Should I wait for him

[SwordToFlamethrower]

To ask to marry me?
We've discussed it loads and we are both up for it. Been together 4 years and TTC. Don't own, we rent.
Should I just keep waiting or should I ask him?

Can I ask why you’re TTC prior to getting married? Genuine question, not sarky.

My DH didn't ask me. We just sort of agreed on it and went ring shopping, then announced that we were engaged. It's 2018 fgs just tell him you'd like to start looking at dates for the wedding.

Exactly, Just. If I had a tenner for every anguished post I’ve seen on this exact topic in the six years I’ve been on Mn, I’d have a very nice nest egg.

I'm utterly speechless now :/

I had spoken about getting married with my ex. He claimed he wanted to. I told him he needed to propose, but figured we were getting marrried as we had both agreed we wanted to. He didn’t propose and when I finally pushed him on it, he had changed his mind.

Don’t TTc a baby until you are married as saying things is easy, ‘doing’ is what’s important.

Our posts crossed. After I wrote mine I saw you’re a SAHM and already have children.

How did you agree to ttc? You presumably had a discussion about it, especially considering you already have children, and then decided. Getting married is the same. It affects all of you, so you and your partner get an equal say and it warrants an adult discussion.

Are you hung up on a proposal because you and your ex weren’t married?

It’s not the way you decide to marry that has an bearing on the success of your marriage. I promise it’s not. I had a massive full on proposal from my ex and we had an unhappy marriage and an ugly divorce.

When my now DH and I decided to get married we spoke about it, picked a date that might and had our wedding a couple of months later. We’re ridiculously happy and we both like that we were equal parts of such an important decision. Like you, my husband has children, and us getting married was a significant event for all of us.

You’re not a princess. You’re a woman with children and responsibilities and you’re trying to add another child to your family. You really have to be able to talk about these things properly, calmly, together. No need for games or hints, honesty and openness will serve you much better.

Why are you speechless?

No way would I TTC in your position without being married.

I would put that on hold until you get married.

Stop TTC. Tell him marriage is still important to you. You know that after you are pregnant / have small children it will get delayed for various practical reasons so you'd like to get the marriage part done first.

If he makes excuses for why not, or why not now, be wary, very wary and keep the contraception.

I think you are insane to have kids without the legal protection of marriage, especially as you already have some from a previous relationship
Once you have a child with him he has no reason to marry you and every reason not to. He will also know that you will be far slower to walk away with a baby than without one if you don't get a ring.

This is coming from someone who was stupid enough to have three kids prior to marriage and I am in a country which recognizes co habiting relationships and offers them legal protection with children involved
Don't do it, if you are good enough to live with and have kids with you are good enough to marry

Tell him you would like to marry before the baby.
If he says no, then ask him to explain.
If he fudges it. Then says sorry was that a yes or no.

I'm speechless because I'm overwhlwned by the responses. My ex proposed and I said yes but we had an awful relationship before splitting up without marrying.
My mum married 3 times and my dad 4 times so I do have hangups and fears, which I have also discussed with DP. Maybe he actually thinks I don't want to marry.
Thank you all so much for your honest responses. I think part of me doesn't want to spoil any romantic plans he had of asking me in the future.

So you'll just wait in case you spoil his proposal. Smart.

If he started talking about marriage a few weeks in and you’ve now been together for 4 years then he has had plenty of time for a romantic proposal.
You need to discuss it directly.

You are a SAH step parent and financially dependent on someone you’re not married to and ttc.

Unless you have plenty of money of your own, romance should be least of your worries.

Op isn't a sah step parent!

It boils down to whether you want the moment of romantic proposal or the security of marriage, really.

I've seen lots of threads where the woman is waiting, and gets all excited about various holidays and dates that it might happen, and it goes on for years until she's quite bitter about it. Sometimes the bloke tells her she's spoilt opportunities and he was just about to, but then she nagged or something.. This is not necessarily your path, but it does happen.

It's been 4 years. You're TTC. Have a sensible discussion about it.

Op I strongly recommend you just forget the romantic proposal and get it sorted and get hitched. Life's too short

A romantic proposal is unnecessary, the marriage is the important part.

You’ve had 1 DC with an awful person. That’s not ideal. But surely you owe it to yourself, your child and any future children to make sure you and your partner are in it for the long term?

How would you feel if you had a child, then another, no proposal. Then after, say, 4 more years you ask what’s going on and he changed his mind.

Getting married should be a joint decision and waiting for a proposal makes it his alone.

Just ask him. It's 2018 not 1958. Tell him you'd like to get married in October and which weekend suits him best.

I see what you mean. I've asked about it on here because I really can't ask my own parents due to their terrible histories of marriage (I wouldn't trust their advice) and rl friends I don't want to ask really.
So I'm seriously considering things now

Ah sorry, OP is a SAHM, not stepmum, misread!

Still unwise to be financially dependent when unmarried.

OP, why are you being so passive about an important element of legal security for you and your children, in case your partner might have had vague plans to propose at some future point when there’s an eclipse on Valentine’s Day and you happen to be in s hot air balloon over the Eiffel Tower? Did you grow being told ‘Nice girls wait to be asked’ or something?

There's a thread on here, was in the last few days.

Woman was a sahp, before that she helped in her dps business and actually brought in most of the revenue.

Her and Dp have split and she is left with Sweet FA. It's his business, she couldn't afford the house alone, he is self employed so even child maintenance will be difficult to get because he can earn as little as he wants on paper.

Why on earth do people feel they are ready to commit to having a baby, but not marriage AND put themselves in such a bad financial situation.

Well shit.
I just said "it's our anniversary soon, that would be a nice time to elope". I said "elope" very quietly. He turned round and said "pardon?" So I repeated "elope"
He grinned at me for about 5 seconds before jumping on me and snogging my face off.
"Is that a yes?"
"Yeah!"
He's been looking at rings for about a month and did ask me what my ring size was a couple of weeks ago but I didn't twig.
He says he has a plan and can he propose to me properly, but he's currently walking round the house grinning like a loon calling me "mrs"

I have to be honest, I did NOT see this coming 😆