sorry to bother you, but I am at the end of my tether: should I cut ties with family?

[hannah11]

hi everyone

when I was small my brothers and sisters left home (they were much older) - my mother was bringing us up alone and I was the last one. I loved her more than anything - then when she had a boyfriend they used to abuse me (though I was never touched). My siblings didn't help even though it was pretty obvious I was very troubled (and I asked one for help:they did nothing). I never said anything (my mother was a drama queen and I put her happiness before mine) but later on when I went to university I had a lot of trouble and eventually sought some help - basically to overcome the extreme depressions I suffer. I have never had it out with her or the rest of my family - I still experience big mood swings when I see them which is about once every year. Somehow even though I live on another continent my life is still dictated by it all and I feel that the time has come to say or do something. My siblings do not take much notice of my life even now and we never communicate though I have a good relationship with their children.

My mother has been ultra-nice since I left home, and it makes me feel quite insane - as if I cannot do anything now about the past because she is being sickly sweet.

I am planning a family and I think that the only way I can raise a family would be to cut ties completely with them - in practical terms this would mean never seeing them at Christmas and not receiving birthday cards or phone calls from my mother.

Have any of you cut ties with family and what has it been like? To be honest I am too disappointed and disgusted with them (especially now I am an adult) to be able to keep up this charade (it is this duality which is the problem - and the fact that the truth is just never revealed).

I'd be grateful for any advice?

Hannah

Oh Hannah, this sounds a terrible situation that you are in. I am so sorry that this happened to you when you were a child. Do you have someone you can talk to about your feelings so that you can have the opportunity to discuss them at legnth? Sometimes it can help to write a letter to the person(s) who have caused grave suffering, it can be cathartic whether or not you decide to send it.

Thinking of you and apologies if not much advice, but I am sure someone will be along soon who will have suggestions.
Tumblemum x

Thanks - the problem is that I am living in a country where I don't speak the language - so my normal support systems are not there.
I am so pleased for your kind words - I have been wondering if I am overreacting.

Yes, I would cut ties with your mother, for your own mental health. Since I`ve cut ties with mine, my life has improved SO much.
Please read and join this thread.
here
Lots of other women are going through what you are. Youre going to be fine.

I also live in a very faraway country, where I dont speak the language. Other women on that thread have also emigrated. Its NOt a coincidence. We tried our very best to get away, but our problems follow us wherever we go, dont they.
We have to face them, before we get better, but its so scary to do so. I would wait until you`re feeling stronger and have a network in your new country. Then think about tackling this problem head on. As I say, theres lots of advice and recommended books on that other thread.

As most people do, I have problems with things that happened as a child - whether they were particularly bad or not, or how they compare to what has happened to you, is irrelevant. But I am certain that these problems were contributing factors to my developing PND after the birth of my first child. As a result of dealing with, and recovering from, the PND, I have come to the conclusion that I think one has to decide to take responsibility for one's own problems. I'm not denying that in your case the problems are as a result of your relationship with your family, nor that they are very real, but if you can't get what you feel is the source of the problem to acknowledge it (ie your mother) then you have to find another way to deal with it.

My parents won't accept responisbility for what I think is their fault. Shall I spend the rest of my life fighting this? I cannot force them to change, and their paying lip-service to what I want doesn't work either. So I have to choose to accept that they won't change, but I can, and find ways to release my problems and go forward on my own terms.

Family is too precious to squander. If you don't live near your family then they don't need to be in your face all the time - you can choose how you want to live without reference to them.

If you can't access the help you need in your counrty, try reading around the subject and discussing on MN the issues that arise. I have found several books helpful in the past, particularly parenting books which have helped me break the cycle, because sometimes you can't think of how to behave differently to how your parents behaved, and identifying a different way of responding to your children can help put your finger on what it is upset you in the past.

Toxic Parents (don't remember the author)
The Good Enough Parent, Bruno Bettleheim (not sure of spelling)
anything by Chaim Ginot
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Elaine Faber and ??? Mazlish

They're often quite psychoanalysis-oriented, but very useful books.

DH has cut off ties with his mother (his father left when he was 5) albeit for very different reasons. He's never felt supported by her, she always critised anything he does and is very close to his ex wife whom she would prefer to spend time with. She has 2 grandaughters whom she has visited once despite us taking them to her and in the end he gave up. He can't stand her and wants nothing to do with her. Since the fallout, me and DD's have walked passed her in the street (she lives up the road) and she's ignored me and them. We have no support where we live. My parents live 30 mins away but they are elderly and although we visit them they don't look after DD's. IME you get used to coping on your own.

Hi Hannah, I'm so sorry to hear that you're in this situation and can sympathise. I'd really recommend you read/join the thread Sakura has linked to as it's full of similar experiences and contains lots of thoughtful comments and good advice. I cut contact with my mother last November (though we do still exchange cards on birthdays, only because this helps me to maintain my shaky relationship with my brother and sister) - the thread has been a huge help to me, not least because I now know that I'm not the only person in this situation. The other people who post there are hugely supportive of each other.

Three years ago I would have agreed with PrettyCandles that "family is too precious to squander" but my experience is that sometimes families cross the line and at that point cutting contact is the only healthy thing one can do for oneself (and one's partner and children). You'll see from the thread that alot of people's relationships with their mothers changed when they either got married or had children, so if you are feeling like this even before having a family, you may find your need to cut contact escalates once you do.

Hope to see you on the other thread and good luck with whatever you decide. Cutting contact is hard but I have found my life is happier and calmer since cutting contact with my parents.

Thank you - I will certainly get those books. I am used to coping on my own (since very young) - it is just that it feels as if there is a huge cloud of dishonesty which makes me feel totally insane. I seem to have had the same conversation with myself for the last 25 years "if only I could just talk to her about what she did".

My mother managed to make me feel all these years that she is so fragile that if I made her feel uncomfortable I would lose her too (like I did my father: who died). So I kept quiet like a good little girl: I sacrificed myself (and my innocence) to make her happy.

It's true that it is no coincidence that we all move abroad - you can change the location but not the circumstance unfortunately.

So I shall certainly have to take steps - i have tried to meditate and "accept" but that isn't working.

I need to get to the stage where i have built my self esteem enough, so that what she feels or thinks doesn't matter as much as my comfort and my future!

Perhaps the first stage is that I ask her to apologise and explain and then I take the next step to cut them off (as a contingency I will have that in mind)?

thanks for the link to that thread Sakura - it's made me weep! (as you can tell I havent been to bed at all recently ...)

Much love
Hannah

BIG HUG to you hannah11. This is not an easy decision you are facing, and if you do decide to cut your family out of your life, don't let anybody tell you otherwise. It took me 32 years to come to the decision, and it is still hard work sometimes, but worth it.

I did everything I could to "mend" the relationship with my parents and try and get them to take some responsibility in a situation that just turned really nasty because of their selfish and controlfreaky behaviour. They refused and I feel that it is them that have chosen that I no longer have parents and my children no longer have them as grandparents.

Best of luck, and remember we will always be here to help you through whatever you decide to do

thanks maisemor

for some reason today I am in pieces! there just don't seem to be enough tears.

I know there are two ways to go: accept everything (but does this mean accepting the rage and sadness I feel as well? especially as keeping contact means that I have the feeling that I am saying that everything was fine: I don't matter) or do something (confront and get ready to cut ties).

I think that is what I have to do - confront my mother (and siblings) with what happened and then cut ties. I keep trying to forgive but as long as they are around there is no way.

kisses

Hannah

I think sympathetic professional counselling could be a really good thing. A lot of professionals will have mastered English you know. I don't know where you live but I think you may find someone able to help you in English. If you have a GP who speaks English, perhaps s/he could recommend someone to you? I could imagine a lot of painful things might rise to the surface when you're pregnant and it would be good to have someone to talk to about it all.

thanks - I will give it a go - I put out some feelers to see if perhaps an English psychologist was working from over here ... we'll see ...

kisses

Hannah

or perhaps someone who trained in an English speaking country? They will probably need a fair level of English to read a lot of the specialist publications too, so I hope you will find someone. Perhaps you could call those in the phone book who are nearby and ask whether they can work with patients in English.

I can't tell you not to cut contact, or that it would be a bad thing, because I'm not you and I don't know your circumstances. In the same way I don't want anyone who has done so to think that I'm criticising their choice. I'm not, it's just that I don't think it's a constructive way forward.

Cutting off family doesn't change the way you think about yourself. It doesn't change the feeling of guilt about allowing yourself to feel something that your parents wouldn't allow you to feel. And that I truly believe is the key. When a parent applies any form of emoitional blackmail, denying the child the right to their emotion, that causes a deep wound to the child. You need to heal that wwound. (If the parent will accept the past, and how their child feels about it, that in itself is very healing. But even then you have to learn a new way of thinking about yourself.) You have to allow yourself all the feelings, emotions, attitudes that were unacceptable when you were a child. Ultimately the healing is up to you, not them.

Yes, you accept your rage and sadness - you have every right to them. And no, you do not have to forgive anyone.

Hi Hannah

I have posted on the other thread so won't repeat myself, but just wanted to say that of course I would suggest confrontation first and cutting off ties as a last resort, except where the abuse was of a sexual nature which you seem to be suggesting it was. In those circumstances I would not consider letting my mother anywhere near my children.

I also think in response to what prettycandles has said that Hannah seems to be struggling (as I did) to express that rage and anger and recover her lost self esteem whilst continuing to maintain the charade that everything is ok. In my experience it just wasn't possible, even with counselling, to heal myself while I continued to be party to the family charade and allow my mother to act as if nothing had happened.

Most of us who have cut ties (or given ultimatums to do so if the truth wasn't talked about, as I did) have done so because we haven't had any choice. My mother has recently after a year started to acknowledge my reality and to accept some of what I have said to be true, but it is a long road ahead. In the meantime I have moved forward and become happier and stronger than I could have dreamed of. Taking care of myself could not have happened without the confrontation of my family, I would have just been sucked back in on day two and made to believe it was all my fault.

Oh, and btw I too, like you Hannah, always put my mother's feelings first and suppressed my rage and upset because I feared (quite rightly it seems) losing her if I ever expressed that anger to her. My dad also died when I was younger and having lost one parent you will go to the ends of the earth to make sure you don't lose the other.

But it isn't that bad when it happens. We are adults now and you don't rely for survival on your mother any longer. Sakura is right, you will cope. You had good reasons to make sure in every way possible she didn't leave you as a child but those reasons are no longer there. When my mother cut off from me because of my confrontation my worst fears were realised but (with the help of all the lovely women on the other thread) I survived it and now I have nothing left to fear. It is a great position to be in. If you can confront your mother and bring things out into the open and survive, even possible abandonment by your family, you will be able to survive anything life throws at you - that is the way I feel now.

It's true - in some ways I am still stuck in the "don't leave me" "don't cry" phase - as in I would do anything to make her happy: but in practical terms, I haven't been dependent on her since I was 16 and haven't lived in the same house, or town, for ten years. There were many times - eg when she has said she wished I was dead - when I could have come out with everything - or when i was being labelled as "difficult" to the rest of the family (when I was trying to get out of going on holiday with her and the abusive boyfriend): but I just kept quiet and I think I feel some guilt/responsibility about that.

In some ways I feel that I want to scream and shout about it - but I only manage to do that alone.

In everyone's experience is it best to confront face to face or is it best to do it in writing? Perhaps in writing is best as it means everyone gets the same letter? And also as I faltered in the past when she turned on the tears?

hugs

Hannah

In writing is good, because these people really know your sensitive points and how to make you feel like a little girl again instead of a confident woman. So face to face, you might feel that everything you want to say is coming out wrong. Also, you might lose it (like I would), and theyd have an excuse to say that its <span class="italic">you</span> who has the problem. Also, when its down in black and white, with clear questions, they cant skirt around the issue and pretend youre not asking those things. They have to reply to those points. And if they donT (like my parents wont), then you know theyll never change- EVER, and you have to take steps to come to terms with that. My dad told me it was "very sad" for me that I had remembered my childhood wrong.
Also, its quite cathartic to write everything down.

Exactly - I am also saying to her "you do realise this is sexual abuse?" which would be hard to say to anyone let alone my mother. It has been a strange day - perhaps this is a turning point. The last 25 years I have been a broken record - constantly the same thoughts going through my head "I must say something to them" etc. It's about time I offloaded some of the burden to where it belongs.

Today while I was crying I was jotting down things I must remember to say - the problem is the more I write down, the more I remember I am also worried that the letter I write won't be perfect or complete enough - is that normal?

Thanks for being patient with me everyone

hugs
Hannah

Im doing a little self-therapy at the moment, where I write down 3 pages of ANYTHING every morning. IT gets everything out onto the page before I start my day, so angry thoughts are out of my head as much as possible. Its horrible because I alwyas mean to write about my plans or some nice thoughts and EVERY time, some new horrible memory or something comes onto the page. Every day. So I end up starting the day thinking about them. But in fact, it has helped me to start to enjoy life more, because if I didnt write it down, it would still be with me all day, just supressed somewhere in my sub-conciousness.
If I were you ID write LOADS of practice letters (theyll be different every time). Then leave it a week or so and by then youll be feeling different. Then write another one, Then leave it a week and carry on like this. At <span class="italic">some</span> point, youll realise that youve written THE letter. The tone you need is of a confident independant young woman who is looking for answers and an acknowledgement. Dont express all your anger or sadness through your words, because this is what can be used by your family to avoid the issue. We are talking about FACTS here, and the facts are that you were abused and the abuse was ignored by your mother and you need an acknowledgement of your pain before the relationship between you and your mother can resume.
Ive recently sent a "final" letter to my mother. It was written a few months ago, and was just sitting in my flat. I re-read it again and again and I was sure it was perfect. I was <span class="italic">sure</span> that she had a bit of humanity in her to enable her acknowledge her abusive behaviour during by childhood and beyond. The reply came back as cold as ever, about how <span class="italic">she</span> was emotionally abused by my father and how she has managed to overcome divorcing him without <span class="italic">any</span> help from me whatsoever . I wanted to write an angry letter back immediately telling her how ridiculous she is, but I stopped myself and realised I have to let go. I have to let her go, and shell never change.

yes - my mother actively participated in the abuse so I am also pointing the finger at her. One thing I am concerned about is that over the years I would keep on almost writing to her, but in the end each letter would be thrown away - I might have to stop the perfectionism and just write something (after all I am not trying to justify myself - though it feels like it in some way). I might have to set myself a deadline.

The idea of writing 3 pages a day sounds like a very good idea. I shall give it a go.

Thanks for your support!

Hugs
Hannah

Have read some of your thread Hannah and really feel for you. I don't have any experience to help I am afraid but like you I live on the continent in a non-English speaking country.

A lot of medical professionals from here trained in the States or UK so would have very good English. Do you have a doctor? Maybe your first port of call should be to go to your doctor and ask for recommendations.

Are there any expat groups where you are? In previous locations I came across and American counsellor an a NZ one. Both travelling with their husbands jobs but both willing to see people. Ask around.

Good luck.

IME, it is really hard to have things out with your family. I have written emails and letters (which got no meaningful reply) and I have on several occasions, tried to confront them about a particular family issue. Each time, they turned on the tears, or blamed me, or resorted to silence, point blank lies or refusal to explain their actions. We have never had a proper discussion of anything.

If your family is a family of deniers, like mine (is that a word??), then you are unlikely to get more than the satisfaction of letting them know your views. I have actually cut off now, and like you, I live in another country. It is hard without a family network, but I have never really had one, so dont miss it too much.

can really relate to the mother who sucks your sympathy, as my mother did this too, ever since we were small children. I used to fall for it hook line and sinker, but she has used up her lifetime's supply of sympathy from me now.

wish you every success in resolving this as best you can, hannah. It sounds as though you have been carrying a lot of suffering for many years.

Thanks - I know that there is little hope for a good discussion, but I do need to express what I have been feeling without fearing the consequences. I feel as if I sacrificed my childhood for my mother's happiness - no wonder I have no self worth. Even when I told an older - adult - sibling they ignored my cry for help: can't upset the status quo can we. Even now I am bottom of the food chain: they only ever contact me to help their children with their studies, otherwise I have no contact (I am the only one with a university education - the others left school at 16 and still they like to treat me as if I am stupid and hardly able to breathe the same air as them).

There is a deep vein of pain which occasionally opens up - um, like now. That is what I want to stop happening. The only way to get the power back is to say "this is how I felt, this is what happened" and then if they don't show remorse, I have to cut them off. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I wish I was as brave as the rest of you!

Hugs

Hannah