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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I just don't love you anymore??

60 replies

Rachyb87 · 26/08/2018 23:25

Hi everyone. I'm soo new to this but kind of want to share my story...I'm struggling.

So 2 weeks ago out of the blue,my partner of 13 years told me he no longer loves me anymore and basicly over. Absolutely shocked and distraught I begged to work things out,suggested counselling or a break. He accepted the break bit 1 week later said it was over for him and that's that. We have 2 girls together,11 &4,a beautiful home (only rented),he works and pays majority of things and I'm a student.

I just can't accept that he doesn't love me anymore,I don't understand it....there has to be a reason why. He said it's nothing I have done,I'm amazing,he will always love me bla bla bla just not in that way anymore. Everything is a blur at the minute. One min I am getting my head around it and the next it just doesnt seem real and i make up.scenarios in my head of him coming back declaring he's made a mistake when in fact he hasn't said anything that has made me doubt his decision. The pain I feel is unbearable. People keep telling me il get through this and times a healer but I just don't see how when I love him soo much. I feel like my whole world has been tipped up side down. Any advice from a ln impartial party would be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
HereIgoagainxx · 30/08/2018 08:31

I totally understand your betrayal and the feeling of not knowing who he is. You have every right to be angry.

It sounds like he thinks things will just tick along all carefree with little or no hiccups. He sounds quite deluded.

Original poster
Rachyb87 · 30/08/2018 08:33

If I get to stay in the house(if I can afford it) then i will certainly be decorating and changing it up. He still has alot of stuff here,clothes etc. I am boxing everything up at the weekend and plonking it in the garage. He can store it at her place eh.

Iv found abit of releif and positivity from joint this group,I'm glad I have now. It's always good to share with strangers who are not involved in anyway.

I can't wait till he tells his mum n dad. There going to be disgusted in him,there a very close family so it will hurt him...good! I know they are still going to be loyal to him as he's their son and further down the line they will be nice to the new gf but I am their daughter as good as and I know they will have my back 100%before they have hers.

Before I knew of the ow I was willing to be friends with him,I wanted to be friends,not no more,I have no respect for him what so ever and I hate him.

OP posts:
Talith · 30/08/2018 08:41

The honeymoon period for them will most definitely end at some point. In my experience they ship the new bird in to their homes as quickly as they can because they can't bear to be on their own (you don't have a choice). Then as you slowly become accustomed to being single and in charge of your own household the gloss goes from the new relationship, she is leaving her knickers on the floor and farting in her sleep whilst you carry on being you, with the kids in the same way that worked perfectly well for over a decade.

He will look wistfully at his old house, many of the old things you bought together all around, his history - when he comes to collect the kids but things will have changed, and he isn't welcome in it any more. That's unsettling.

Make sure everyone knows about her existence by the way. It's somewhat comforting being on the moral high ground and results in people being extra supportive. And he's made his bed so must lie in it.

Good luck, it is horrible xxx

NadiaLeon · 30/08/2018 08:50

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CaptSkippy · 30/08/2018 08:56

Nadia did you bother to read the thread? He is a cheater and that "suddenly not loving her anymore" line was a bullshit excuse from the start.

Butterfly44 · 30/08/2018 09:04

How dare he say you'll have to meet her as kids will be spending time. No way!!!
You need to see a solicitor and see what the situation is. He can see them on his own, it's too soon. What an arse.
I would tell his parents first. He doesn't get to explain how 'things fell apart', I promise he will try and paint some inadequacies on your part.

Original poster
Rachyb87 · 30/08/2018 09:04

I have accepted it and most certainly will move on.its just hard,never thought he'd be one of those guys.

I don't know how this all works now,obviously I don't want to see him or let him in the house but at the moment he is still paying for everything. We agreed he would take the kids every 2nd weekend and come over twice a week to bath our youngest and do story time and bed. Should I still let him do this?I want her missing out or do I tell him to take them out and bring them back for bed time...no idea what to do for the best.

Yesterday he put a length fb status on saying so after 13 years...iv called it a day,bla bla it was quite lengthy. I think he did that for ow benefit so she knows he's serious and the world knows were over for good so now they can crack on with a clear conscience

OP posts:
beeefcake · 30/08/2018 09:11

What a fucking bastard plastering your personal business over Facebook.

I would be furious at that and ask him for your children's sake to take it down, because it's their business too!!

What is he expecting, people to flock around and offer him sympathy?!

owlface10 · 30/08/2018 09:16

@NadiaLeon Bit insenstive, I keep seeing you saying that on threads on here. People can't move on after 5 minutes when they have that much built together and were in love, obviously in time they will have to move forward but there is a grieving process there.

You must be quite young to think people can just pick themselves up in 5 minutes when someone blindsides them and leaves for someone else?

owlface10 · 30/08/2018 09:19

OP that's really insensitive him putting that on facebook, other people will think he's an idiot too. Who puts that on there, is a teenager?

NadiaLeon · 30/08/2018 09:20

It takes a long time OWL, I agree. However, accepting that OH is lost is the first step in getting over it.
We read on too many threads that the thread OP wonders if she should fight/hold on. That prolongs the agony.

owlface10 · 30/08/2018 09:20

*sorry is he a teenager? I meant. Ridculous.

owlface10 · 30/08/2018 09:21

Well she won't accept it that quickly, it takes a process to get your head around it. It's a grieving process, she's not 15.

NadiaLeon · 30/08/2018 09:26

Agreed OWL. As I just said, it takes a long time.

Robin2323 · 30/08/2018 09:35

Please ask him to take it down for the kids sake.
This is definitely for the ow.
Insecurity in her behalf.
He's got his work cut.
And no he does not come in your house and play happy family.
Every other week end and one evening a week (over night ) tops - and they go to his.

Be pleasant but fair.
Arms length.

Flamingosnbears · 30/08/2018 09:42

That's disgusting 🤢 poor you op, my heart goes out to you Flowers time will heal.

OoohAyyye · 30/08/2018 11:38

OP I am so sorry Flowers

You appear to be feeling strong, and that is amazing. You will have lows but please remind yourself in those moments that you will feel stronger again. The lows will gradually ebb away.

Secondly. I cannot believe he made a fb announcement. Without discussing it with you. Wtf. I would go mental tbh. How dare he make a decision to do that without talking to you first. You, the mother of his children. Honestly, how dare he. How disrespectul.

Sorry for ranting, he is disgusting.

Yankeescot · 30/08/2018 12:04

That FB status update is beyond reprehensible! I'd be very tempted to comment on it about OW. But for children's sake, that wouldn't be fair. He needs to pull that post down. What a shitty shitty thing for him to do! He doesn't get a free pass for his shitty behaviour, but a FB post announcing the break up? The truth will come out, it always does. But that arse doesn't get to take the high road as a wounded party. I'm so angry for you OP. You deserve so much better. x

eve34 · 30/08/2018 12:38

Stay strong.

No you don't have to meet her. Set the president now. Because you will move on some day and he gets no say in who is in your life. What and how he parents when he has the children is up to him. As long as the children are safe.

There is so much I don't like about that contact my children have with ex. But I keep my peace. So further down the line he gets no say in my life.

Block Him on facebook. You don't need to see his life unfold. Anymore than he gets to see your posts.

It is up to you about contact at Home. I couldn't tolerate my ex in the house. It has take. A while bit he now realised he is a guest here and knocks and waiting until I open the door. He no longer lives here so does not get to come and go as if he did.
Do what is right for you. In time it will be less raw and easier to handle. But do what you need to do for you right now.

Original poster
Rachyb87 · 30/08/2018 14:50

What ever happens now I just hope I'm strong enough to not let him walk all over me. Iv always been a push over and often do things for the easy life.

I woke up to a screen shot of the fb post saying this is what I'm going to post do you agree,and before I could hed already done it. I had to tell him to edit it as it sounded like we had come to a mutual decision which certainly wasn't the case. The post got alot of well wishes and people saying it's took balls for him to the end the relationship if it isn't right etc...if only they knew the real reason. I feel like posting my version of events just so everyone knows what he's actually done but at the min that just isn't my style. If people ask in person tho I will not hold back.

At the min he's been walking in when he comes without knocking,he got changed upstairs whilst he was sticking the knife in more. He begged me not to msg her,wonder what he's afraid of. Unsaid I wouldn't coz it like to keep my dignity through all this. I know this this happens all the time you just never expect to happen to you. I'm going to do the right thing and heal properly before I even think about another relationship.

OP posts:
LouHotel · 30/08/2018 15:05

OP you need to get the thinking out of your head that his family will treat you as a daughter. I know its hurtful but if his bit on the side becomes long term she will be the daughter in law not you and they will push you aside for family harmony.

Absolutely crack on with your getting your finances in order and dont hold on to the house for sentiments sake if it's going to cause you financial hardship.

Further down the line if he's relocating an hour away its his responsibility to arrange pickup and drop off for the kids by you.

Be prepared that although crass and not healthy men tend to introduce their new girlfriends to kids quite early. I would say your 11 year old is old enough to hear the truth about her dad.

StormTreader · 30/08/2018 15:12

He doesn't want you to msg her because he'll have told her that the relationship had been dead for years and that you were sleeping in separate bedrooms, etc, etc...

ketchuponpizza · 30/08/2018 15:17

Exactly what @StormTreader wrote.
My friend spoke to the OW and it turned out the affair had been going on years, not a drunken ons as her 'D'H told her!

Talith · 30/08/2018 15:30

Get him out the house and change the locks. He can't swan in and out any more.

Sounds dramatic but that's the first step to sanity. Draw up your boundaries.

When he's got somewhere suitable for the girls to visit then they can go and stay with him. He can't have it both ways.

If there's really no way to avoid him coming in for bedtimes, police it. In to the bedroom out through the front door. All other rooms out of bounds. His stuff out.

Psychologically it's much easier to be practical and deal with things and to put yourself first when you have privacy to do it in.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/08/2018 16:07

"Are all men actually the same or what?"

No they are not. He chose to do this because he also felt entitled to do so and this is all on him. Your man is inherently dishonest and strung you along with regards to being engaged for seven years as well. He by doing that never had any intention of marrying you and he certainly is not the man you thought he was.

I would not rely on his family going forward as they may well side with their son over you.

Do not be a pushover now because he will play hardball with you otherwise and mess with yours and your kids heads further. The websites Chumplady and baggage reclaim will help you as well.

I would also look into formalising all contact arrangements on a legal footing with regards to him and your children. He is financially responsible for his children so I would pursue a maintenance claim with the Child Maintenance service.

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