Don’t think I’ll recover

[Rosesparkles]

I genuinely don’t feel like I will ever get over this break up but would appreciate any advice or anyone who’s been through similar. Completely reached rock bottom this week.

My ex was the one I had all my ‘firsts’ with and when I got pregnant we spoke about our future, he spoke about us having more children and how in love with me he was. During my pregnancy there were a few red flags where I thought he might be cheating etc but dismissed it as pregnancy hormones/anxiety over my pregnancy. A few days before DD was born I tested positive for an sti. I only found this out because I had thrush / BV and when I went to get treatment they swabbed for everything to be on the safe side as the symptoms could also be STI’s.

Confronted him and he denied it and sent me loads of links to posts online where people had false positives while pregnant.

I tried distancing myself emotionally but found motherhood so lonely and unenjoyable. I feel awful admitting it because I love DD and feel close to her, all of her needs are met, but I wish I could be a happy mum for her

Fast forward a few months and he kept insisting he’d changed, he loved me, etc but was still a shit dad. Then he started going weeks between seeing her which broke my heart, he kept using her as a reason for us to ‘work things out’ and be a family. I tried keeping it to just communication about DD but he was the first person I’ve loved so it was genuinely like torture for me. After working things through he convinced me to give things another go. Then everything went to shit.

Found out that he has another young child and has been still seeing the mother, the entire time we were together and afterwards. He spent his birthday with me, I dropped him off somewhere afterwards and it was where he met her. Everything was a lie.

He has now dropped that girlfriend and the child and has found a new girlfriend. And they’re apparently trying for a baby. He denied mine and DD’s existence to her, and when he first started seeing her and trying for a baby, me and him were still ‘together’ sleeping together etc. Completely breaks my heart that he’s decided we aren’t worth it and he’s just found a replacement.

He told me he didn’t have s good relationship with family hence DD not meeting them.. also claimed not to use social media much hence no photos of DD.. but has the new relationship plastered everywhere and no doubt once the new girlfriend is pregnant her and the baby will also be plastered everywhere.

I’ve tried condensing it because my post is long enough but this is only a small amount of everything that’s happened.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager which has now resurfaced, I have lost over a stone in the last month. The only thing keeping me going at the moment is DD but we live a very limited life, very few family or friends and 99% of the time it’s just us two. Money is very tight too. I feel completely empty and like I will never recover from this. I can honestly say that in the last two years I haven’t had a single day where I’ve been happy or even just content. I’m sad 24/7. I do everything I ‘should’ do, Take DD out, clubs and groups, and force myself to get dressed and go out everyday but it isn’t helping at all. If anything it’s getting worse.

My entire post probably sounds pathetic but I truly feel like my life isn’t worth living anymore and I can’t take many more days of this, it’s relentless. Going to GP would be useless imo because of the huge waiting lists for counselling / CBT which I’ve had previously and have actually made me feel worse - especially counselling because they give no feedback or advice so I just feel vulnerable and exposed. So I really don’t know what to do now.

Please go and see your GP OP. You sound quite profoundly depressed and you need help with your eating disorder. Your misery is understandably, but you need to take care of yourself so you can take good care of your DD.

As for your useless, womanising ex, what a waste of space he is I'm sorry that your first love turned out to be such a selfish oaf, but it isn't your fault. He's a serial cheat. He cheated on the DM of his first DC with you, two-timing you both in the process, and now he's dropped the two of you to be with someone else and is trying to have a third DC with her when he doesn't do a thing for his first two DC. Does he have a job? If so, contact the CSA and see if you can chase him for child maintenance. If not, are you getting all the support you're entitled to? If you're not sure make an appointment with the CAB so they can go through things with you.

Hang in there. It is shit and you're right to feel hurt, but don't allow him to break you. You have your DD in your life and it will get better, but you need to reach out for help and support

How long were you together? How long ago did you split up?
God OP he sounds horrendous. I'm not sure why he is going around trying to get women pregnant.
I know you don't want to see your GP but I urge you to do so. You are clearly depressed and they can give you something to help take the edge off that.
Do you have friends/family you can talk to in real life?
Being a single parent can be lonely and I think this can cloud your judgement too. I've just gone through a breakup and feeling like I might be a single parent fills me with dread. That fear can often make people stick with people even when they are clearly no good for you.
You must realise deep down he is an awful human being who treats you like sh*t. Sounds like you need to work on your own self-worth. Please speak to your GP.

Gingerbread might also be able to help you: www.gingerbread.org.uk/what-we-do/contact-us/helpline/

Juneau has said it all .
Hang in there !

juneau - I might be in denial but I don’t feel like I have a mental health problem.. more a problem of my life going to shit. It’s directly related to everything which has happened and I know my circumstances aren’t going to change because I have no freedom anymore. Still breastfeeding DD too so I don’t think I could have any medication.

In my mind I know he’s an awful person but I still feel so betrayed and hurt. and feel horrible for having a part to play in the entire mess. The new girlfriend is aware of everything - the cheating, multiple children e etc - but still wants to stay and have a baby with him, so he’s able to just skip into the distance and have a happily ever after while DD is swept under the carpet. He also sees his other child and has an active role in their life but nothing for DD which I don’t understand and find myself constantly trying to work out what it is about me that makes it so easy for him to abandon our child.

I actually phoned child maintence when we had a dispute a while ago, received one payment and then he quit his job and started working cash in hand so he didn’t have to pay. I informed them that he was definitely working and they said there was nothing they could do as his tax info came up as no income and they had no employer info - the woman on the phone told me (word for word) ‘well if they don’t want to pay they’ll always find a way to get out of it’

Thank you for the advice

crappyday - it was around two years. We split in May but got back together a couple of months ago. We had a period of NC (his choice, for around a month or so)The period of no contact between us was when he met the new girlfriend and started trying for a baby. I don’t know why he came back at all, feels like a sick mind game. I saw him a few days ago where I found out about the girlfriend and contacted her - that’s when I found out about the double life, and other child. It’s been a complete shock.

I don’t know why he’s so relaxed about getting so many women pregnant but I have a horrible suspicion it’s because he knows we will always be ‘there’ once we’re pregnant or have his child, and he’ll always have a slot in our lives. I’m far from a psychologist but I’ve read about narcissism and he ticks a lot of boxes. When we first got together it was amazing and it was only once I got pregnant cracks started to show, possibly because he knew he had me and he didn’t have to put as much effort in to keep me once we were having a child.

I do have a couple of friends and family but they mostly work full time and honestly I’m awful company, I’ve become incredibly boring and don’t want to make plans where I know I’ll inflict my negativity onto them.

I miss who I was before I met him and in the early days. I was genuinely happy, enjoyed life, had hope for the future and career plans. Now there’s just emptiness.

Might go to GP this week but I don’t have high hopes they’ll be able to help to be honest. Thanks for the reply

The reality is that you've been utterly and completely used by a selfish arsehole of a man who just likes the chase and not the reality of a relationship. He will just do this over and over, and never learn anything.

And all you can now do is to make the most of what you have. You have your life, your health and a lovely DC. You have every right to be hurt and angry but don't this man be your story. There is a life out there waiting to be lived. Try and see your GP too, you may need either counselling or medication to help you get through this. I'm so sorry you feel this low .

You sound like you need a big hug. I know when life is shit it feels like its never going to change and its a fucking chore getting up in the morning, someone once said to me "if you're going through hell, keep going" and she was right.

How old are you OP?

Sounds like this guys is a serial sperm donor, tbh. It does get better, but I can appreciate how awful you are feeling at the moment.

Userxx - I’m 26. Feel like my life ended when I was 23 and first met him. I’ve had my fair share of shitty times in the past but nothing compares to this. I really can’t see the end in sight simply because we have a child. Once she’s old enough she’ll have questions and it’ll rake up all of the pain (if I ever get it under control) possibly mean I have to try and reach out/contact him/show DD photos, I’m just dreading the future so much.

Blueangel- I would be so much happier if he had been a sperm donor! Minus the emotional manipulation, lying, cheating etc.. thank you. X

TomHardysNextWife - I know he’s awful. I wish I’d cut him off at the first warning signs. If I knew I’d be in for years of hell I wouldn’t have brought a child into the world (although I’m very glad I did and love DD more than anything). Never get more than 1-2 hours away from DD, less than once a month, so there’s no chance of me establishing my own life or interests again unfortunately so that’s why it feels like the end of my happiness and as if things won’t improve.. I’ll try the GP and see what they suggest, not much hope for it though, thank you

Wow. That's a tough read OP. While you are right about the GP not being able to actually fix your situation perhaps talking therapy and/or medication can help you to achieve a state of mind whereby you are strong enough to reject his toxicity. I really wish you all the best x

Please do and see your GP - even if not for medication they will be able to help or put you in touch with a counsellor. You do not sound pathetic, you sound like an exhausted young Mum who's had a right shitty time of it due to the actions of the shittest shitbag in town.

Just because you didn't see the signs doesn't make it your fault. You were in love and hoped for the best. It's called being a human being.

Don't dread the future. It will get easier. And you will get happier, you just need a bit of a hand right now. Keep talking to us if it helps.

Do you have a Sure Start centre anywhere nearby OP? I know the government has closed lots of them, but some are still open and they are good places to get help, support and to meet other single parents. They can also give you info about baby classes and groups that might help you get out and about with your DD, even on a low income.

Also, what is your work situation? Did you finish your education or would you like to continue with it? If you want or need to get back into work or education you should be able to find help with that via either the CAB or a Sure Start centre.

Thanks for replies just tried going through all my photos to delete ones with him and there’s hundreds (if not thousands) including screenshots of our conversations etc. from when we were having a rough patch and he was putting so much effort and time into fixing things and working on our relationship / future. Less than a year ago and now this, decided me and DD arent worth anything anymore. Kills me. Think I’ll leave the sorting for another day

I’ll look up sure start - I was in university when I got pregnant and had to drop out. I’m on universal credit where maintence loan is taken away £ for £ (bar the first 100) so financially I cannot afford to go back. I was working from home but have had to pack that in because I just didn’t have the time and ended up being awake til 3-4am every night.

Sounds crappy. It will get better, though it will take time and effort.
You're better off without this man.

So much wonderful support here already, but just one thing I notice: your inability to see him for the utter shit he is. Yes, he is an awful person. He has lived, cheated , disrespected, refused to live up to his responsibilities. If that isn't the make-up of a terrible person then I don't know what is.

You loved and trusted this man and he has let you and your daughter down appallingly.

You need to see your GP. You are clinically depressed. Just because you force yourself to go out, doesn't mean you are not depressed. Have a look at the symptoms of depression.

I am so sorry for what he has out you through. I grew up with a shit father. I saw my mum struggle with four children on a shoestring budget because he often withheld maintenance. I'm sure it had a huge bearing on why I never wanted children.

Our lives are what we make them. Yours isn't over because this shit treated you badly.

Please get some counselling, beg your GP to organise it low cost if you have to.

Take care xx

www.nhs.uk/conditions/clinical-depression/symptoms/

It won't always be like this, OP. Your dd will go to nursery and school, and opportunities will come for you to improve both your lives.

It's really tough right now, but you've got this far. Go to the GP and get whatever support they can offer.

Do you have any supportive family? (If you moved away from them, consider moving back.)

HereIgoagainxx - you’re right, over a year ago when we were close to splitting I felt pretty emotionally detached (which he sensed) and it made him lay it on really thick I think To try and get me to feel love towards him again. I feel like I was stronger then because I had the choice to walk away and cared less, but now despite finding out he was probably in a relationship with someone else then too, I still want it to somehow turn out to be a huge misunderstanding. Possibly a bit in denial because I can’t emotionally cope with it all . Checked the link you posted and I can definitely relate to all the symptoms.

I'm not sure how old your DD is but can you talk to your HV about nursery hours from age 2? You need to get a break and that may prove more beneficial than cbt. Do you have Homestart in your area? They could potentially help as well although they don't do babysitting you could go into town together with Dd and it's another pair of hands (and ears).

niceupthedance- we are entitled to the two year old funding, but it’s over a year away as DD was born a few days after the cut off for summer term entry so won’t be going til September 2019. I’m sure it could be helpful at the time but struggle to get any comfort from something so far away. I’ve seen homestart mentioned - I feel like other families might be more in need, because I don’t struggle with shopping/ taking DD out etc, just find it all very flat. Thank you though

I read once that depression is a thief, it Rob's you of, joy, hope and sadly, in extreme cases, life.

Knowing you are depressed can kick you into action now. There has been so much out of your control (your ex and his behaviour and treatment), but your mental health is something you can now take control of.

You got the best of him: your beautiful daughter.

Sadly there are so many stories on here of people that have been let down incredibly by their partners. You are part of a very big club! It may be the end of your relationship with him, but it doesn't have to mean you will never have joy in your life.

I've gone through breakups and thought I'd never recover, but I always did!

This is the hardest part, the trying to make sense of it. That can keep people trapped for years, decades, or a lifetime. It is what it is and he has robbed you of enough headspace.

Deep breath, make that GP appointment. You will be very glad you did :) xx

Hello OP.

Wow, I LOVE you! You write really well! You sum up that flat feeling, the shock and misery very accurately. Please try to keep a journal - and make sure you film lots of little clips of you and your DD. Her smiling and laughing, crawling, banging saucepan lids together, BF, napping, waking her up in the morning...she will LOVE seeing these one day. And you will be amazed at yourself and proud, looking back at them in later years.

He's a tosser. There are thousands of men like this around. Poor sad immature wasters. And men who are so screwed up by their own parents that they go on and on inflicting misery on other women, with no desire to change or even an ounce of self-inquiry and self-understanding. They never enjoy this precious life properly.

Be glad that you have had your lovely child young! I went through what you are suffering at the ripe old age of 43. He is 10 now and I could be his granny haha!

I'm over the shock and pain now of his wastrel father - going around deceiving, lying to everyone (most of all himself,) and making babies.

I still rage at the absent shit sometimes (usually after drinking too much wine or tripping over something,) but I am too busy raising my gorgeous lad, helping him with homework, working full-time in my little job (crap pay but I love it,) and building us a jolly home for us both, to give him much thought.

Your future is far from over. You life begins afresh each day. You are young and loving. You have a daughter who loves you and needs you. You are essentially FREE of a shit bag. Thank god you weren't married and he's not really in your life by the sound of it. Celebrate that.

When your DD is old enough you can go on trips together, meals out, cinema, sunsets, all the small pleasures that give us joy. It's hard work raising a child alone but you can do it. I did it. If I can do it so can you. I am a complete idiot..and my son is a treasure.

And you will no doubt meet someone nice. Just make sure that you have learned to love yourself before you go looking. Pete Walker has written a couple of very good books you could dip into.

Be bloody, bold and resolute! It will all work out.

Hugs to you OP

What a shitty situation. Agree with above posters about your ex being a manipulative shithead. He sounds like a sociopath who gets off on making people dance to his tunes, while having no feelings for them whatsoever.

This is, however, not your fault. You have no share in the blame and in fact I think you handled the situation as best as one could be expected to do. Feeling down about this is also to be expected.

I also feel that you could benefit from some counseling to help give this a place in your life. He hurt you. It is his fault, but now you got to figure out how to walk away from this experience on your own terms. Getting some professional insign get definitely help you there.

HereIgoagainxx - thank you! This is my first break up from a seemingly serious relationship so I haven’t experienced anything like it before. I do feel completely heartbroken, despite knowing he’s a horrible person, I can’t erase the last few years from my memories I’ve contacted a counselling service which specialises in unhealthy relationship trauma so I’m hoping that will help although I expect they’ll have a waiting list! x