Too late?

[Bee456]

Hi all

I’m not a mum but I joined this in hope of getting some views.

I’ve recently left my husband after being married for 4 years. Main reasons surround how he treats me, we’re not partners, he expects me to do everything for him, he’s rude, talks down to me (in front of others as well as in private), dismisses how I feel and was never prepared to listen or change.

I wanted to leave for a while now but for various reasons never plucked up the courage until a month ago. Me leaving seems to have been a wake up call for him and he’s suddenly realised how he’s been and is willing to change and try marriage counselling. Had he said this before I left it’s all I’ve wanted but the way I’m feeling now is confused as to whether it’s too late and emotionally I’m not prepared to go back with the fear of it not working or fast forward down the line when we have children and he reverts to how he’s been. Lastly I don’t know if I could forgive him for how he’s treated me.

Sorry for the long post but just want some thoughts from those of you who have been or are marriage and potentially been through something similar?

What are your thoughts on him being unaware of his actions and not doing it deliberately?

It makes very little difference. If he's doing it deliberately then he's just pure evil and won't change. If he doesn't realise what he's doing then it is hard coded into his nature and he won't change. Abusers almost never change and on the very rare occassions when they do it's because they have had specialist therapy over a long period. Please, please, please do not be fooled by his promises or your false memories minimising how bad it was.

Please don’t go back. It’s ok to feel guilty because you have compassion and empathy. It’s ok to feel sad because a big part of your life has changed. These are not reasons to go back.
He knew you were unhappy and he didn’t change or respect your wishes. Of course he’s promising alsorts now because he’s finally realised you were serious. But at his core he’s lazy and disrespectful and it won’t take long before he returns to his same old ways if you go back.
Learn from me. I stayed far far too long in this situation. I stayed until my child bearing years had all but gone. I’m on my own now at 43 and no kids.
I was elated and happy to be free to start again and I love my life, but it’s tinged with a small regret that I wish I’d been braver and done it years before. Stick to your guns, it’s hard right now but it will be worth it