please help me to support DH to stay sober.

[notsurewhatshappening]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3347624-worried-about-DH

All details in thread above. Short version:

Have been married 15 years, 2 primary age DCS. DH hs been drinking heavily for nearly all this time. He hs tried to cut down lots of times and managed to stop drinking for 6 weeks in the spring but it crept back up. 50 units a week I would estimate. We are currently on holiday in Europe. DH drunk drove 3 days ago after having a half pint of beer at 1pm, 2 glasses of wine and a pint of beer at sone point in the afternoon and we got into the car at 7pm. At this point I thought he had only had a half pint at 1pm and another at 6.4pm. He swerved the car and was dangerous. It was a very short drive in our resort and not on a main road but still should not have happened. Later on he played with fire in he forest behind our cabin and pushed me when I asked him to put it out.

The next day I confronted him and said he needs to stop drinking now, I'm shocked he would drink drive and the repercussions could be horrific. He agreed and apologised for letting me down. He has been sober for 3 days and is doing really well. We go home in 2 days.

I'd like to ask for help here. He doesn't communicate his feelings well. He is finding displacement activities eg having a bath rather than watching TV with a drink. He doesn't have any friends at home. He's successful at work and is sociable with work mates but likes a quiet life ato home in the evenings. I think he drank to alleviate boredom and loneliness. His dad was an alcoholic and is still in recovery.
Thanks

I do. I just can't bring myself to do it yet.

I need to leave.

I phoned his mum and told her everything. She was very worried understandably.

Need to go to work now

This stage is horrible. But you have to do it.

I knew he would drink again. He needs to get help.

You need to start making steps to leave. You have had really good advice on this thread from Attila and others. Good luck.

It's hard to leave but you do need to. I'm sorry - dealing with an alcoholic partner must be so hard. He isn't going to change while you carry on trying to make everything ok. Get as much support as you can for now

We all told you what was going to happen. Repeatedly.

It's all very well saying you know you need to leave but can't bring yourself to do it yet but don't you realise that's just what he's been doing. Telling you he will stop but doesn't.

You're potentially putting your children at risk as well as yourself. He's had chances. You need to step up and put your children first and remove you and them from this situation.

I hope you find the strength to leave, or make him leave. You need boundaries. There have to be consequences for him when he drinks or he will have no incentive to change. Please call Al-Anon today to get support. You don't have to do it alone.

Let be blunt here .
Do want your children to be alcoholics because if you stay they will see it as normal .
You need get out and get everyone help .

If you stay then you must make it a condition that he never drives you again. If you are not a driver then public transport it is.

He is not serious about stopping. He's made no attempt to find or go to meetings. You have to leave. Or make him leave, rather? Why should you all be uprooted... but chances are it'll be you who has to go.

Do go to al-anon. Find a meeting near you and go. You can't expect him to go to a meeting if you won't.

I can't agree that the kids will become alcoholics through example - sadly it is genetic, as your partner has found re his father. That's not to say your kids will get it - let's hope not. But living in a home with an addict in active addiction is extremely damaging for everyone, especially children. It's the whole world of an addict that sucks the life out of anyone near.

Also knew he had no intentions and you were kidding yourself, for the sake of your children, get out, he's an absolute liability and NOT your responsibility; you have more than enough reasons to leave the selfish git, sorry but that's exactly what he is.

You gave him an ultimatum only a few weeks ago. Already he has broken it. So you need to do what you said you would. Otherwise misery lies ahead.

You can't fix him. You can fix things for you and your DC.

Read your message and it sounded so much like my own life a couple of years ago. I tried everything to support my DH with his drinking - from talking, listening, saying I'd arrange his counselling, finding out about AA, books, crying, ignoring and everything in between.
Ultimately, with an alcoholic (and my DH still denies having a drink problem!) they need to help themselves.
I finally had enough after he drove when having the kids in the car - I believe he'd actually done it much more often, this was simply the first time I'd caught him red-handed.
I kicked him out, sold our house, downsized massively and now me and the kids are sooo much happier.

You do not have to stop drinking to help your husband get sober, OP.

You do not have to do anything to help him get sober.

You can't do anything to help him get sober. All you will be doing is trying to feel like you are in some measure of control, which you are not. Not over him. You can't be.

What you can do is act for yourself and your kids. Al-Anon may be a really good place to start. And/or therapy.

Unless and until your husband takes full - I mean FULL - responsibility for his recovery, there is no hope.

You will now be in a cycle of if you do it again I will leave. Repeat. Repeat. I went through this several times. I made excuses, how would I juggle childcare, manage for money etc. In the end I came home from work to find he has had a drink while looking after the children. I then realised that was my line and I thought if I don't leave now when would I. We have been separated 3 months, life is much happier and I will be initiating divorce proceedings shortly. I know that he didn't kick the drink problem in 10 years so whatever happens I am never going back.

It is a big step but he's had an ultimatum and the alcohol won!

Bollocks has it - only I issued the ultimatum and stuck to it when the inevitable happened, but that was only because it took me so long to reach ultimatum point.

You need to stick to your guns here, for your DCs' sake. Living with an alcoholic is hugely damaging. With hindsight I wish I'd had the strength to fight 2 years before I actually found it.