sorry to bother you, but I am at the end of my tether: should I cut ties with family?

[hannah11]

hi everyone

when I was small my brothers and sisters left home (they were much older) - my mother was bringing us up alone and I was the last one. I loved her more than anything - then when she had a boyfriend they used to abuse me (though I was never touched). My siblings didn't help even though it was pretty obvious I was very troubled (and I asked one for help:they did nothing). I never said anything (my mother was a drama queen and I put her happiness before mine) but later on when I went to university I had a lot of trouble and eventually sought some help - basically to overcome the extreme depressions I suffer. I have never had it out with her or the rest of my family - I still experience big mood swings when I see them which is about once every year. Somehow even though I live on another continent my life is still dictated by it all and I feel that the time has come to say or do something. My siblings do not take much notice of my life even now and we never communicate though I have a good relationship with their children.

My mother has been ultra-nice since I left home, and it makes me feel quite insane - as if I cannot do anything now about the past because she is being sickly sweet.

I am planning a family and I think that the only way I can raise a family would be to cut ties completely with them - in practical terms this would mean never seeing them at Christmas and not receiving birthday cards or phone calls from my mother.

Have any of you cut ties with family and what has it been like? To be honest I am too disappointed and disgusted with them (especially now I am an adult) to be able to keep up this charade (it is this duality which is the problem - and the fact that the truth is just never revealed).

I'd be grateful for any advice?

Hannah

I think I understand better now your thoughts about cutting your family off. Sakura's post re writing is very good indeed. Something I would like to add is that the letter grows out of the stream-of-consciousness that you write for yourself. Eventually the letter alkmost writes itself and you know when it is ready. It gets sent when you youirself are ready.

A point that a consellor once made for me - actually he repeated it over and over! - is to concentrate on what you want to happen, rather than on what you don't want to happen. This is importrant imn every part of youer life, and was a very important factor for me in overcoming PND, as well a in not developing it again. Keep it in mind when you write the letters, but also try to ease it into your stream-of-consciousness, too by including som e 'what I want' statements.

Hi Hannah. I've only read your post and none of the replies so I may be repeating.

A friend of mine went through a similar situation, although she did tell her mother and wasn't believed. This has affected her life deeply and she ended up in mental institutions several times. She has since been through intense counselling and cut all ties with her family, which she needed to do for the sake of her own sanity.

Could you even bring yourself (or your partner) to write your mother a letter explaining the situation? Leave the ball in their court. If they don't believe you, at least you tried and then you can feel justified cutting ties with them.

Basically put yourself first and do what you feel is necessary. It's truly horrible and one which I feel you need a lot of support to work through so you can move forward with your life.

I really wish you all the best for the future x

Oh hannah you poor thing,
Your days and nights must be consumed with horrible let down thoughts. Your mother, of anyone in your life is supposed to love, support and protect you and yours has let you down horribly.
From this you obviously need to move on as best as possible.
Not knowing anything about your location, I can only suggest counselling. Is there a university near you?
Do you work? for a big company? with contacts in GB.
Is there such a thing as online counselling?
I haven't walked that mile in your shoes thank God, but 'think' that i might report them to the police when you are stronger and get her the hellout of my life. She is a mother in name only. It takes a lot more to fulfill that role IMO.
Take good care.

Hannah, you sound a lot braver than I did when I started this "journey" into my psyche. It was the hardest thing Ive ever had to do in my entire life. Confronting my mother (and father) was <span class="italic">much</span> harder than dealing with the abuse when it happened. Then to find no remorse there, and the tables turned on you as though you are the one with the problem is soul-destroying. I think I had an undiagnosed nervous breakdown around that time (if there is such a thing). Yes, looking back it was <span class="italic">beyond</span> depression. But I would not back down and act as though my mother was normal and I was the unreasonable one. If you decide to confront your mother about your past, you will feel like you have gone to hell and back when its over because its unlikely she will admit that it happened, and then..suddenly one day, the weight on your shoulders will seem lighter.. I really <span class="italic">hope</span> that she does meet you halfway- there is one story on the other thread,Pages, where she and her mother came to some kind of understanding, so it is possible.

Sakura - thanks- I don't feel brave! Today I am less tearful but I have hit a wall of tiredness. I have decided that I need to write these letters sooner rather than later - I will set myself a deadline I think as I have been mulling over doing this for over 20 years! At this point something has to change - the family always assumed that as I love them I would never do anything to hurt them or upset the status quo. What will surprise them is that I really don't mind as I know that all this unresolved stuff is holding me back.

I doubt my mother will react well - probably she will be very childish. My siblings have probably never resolved problems in their own childhood (when our father died) and I think that the habit of denying and never expressing things is a huge problem.

Smalltowngirl - thank you for your message - your indignation is what I need to hear as it reminds me that I am not mad and that I am doing the right thing. I am trying to find counsellors here (through a local doctor with an English wife) so I hope that something comes of it. I am really tempted to call the police on her and my siblings - (when I asked for assistance from one of them they were in their twenties and did nothing - so basically I think that they are just as much to blame).

Beachbunni I am certainly planning to write letters - I need to stop caring what might happen and just get relief from the fact that I can express what has happened (after years of being numb). I know that really whatever happens will be better than this - either they get angy and I tell them exactly what I think about them and shut the door forever, or I tell them and they make an effort. Either way the problem won't be mine any more - the burden has been too much to bear for a long time and I remember having suicidal thoughts from about the age of 8 !!! Just to stop the pain. I chose a career helping people and put all my anger into that - the typical hypervigilance of an abuse victim apparently.

prettycandles I think that is a great idea - in writing the letters I think I will try to be as clinical as possible, and state what I want (acknowledgement, understanding, communication, apology). I am planning to go off to a little village tomorrow, sit outside at a cafe and write: I have been stuck inside now for three days.

At this moment I feel better about myself - I think I have made the important step of really not thinking it is my fault - I have felt ashamed and embarrassed for years - whereas that should be what they feel. If they want a public split I would be able to transmit what happened to the wider family and then cut off ties; that involves a whole other way of viewing the situation, which I never thought I was capable of.

So perhaps now that is some kind of progress.
I just wish I could stop being scared of them! It is like facing bullies.

hugs

Hannah

good luck hannah. i do think writing this letter will be cathartic. and good for your dm to know how you feel. it's time she took responsibility for her part, although brace yourself in case she doesn't. you're amazing! even i can see that and i'm just reading words on a page - THAT'S how amazing you are.

Thanks warthog - I've been feeling very low and the old self-loathing has been creeping in. It is so kind of you to say that.

I wish I could rise above this all some other way, but other than a memory-deletion process (if only this existed) it seems as if the letter is the way to go - and I am already living as if she has decided to react badly.

much love

Hannah

Hannah, its exactly like facing up to bullies. Thats exactly the way it is.
And we were always taught in school that you stand up to bullies.
This has an extra dimension because when we face our mothers, we do feel like a small, helpless child again. And all the anger of that child who couldn`t do anything is still inside us. So its really scary.

Thanks Sakura

Everything was fine until I started to wonder, if they get old or ill, what do we do?

Oh dear, i wish I could have an operation to remove love for people who don't deserve it!

hugs

Hannah

Though I should point out that I am still writing the letters!

The rest will have to sort itself out!

Hugs

Hannah

Hannah, I used to worry about the old/ill question too. If your mother is anything like mine, she will also have given it some thought, and will have an idea in her head.
If she doesnt love you, this may not actually include you. If she does, then she will have reached the wall, of realising that she has to come half way to meet you, to maintain the relationship.

I discovered that my parents plan for the future simply didnt include me, which was a bit of a shock when I first realised it.

What you are doing in trying to bring stuff out into the open, is not at all easy, especially if you are coping with it on your own. Give yourself a big pat on the back for courage!

hannah11, I havn't read all this thread, but wanted to say my thoughts are with you, I think you are incredibly brave. I took the cowards way out and moved abroad and still pretend everything is a bowl of cherries by phone. My thoughts are truely with you.

Nightynight - thank you and I am sorry for all you have been through - I think that my internal decision is that really if she wanted me to look after her in her old age, she should have thought of that when she was doing what she did. Again I have to be careful not to blame myself.

Sibble - believe me we are more similar than you realise - I have moved countries several times (but of course you never get away from it: I moved to my latest country a year ago, which means of course that I have isolated myself - again ) and still pretend that I am just busy and that everything is, "of course", fine. Another realisation is that everything I do now seems to be a reaction to what happened and to them - so really they have me on a string, I could be living on the moon and they would still control me, because I am making so many decisions on the basis of what has happened.

I think everyone has a different time scale on these things - I just think that the last week of doing nothing much but crying pushed me to make a decision for the sake of the future. If you decide you need to confront them you know that there will always be support, on here, and elsewhere. I am not saying I am brave enough to go through with it - it took me months of fretting to put this up on a public forum!

Hugs

Hannah

_: feel so sad and worthless

take a look at this thread too,you''l be amazed how many people are in similar situations.

ah hell,what have I done wrong!!

Thanks Ash6605: not sure what wrong with the link though

It's not the link that's the problem,it's the person trying to do it!!

Anyway,hopefully you got my gist and have found the thread i'm on!!