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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating a serial cheat

49 replies

ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 00:51

Been with my bf for 9 months, he’s 55 and I’m 37. Everything is fantastic, we’ve had an amazing connection from the start, laugh so much together, never argue about anything. It’s all just really easy.

I’ve never been in a relationship that seems this straightforward (and I’ve had a lot of relationships). I’ve never cheated on anyone or to my knowledge been cheated on, but my longest relationship is only 3 years. I’ve never been married.

He’s been married 3 times, and had 2 other longish relationships (his always seem to last 5 years). We are very honest with each other and he’s told me that he’s never been faithful to anyone, generally it’s been one off opportunist drunken mistakes, rather than affairs, if that makes any difference. None of his partners at the time ever found out, except one who he told, so that wasn’t generally the reason why they broke up.

This makes me nervous. He says it’s different with me and he wants to do things differently and be a better person (he is very self aware and genuinely works on improving various areas of his life). I do trust him, we are happy together or apart, I never fret about what he’s up to.

But then there’s the niggling doubt that he’s never managed to be faithful before. It would be a deal breaker for me if he did cheat. I suppose I’m asking can (old) leopards change their spots?

OP posts:
blueangel1 · 28/08/2018 00:53

In my experience people very rarely change.

JenBarber · 28/08/2018 00:55

No.

Walk away.

MissConductUS · 28/08/2018 00:55

Bad news. Run.

Belindabauer · 28/08/2018 00:57

He's cheated on everyone?
No, I wouldnt trust him.

AnduinsGirl · 28/08/2018 01:07

You've got to do what you think is right. Personally I think he will do exactly the same to you - why would he not?
But I'll tell you what - the pain of feeling stupid as fuck when you find out about it merely adds salt into the already painful wounds of being cheated on. You really feel a fucking idiot. And if you're like I was and forgive him, you can expect a lot more of the same...

IllBeAtTheBarIfYouNeedMe · 28/08/2018 01:19

He says it’s different with me and he wants to do things differently

I bet he says that every time.’

I would walk and never look back if I was you.

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 28/08/2018 01:23

It’s up to you when you decide to run for it. It sounds like you’re enjoying the relationship but you’d be an absolute fool to think he’s going to change.
You’ve got doubts now, what will it be like if you move in together and you feel a little suspicious of his behaviour?
The leopard does not change his shorts

DonkeyPlease · 28/08/2018 01:26

Do you have children?
Do you want children with him?

Original poster
ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 01:34

If he did cheat there definitely wouldn’t be a second chance, I have very strong views on infidelity because of stuff from my childhood and I am sure I would never look back if it happened. He’s had the snip and so there’s no danger of us having dc together, I think kids are a big reason why second chances are given but that won’t apply to our situation.

To answer why I think he wouldn’t do it to me...well I don’t know that he wouldn’t and I don’t think he even knows himself as he’s never managed it before (he is very honest as I’ve said!). But he constantly says he’s never been this happy with anyone, never been so attracted to anyone, and this is confirmed all the time through lots of his friends who all say that they’ve never seen him so happy or devoted to anyone (he’s been in this area a long time so knows everyone whereas I am a relative newcomer).

I don’t have doubts based on anything in our relationship, he is is so loving, kind and thoughtful, he’d do anything for me. I suppose it’s just knowing his past, although mine is equally chequered I guess, albeit in different ways. I suppose I have a humanistic belief that we are all good and all capable of becoming better, I certainly have to think that of my own life otherwise I’d have given up years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 01:39

Yes I have children, and he has a grown up daughter (who is also great, we get on like a house on fire). He’s rightfully being quite cautious with my kids but i think he has a good balance of not trying to get over involved whilst still being friendly (he took my youngest to a fete today while I worked and they had a great time). We both like our own space and have no intention of living together in the near future.

OP posts:
fanniboz · 28/08/2018 01:39

My ex was the same, he'd cheated on every partner he'd ever had. At the start he told me he knew he wouldn't cheat on me, he felt differently with me and knew he could never hurt me like that. A month later he said he didn't trust himself to stay faithful to me. I know it would have been a lifetime of looking over my shoulder and not fully trusting him as much as I wanted to. Better to walk away and find someone who can be faithful, it's just so much easier in the long run Thanks

SleepWarrior · 28/08/2018 01:52

He may be genuine in terms of his feelings for you right now, so wouldn't cheat on you under any circumstance right now. All relationships have difficult times though, and he sounds like the sort who wouldn't have the strength of character to tough it out and stay faithful when times are rough and he feels tempted.

He may be a nice chap, and perhaps not a sly, cruel sort of cheat, but that doesn't make him good relationship material either.

Also, I doubt you'd end up knowing if he'd cheated given his cheating history. You'd have those awful niggles but no evidence. That sends you slowly mad.

Personally, I'd walk away I think. Sorry Sad

noego · 28/08/2018 08:17

I've been married 3 times and had LTR's and NEVER been faithful.

HAS got to be the biggest RED FLAG.................EVER

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/08/2018 08:23

What he tells you about how he feels about you may well be true, today. What about in a years time, 2 years time or the 5 year mark? He will cheat, that's who he is, it's only a matter of when and sadly the longer it takes the more you will have invested in the relationship and the more you'll get hurt.

TooTrueToBeGood · 28/08/2018 08:26

The cynic in me also thinks that telling you now is a tactic to make it more likely you'll accept his excuses when the time comes. I couldn't help myself, it was just a drunken ONS, it didn't mean anything, you know this is true because I told you that's what I'm like.

Pinkunicorndog · 28/08/2018 08:44

Sounds like my old manager. Cheated on every partner, sometimes while he, his partner and the mistress were all working together!

Now he's 65 and still cruising round for women in their 30s. Urgh.

RatRolyPoly · 28/08/2018 09:05

People don't have opportunistic one-nighters due to dissatisfaction with their relationships, usually. Their partners may be perfect, sexy, amazing, and they're totally in love with them, but the thing about opportunistic one-nighters is that their partners aren't there. That is literally all it is. Their partners aren't there, and they can get away with it.

Your partner has always gotten away with it.

It doesn't matter how wonderful you are or how much he loves you, if you're not there and he thinks he'll get away with it (i.e. you'll never know) you can bet your bottom dollar he won't pass up the opportunity. Why on earth would he? It obviously isn't something he loses sleep over; that isn't going to change.

Now I'm not one who thinks people can't change, but not all cheating is the same. And given the specifics of your situation I really don't think you stand a chance. Sorry. But perhaps you're okay with that, so long as you never have to know? Because you won't know. None of his girlfriends ever have before you.

RainySeptember · 28/08/2018 09:09

He's telling you to sound you out. Most women would dump him immediately. If you don't, you signal a gullibility that he knows he can work with.

He sounds a bit like me when I start a new diet - 'this ones different, I feel really confident and good about it'. But I soon revert to type, and so will he, he knows it too.

Ihavethepower · 28/08/2018 09:22

In my experience there are a lot of men who say this and the woman thinks 'oh it won't happen to me, this is different'. Then when he cheats he can accurately say 'I did warn you'.

MiniTheMinx · 28/08/2018 09:25

I would appreciate his honesty. I do believe people can change. No point in living if we don't change and evolve. I've done things in my life that I'm now not proud of. Things I will never do again.

RatRolyPoly · 28/08/2018 09:28

Things I will never do again.

Don't you think if it was something he was never going to do again he wouldn't have done it with every single previous partner??

Sommelierrrr · 28/08/2018 09:28

If they are drunken, opportunistic mistakes, what is it about his current behaviour patterns that makes you think this won't happen again?

merville · 28/08/2018 09:34

One off mistakes. Well they weren't one-off and is something really a mistake if you keep doing it.

Agree with others he may also be prepping you.

Also you're in your 30s, couldn't you meet a nice guy closer to your age instead of this aging, cheating lothario.

OydNeverDeclinesGin · 28/08/2018 09:34

He's managing your expectations. You won't be the first woman he's had this conversation with. It allows you to think he's sharing something he's never shared before. Therefore you must be different right?!

Babdoc · 28/08/2018 09:37

Can an old leopard change his spots? Yes of course he can. Sometimes they’ll be herpes blisters, sometimes they’ll be syphilis sores...just depends who he’s cheating with this week.
If you’re happy to risk an STI and being taken for a mug, crack on with this relationship!

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