Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Dating a serial cheat

49 replies

ThatchersCold · 28/08/2018 00:51

Been with my bf for 9 months, he’s 55 and I’m 37. Everything is fantastic, we’ve had an amazing connection from the start, laugh so much together, never argue about anything. It’s all just really easy.

I’ve never been in a relationship that seems this straightforward (and I’ve had a lot of relationships). I’ve never cheated on anyone or to my knowledge been cheated on, but my longest relationship is only 3 years. I’ve never been married.

He’s been married 3 times, and had 2 other longish relationships (his always seem to last 5 years). We are very honest with each other and he’s told me that he’s never been faithful to anyone, generally it’s been one off opportunist drunken mistakes, rather than affairs, if that makes any difference. None of his partners at the time ever found out, except one who he told, so that wasn’t generally the reason why they broke up.

This makes me nervous. He says it’s different with me and he wants to do things differently and be a better person (he is very self aware and genuinely works on improving various areas of his life). I do trust him, we are happy together or apart, I never fret about what he’s up to.

But then there’s the niggling doubt that he’s never managed to be faithful before. It would be a deal breaker for me if he did cheat. I suppose I’m asking can (old) leopards change their spots?

OP posts:

AsleepAllDay · 28/08/2018 09:40

Sounds like he's priming you! I bet he always wants to do it differently but gives in to it - all those women can't have been so bad or driven him to cheat

letsdolunch321 · 28/08/2018 09:41

He must have been testing the water to confess he has cheated in every relationship he has been in.

Do you have MUG written on your head? Seriously, he is taking the piss - pack any shit of his up in to bin bags and leave it out the front garden to collect and get your key back if he has one.

You will never be happy within this relationship, always second guessing what he is doing.

crimsonlake · 28/08/2018 09:46

Answer is basically ' don't date a serial cheater, ' you are asking for trouble, get rid.

Thingsdogetbetter · 28/08/2018 09:46

My first love said all those things. And i believed him although i know of it. Cheated on #1 with #2. #1 dumped him. cheated on #2 with #3. #2 dumped him. Cheated on #3 with me. #3 dumped him. Would never do it to me, I was different. Lol. Cheated on me with #5 and I dumped him. Heard he cheated on #6 with number and #5 dumped him. I think he really believed each time would be different, he just couldn't sustain that for long.

I was simply #4.

Unless he has extensive counselling I would avoid like the charming self deluded plague that he is.

PurpleFlower1983 · 28/08/2018 09:51

Walk away! This is the worst type of cheat. Adapts themself to be the ‘perfect’ boyfriend for you so you feel comfortable and happy and then goes off with someone ‘better’ when they get bored of keeping up the act!

You have been slightly ‘lucky’ as you seem to have come across an honest one meaning you can get out straight away before too much damage is done.

mogratpineapple · 28/08/2018 11:11

So when he cheats on you he will claim that you knew what you were taking on.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 28/08/2018 11:29

The key word is " serial"
There's a reason why he's been married 3 times
A leopard never change his spots
You can do better, and should

stubble · 28/08/2018 11:50

This, oddly, isn’t about you or may of the other women he’s been with. It’s about him - he doesn’t have a barrier to cheating, it’s something that at some level he thinks is ok/worth the risk etc.

Think of it like stealing. Some people will never steal. They have a boundary that says “I don’t take what isn’t mine” and that’s their rule, regardless of the situation they are in. Others don’t have that boundary, and will steal if they get the chance.

This man doesn’t have a cheating boundary. And he’s telling you that, very very clearly.

FinallyHere · 28/08/2018 12:00

says he’s never been this happy with anyone, never been so attracted to anyone, and this is confirmed all the time through lots of his friends who all say that they’ve never seen him so happy or devoted to anyone

generally it’s been one off opportunist drunken mistakes

This would not stack up for me, i would assume that he has just not yet had any opportunities to be unfaithful recently...

stubble · 28/08/2018 12:03

The way he feels about you may be completely genuine. But to use my thief analogy again, lovely guy but terribly light fingered.

stubble · 28/08/2018 12:04

I also wonder whether his relationships follow the famous “idealise-devalue-discard” pattern? You’re in stage 1 at the moment.

Yogagirl123 · 28/08/2018 12:09

Surprised you are asking the question TBH, of course your partner won’t change, you are young OP, don’t wait your time with someone who can’t be faithful, it’s very disrespectful. Run for the hills before you end up upset, for some the grass is always greener.

offside · 28/08/2018 12:13

Run for the hills.

It’s all fun and laughter now because it’s still the honeymoon period, it will no doubt change when the mundanity of real settled life beds in. Do you really want to live a state of paranoia, wondering what he’s up to when he’s out, feeling insecure? And think of the example it would set for your daughter.

I was acquaintances with someone who cheated on every single one of his girlfriends, everyone knew he did, the girlfriends themselves knew and he fed them the same lines - it’s different with you, I’ve never felt like this for anyone, I want to settle down now and have a family blah blah blah the last girlfriend I know of, there was a situation where he was supposed to meet her for a date night, he cried off saying he was ill, when in fact he was shagging another woman in his house. Little did the girlfriend know that she went to his house with some homemade soup for him and left it on the side thinking he was asleep in bed - of course if she had gone upstairs she would’ve seen him for the scum bag he is. He actually boasted about this while still with her. Luckily she escaped.

desperatesux · 28/08/2018 12:19

He married three women, why would he do that if he didn't love them wasn't happy and wasn't "devoted" . Still didn't stop him cheating on him on all of them though
Why would you opt for a serial cheat that is almost 20 years older than you, you can do far far better.
Maybe if you just want something casual but no way this will work out longterm and if you are happy to waste the remainder of your youth on the aging peter pan go ahead. Really think you should re think this or at the very least keep it casual and light so when he does cheat you won't care that much

RainySeptember · 28/08/2018 12:20

He's nearly twenty years older than you and a serial cheat. Not a catch.

user1486956786 · 28/08/2018 12:32

Why on earth would he tell you that ?!

Oddcat · 28/08/2018 13:14

It sounds as if he's proud of cheating ! Genuine question- what makes you think you are different to any of his previous conquests ?

Wolf1826 · 28/08/2018 14:03

Confession time here. I'm a similar age to your boyfriend. I've been married twice and had a 7 year relationship. I cheated in all three. I never had a drunken ONS though, in all three cases it was at the end of the relationship when I should have already ended it long before. I had an issue with ending things, I could go into it all but it's not relevant.

I'm in a relationship now where I'm confident I won't cheat. He knows I always have before.

The reason I'm so sure I won't and my DP believes me is that I've dealt with the root cause of my cheating. Even if our relationship fails (which I'm confident it won't - I've addressed my communication issues too) I'll end it rather than cheat.

This sounds very different to your situation.

ChristmasFluff · 28/08/2018 19:59

He is saying this precisely so that he can appear very honest and make you think you are special - it's a tried and trusted tactic. And also so that when he cheats (and he will cheat), he can say, 'I told you what I was like form the start!'

Just depends how much time you want to waste with him really - do you end it yourself now, or wait for him to cheat 5 years in?

NonaGrey · 28/08/2018 20:20

Think of it this way.

He’s 55 yo. So he’s probably been dating for around 40 years.

Forty years.

And he’s never been faithful.
Never.
Not to any of his wives, not to the Mother of his children.

he is generally self aware and works on improving areas of his life

Yes but in 40 years he’s never, ever been capable of doing this one simple thing: saying “no, it’s wrong”.

So he’s been deceiving and betraying the women in his life for longer than you’ve been alive.

And, by his own admission, generally getting away with it.

I wouldn’t be worrying about whether he’s going to cheat on you, I’d be willing to bet that he already has.

I hope you’ve been protecting your sexual health.

He’s only telling you so that you can’t complain in future when the inevitable happens.

He’s telling you who he is, you need to listen.

MissConductUS · 28/08/2018 20:29

Some men view women as possessions and conveniences, like having a flash car. There's really no emotional attachment, so trading them in for a new one is easy.

That's what you're dealing with here.

Maybellissimo · 28/08/2018 20:42

Walk away. I say this as the daughter of a serial cheat. They can’t change. It’s hard wired into their DNA to do this. I cannot stress enough how crucial it is that you are protecting your sexual health right now. My father was unable to stay faithful to any of his wives and gave my mother genital warts. All after telling her that she was ‘special’ and the one woman who could make him change his ways. Your bf sounds like a charmer. Run.

Funicorn · 28/08/2018 21:36

Look at your age and look at him . He is a cheat and the older the get the less they change, they become more entrenched in their ways and feel deserving of their "happiness" . Really I would move on .

Wallywobbles · 28/08/2018 22:01

My exh has never been faithful. I still struggle to imagine wtf I thought I'd be diffèrent. Of course I wasn't.

We were together for less than 5 years. He was in a relationship with someone else for nearly 3 years. In that time he married me and we had 2 kids. I had no idea.

Flip

1 2