A lot of the time the relationship is great! We've made loads of plans together, named future kids, and dogs! Always seems to be very loving.
However I have a lower sex drive than my bf and he makes me feel pressured. Always says i'm unwilling to try anything new and even gets moody and tries to make me feel bad etc and I have tried taking tablets and blame myself etc but nothings gonna change of course because half the time i'm just not interested. I find myself MAKING the time to do it though, as if it's my job at work. For example i'll see what time he's coming home from work and i'll plan to do something so that I can enjoy my evening and have a bath etc whatever because sometimes he starts complaining before bed and I literally can't sleep. I'm not explaining this properly but you get the idea. I feel pressured...
Then he's got issues himself like not having money or not having anything to do and he plays the PS4 and when he gets angry at the game he shouts and punches the bed, then if I ask him to be quiet as we live with my mum and other family he takes it out on me.
Everytime we argue nowadays I just consider leaving. And we did actually walk around for 4 hours+ and considered breaking up, made a plan... But it never happened.
In arguments he calls me names, then tells me HE feels worthless. I've seen quotes on the internet, pics people have made where they say, just leave a toxic relationship because someone will treat you better. But I still see a future with him. But ALSOOO it's like well how the f is anything gonna change if we're not sexually compatible?
I feel like going on Tinder or something and writing that i'm asexual to find someone who won't make me feel pressured. He's my first relationship and it's been almost 3 years. I don't feel happy trying new positions and things and can't feel 'in the mood' because it's all just pressure. I do have fluctuations in hormones and I feel 'in the mood' but it's only for one time. I get that he's frustrated but i'm done with feeling pressured every day.
Plus, i'm really independent and sometimes I just want that back. I don't wanna be alone but then I do all the time!
I have no idea what pushes people to break up with people but I just wish something in my brain would just lose all feelings for him and make it easier for me.
I guess i'm just venting because I just had an argument with him again and now the doubts are back... Idk...
I can't think of anything to say right now but if anyone asks questions i'll answer best I can..
Thanks.
Btw i'm 20.