Do you think it's possible to be unlovable?

[broccolicheesebake]

I'm 38 nearly 39 and have never been loved, in the romantic sense. I was married for 10 years but I was in a bad place when we got together and looking back, it was clear he never loved me and treated me badly. Prior to that, there were guys i liked but they never liked me back. I've never experienced that feeling of mutual attraction, only ever unrequited feelings.

I know from counselling alot of this stems back to childhood stuff. Narc father who was/is emotionally abusive, and mother who I don't have a strong bond with so I have an avoidant attachment styld. Add to this that I'm not physically attractive and I feel like a total dead loss. I'm just not the kind of woman that men fancy. I don't 'bond' with people easily or quickly, so mostly I just merge in to the background and go completely unnoticed.

I think it's quite possible I'll go through life never experiencing a loving healthy relationship and that makes me so sad.

Yes. It's possible, though in your case I would have thought someone somewhere will fall in love with you. You seem sensitive and kind.

Everyone is loveable OP. I believe that's what we truly are deep down. I also believe we come here many times, maybe this time is a different path for you, this could change anytime of course.

Concentrate on developing yourself. Best wishes.

Is therapy an option for you?

Bless you, I agree you seem sensitive and kind and self-aware.

I don't believe that people are 'unlovable'.
One might not meet anyone who loves you - that's a matter of luck, sometimes.
And love, if you find it, doesn't always work out for the best.

Love yourself. It makes all the difference.

Thank you I probably do need to go back to counselling. I had some last year but with a DD in full time childcare at moment its difficult financially. That'll ease next year though and I will go back to it.

I ended my marriage last year and I was on such a high after coming out of it. It was a huge relief. I think I thought I'd walk in to OLD and straight in to the arms of someone who really cared for me. Ha! I have had one date with someone who clearly wasn't interested in slightest and I was obviously number #312 of his dating anything that moved strategy...

Anyway, I realised the error of my ways and knocked it all on the head for now until I'm in a better place. I'm just feeling very low generally and perhaps even mildly depressed at moment. Not the best time to meet anyone else...

It is very hard to love someone who doesn’t love themselves, or even at least value themselves

It sounds like you self sabotage in a way - by withdrawing and being in the background, you are less likely to get hurt

Some of the greatest hurt can be by someone you love, so putting yourself in a vulnerable and open position is so very hard to do. You know it hurts = avoidance. Therefore you are safe. But sad and feel lonely. For someone to love you, you need to be open to it, in so many senses. I think therapy may have come late for you? But it’s not too late if that makes sense. Keep going and working on yourself

Also sounds like the type of man you gravitated towards was unlikely to give you what you deserve. So valuing yourself will avoid falling into these horrible people

I totally get you. I feel exactly the same and actually said yesterday I just don't think I'm meant to be loved. I always put 100% into my relationships in every sense. All apart from one relationship(which I left due to domestic abuse) have always said I love you, your a brilliant person etc etc but then they leave. I'm not overly clingy I believe in not being glued to the other person. I work hard to make others happy but no one loves me. My bf walked out on me the other day after promising me the world. I'm done now I can't keep being thrown away like yesterday's old newspaper. So OP I don't know if it's possible to be loveable but I certainly understand how your feeling 💔 xxxxxx

pookie I think you're spot on with that analysis. That's basically the crux of what my counselor said. I need to go back to it...

SG I'm sorry xx

I think it is, although I'm not saying you are by any manner of means. I think some people have personalites, have had damaging experiences, childhoods etc, that do make them unlovable.

The thought 'I am unlovable' just isn't true. If you keep believing it, then it will become your reality.

I agree noego

I'm not the biggest fan of Maggie Thatcher but this is her fathers quote that she used too, which I think is a good one:

Out thoughts become actions
Our actions become habits
Our habits become us

I very much doubt you're unloveable, OP - but your low self-esteem, lack of confidence, negative cycles of thinking and statements about wanting to walk into the arms of somebody to love you - these are things which are barriers to attracting nice, kind men with good boundaries of their own, and are also making you feel terrible. If therapy or counselling is prohibitively expensive, have you considered support groups? Group mindfullness? There are several of them which you can find on MeetUp, and a lot of NHS trusts can also link you to free or low-cost groups in the area.

It's become a bit of a lame Instagram meme, and I think a lot of people misinterpret what it actually means, but being loveable is hugely about loving yourself first. So often, when people speak of what they want from a relationship, it's of somebody to "complete them", or to show them what it feels like to be loved, to look after them. Personally, I don't think that those are positive things and I wouldn't find somebody focusing on them immediately loveable. I'm not interested in completing somebody else - I want to complement them. I'm not interested in building somebody else up; I want to build something with them. I don't want a partner to be the project I have to work on - I want something mutually exploratory and supportive. To be loved, you also need to be a good partner yourself: turn the question around: what do you have to bring to a partnership? How can you love somebody else, freely and openly?

I think there are characteristics which make people more loveable - being a good communicator; being able to express your needs and desires clearly; being consistent; knowing and being who you are; having the contents of your head sorted; knowing why your last relationships ended and being aware of the part you played in that (very very rarely is it completely one-sided, and I'm always wary of anybody who talks about a long history of being the blameless partner of a series of crazy or abusive exes); giving more than you receive (though not in a doormat-ish, putting everyone's needs ahead of your own way - but being emotionally open, being quick to praise and celebrate others, holding a hand out to welcome somebody to join you.

Well said and well written ComtesseDeSpair

My core belief is that I am unlovable.

Not in the sense of friends and family but romantically. My personality type just seems to be unattractive to women other than as a friend.

You sound like a kind and caring person, OP. You are not unlovable in the slightest.

And rich - .

Some really insightful comments here and so I just want to say thank you for that.

Maybe it's time to look at this from another perspective. You say you only ended a long and damaging marriage a little while ago. That in itself is a great act of self-love - to end something that is harming you.

You started the wheels in motion by that very significant action, and now old ways of thinking are intruding, focusing on things like looks or your earlier experiences. Because change is hard and scary and challenging those core beliefs are as well.

I don't think it's a case of being unlovable, I think it's more about focusing on your strength and courage and all the things you have going for you. You seem thoughtful, caring, and reflective for a start. Not that many people are.

And even fewer people are willing to admit to the feelings you have had and examine them, challenge themselves and reflect on these painful experiences.

So i'd say you're doing just fine - better than fine - great, actually. Took a lot of courage to get to this stage. Keep going.

What was that to rich??

Ime counselling isn't enough - you need therapy. If you've had a narc father the damage and wounds and neglect will go deep. Your mother probably had no time for you bcs she was busy placating the narc.

How do I know all this...

Of course you're loveable. Everybody is! Yes some people could learn to be more pleasant perhaps but that's to do with liking not loving.

I absolutely agree to love yourself. You're gorgeous! You have traits you wish others had ; your wisdom goes deep. Etc

You loved yourself by leaving your abusive partner.

I'm unloveable. I don't mind though. I'm 46, so it's very unlikely I'll meet anyone now. I never see anyone I find remotely attractive. Middle-aged men aren't great to look at or be around, in my opinion.

The problem is placing your self worth on being loved by another. That is too much to expect of another person. It would be metaphorically like meeting someone new and saying ‘ok now here are all my outgoings/direct debits... you can pay them now’

You would never do that to another person, but people walk around with this notion that feelings can be offloaded like that. And sometimes it is very obvious in body language or even language - you may be putting out a clear message of ‘why are you bothering with me no one else does I have too many flaws’

The message that any prospective partner wants to see or hear is ‘I have an open heart and mind, I could get hurt but I am strong, I will not place all these burdens on you to carry’

I keep having this same conversation with my Male friend who keeps saving women from this pit of despair, when he does this he then seems to feel entitled to be with them forever, no matter what. So essentially he is going around giving all his love away, then becoming bitter and resentful he doesn’t have it in return - almost like a payment

Although I think you've got good advice on her OP, it also gives the impression you have to be perfect or perfectly sorted rather, in order to get loved. But I don't think that's the case and relationships around me don't bear that out.

But I agree, love yourself first. I bet your dd loves you. Therefore, you are are loveable.

I feel the same, romantically. I'm pretty ugly tbh. Nice person but no chance of being attractive. It is what it is.