infidelity

[elifay]

Hello! I am new to mumsnet and i apologize in advance, my english is not always perfect because my mother tongue is french...I'm from Canada

This said, a little bit about me

I'm a young mom in her twenties, I have 2 kids (my son will be 3 in august and my daughter is 15 months) I've been with my husband for 5 years and we've been married for 2 years and a half. A couple of months ago, my husband went out of town for a seminar for work for two days...He met a girl (I say girl, not women she's 20...)and after drinking much too much, they slept togheter...she is working for the same company as him, but in another part of the province..,They exchanged emails for more than 1 month and half and I knew something was wrong because I did not regognize my husband anymore...he was distant, impatient, unfocused what he had to do...it was hell until one day, I discovered a MSN conversation he did'nt close properly...It was a girl a new nothing at all, sending him kisses...I knew right away something was wrong...I confronted my husband and he didn't admit, saying I was foolish to think such things...a couple of days later, another email, this time, with clear evidence of wath happened...I confronted him again and he broke down in tears and admited every thing...I have chosen to forgive, not because of my kids or because I have no dignity, but beacause I am convinced this was a mistake and I love this man very much...I am willing to give him a second chance...One day at a time, I was starting to feel better...in an odd way, this incident draw us closer...we worked on our relationship as a team, taking more time for ourselves, something we hadn't done for a long time with two babies...Then, a couple of days ago, my husband came home looking depressed and told me there was a job opening at his office and that she applied for the job and was hired!!! She was going to work with him! I felt like a ton of bricks fell on my head.I know she is doing that because she wants to get closer to him because since all this happened, she will not let go, writing as many as 10 emails a day...I don't know what to do...I would have a chance to confront her in person, but I'm not sure what I would say...I already talked to her on the phone when I found out what had happened at the seminar, telling her very politely to back off, but obviously, she doesn't care...she is single, no kids, no husband...What should I do?

Hello elifay

you may not get many replies because the majority of mumsnetters are in the UK and it is half past one in the morning here! Try and bump up your thread tomorrow when it is day here - just post a full stop or something and it will go to the top of the active conversations lists again.

For myself, I would say that there isn't very much you can do - except to explain to your husband that your forgiveness isn't going to be an endless resource. Really the next events are up to him - how he responds to her being at his office. Next you will react to his response. I feel you notice his behaviour, trust your intuition - you seem very aware of him. If he slips up again don't be so forgiving - there is a danger you will turn yourself into a doormat and you may find you are enabling him to continue his deceitful behaviour.

I am wondering why you 'politely' told her to back off. Why on earth should she deserve your politeness? Are you being this polite to your husband? There is a time for politeness and this isn't it. You want your very valid anger and pain to be understood and being polite isn't going to get that for you.

sorry I am off to bed now but will check in the morning to see if you have posted.

Bonsoir Elifay. I'm in the US and have gone through a similar situation with my H. I would tell your H that unless he resolves the situation you will contact the bosses and tell them exactly what she's upto. I can imagine how you're feeling - it's like the bottom of your world falls out and you're freefalling in space. Take comfort that you really are not alone and there are more of us who have gone through a very similar situation. Je peux aussi en francais ecrire mais ca fait longtemps depuis j'etais etudiante. Je crois que tu dois faire ce qu'il faut meme parler avec les chefs du bureau si tu voudrais rester avec ton mari. Bonne chance. Je suis toujours ici cette periode de la soiree.

thanks for your encouragements and kind words...Alipiggie, thanks for your kind words in french...very much appreciated :O
To answer anorak, I am a very polite person by nature, this was just the way I was raised and I sometime wish I wasn't like that...but I wasn't so polite with my husband thought when I found out...I was hysterical...but you have a good point, she doesn't deserve my politeness...I know for sure she has to go to my husband's office friday afternoon to pick up stuff, since she is begin to work there in a week or two...I'm usually down town near his work place on fridays, since I only work four days a week and it's common that I drop by and say hello and talk a bit with the ladies that work with my husband since we all know each other...but I'm wondering how i would react if I had her in front of me...and what I would say...

morning elifay, so sorry to read your post. I can totally empathise, as I found out my husband was having an affair with a work colleague in March. she changed jobs 2 weeks before i found out, so is now in a different company. It would surely be hell if she was still in the same office, or in your case actively moving to his office

The things that stand out about your post, so just random thoughts are:-

it's good he came and told you she had applied to work there rather than keep it secret or try to hide it.

has he let you see the emails she sent?

Do you believe it's over and that he wants no more to do with her?

I have never had the opportunity to confront my husband's ow. I don't know what I'd say if I did. What worries me about your dh''s ow is that she seems to be a brazen bunny boiler. If you did see her in the office tho I think you would have to say something, otherwise it will give her the message that you're weak or scared of her, or even prepared to tolerate her and her behaviour.

Regarding working there, I honestly don't see it as being an option, either he has to change jobs, or she mustn't start there in the first place. So you need to talk with dh and ask if he's prepared to either leave or speak to HR and cancel the move.

Horrid horrid situation. CAT me if you want. You can write in French if you wish (to CAT), on here English obv. better as you have a million wiser mumsnetters out there to give advice

Elifay, you are friends with the other women in your husbands office, surely if they knew of the affair and that he was trying to put it behind him with your knowledge they would be supportive of you. They may make it quite uncomfortable for this woman to work there. I would tell them of your worries and let nature take it's course, I doubt she would continue persuing him if everyone in the office was aware of the situation.

I do not see how you will be able to tolerate this, either she has to not work there or he has to leave, if she is emailing that much , obviously she will not ignore your husband, will he be able to withstand seeing her all the time and pressure to be with her? and how will you be able to relax when he is late home and things like that? you would always be wondering if they are together. don't let this happen either he should leave or he should tell hr why the woman wants to work there and that it will cause problems. there is no way you can be expected to put up with this

Elifay - is it possible that your DH could speak to his bosses about harrasment from this woman? I think that in the UK employers have a duty of care to all and if an individual is being harrassed by another employee then they have to take action (verbal warnings etc..) If your DH is serious about making this work with you then I suggest you ask him to speak to either a) his boss or b) the personnel/HR department and make them aware of the possible difficult situation. Hope this helps and good luck.

Sympathies hon my DH OW is bunny boiler extreme it makes it v hard as you know they gave into their advances once before and wonder how strong they can be - I would give him a ultimatum it took me a long time to do this but seems to have worked for now ??? How important is his job to him??

I think you should go to the office as planned and ask for the other women to casually introduce you and then you say in a loud voice "Oh yes we know eachother, you slept with my husband and now you won't back off even though he wants nothing more to do with you. Why is that when you know that he has a wife and children?" and smile sweetly to her.

She is not going to have a pleasant stay at that office.

Alternatively, I think you can actually tell the HR department and ask for her to be transferred again.

Go in the office and smack her one - honestly regret not smacking my DH OW when I had the opportunity (and I am not violent don't think i have ever hit any one good think prob would have broken my hand and got arrested)

Personally, I think you should confront her, and let her know that her life will be hell while she works in that office. She should be afraid of what you will do if she harasses your husband, not trying to get near him. I think your husband should also make it crystal clear to her that any contact, e-mails etc, from her will be considered as harrassment, and will be reported. Don't allow her to call the shots.

Agree with maisemor - she should be the one who is embrassed not you.

Is there anyone in the office who you canmention this too so they are on your side when you do this?

Hope it works out OK and as someone else said at least he told you, I think that counts for something.

Bear in mind that, while companies have a duty of care to employees to the extent that, if someone is stalking/harassing another employee they must take action, this works both ways.
If your husband's company were to refuse this woman a job on the grounds that she had sex with your husband, or fire her, or allow other staff to bully her on these grounds, then the company would be breaking the law with regard to its duty of care to this woman as an employee.

And if you do go to the workplace and physically assault her, you will be arrested, charged and probably convicted. Having sex with a consenting adult who happens to be in an existing relationship is not against the law.

"And if you do go to the workplace and physically assault her, you will be arrested, charged and probably convicted"
But it will be worth it

I wouldn't hit her. Macdoodle I have hit the ow and given her a peice of my mind and the second was the best

I cant see 'smacking anyone' is a solution, but oculd well push him away!

A few points: 1. your DH is a grown man and shoudl be able to resist her if he chooses

2. He told you himself thats gereat, a huge bonus for the trust resuilding i think

yes the company ahs a duty of care to both workers as madamez says, however thats doesnt eman she can stalk him- if her behaviour continues he has a perfect right to complain and see it acted upon.

Its the working together issue that is hard- if it were me I wouldn't be able to accept it, and tbh if the situation were I'd had the affair i would be rpepared to accept a job change as the natural trade off for rebuilding my marriage. It might take time though.

oh and

which is probably gibberish as I used babelfish but should read LOL

I think it's up to your dh to deal with this.

He should make it clear that any more emails/calls etc will be reported to HR and he wants absolutely no contact unless it's business related.

I would make sure you 'bump' into her one Friday when you are at his office and just make it very clear that you will not tolerate her chasing your husband any longer, and if she continues to do this you will make sure everyone in the office knows what she is doing.

Obviously it's your dh's fault for sleeping with her in the first place (something he presumably doesn't want the rest of the office to know!), but if he's made it clear, and she continues to chase a married man with children, then I'd have no hesitation in telling everyone just what she's like...

Good luck. Awful situation for you.

elifay- so sorry to here you have come to MN for the first time with such a burdon.

I was similar about 3 1/2 years ago- my dh had an affair with a work colleague who woudn't back off when he finally came to his senses and tried to stop all contact with her. It's hard enough tyring to make sense of what he did let alone dealing with the thought she'll be in his life daily.

If your dh is truely sorry and wants to make things work he'll go out of his way to make you a part of what's happening now- he's probably very scared that he'll loose you because she's trying to get into his life again. However this situation can bring you closer together- it did with us- we had to work together to get the message home to HER and my dh (once he'd finally turned the corner) let me know everything she did and we "planned" together how we'd deal with the situation.

I went to see her face to face- like you even though I was fuming inside - I remained civil- I simply told her about us, what we shared our history, how he was when our children were born, how we got together etc etc I made her see us as a couple and made it clear she was not going to come between us any more than she had. He moved to a new work place, she tracked him down- started posting letters to him and emails under different names so he'd open them- she even turned up at his work. I got to the point where I was considering legal action- I didn't have to go that far . I decided if she wouldn't butt out of my life I'd butt into hers- so I went to see her family (she was married) and her dh I was civil with them but told them the truth. My dh and I also resolved we'd contact her dh and her father (whom she was very close to) every time she tried to "get at him again" - it did eventually work and in a strange way it helped us heal- we worked as a couple on it on this threat to our family (i know he caused it but at the end WE made it go away together)

3+ years on we are tsronger and closer- he still dreads her appearing in his life again and we've discussed what we'd do if she did.

If it's not possible for your dh to work elsewhere then he must devise a strategy with you as to how he'll deal with her.I would also suggest if he can he confides in a superior at work- then if abything starts if she tries to make it difficult for him someone is watching his back.

As long as he remains open and keeps talking to you , you will survive this and in doing so you will get closer.If he's going to stray he'll do that if she's in the next office or next county! It's a huge leap of faith for you but as you know you have to try to start trusting again.
By the way please make it clear to him that if he keeps things about her from you this will not "protect you" it will only make a barrier in your relationship and prevent any chance of trust coming back.

Good luck honey- oh and your English is excellent! I understood the French written but no way could I write as well as that! Take care.x

Peachy: I did in fact agree that the OP's husband has a right to be protected from stalking and harassment - and if the woman referred to is stalking and harassing him, it would be worthwhile for him to mention it to HR at the company. But, and no disrespect to the OP, we don't actually have the full picture here. It may be that the woman has got a job at the office because the industry she works in is a small one and the job is an excellent career opportunity for her. What worries me is the way some posters seem to be endorsing vigilante action against the woman. Bearing in mind that if the company withdraw their employment offer, or fire her, or allow other staff to bully her, because of an 'alleged' affair (remember that from the workplace point of view it is one person's word against another that any such affair took place) she could have a good case for legal action.

Hi

I too am in a similar situation - OW still works with H. It is difficult but remember he has choosen you. You have nothing to be ashamed of - you can hold your head up high and walk into the office anytime. You can choose to say or do something if you wish. Hold onto that thought - you can change your mind if you wish and no-one should think anything less of you.

Today you may feel like smashing her one - but then you hate yourself for feeling like that too. But its ok these are real feelings.

I found just writing down what i would say and do really helped - i then torn them up and threw them away.

Remember you now have the upper hand to decide what YOU want. Your H should be scared that you will not want HIM now not the other way around.

If she has followed him - how insecure she must be at the moment, she has had the upper hand but now you have it (even if you dont feel strong enough use it at the moment).

Take care and remember you are not alone - you can CAT me too if you wish.

Another thought - I would definitely get him to tell his superior so that it is on record of what is happening. What if she really is a bunny boiler and after realising that he is not going to go to her she decides to make things difficult for him at work - at least if he's told someone at work that there is a potential problem it will make it easier to believe him if she does something.

Did any of that make sense!!!

good point quint. Never thought of that but I think he should do something like that to protect himself, just in case she turns nasty and starts making things up just to hurt him...

Your husband needs to change his email address and telephone numbers and that way the OW can not contact him out of work hours.

Your husband should do the right thing and get another job. That's the only situation I would personally accept.