and could see that she was online on WhatsApp. Now I started to get very paranoid now, but felt that I couldn't say anything to her as I couldn't prove anything. Then one night, she came back from a night out with her friends and while she went to the loo she had left her phone on the side while I was fixing her a drink. Her phone pinged and i saw it flashed up on the screen It was a message from this guy at work, and the start of the message read something dirty. I know, I know I should have left it but when I opened it I could see that they had been talking pretty dirty to each other and that he was gonna come and get her, and she wanted him too. I confronted her, she told me she just got wrapped up in the moment and nothing has or would have happened. But since then I have felt her slipping away, and now she has told me she doesn't love me anymore. I don't know what to do, I can't imagine my life without my beautiful wife and children.

Why Agatha? Please expand.

Your fear OP is what will bring about catastrophie. You can’t see this because you love your DW desperately and you want to believe you are the problem.
Maybe she did feel stifled as things adjusted around her work. Maybe you were over protective and jealous. But you absolutely have a right to know who she’s going out with and when she is likely to be back.
It’s a shame because we all see this car crash happening - and we have nothing to gain by trying to wake you up because you are asleep at the wheel. But if you really do want to salvage something in the slight hope that your DW hasn’t yet crossed the line - then you have to turn things on her.

MNers are often seen or criticised for finding reasons to blame men and excuse women - and yet NO-ONE has come on here to say that perhaps you are right - she just needs space. It should tell you everything!
You think your story is unique - but to onlookers her it is completely ‘the script’ and if you fall for it you may never forgive yourself. So please re-read - and read some of the links and react as you need to. It is your only chance OP.

Classic cheaters script!

Mentionitis
Change in behaviour
Rewriting history of original relationship
Only admitting to what they think their spouse/partner already knows
Manipulating ltr partner into agreeing to being 'on a break' so they can justify cheating as 'not really - we were on a break'
Buttering up spouse/partner in attempt to make them less suspicious

You need to get your ducks in a row (get appropriate professional advice on likely outcome if you split re custody of DC (who is currently primary carer? 50/50 is becoming more common but could still involve a legal battle), money, division of joint assets, rights to remain in marital home...) even if you don't split you need to know where you stand. Just having an idea of this can help you be stronger and less likely to do the "pick me dance".

You're not paranoid or over protective she gave you reason to be suspicious.

You need to decide if you want to confront now or play the long game. Pros and cons yo both.

So sorry this is happening to you.

One more thing. As a man speaking from experience, do not EVER be deluded by the 'what has he got' or ' why would she choose him when I have all this' argument. Our logic does not work in these situations. Whatever he has is exciting and new, you faithfully doing the dishes every night is not taken into account at this time.

My ExW did exactly this. You need to kick her lying, cheating ass out the door. When she's at work pack her shit up and leave it on the doorstep and lock the door. Being 'nice' at this stage just gets you stamped on. She's clearly been cheating for a while , so you need to think about yourself and your kids only. She's the cheater...she leaves. End of discussion.

If this other man is, as you say, in debt, living with parents, a player and not exactly an Adonis, then your wife has probably latched on to him as a form of escapism from the hum-drum of every day life. She's getting an adrenalin kick out of the thrill of the illicit relationship, the extra attention and flattery, but fantasies can lead people into all sorts of negative consequences if they go too far.

As another poster said, everyone on this thread is of the same opinion, you need to stop making excuses for your wife. Turn this back on her because you have done nothing wrong. She will have more respect for you if you stand up for yourself than if you throw yourself at her feet.

"If this other man is, as you say, in debt, living with parents, a player and not exactly an Adonis," then a dose of reality in removing the exciting illicit element, making her deal with him and his day to day ordinariness could well be enough to make her realise he ain't all that!

OP I am so sorry this is happening to you, you sound genuinely lovely. I agree the desperation is likely to be the thing that is pushing her away. You need to establish firm boundaries for yourself. It will protect you from further having your heart ripped out.

Let her have her space, like the old saying goes "if it's meant to be, set them free". No doubt when the shine has been taken away from the new guy (and mark my words, that's exactly what will become of this) she will come crawling back. In the meantime she doesn't realise/care what she will be throwing away but the cold light of day is sobering and when she is splitting her week/weekends up with having the kids then not having them it will hit her hard.

Right now she's probably in the heady heights of a whirlwind romance, love's young dream and all that. It won't look so attractive to her when she's crashing at his mum and dads house and he can't afford to take her out/buy her anything due to his debt.

You can only control your own actions, so get tough. Draw your line in the sand, tell her if she wants space then fine but you will be making damn sure you have a good time too (even if that's just spending time with close family or friends - don't let on to her). Make sure you have legal advice as to what would happen in the event of separation/divorce. Knowledge is power. And make sure you do your utmost to minimise the impact on your children, they didn't ask for this.

Be kind to yourself. One day at a time. You got this. We're all here.

Sounds like she wants a break so she can sleep with him.

Don't blame yourself, she is the one in the wrong. Tell her to move out, it will give you the space to get your head straight. Most likely once she realises what she's losing she'll be back - at that point is up to you wheter to accept her back or not. And even if she doesn't change her mind, you can't stay as you are, she's pissing all over the relationship.

First of all, sorry for your family. If your wife chatting with another guy, it doesn’t mean that she is cheating. Did she say that she doesn’t love you during the fight?
Would you say that everything was good in your relations earlier? She definitely needs something what she is getting from that guy and not getting from you. Some attention, care and so on.
And also, you mentioned that your wife got 2 job so bills can be payed...How many jobs do you have?

Hi everyone,
haven't been on here for a while, i have been trying to stay strong and our love back. I stopped being so full on, didn't say anything when he goes out and doesn't come back till late. Texts still continued (i'm guessing with him) didn't say anything. Kept on telling her that I will always be here for her and that i will always love her. Some good days and some bad, but still haven't had a full on kiss with her since July. Found out last night that she has slept with Rich from work!! You were all right :-( :-( :-(

So what's your plan now?

I commented on your thread previously. This is no suprise. Just reread my messages... you were too desperate and she didn't give a damn.

I'd love to say 'we told you so' but this is a horrible time for you.
We gave you some good advise.
Re-read it.
Make your plans to leave.
Stop being a doormat.
Leave her to it.
You need to properly MAN UP now!!!!!
Do you have family or friends you could stay with?
Right now she's having her cake and eating it too.
And you are enabling it!

Hi OP get her out of the house asap.

I've told her she can go to him, I am not leaving my children because she got bored with everyday life. She made her bed now she can lie in it (with him!!!) She told me that it's over between the two of them and that she wants to be with me.....i can't even look at her. I will always love her, but i hate her for what she's done, i feel sick. I told her that i'm not going to force her to love me, she either does or she doesn't, I'm not playing 2nd fiddle to anyone! She wasn't thinking of me and the kids while she was with him on her dirty weekend

You need to think about you now. She will probably try some hysterical bonding (look it up). She could also be lying about her relationship status with OM, after all she has lied before. My advice is not to believe anything that comes out of her mouth at the moment.

The question you have to ask yourself is whether there is anything left to save?

Hey, I'm sorry to read your update. I remember the original post. As you have found, you're not alone (or unique). Quite a few of us have been there and we know your pain.

Now is the time to be strong and dignified. Do this for your self respect and for your kids. Be a role model for them, knowing that in some cases they may only fully appreciate it after growing up themselves. Show them how to be resilient.

Best of luck and keep updating. People here will help.

Highly possible he's rejected her and was only after a shag! She's not gonna tell you this of course.

You cannot believe a word she says unless there is independent evidence to back it up.

You don't have to take her back - and if you do you can set your own terms.

You should get an STD check.

Sorry that you are going through this. She sees you as a complete doormat. I would leave if I were (or get her to leave). If it's not 'Rich' it will be someone else.