infidelity

[elifay]

Hello! I am new to mumsnet and i apologize in advance, my english is not always perfect because my mother tongue is french...I'm from Canada

This said, a little bit about me

I'm a young mom in her twenties, I have 2 kids (my son will be 3 in august and my daughter is 15 months) I've been with my husband for 5 years and we've been married for 2 years and a half. A couple of months ago, my husband went out of town for a seminar for work for two days...He met a girl (I say girl, not women she's 20...)and after drinking much too much, they slept togheter...she is working for the same company as him, but in another part of the province..,They exchanged emails for more than 1 month and half and I knew something was wrong because I did not regognize my husband anymore...he was distant, impatient, unfocused what he had to do...it was hell until one day, I discovered a MSN conversation he did'nt close properly...It was a girl a new nothing at all, sending him kisses...I knew right away something was wrong...I confronted my husband and he didn't admit, saying I was foolish to think such things...a couple of days later, another email, this time, with clear evidence of wath happened...I confronted him again and he broke down in tears and admited every thing...I have chosen to forgive, not because of my kids or because I have no dignity, but beacause I am convinced this was a mistake and I love this man very much...I am willing to give him a second chance...One day at a time, I was starting to feel better...in an odd way, this incident draw us closer...we worked on our relationship as a team, taking more time for ourselves, something we hadn't done for a long time with two babies...Then, a couple of days ago, my husband came home looking depressed and told me there was a job opening at his office and that she applied for the job and was hired!!! She was going to work with him! I felt like a ton of bricks fell on my head.I know she is doing that because she wants to get closer to him because since all this happened, she will not let go, writing as many as 10 emails a day...I don't know what to do...I would have a chance to confront her in person, but I'm not sure what I would say...I already talked to her on the phone when I found out what had happened at the seminar, telling her very politely to back off, but obviously, she doesn't care...she is single, no kids, no husband...What should I do?

Him getting another job may not be the answer, is that not just running away? My H now works with OW. I do find it hard and some days i feel that maybe i should have been firmer and said that the only way we could work it out is to leave his job.

Mine has said he would but surely it is about the trust not just this other woman. He could do it again somewhere else if that what he wants.

I think you both need to face up to it and DO let someone at work know in case there is trouble. If the other woman is following him to make trouble people will soon see this. Why would she want to work with him anyway if he has treated her badly?

I would warn though - dont believe everything he is saying at the moment however much you want to. For some reason men find it very difficult to end it - even if they want to and want their marriage to work.

Also - this is not a game - you have a right to ask her what her intentions are, i would let her know that you know what has gone on and that you are not ashamed to let others know. Infidelity is so common it really wont surprise people and i think you will find a lot of support. You are strong if you want to make it work and she will be afraid of that.

Hope this helps

Its down to negotiation and of course, trust. I'm just saying what i would personally be able to put up with. If my husband seriously wanted to make things right between us, I would ask that he look for another job a.s.a.p, as a goodwill gesture. Yes, of course - he could start an affair with your nextdoor neighbour. But at the moment you are dealing with what has already ahppened: the reality. He slept with his colleague, they now share a sexual (and possibly romantic) history - and I just think its unrealistic to think they can go back to being perfectly normal, platonic colleagues (even if they can - won't she just be a constant reminder hanging over your husband?). You and your husband have no sway over what this woman does - you can only control your own lives. I would hope and to be honest, expect, that my husband would make this move for the sake of our future (if I were in your shoes). It really does strike me as the easiest and smartest move all round.

I don't think we should assume that getting another job is neccesarily the answer, because it might take some time, or indeed cause additional stress to elifay and her family (I'm sure they won't want to be moving with two little ones). Work place affairs do happen (not just with married people) and they do get worked out in general (I can think of a few episodes in my own office which ended in tears, but both people lived to tell the tale). It might be useful for elifay's dh to tell someone - not sure his immediate boss is the best person though (it doesn't exactly show good judgement does it - many work places look very dimly on that sort of thing) perhaps someone in HR would be a better bet. It's highly unlikely anything can be done to stop her moving to his office if she has been given the job. So it's up to elifay's dh to sort it out and manage the situation so that the OW understands it is over. I would keep on with the politeness, in my view it is always best to behave in the best way you can, so that you never feel bad about the way you behave (always nice to have the moral high ground!). My dh had an affair with his partner, and I had to cope with the fact that they worked together (although not physically, as she lives in Canada and we live in the UK). Now five years later it seems like old news, and I think of her as an ex. Not someone I like at all, but no threat. Having said that we are only just putting things back together again, and that time included two years living in different houses. Our approach was to talk about it, nuts and bolts and all, and whilst that was painful I think it is the only way to go.

I'm not saying your DH leaving his job will make everything better. I'm just saying what I personally would expect as a goodwill gesture towards me.

It is great if you know where the line in the sand is. I too would have probably given very similar advice.

We have thought long and hard about him getting another job, relocating ect. But there has been so much upheaval because of this already I just want no more change for a while at least.

Of course the OW could still follow him into another job if that is what she is doing anyway. What then - another move. If she has done this to be close by then she will still find a way of being a constant reminder. If he loves and is good at his job why risk this too? At least it will give him something to do!!!

The constant reminder could be a problem, but equally could serve to remind him everyday what it is he wants now, and how foolish he has been. If it is you he wants she could camp on the doorstep and it would make any difference to your feelings. She is not worth worrying about once you believe she is 'out' of his life in the way you want you will be able to go forward.

The main thing to remember now is - do you both want to really make a go of it?
He may be saying so at the moment becasue it is seen to be the 'right' thing to do.

Looking at my own situation and reading posts of others i believe it is a reaction to say he is sorry and wants to make a go of it. Also i think that as women we want to 'fix' the relationship and 'win'. That is what i mean by a game. you both need to KNOW what it is you want and this may take some time.

The only person to worry about at the moment is you. Give yourself time to cry, scream, rant, think and ask questions. You will be on a rollercoaster for some time yet - but slowly you will start to 'feel' again.

Take care and look after yourself

Absolutely agree with hurtwife. Do make sure you look after yourself. I remember that even though I was very angry with dh and very upset (the year or so of his affair was horrible for me) I also wanted to "make it right for him" - and part of the reason he was upset was because his OW dropped him as soon as she found out I knew, so his fantasy was shattered (in my opinion, and from talking to others here whose partners have wanted to make a go of their marriage after an affair this sort of episode is often very fantasy orientated - ie escaping from real life for a bit). I found that my emotions were all over the place, and took a good long time to settle down again. Also that although it is great you and your dh are closer, many things may come out into the open as to why your relationship "allowed" an affair to happen (for us things like having two children very close together, and the resulting changes to our relationship, poor communication, hurt etc). Some of those things may be painful, so do make sure you have a good support network around you (friends family and mumsnet is great too). I do wish you well, and hope that you weather this storm and your relationship is strengthened by how you manage it together.

Thanks for all your good advice...It took me a long time to answer, I 'm quite busy these days, I try to avoid sitting at home, thinking about this mess...I find it just makes things worst...It helps me to read your comments and stories...I find you feel very lonely in a situation like this and it feels good to know I am not alone...My husband and I have been talking a lot about the affair over the last few days.Now, more than ever, he is facing the consequences of his acts because this women is not letting go and he has to deal with the fact that she is going to be transferred real soon now...I have seen progress in the way he deals with all this towards me...He tells me she writes to him (all sorts of things...mostly about how she is sure she can seduce him again...) I know for a fact (I have acces to his email) that he is not writing back... Two of his co-workers, who we trust, now know the entire story and are aware of the situation, wich might help if things get bad (read: if she gets more crazy...!)My husband did discuss leaving his job yesterday, but I feel that we should not have to change our life because of all this...We are young, I studied to be a teacher, but have no permanent position and before all this happened, was working on starting my own little business with my sister (teaching kids in public schools is basically a nigthmare around here...I don't know what it's like in the UK, but anyway..that another debate )We cannot afford for him to be unemployed, this will only be additional stress I REALLY don't want to deal with right now...My husband is a journalist for a big media company that owns a majority of all the radio stations in our province...the only way he could get another job in his field is if he would get transferred or if he would leave for the competitors, wich I'm not sure he could do, because of a clause in his contract...Being tranfered would mean moving...I really don't think I want to do this...we bought our house not even a year ago,we've been renovating ever since, we are love our town, we are very involved in our community, my sis lives across the street and his family all live in our neighbohood, (wich makes it very convenient when we need hepl with the babies...:O) Tomorrow is the day I might have a chance to confront her...for those of you who worried I would smack her...won't happen... rest assured...I will tell you how it went...Thank you all for answering...
It even gave me a chance to learn new words...I had absolutely no idea what a bunny boiler was, had to search for it on the internet...I had a good laugh when I found out and shared the expression with my sister...And just to be sure, DH stands for darling husband, OW for other woman...right? what's HR?
Take care...

hr = human resources, dept in company dealing with employees' salary, training, personal matters etc

thanks ernest!

good luck tomorrow - remeber no matter what she says, he chose you and wants his lufe and future with you. her acting in this crazy way will not make him go back to her and you have niothing to be embarrassed about.

Hello everyone!
Just wanted to let you know what happened Friday when I dropped by my husband's office and OW was there to sign some papers of whatever...
My hubbie looked a little bit freaked out when he saw me so right away, I new she was there...she was in a different room, so I waited a while talked a bit with everyone and when I went back to my husband's desk, she was sitting there...The office is kind of an open space, with only movable division, so everyone can see and hear what's going on...She lifted her head up, but I'm not sure she regognized me right away, even though there's a picture of my on the desk...anyway, here's what I said (I'm translating this the best I can from french and I'll do my best to get the true meaning of what I said even if some french expression just cannot be translated) «Oh, so you're the girl who thinks she can turn on my husband in only 10 minutes? How long have you been here today, 'cause I just saw him and he looks perfectly calm to me?» (She just smiled in a stupid, stupid embarassed way) I went on: «Just wanted to tell you in person to STOP writting emails, stop trying to seduce my husband...I've told you on the phone already, by email, but you just do not seem to get it...» (looked freaked out because she now looked stupid in front of her soon to be new colleagues and she said (begging): «I'ts ok, I understand, if you want to talk we'll go outside but please, not here») I replied: «I don't care where or when you would prefer to talk with me, you slept with a married men, now face the consequences...I don,t want you around my husband and by the way, you'll have to get used to working with my picture on the desk 'cause I don't want you touching his things either...» I finished by saying: «Look at me, do I look like omeone that would put up with more of this shit? (sorry for the word) To wich she answered »no» I then said «good», smiled, and left her standing there...I didn,t scream, acted hysterical or called her names...I was just calm and spoke loud enough for people around to hear...
I am pretty sure she has never been so embarassed in her life.
My husband was in shock, but I told him to get over it.
Later that evening, I started to feel bad because, honestly, I'm not the type to be mean to people and even if I could not care less about her feelings, I just felt bad...(I know, it's stupid)...This feeling all went away when DH told me she had sent him a email saying I had acted like an hysterical coocoo head and that what I did was inapropriated and I laked judgement....OH MY GOD...who slept with a married man with to kids and then wouldn't let go? who got tranferes to his office? who's writting suggestive emails? And I lack judgement..HAHA
Anyway, DH got mad, told her off...I hope it's the end of the story...

Thanks for your kindness

Fantastique. Superbe. Felicitations elifay.

Good for you.

Well done- honest and keeping your dignity!

It's quite empowering isn't it? It makes you real and a person not just a figure in her head. I did a similar thing- face to face firm but civil- it felt like I was taking control and it certainly turned the situation- freaked my dh out a bit but like you I kind of said live with it!

She will of course try to paint you as some sort of jealous mad woman but you were there she was there your dh was there and so were witnesses- the truth will out!

WOO HOO! Well done!

Just told my DH and he mentioned one other thing. He hopes you have saved all the emails she has been sending. If you have, you might mention that you have them all and will not fail to forward them to her boss should you find it necessary.

Just a thought.

Well done
Wish I could have done it earlier on. I did telephone on the day and a couple of other times but she just make it out i was mad - it also hadnt finished then. I have since emailed once and showed my H - he now knows that i am not the mad one. She knows who i am and had met me whilst it was going on.
However the next time we meet will be on my terms and i will feel the power then.
Best thing is to stay dignified now though and not get dragged into anything.

It is your H problem now - dont forget he did this too.

Well done girl. Dosen't that feel good.Much better than smacking her one.I hope it all works out for you. Now he has sent her an email back sticking up for you it would now appear you are singing from the same hymn sheet and she can't wiggle in anymore