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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is normal - looking at other women

43 replies

IThinkILoveAI · 29/08/2018 06:47

I’ve got another thread about my BF’s behaviour but I would really appreciate some input about other people’s relationships, as I think I’m being gaslighted.

My BF has form for staring at other women. I’ve told him in the past that I found it disrespectful and he said he couldn’t help it, it was natural and all men did it. However he said he would stop.

He told me yesterday that when he goes out with one of his friends (who he has form for doing sleazy things when with him) they spend the evening looking at and commenting upon women.

TBH, this makes me feel a bit sick. I can appreciate you can’t not see attractive people but it’s the whole set up of staring, sitting and commenting that I find this whole thing disrespectful to both me and the women. I recall seeing men his age leering at me from the corner of the bar when I was younger and thinking they were horrible.

He tells me again that this is normal behaviour and that I could line up ten men and at least nine would stare at other women.

I think it is over but I feel like he has got me doubting if I’m reasonable.

Is looking and commenting on other women normal?

OP posts:
OrchidInTheSun · 29/08/2018 06:49

No it's not. Your boyfriend is a misogynist pig. Dump him and find one who actually respects women as human beings.

AnyFucker · 29/08/2018 06:50

Nope

Petalflowers · 29/08/2018 06:51

If do is ogling other women, than that is disrespful. However, an odd comment about a beautiful woman wouldn’t bother me.

For example, my dh would occasionally say ‘she’s a stunner’ if we get served by someone pretty. Actually, I would probably say something similar, but it’s an odd comment once every so often, and not a Saturday night, in the pub, activity.

LusaCole · 29/08/2018 07:02

If his staring is noticeable then that's really grim (both for you and the women he's staring at).

I do think it's normal for men to quietly appreciate a nice figure (and I'd do the same for a fit bloke!).

Original poster
IThinkILoveAI · 29/08/2018 07:04

Yeah, I probably wouldn’t be too bothered about that situation Petal. He just seems to constantly be staring at another women every time we are out. I’ve become so sensitive to it, I feel tense all the time waiting for him to start staring.

We go out for a beer and he is looking at the barmaid’s bum when she bends over. He looks other women up and down. It makes me feel like shit. I’ve become so insecure about myself since we’ve been together.

OP posts:
Original poster
IThinkILoveAI · 29/08/2018 07:06

Obviously I know he will always see attractive women. I’m not so naive that I know there won’t always be attractive people around.

I can appreciate an attractive man. What I don’t do is stare at him in front of my boyfriend or lean over to see his bum if he is serving me a drink.

OP posts:
MysteriousQuinn · 29/08/2018 07:08

I think it's normal to see someone and think they are attractive and maybe give them a second glance. But for 2 men to be sitting in a bar oggling women and commenting on their looks is sleazy and gross. And the fact that he tells you about it shows how little respect he has for you.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/08/2018 07:11

Not normal. It's disrespectful whether you're in a relationship or not. I really feel for the women they're talking about. I imagine they are made to feel really uncomfortable.
It's also juvenile and misogynistic. no way would I be with someone who thought that was normal.

ImogenTubbs · 29/08/2018 07:12

My DH must be the one out of ten then, as he never does this. In the ten years we've been together I've only been aware once that he found another woman attractive and she was performing in a dance show we were watching so hard to miss! I don't think I'd be particularly jealous if he did from time to time, but the way your H seems to view it as a sport is a bit worrying and disrespectful - to both the other women and to you.

Original poster
IThinkILoveAI · 29/08/2018 07:13

mysterious I’d be absolutely fine with the situation you describe. I see lots of attractive men all the time and will have a quick look occasionally.

I once tried playing him at his own game by staring at other men and pretending I was distracted from him. He didn’t like it but seems to be slipping back into his old ways.

OP posts:
Secretsquirrel101 · 29/08/2018 07:15

He sounds somewhat repulsive... as a pp says, what a misogynistic pig to sit and pass judgement on women out trying to enjoy themselves.
I have never once noticed my DP looking at another woman in a way that suggests he finds her attractive, nor has he ever felt the need to tell me (why?) a woman is attractive. It's just unnecessary. Of course he does find other woman attractive, but he's not a lecherous creep.

MistressDeeCee · 29/08/2018 07:18

No, it's not normal. Of course men are going to look, just as women look at men. Why not? But openly staring & telling your partner about it too is misogynistic and disrespectful.

What are women to him, just sex objects/a possible fuck? Women are probably thinking "what a fucking creep", with all that staring.

Sleazy old lech - get rid of him. More to life than putting up with stupid shit from a man

BuffyFan · 29/08/2018 07:18

That's repugnant. If this were the only issue you were having with him OP it might be salvageable, but it doesn't sound like it is. Until you decide whether or not you're leaving, I'd be tempted to give him a taste of his own medicine - start eyeballing men anywhere you go, be really obvious about it, and watch him squirm as he fights with his own double standards. You'll doubtless get some tripe about how it's natural for men but not for women, and you'll have the measure of the man.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 07:18

I’ve become so insecure about myself since we’ve been together.

Being with someone should make you feel better about yourself, not worse.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 29/08/2018 07:18

Don't play him at his own game. That will make him think it's acceptable.
Just leave.

politicalcorrectnessisgreat · 29/08/2018 07:19

Not normal in my social group.

BuffyFan · 29/08/2018 07:23

In terms of what's "normal", my husband and I have been together for 20 years. He will happily admire an attractive woman, but even as the 19-year-old I first met, let alone the pushing-40 he is now, has never behaved in the way you described. I may have the 1 out of 10 and your oh is right "all men do this" but somehow I don't think so. Respect is not so exceptional.

FrangipaniBlue · 29/08/2018 07:24

I don't think it's "normal" for men to spend the evening ogling and commenting on other women, total misogynistic pigs if you ask me.

I do think it's normal for a man to glance/look at a particularly beautiful or eye catching woman if she happens to walk past iyswim. Similarly I would say women look at particularly good looking men (see all the threads on here talking about people like Tom Hardy/Tom Hiddleston/et al).

But I've been with my DH for 20 years and in all that time I've never actually seen him looking at another woman, even the beautiful kind and even when he was a horny teenager Confused

I'm not saying he doesn't do it because I'm not totally naive but he has enough respect for me not to do it openly or in front of me.

Going all soft in the head and starry eyed when there's a beautiful car in the vicinity, now that's a whole other thread.......... Grin

BestBeforeYesterday · 29/08/2018 07:26

His behaviour isn't normal. If you're not sure it is, take a look at how other men behave. Not all of them are constantly eyeing up women.

I'd dump him if I were you. you can do much better than him.

MysteriousQuinn · 29/08/2018 07:28

I couldn't be with a man like that. He sounds creepy and clearly has very little respect for women and doesn't see them as more than just a pair of tits or a bum to look at. Doesn't it put you off him? Would make my skin crawl.

Petalflowers · 29/08/2018 07:36

Mumsnet is obviously statistically flawed, as we all have the one-tenth of the male population who don’t ogle women!

cakecakecheese · 29/08/2018 07:42

As others have said, glancing at someone attractive is fine but staring and ogling is not. As for making a point of checking out another woman's bum while he is with you, that is very disrespectful.

NonaGrey · 29/08/2018 07:46

Mumsnet is obviously statistically flawed, as we all have the one-tenth of the male population who don’t ogle women!

But that statement implies that the other 90% do “ogle” women.

I don’t know any men either friends, family or colleagues who openly stare at other women, whether in the presence of their partner or not.

I imagine they do what I do, fleetingly think “goodness, aren’t they attractive” and think no more of it.

Sitting staring at someone isn’t in any way normal.

Original poster
IThinkILoveAI · 29/08/2018 07:54

Thanks for the advice. I know deep down that he is attempting to spin me a line.

I didn’t imagine he would be like this when we first got together. I suppose he his his true self until I was hooked in.

OP posts:
whylie · 29/08/2018 07:55

Oh no...my OH used to do this!
He also confessed to wearing sun glasses too, so that I could t see his eyes..Hmm...I too also played him at his own game and he HATED it but still done it!...Also he actually stopped it!

Now he tends to look at the women who think they look good!...when they they look a mess...

My OH was in his mid 20s when this happen, also had a six pack and was fit!...then I fattened him up...Grin

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