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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He attacked me and I left him

36 replies

wonderwoman2018 · 28/08/2018 22:26

It has been 2 months since my ex partner brutally attacked me. I left immediately, called the police and they have charged him. He is due in court in a couple of months and I will have to give evidence. I had been coping well, throwing myself into setting up a new home for me and the DCs but recently I have started to feel very overwhelmed by it all. I am tired, miserable and feel like I am struggling to cope with it all. Even trying to write this feels like hard work. Please tell me this will pass!

OP posts:

ferando81 · 28/08/2018 23:22

You have been very brave .Too many women take the easier option and choose to live with a violent partner ,lying to themselves that he will change.This weakness enables the violent man to also kid himself and justify to himself that he was right and the violence was the women's fault because she wound him up.
You have protected yourself and your children -don't weaken .Good luck!

Ava1988 · 28/08/2018 23:25

You should be very proud of yourself! You are doing an amazing job. Ask for support from family and friends when you feel like this. It's part of the process and itll soon be over. What lucky children your DC's are to have you 😊

Passingwords · 28/08/2018 23:33

Wow well done you , it sounds like you are just coming down from survival flight mode into the next level down of what now- oh yes it’s not over it’s off to court. It will pass, you need to think about nourishing yourself now and a bit of home pampering and a bloody massive pat on the back. Plan some pj days at home if you can with the kids and just rest and enjoy, some quiet walks and picnics together. Sounds like a bit of a road ahead to get him out of your life but just take your time, you are doing fine, go to sleep with a smile, you and your dcs are safe and that’s down to you

NadiaLeon · 28/08/2018 23:52

Everything feeling you've ever had has passed eventually. This will be no different.

DonkeyPlease · 29/08/2018 03:43

You've found yourself in hell, so keep walking.

You absolutely will feel better.

You've been hugely brave. The adrenaline is wearing off now, you're bound to feel shit for a while but it's all part of healing and moving on.

I went through this three months after my baby was released from NICU (was very strong and factual while baby was actually hospitalized and then fell apart a few months later) and also six weeks after I left my exdh. Basically you come back down to earth once it's safe to feel all the terror, uncertainty, grief etc.

What you're experiencing is very difficult BUT entirely ordination and natural and you WILL feel better xx

DaddyKnight · 29/08/2018 05:03

A long time ago, something like this happened to me. The first thing to do is to find lots of friends who you can spend time with. It's so common you'll soon find a friend or neighbour who's been in the same boat. The pain for the first few weeks is very bad, but every day it gets a little better. At six months, you'll be back to normal, with a new, happy life. I know I was, and found a new wife - we are about to take our son off to University.

Amanda123444 · 29/08/2018 05:06

This reply has been deleted

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JohnnyKarate · 29/08/2018 05:10

Amanda123444 if she had an affair does that justify him attacking her?

No it doesn't.

Lizzy1980 · 29/08/2018 05:11

Wonderwoman, I'm not surprised that you're feeling so low. You've been through a terrible ordeal and no doubt you've had to stay strong for the sake of your children. You also have the court case hanging over you.
You've done the right thing, always remember that

GertrudeCB · 29/08/2018 06:29

What the fuck Amanda ?!?!
Op do you have any support?

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 06:43

It's always helpful to know as much as possible. That I think was the reason for Amanda's question.
It is never ok for someone to hit another person. Never. However, if you don't try and umderstand WHY it happened, then there is no chance of preventing it in future. All you're left with is the act of hitting.

Amanda123444 · 29/08/2018 07:02

This reply has been deleted

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imip · 29/08/2018 07:05

Seriously amanda he attacked her, there doesn’t need to be a ‘readin’ He crossed a line and it’s never justified.

imip · 29/08/2018 07:06

Reason

MistressDeeCee · 29/08/2018 07:09

You are just being nosey. Also stupid - as if there's any justification for domestic violence. Trolls just want a background story so they can pile in make OP feel like shit.

You need know fuck all but that he's been violent, police have charged him and OP needs a bit of support

ALittleBitConfused1 · 29/08/2018 07:11

There are some amazing posts on here but a couple of terrible posts too.
Firstly lets get one thing straight a battered woman who stays with the perpertrator is not weak. Unless you have lived this shit you have no idea what these men do to you. They crush you, mentally and emotionally. Its hideous to love someone who uses threats, manipulation and violence to control you. Living with that kind of torture creates all kinds of issues, trauma bonding is not the easiest option. Not being able to get over the fear and start the process of womens refuges, court cases and police reports, not being able to accept that you are a victim of dv at the hands of someone who you love and fear at the same time is not weakness ffs.
Secondly, to the poster who asked why he hit you. ....what a ridiculous question. He atracked her because he is an abusive violent man. Anything other than that isnt relevant.
Op you are doing so well, you really are. You will not become a statistic, one of the 105 people (mainly women but men suffer too)who are murdered in the uk each year because of dv. Shocking statistic but true. You have, up until now been running on flight or fight mode. Your body has been rushing with adrenaline and corsodole, thats your safety mechanism for surviving these types of relationships and they have lasting physical and mental effects. That is now subsiding and you will be left with fear and vulnerability. I wont lie to you this will be one of the hardest times in your life. But i 100% know you will survive. I did and you can too. Everything you are feeling is completely normal.
Most importantly stay safe. Im assuming he will have conditional bail that stops him from contacting you until the trial. Use it, its imperative you notify the police if he does. Do not fall for his words of forgiveness, he wont mean it.
The police shouldve given you paperwork with referals to crisis women centres, if not look up local dv centres. They offer support and councelling. Use them. I did and im not exagerating when i say the free 8 months of intense trauma therapy saved my sanity. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an abusive relationship that ended the exact same way yours did and the effects of that were deep. If you begin to struggle please go to your gp. You are going to need lots of support and help in coming to terms with what has happened to you. Its not just a case of leaving and it will all be ok.
I look back now 15 months later (i also went to court and won) and can see some of my darkest days but its like a different person. I am stronger now than ever before. I dont fear anymore i stand tall with pride and strength at what ive overcome and so will you.

LadyLapsang · 29/08/2018 07:23

for you wonderwoman. You have been so brave and I 'm sure this will pass. Do talk to people in RL and get the support you need. Amanda - abuse is always wrong. Even asking your question is implying blame. Wonderwoman has told us she was brutally attacked and the Police are prosecuting - that is all we need to know.

CrossFlannelCherry · 29/08/2018 07:31

Brutally beating someone is never just 'a mistake' Amanda. The circumstances are totally irrelevant. Would you say 'we can't judge him without knowing the reason' if he'd brutally beaten a child, or even a dog ffs, but women? Oh well he may have had reason to so best not judge ay. OP do you have people supporting you and your DC through this? Have you spoken to Women's Aid about what support is available? You will get through this, you are strong and you are a good mum doing the right thing for your children. Keep telling yourself that

BIWI · 29/08/2018 07:38

@Amanda123444 Why do you have to know the whys and wherefores? He hit her and it was clearly serious as the police arrested him and he's in court.

It's none of your business - and trying to blame the victim (which is what you're suggesting) is outrageous.

Oh, and learn to use ellipses properly. The way you post makes you look even more ignorant.

BIWI · 29/08/2018 07:40

@wonderwoman2018 sounds like you've done brilliantly well, but I'm not surprised you're struggling. It's still very raw and recent for you - take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. It's bound to take time to get over such a traumatic event.

GertrudeCB · 29/08/2018 07:50

And actually Amanda I know exactly why my exbf broke my nose .
It was because he was a cunt with a drinking problem and a massive chip on his shoulder. My "crime" was refusing to walk out of work halfway through a shift to get him more money to fund his all day bender.

NadiaLeon · 29/08/2018 07:56

Wanting to know the circumstances is being nosey, but can also be helpful.
If I went to counselling, and all I said was 'I was hit', you don't get very far.
Let me stress again there is never a reason ever why you need to hit someone. Ever.
No man should ever hit a woman, even if she had started an affair with his brother, removed him from the house deeds and smashed his beloved model railway.
However, it still interesting to know the background, and can be helpful in working through it to heal.

Amanda123444 · 29/08/2018 08:53

Anyone who is bashing me here must know that i have also witnessed domestic violence and i have seen husbands who were mostly supportive and loving but got cuckolded by their wives......... So i don't judge anyone based on one sided story....... Violence is always wrong but that doesn't mean husband here is a bad person.... Tell me anyone who knows the husband here in person, have you met him since you people are very quick to judge him......... Without knowing full story you people have no right to blame anyone... If wonderwoman gives us full details then you people should judge anyone

Amanda123444 · 29/08/2018 08:56

NadiaLeon, thanks for consideration

Original poster

wonderwoman2018 · 29/08/2018 09:00

Thank you for all your extremely encouraging responses, I truly appreciate them. Bit of background for you me ex is a classic narc, I would say borderline personality disorder with no understanding of boundaries and what is acceptable in life. He manipulates and controls everyone in his life, with a family who enables this behaviour and who have never once supported me in what has been a hell of a relationship. His compulsive behaviour and binge drinking are what usually kicks off his outbursts. It took several years of him carefully hiding these traits until I fell pregnant with our one and only child. The cracks started to appear very quickly but by then I had dc (from my marriage) and another on the way.
He has never shown any remorse for any of the things he has done to me, assaulting me, spiking my drinks on more than one occasion, his repeated use of hook up sites and his abusive outbursts over the tiniest of things. He carefully hid his true self for several years, which I am amazed at how well he did, fooling everyone in his life, my own family and me. I am well rid of him and I know that life will get better but I am just struggling to deal with my own feelings and the enormous task of gutting my house so that we can move home. I will never ever go back to him and I am not missing him at all, I am just sad that I feel the last 9 years of my life have been wasted on an arsehole, bringing a child into the world with him which will somehow tie us for life. I will never be able to get rid of him completely.

The latest and final outburst was basically because I wouldn't have sex with him coupled with the fact that I had been starting to say no to lots of things over the last 6 months or so, things like holidays with the kids, meals out etc. He got pissed and basically lost the plot. I was black and blue with bite marks all over my face, and it was heartbreaking for my dc to see me in that state all down to the man that was supposed to care about their mother.

OP posts:

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