Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I should break up with my boyfriend but I can't because I love him...

29 replies

Jadely98 · 26/08/2018 18:51

A lot of the time the relationship is great! We've made loads of plans together, named future kids, and dogs! Always seems to be very loving.
However I have a lower sex drive than my bf and he makes me feel pressured. Always says i'm unwilling to try anything new and even gets moody and tries to make me feel bad etc and I have tried taking tablets and blame myself etc but nothings gonna change of course because half the time i'm just not interested. I find myself MAKING the time to do it though, as if it's my job at work. For example i'll see what time he's coming home from work and i'll plan to do something so that I can enjoy my evening and have a bath etc whatever because sometimes he starts complaining before bed and I literally can't sleep. I'm not explaining this properly but you get the idea. I feel pressured...
Then he's got issues himself like not having money or not having anything to do and he plays the PS4 and when he gets angry at the game he shouts and punches the bed, then if I ask him to be quiet as we live with my mum and other family he takes it out on me.
Everytime we argue nowadays I just consider leaving. And we did actually walk around for 4 hours+ and considered breaking up, made a plan... But it never happened.
In arguments he calls me names, then tells me HE feels worthless. I've seen quotes on the internet, pics people have made where they say, just leave a toxic relationship because someone will treat you better. But I still see a future with him. But ALSOOO it's like well how the f is anything gonna change if we're not sexually compatible?
I feel like going on Tinder or something and writing that i'm asexual to find someone who won't make me feel pressured. He's my first relationship and it's been almost 3 years. I don't feel happy trying new positions and things and can't feel 'in the mood' because it's all just pressure. I do have fluctuations in hormones and I feel 'in the mood' but it's only for one time. I get that he's frustrated but i'm done with feeling pressured every day.
Plus, i'm really independent and sometimes I just want that back. I don't wanna be alone but then I do all the time!
I have no idea what pushes people to break up with people but I just wish something in my brain would just lose all feelings for him and make it easier for me.
I guess i'm just venting because I just had an argument with him again and now the doubts are back... Idk...
I can't think of anything to say right now but if anyone asks questions i'll answer best I can..

Thanks.
Btw i'm 20.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/08/2018 19:01

You have your whole life ahead of you. At your age I was in a relationship with different issues but a similar lack of good points! I can’t tell you how much better my life was when it was over. He cheated on me which felt fucking awful at the time but at least I was free. It’s often only when you walk away you see with clarity just how dysfunctional and unhappy the relationship was.

There are so so many things that jump out as being genuinely awful about his behaviour. Take my word for it that you are better than this and you deserve so much more. You deserve kindness, consideration, respect. No one deserves to be bullied into sex they don’t want, to put up with childish rants (least of all about fucking computer games?!), insults or cruelty.

Love is a funny one isn’t it. The words are easy but living it, love as sn action you do and experience every day is completely different.

You’re young, you sound bright, you have a wonderful future ahead of you and you need a partner who adores and cherishes you by your side. This guy is not that person OP.

Imagine yourself in 12 months, 5 years. He’s not pulling his weight now, what sort of dad could he possibly be?

Change is always scary but you need to walk away (kick him out), focus on yourself, enjoy being single and build up your self esteem so if/when you meet someone else you’ll know what to look for.

DonkeyPlease · 26/08/2018 19:05

You can love literally anyone. Love is actually a fairly cheap thing.

What's difficult is finding someone who is worthy of your love specifically, and with whom you fit so well that everything seems easy.

This guy is just a guy. Youve spent enough time with him that you're attached to him (aka you love him). That's all. He ain't that special, in fact he sounds fucking dreadful.

Attachment feelings go away if you end things and stop contact.

Loving someone isn't nearly a good enough reason to be in a relationship with them. Sorry. Please understand that it's common for women to be taught absolute bullshit about how "love conquers all" and "follow your heart" etc, we all get fed that nonsense and I'm here to tell you the good news - it's not true. You can walk away. You'll be fine. There will be so many other options in future.

The feelings of sadness you'll feel when you walk away will hurt, that's because you're attached. They're temporary feelings and they aren't a sign that you should carry on with the relationship x

category12 · 26/08/2018 19:09

You might love him, but that doesn't mean you should persist in the relationship. Love isn't enough. You're not compatible, you're not happy. Do you really want to spend the next thirty years feeling like this, the next three, even?

You're 20, you have so much time to find the right person - he's not it.

Furx · 26/08/2018 19:10

Please understand that it's common for women to be taught absolute bullshit about how "love conquers all" and "follow your heart" etc, we all get fed that nonsense and I'm here to tell you the good news - it's not true. You can walk away. You'll be fine. There will be so many other options in future

This. With bells on.

There’s so much bullshit about love. He’s just a person. An unpleasant one at that.

category12 · 26/08/2018 19:10

Donkeyplease has it right.

mantlepiece · 26/08/2018 19:17

FROm what you have said you will break up, it’s just a question of when.
Often people stay in bad relationships because they fear change, also fear of the unknown.

I think you think you love him, but you will never know what a good relationship can be like if you don’t get rid. You are preventing yourself being open to a true partnership, with someone kind and loving by staying in this unhappy situation.

FaithEverPresent · 26/08/2018 19:18

The future you envisage won’t happen. There are so many red flags in your post, this is early on in your relationship. He’s already blaming you for things. You feel pressured. He’s punching inanimate objects. This behaviour will deteriorate in time until everything is your fault. You could well be receiving the punches. Get out now. You deserve so much more than this!

Original poster
Jadely98 · 26/08/2018 19:54

I feel as though I do just want to 'kick him out' however he has nowehre to go. He's 19 and only just started working at a job so he's got no savings.

The thing is I think this way, and then I also get upset about the thought of telling him to leave because I have to delete feelings, memories.. and admit that it isn't working out.

This is my first relationship and although I completely agree with ALL comments, it's harder than it actually is.
If he had somewhere he could go tonight I feel like I could break it off over text or something and then be done with it. But it's so hard. I'm actually so upset right now and idk what to do. I still see a future with him.

OP posts:
HurricaneHalle · 26/08/2018 20:03

Being pressured for intimacy regularly is not on.

HurricaneHalle · 26/08/2018 20:03

Being pressured at all. Full stop.

category12 · 26/08/2018 20:04

Can't he move back to his parents or something?

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 20:09

He's not a child, he's a grown-up, fully sexual and demanding piece of unpleasantness. And he's making your life a misery. He's not your responsibility so get rid NOW before you get pregnant, because then your life will get a whole lot more difficult!

ocelot41 · 26/08/2018 20:15

Sweetheart, ruuuuuuuun! This man is not a prize. He does not respect your boundaries. You are smart and realise this. You can do so much better. SO.MUCH. BETTER.

Original poster
Jadely98 · 26/08/2018 20:16

His dad is in England and he has a good job here, finally. And his mum is verbally and often physically abusive and they don't really get on. And she also lives in a cramped house share with a box room that barely fits a bed...

I'm really frustrated right now because I know what the right thing to do is but I JUST CANT do it. Idk what to do anymore but I can't put up with this. He has nowhere to f-ing go and i'm not heartless

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2018 20:21

He can sofa surf for a few weeks, he can get a house-share or a bedsit, he can do all sorts of things. You can't stay in a relationship because of that.

MaryandMichael · 26/08/2018 20:29

I ask him to be quiet as we live with my mum and other family
Under those circumstances, very few people would feel like being sexually enthusiastic and experimental. Really. Don't write yourself off sexually until you have a nice partner and some privacy. If you're asexual, that's fine, too.

Kick him out, he can go back to his mum. His arrangements are not your problem or responsibility. He is an abusive partner, you aren't obliged to have him living with you and your family.

You know that 'heart' you have that prevents you from throwing him out? He's a trespasser in it. It belongs to you and you might want to try turning your attention to yourself. Your love, your responsibility, is to that 20 year old woman. She's sensible and impressive and she can do anything she wants.

category12 · 26/08/2018 20:30

www.spareroom.co.uk/flatshare-house-share/uk/ He has a job. He has options.

Coyoacan · 26/08/2018 20:31

Have you thought of talking to your family about this? They have been kind enough to let him live with you, but why should they support him now?

FinallyHere · 26/08/2018 20:34

What's difficult is finding someone who is worthy of your love specifically, and with whom you fit so well that everything seems easy.

@DonkeyPlease ^ this

CaMePlaitPas · 26/08/2018 20:44

God this is so sad. You are so young and you shouldn't be going through this. As a pp said, you have your whole life ahead of you.
What you have detailed is an abusive relationship, what is happening has nothing to do with you being asexual and has everything to do with you not feeling comfortable. I think you should end this relationship it's not healthy and you're unhappy, you're not damned to spend your life like this.

Original poster
Jadely98 · 26/08/2018 20:46

Thank you for your help and support everyone, i'm just going to go to bed right now. I'm exhausted. He's in work early tomorrow so I won't have to talk to him. And i'll have a few hours to have a proper think, once i've calmed down.

Thanks once again, you've all really helped me open my eyes.
Tomorrow I will check out any links you've posted x

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 26/08/2018 20:46

OP NO! Listen, you do not owe this person anything! Not a roof, not your body, absolutely NOTHING. He has to leave tomorrow and you need to be strong and mature enough to tell him this, otherwise nothing will change and your misery will continue.

yetmorecrap · 26/08/2018 21:02

Donkey you are so right. In my first marriage we split after 13 years together, had been with him from 15. I initiated it, I thought it would be horrendous, thought I would never get over it, 3 months later I felt perfectly ok and he had someone else moving in!! I’m rather a cynic these days on such stuff sadly because I realise that actually you can get over people when out of your day to day life and often quite quickly too if you are well rounded.

FloraHiggins · 26/08/2018 21:05

Courtesy of the chump lady

www.chumplady.com/2018/06/when-you-cant-leave-because-you-still-love-them/

junebirthdaygirl · 26/08/2018 21:09

You would not want to judge your sexual desires on your experience with this guy. In order to enjoy sex you need to feel safe to feel cherished. You don't have this. There is absolutely no reason for you to feel responsible for him. Relationships break up all the time and people survive. You are only 20 with so much fun and life ahead of you. You don't need to live a life under pressure from someone who has too many issues to make you a good life time partner.
Just tell him its over. He will make a fuss but let him off. None of this is due to anything wrong with you..you just need a better guy.I could put on a bet that you will enjoy sex when a better guy comes along. Wait for him.