BF relationship with DM

[IThinkILoveAI]

My boyfriend of a few years has a very close relationship with his mother. I’m mostly fine with this but I sometimes feel like she competes with me for his attention. I don’t dislike her but nor have I ever felt like she has accepted me. We have a cordial but not warm relationship.

We all went on a spa day yesterday and the spa had an outdoor pool with day bed lounger type things which would fit three/four people.

I was in the pool and he was on the day bed snuggling/cuddling with his DM. He is in his 40s.

I thought this was a bit weird but he told me that he loved his mother and anyone who had a problem with his relationship with his mother could ‘fuck off’.

I admit I have a completely different relationship with my mother. We don’t hug or kiss and never have done really. So my views might be a bit skewed. I certainly wouldn’t cuddle my mother whilst lying on a day bed in public, wearing swimwear and a dressing gown.

I’m not sure what I’m asking really. Is this a normal mother/son relationship or is there always going to be another person in our relationship?

He sounds worse the more you write about him.

He has a very dysfunctional, enmeshed and codependent relationship with his mother and you will never mean as much to him as he does to her.

And you are with this person at all because?. What are you getting out of this relationship that is worth it for you?.

In a functional upbringing, a child would be recognized as an individual, and given the space to develop his own sense of self; his own personal identity. The mother would allow the child to set his own boundaries, and she would graciously respect them. She would set her own boundaries, and teach the children the importance of self-sufficiency and independence while offering nurturing encouragement. If the mother is emotionally undeveloped, needy, and incapable of setting and maintaining her own boundaries, the child will grow up playing an unhealthy role. The child will be used to satisfy the emotional needs of the mother. He will grow up believing that his purpose in life is to make sure his mother is happy and okay.

This kind of parenting will inevitably lead to a long-standing and emotionally damaging role reversal. Rather than the other tending to the developmental needs of the child, the child will tend to the unmet emotional needs of the mother. An emotional or physical absence of a father figure often leads to an exacerbation of these relational issues. The mother will rely on her son to fill the emotional (and sometimes physical) void left by the absentee father, and the son will grow up believing that this inappropriate level of emotional intimacy is normal; this is what love looks like. Because separation never occurred during the necessary stage of individual development, to separate later on in life will bring on overwhelming feelings of fear, anxiety, emptiness, rejection, and abandonment. It is much easier to stay trapped in a viciously enmeshed relationship than it is to face all of those negative emotions and begin setting boundaries. At least, the son believes that it is.

Why is he telling me this?

Because he's a knob .

he told me that he loved his mother and anyone who had a problem with his relationship with his mother could ‘fuck off’
Well that's a nice easy 'out' then isn't it.!!??
I'd be fucking off if I was you.
That is not normal.
And he's like a knob-head anyway.

RUN!
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Is he Norman Bates‽

No, this is weird, I’m close to my mum and when she visits me we have to share a bed (my flat is tiny) but we certainly don’t cuddle!

^I’m beginning to think he is actually a bit of an arsehole. He told me that when he goes out with his friends that he spends a large portion of the night eyeing up other women and commenting on their attractiveness.

Why is he telling me this?^

eww. He's softening you up for worse in the future.

No respect, this one. There's better out there.

That's even without thinking about him cuddling his mummy on a day bed....

Rather ask yourself why are you still with him?
Hes waving red flags in your face and you are still with him.

Even if it isn’t odd (I have NC with my mum so I would find it odd) you think it is and if it made you feel that way on one occasion it probably will with other things you will see over time and that’s the main thing to think about because honestly people do have different relationships with their parents but it’s just about what you feel comfortable with. If it isn’t something you could be around without it feeling strange to you maybe have a rethink. I wouldn’t say leave him because of that but the comments aren’t very typical of a man to say to a girl he is seeing. Hope that was helpful x

Unless his name is Norman this is quite unusual.

I'll hug my Mum but a quick hello/goodbye hug, not cuddling. I guess if either of us was very ill we might? Otherwise it seems very relationship-esque but then my husband doesn't hug his Mum at all.

Very very odd. I'm just trying to picture the scene....lovely couple go on a spa day, he brings his mum (bit weird but maybe not that bad), the girlfriend gets left in pool so mum and son can snuggle up together on a lounger. Did they have a couples massage whilst there? I bet you felt like a right gooseberry?

My on/off bf is quite cuddly with his mum, lots of issues has told me he's NPD and my therapist said so too from everything I described
I believe his mother is the one who's set him up on a pedestal and this is why he has narcissistic tendencies
He seems to constantly want to impress his mother since I've known him but then again he's similar with dad
They are a very open, affectionate family (mine are the opposite) but I can't imagine them the two of them cuddling on a spa break !!!!!
What I'm trying to say is mine is definitely weird:has his own issues but yours sounds extremely weird doing this it's just weird !!!

I’m beginning to think he is actually a bit of an arsehole. He told me that when he goes out with his friends that he spends a large portion of the night eyeing up other women and commenting on their attractiveness

Yep, he's an arsehole.

And the cuddling with his Mum thing? Just WEIRD.

The hills are this way! ========>>>>>>>>>

@IThinkILoveAI

The only thing I'm a bit baffled about is you say you've been with him a few years, is this the only time you've seen something that inappropriate?
Do you have children? And do you live together? Is he from a single parent family? How often does he see his mother?

Weirdly, from what you said sounds similar to my dp but not as extreme as cuddling in a public place

We don’t live together and have no children together.

He is generally fine when with me but he has a particular friend who when he goes out with him he seems to turn into a completely different person.

I’ve just told him that he has turned into the creepy old man in the corner of the pub leering at women and this has upset him. I’ve told him if the cap fits he needs to wear it. He reckons I’d be hard pushed to find a man who wouldn’t do the same.

I’m becoming increasingly fed up of his shit.

Why are you with this man at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

Nah he's a fucking weirdo. Not all men are like this at all.

I’ve just told him that he has turned into the creepy old man in the corner of the pub leering at women and this has upset him.

Heh, nice. And accurate. He can hardly complain about being upset :P

Honestly though the mum thing and his reaction to your surprise is really weird. Back away.

He reckons I’d be hard pushed to find a man who wouldn’t do the same.

That’s because all his friends are similar arseholes. In the real world there are plenty of decent respectful men.

He isn’t speaking to me now and is stropping around. Before he went silent he told me I need to get out more and that I have been really mean to him by calling him the perv in the corner.

But what he told me is precisely the type of man my friends and I used to laugh at as proper saddos when we were younger. They thought they were being discreet and had a chance with us when in reality they were old enough to be our dads.

These home truths have not gone down well with him. I’m going to give him a day or so to come out of his huff then discuss things with him. I just never imagined I’d end up tolerating this kind of nonsense for any length of time in a relationship but I have.

@SmellMyBeads

"Bitty"

OP, he sounds like a right pain but I also feel a tiny bit sorry for him as his Mum clearly encourages this behaviour and it's not fair on him. She needs to let go.

I adore my DS (10) and love our cuddles, but I won't be doing it in 30 years, even if I want to.

Run for the hills

Urgh, I would find the mummy thing a pukey to look at . I can't imagine this going away , he has already laid the marker down that anyone with a problem can fuck off. Are you going to give him the chance to tell you fuck off?

What is his relationship history?

He is declaring the boundaries and behaviours that you have to accept in this relationship - they are all off kilter and are red flags. Pay attention.

Wasting your breath with this creepy, arrogant, entitled mummy’s boy. Not worth fighting for - you will achieve nothing.

Better off extracting yourself from this and having some therapy to understand why you are years into a relationship with such a character. What was you upbringing like?

He’s had a few long term relationships but never been near getting married.

He’s never told me he loves me or anythink like that.

*anything