please help me to support DH to stay sober.

[notsurewhatshappening]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3347624-worried-about-DH

All details in thread above. Short version:

Have been married 15 years, 2 primary age DCS. DH hs been drinking heavily for nearly all this time. He hs tried to cut down lots of times and managed to stop drinking for 6 weeks in the spring but it crept back up. 50 units a week I would estimate. We are currently on holiday in Europe. DH drunk drove 3 days ago after having a half pint of beer at 1pm, 2 glasses of wine and a pint of beer at sone point in the afternoon and we got into the car at 7pm. At this point I thought he had only had a half pint at 1pm and another at 6.4pm. He swerved the car and was dangerous. It was a very short drive in our resort and not on a main road but still should not have happened. Later on he played with fire in he forest behind our cabin and pushed me when I asked him to put it out.

The next day I confronted him and said he needs to stop drinking now, I'm shocked he would drink drive and the repercussions could be horrific. He agreed and apologised for letting me down. He has been sober for 3 days and is doing really well. We go home in 2 days.

I'd like to ask for help here. He doesn't communicate his feelings well. He is finding displacement activities eg having a bath rather than watching TV with a drink. He doesn't have any friends at home. He's successful at work and is sociable with work mates but likes a quiet life ato home in the evenings. I think he drank to alleviate boredom and loneliness. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery.
Thanks

Has he tried a 12 step programme? The drinking and driving is very worrying.

Just to add, he is sleeping a lot which I hear is normal at the beginning of sobriety. He is functioning well with the children and seems reasonably relaxed. I have stopped drinking to support him and am happy to do this.

I want to investigate 12 step when we get home. How do you find a group? Can he just go and listen- as he is very ashamed and anxious about speaking in front of strangers?

You need to get off the merry go around of denial now. You are greatly affected by his alcoholism and you're also playing out the normal roles associated with such spouses.

The 3cs re alcoholism:
You did not cause this
you cannot control this
you cannot cure this

Now you are trying to both control and cure this. It will not work. Like his own father your H is an alcoholic and will be so for the rest of his days. Alcoholism can be learnt behaviour too.

What do you get out of this relationship still; how many more years are you going to continue with your roles of provoker (because you never forget), enabler and codependent partner?. It is not your job to help him and he does not want your help or support. You will continue to destroy your own self and your children by trying to help your H. You are woefully and utterly underqualified to help him.

Your children are of primary age; what are they going to remember about their childhoods here?. How many more family occasions is he going to ruin here?. How many times have you already covered up and otherwise excused and enabled him?. Enabling him as you have done only gives you a false sense of control and does not help either you or he.

You can only help your own self ultimately notsurewhatishappening, not him. Your energies would be better employed helping your own self move on and away from him because your kids and you are all being dragged down with him. Al-anon is designed specifically for people who are affected by another person's drinking and I would seek their support as soon as you are home.

Your H's primary relationship is with drink. It is not with you and his thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.
Your H has to want to seek help for his own self and without any coercion or pleading from you. Unless he himself decides that he finally wants to tackle his drink problem there is nothing you can yourself do to help him or to speed that process up. You cannot do this for him. Looking groups up for him is enabling him, he could easily do that himself but he does not want to.

I am sorry if you feel this reply is at all harsh but I do know what I am talking about here.

You may also find this helpful:-
www.foundationsrecoverynetwork.com/7-signs-youre-enabling-addict/

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AA meetings when you get back, just google AA and you'll find loads of meetings. Find an "open" one, that means DH can have you go with him. They usually recommend 90 meetings in 90 days, but obviously if you have work and family commitments he may not make it. He'll be offered someone to "mentor" him, and everyone (at least in the group I went to when I went with BIL) will be really supportive, they will have been there too. There's a kind of "what happened on tour stays on tour" rule and the meetings don't have big Slimming World/Weight Watchers style flags outside so people will only know he goes if DH tells them, the second word is "Anonymous" for a reason.

OP sadly cannot do the leg work for him here, he has to want to do that for his own self and without any impetus from her.

Thank you. I do understand how serious this is.

The fact that he has been sober for 3 days is surely a good start... I feel he deserves a chance to sort himself out.

He does need meetings and I'm looking up locations online. Genuine thanks for making it clear he needs this.

If his dad can overcome his addiction, does he have hope?

Why are you looking up meetings?
Why isn’t he?

Sorry is this probably sounds harsh but the story of how much he drinks here seems quite different to that first post on the other thread. In that you were implying it was a bit of a shock that he drank drove but it does seem from here as if he has had a problem for years that you are aware of. I also hate to be negative but only he can do it and 3 days in is not much. My husband was supposedly sober for 9 years but it was displaced with tablets and then occasions bouts of drinking. He is in holiday away from pressures of normal life at the moment - it's how he handles it when he is back in the normal pressures of work and home that matters. And it's whether he really wants to do it once the shock of your conversation has worn off. You said before he gave up for 6 weeks but it crept back. He needs to understand he cannot even have the one and you need to make that clear as well. If he has a problem he is not able to drink at a moderate level. It needs to be nothing. I have now walked away.

I agree it’s your husband who needs to want to stop drinking, it’s not wrong to want him to do it but he needs to want it. It’s good you are prepared to stop drinking too.

I would argue otherwise re your comment about understanding how serious this is. And not just for him, for you as well. You are profoundly affected by his alcoholism. Alcoholism is not called the family disease for nothing and you have much work to do yourself on your own recovery. That recovery will not actually happen until you separate yourself from him.

He being sober for three days is nothing in the great scheme of things sadly. He will likely relapse and continue to do so.

He needs help but you cannot help or rescue someone who ultimately does not want to be helped by you.

You are not helping him here; you are also doing things because it gives you a feeling of control in a situation that is completely out of control. The effects of all this on your children is incalculable.

But his dad is still very much in recovery. He has not overcome his addiction totally; his dad will always be an alcoholic.

There’s always hope. Ask your husband to sit and feel his emotions when he is craving a drink. It is usually those emotions he is trying to run from

He’s making an effort, which is a good sign

The drinking is one issue and having watched the Adrian Chile's documentary this week, I have more understanding. The drink driving, especially while concealing how much he has drunk, is something else.

There are no guarantees here when it comes to alcoholism.

Is he really making an effort here or is OP simply trying to protect her H yet again from the consequences of his actions?.

Three days sober is nothing and he has relapsed before now. He will not be able to stop drinking without support and OP cannot provide that nor must seek it for him. If he does not want help that is his choice. He could well go onto lose everything and everyone around him and still choose to drink afterwards.

Dp has just done a year sober.
It is hard, he has to do it for himself, because he wants to- not for you and the kids.
AA is good, he may need to try a few before he finds a meeting that works for him. For dp the gym and meditation ( headspace app) have been very useful, along with self help books (eg the power of now).
In terms of what you can do, I would suggest that it is being supportive, empathetic and kind, but he has to do the work himself.
Therapy/ counselling, as a couple and or individually may be worth considering. Recovery will change the dynamic of your relationship, yes for the better but there will be an adjustment into new roles for both of you as after all this time there will probably be a level of codependency in your dynamic.
I haven't read your previous thread, just going on what you have written here, and our experience.
FWIW, dp is happier than he has ever been, so much more able to cope with the stresses of life, much more patient with the kids etc. Yes misses having a drink in the moment, but doesn't want to go back to that and is clear that he is much better in every way without it.
Good luck op, hope that this is a new phase for your family!

I really appreciate your input, everyone. I'm learning.
What should I do- leave him to find his own meetings?
Give him an ultimatum?
Talk to family members or not?
Carry on as normal or not?
I'm confused and scared.

Hi bumper to bumper thanks for posting. I'm pleased your DH has done so well. Do your family and friends know?

He has to find his own meetings - if he doesn't then walk away as he has no intention of sorting it. They keybthing is he has to do it because he wants to do it.

Leave him to find his own meetings.

Alcoholism thrives on secrecy: I would start opening up far more to trusted people. This does not have to be your family's secret.

I would also consider getting yourself along to an Al-anon meeting and attend those regularly. You will not be judged at all and you will meet people from all walks of life there as well.

Do not give an ultimatum unless you are fully prepared to see it through. Also such things can only be issued once and once only because they lose all their power otherwise.

Do not sacrifice your wellbeing and that of your children's going forward on the altar of his alcoholism. You and they are more important than that. What are they going to remember about their childhoods?.

Hi notsure, dp initially told people that he was ' having a break from drinking ' , didn't feel like such a big admission and was what he felt comfortable with at that stage. Told close family quite soon after going to regular meetings, gradually friends and now most people know.

Also, like your dh, he had done periods of abstinence in the past, followed by attempts to 'drink normally ' which started out ok but went down the slippery slope. He was a binger.

My advice would be not to tell him what to do, issue ultimatums etc but have some frank conversations about his relationship with alcohol.

Has he done the aa questionnaire online?
I remember a key moment when dp did it and then admitted to me how he thought about drinking, the headspace and compulsion that was going on internally was quite shocking for me to hear, but for him it was the first admission out loud that 'I am an alcoholic' even if not in those words at that moment.

As others have said, there is little you can actually do, apart from go to al anon. He has to do it.
Has he said he knows he drinks too much? That he wants to stop?
Yes you can leave him if he continues to drink, but don't tell him to stop or else, because then his motivation is wrong and he is less likely to have a successful recovery.
By having honest, open, non judgemental, calm conversations with him about how he feels he may reach the necessary conclusions and admit his problem, but to reiterate, it must come from him! Not you telling him. And that conversation is not about your feelings (although of course they are important, but for another time) as, again, he has to do it for himself.
If his dad is in recovery, can he chat to him about it? Are they close?

I think there is a dynamic in your relationship that you aren’t conscious of and that is why people are suggesting that you get help for yourself. The truth of the matter is, you want his sobriety more than he does otherwise he would be doing what you’re doing and that is a problem. Is there a reason he can’t Google AA meeting in place xxx? No there isn’t, except that you and he are stuck in this well trodden cycle of him being ‘ashamed’ and you trying to make it better.

He drove a car (I put money on that this wasn’t the first time) whilst drunk. He could have killed you, he could have killed his children and he killed people unrelated to you.

How do you support him? By letting him take responsibility for his recovery and finding meetings himself, should be where he should be starting. How do even know he’s been sober for three days? He’s become such an accomplished liar all these years that you have no idea. What is apparent from your posts however, is that you are out of your depth and I can understand looking up meetings etc is a way of taking back control but you can never really be in control of something you are not responsible for.

Take a step back and put your energies where they will benefit you and your children the most and that is getting support for you.

OK...I went for a long walk in the rain this evening and realised several things:

1. I have no problem with being sober myself. I quite like it.
2. I'm giving him a deadline of until end of January to stay sober. If he can do that we have a future.
3. If he puts the children in danger or hurts us or cocks up in any way I will leave.
4. The idea of leaving used to terrify me but I'm more confident and self sufficient than I used to think. I have planned a rough exit strategy for if it needs to happen.
5. We are quite separate anyway eg not much physical contact, separate bedrooms etc at home so I can continue to monitor the situation at a slight emotional distance and not arouse suspicion. I'm happy to support him emotionally if he reaches out, though.
6. In the meantime I'm sorting out my bank account with savings in case of emergency and will start saving more.
7. I'm starting a new job in a couple if weeks so will concentrate on becoming established there and making sure the children are ok as the priority. I've told DH he needs to go to meetings so it's up to him now, thanks for the advice.

That's a good start - make him responsible for his sobriety and get your ducks in a row.

Please add one more thing to your list - look at support through Al-Anon or similar for yourself. It really makes all the difference, gives you the strength to copes and lets you understand your own part in the family relationship with alcohol.

Feeling upset as DH drank last night.He said he was going out on his bike but I knew it was the pub.
He drove drunk with me and the children in the back 10 days ago and afterwards admitted he needed to stop. I stopped drinking in support of his sobriety. He hasn't sought out professional help.

He is away tomorrow night with work... luckily my mum is staying over.

I think you know what you have to do now.