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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too late?

27 replies

Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:04

Hi all

I’m not a mum but I joined this in hope of getting some views.

I’ve recently left my husband after being married for 4 years. Main reasons surround how he treats me, we’re not partners, he expects me to do everything for him, he’s rude, talks down to me (in front of others as well as in private), dismisses how I feel and was never prepared to listen or change.

I wanted to leave for a while now but for various reasons never plucked up the courage until a month ago. Me leaving seems to have been a wake up call for him and he’s suddenly realised how he’s been and is willing to change and try marriage counselling. Had he said this before I left it’s all I’ve wanted but the way I’m feeling now is confused as to whether it’s too late and emotionally I’m not prepared to go back with the fear of it not working or fast forward down the line when we have children and he reverts to how he’s been. Lastly I don’t know if I could forgive him for how he’s treated me.

Sorry for the long post but just want some thoughts from those of you who have been or are marriage and potentially been through something similar?

OP posts:
category12 · 29/08/2018 12:09

I don't think you should. He's had four years out of your life to be a good partner and what he did with them, was be a lazy entitled asshole. Move on from him and find someone it wouldn't occur to to be like that in the first place.

TooTrueToBeGood · 29/08/2018 12:14

Honestly, no. I'm guessing it's taking you a lot of strength and emotional energy to break free and well done for that. He had every opportunity to change before you left but didn't. If you go back it's entirely likely you find he forgets all his promises, reverts to type and all your good work getting out of what sounds like an abusive relationship will have been for nothing. He's just telling you whatever he thinks will work to let him regain control, don't fall for it.

lowtide · 29/08/2018 12:15

how old are you

Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:21

I’m 29

OP posts:
Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:21

We’ve been together since I was 17

OP posts:
Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:24

I’m so confused at the moment, some people around me are making me feel like I’m not trying. It’s because other than a few friends it’s been a shock to everyone.

He’s confused because he’s not realised I’ve been this unhappy, even though I’ve told him before I was unhappy but he just belittles my reasons

OP posts:
Heatherjayne1972 · 29/08/2018 12:26

Personally I think counselling is worth a try You might come out thinking that you definitely know that you want to leave or maybe there’s things you want to work on together
On the other hand if you really have had enough of him then it be better to make it official. See a solicitor and get the divorce ball rolling
Clean break and all that
You’re still young enough to have a family with someone who respects you

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:34

You met this person when you were very young and had no real life experience behind you. He targeted you really.

He is likely only suggesting such because he now finally realises he is going to lose all control of you but he will not let go of you easily (hence his crap suggestion about marriage counselling). He has not fundamentally altered his personality; he still feels entitled to act as he has done towards you and you have been right to walk away. Never doubt that. I would also suggest that going forward you enrol yourself on the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid and do this in person.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE.

Joint counselling as well is NEVER recommended where there has been abuse of any type within the relationship. He suggesting counselling as well to you is he trying to make this your issue as well as his. He has caused this relationship to end by his actions.

Abuse as well thrives on secrecy and that may be why you separating has come as a surprise to some. I would think though that one or two of your friends had their own private based suspicions about him.

Do not worry yourself about the people who accuse you of not trying; relationships should not be such hard work and those people who say such are not your friends nor are acting in your best interests. They are also falling foul here of the sunken costs fallacy by telling you such nonsense. The sunken costs fallacy in relationships simply causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:37

I’m seeing a counsellor for myself as it’s been emotionally draining. I don’t I have any feelings towards him anymore but I feel sorry for him and feel really guilty, even though I know I shouldn’t I can’t help it

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:37

Counselling for you and without him at all being present would be beneficial but its a NO NO and NO again to any joint counselling. He will never give you a chance to have your say and such men can and do manipulate counsellors all too easily. He well and truly manipulated you long enough to bend to his will till you said to yourself no more. You deserve a life free of abuse.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/08/2018 12:38

I think if you're only 29 you'd be a fool to fall for the 'I'll change' act - he's only saying that now he has lost control of you.

Don't step backwards - keep moving forwards.

As suggested, try the Freedom Programme.

He’s confused because he’s not realised I’ve been this unhappy, even though I’ve told him before I was unhappy but he just belittles my reasons

Sorry but this is bollocks. You told him you weren't happy and he just walked all over you. You said he's rude to you in public as well as in private. Why would you want to be with someone like that? He won't change.

It must have taken a huge amount of strength to leave. Please don't waste that by going back. Flowers

cakecakecheese · 29/08/2018 12:39

He ignored you probably because he thought you'd never actually leave and now you have suddenly he's prepared to try to change. It could very well be empty promises and even if he did treat you better it would be very difficult to forget the way he treated you in the past.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/08/2018 12:39

Keep going with your individual counselling - that's a great thing to do but do not contemplate joint counselling at all.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/08/2018 12:40

How old is he, by the way?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/08/2018 12:41

Have you found the counselling to date helpful?. You feel somewhat sorry for him because you are a nice person but he took your niceness and stamped his power and control all over it. Abuse is about power and control and this man still wants absolute here.

Do you think he feels guilty and or sorry for you?. No he does not. He sees you merely as someone to boss about and otherwise abuse as he sees fit. He honestly does not think he has done any wrongs here. You mean nothing to this person and he actively targeted you when you were 17 and far more naïve.

It would be worth your while to contact Womens Aid especially if you are UK based. Their number is 0808 2000 247 and they could also help you.

Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 12:45

This is all very helpful, thank you.

I’ve been very set on not going back until later last week where I tried to focus on the positives but it just confused me. I think I’ve got to a point where I’m lonely and am missing the thought of him rather than him himself.

He’s 33

OP posts:
lowtide · 29/08/2018 12:45

jesus christ do not take him back in any way. you are still young. move on with your life.
you can't spend your life with someone because you feel sorry for them and then they shit all over you. what kind of a dynamic is that to show to future children.

he's fucked up and now he has to deal with the consequences of his actions, that is not your problem,

Sicario · 29/08/2018 12:50

Hello Bee. So you have already left, which is the hardest thing to do and very brave. It sounds like you do not want to be in that marriage any more. Being in a marriage is a choice, and you have every right to decide whether your marriage is right for you.

Your feelings of confusion are normal, particularly as your husband is now trying to change your mind. This is not about what he wants. This is about what YOU want out of your life. At 29, you will know yourself a lot better than you did when you were 17.

Have courage and be true to yourself. Try not to be deflected by what the people around you are saying. Their opinions are just that. Only you know the truth of it and it's nobody's business but yours.

If you do decide to go to counselling (and I wouldn't if it makes you feel uncomfortable or pressurised), you might use it as a safe environment to formally end the relationship. An impartial third party could be helpful in view of your husband trying to negate your reasons. Invalidating your feelings undermines your self esteem. It's no wonder you're feeling confused.

Good luck, stay strong, and don't put up with any nonsense.

cakecakecheese · 29/08/2018 12:57

You've been with him a long time of course you will miss some things, and like you said it could be just missing being with someone, but then there are loads of things that you won't miss. It is much better to be on your own than to be with someone who treats you badly.

Original poster
Bee456 · 29/08/2018 13:15

Thank you all this is all very encouraging!

What are your thoughts on him being unaware of his actions and not doing it deliberately?

OP posts:
userxx · 29/08/2018 13:21

I don't think he will change long term, if he is unaware then this is his natural form - not sure that can ever be changed.

Paddley · 29/08/2018 13:25

Which is worse OP? Him treating you badly deliberately, or being unaware of how nasty he is? Not much to chose between them.

lowtide · 29/08/2018 13:25

um i think that's utter bollocks. no one is unaware of their actions

and you told him
so that's the most piss poor excuse I've heard and it means he has not changed one iota.

cakecakecheese · 29/08/2018 13:41

Yeah he was aware of it and would play it down when you told him how it made you feel.

WeakAsIAm · 29/08/2018 15:35

Not sure if this has already been said, I have totally plagiarised this from another MN.
This resounded like a gong for me when I read it though "he only wants to change now the unhappiness is affecting him, when it was just your unhappiness he wasn't to bothered".