My wedding, mum and sister.

[ElectricCandlelight]

Please be gentle. I need some perspective.

I had my first baby a year ago. It was traumatic and we both almost died. I have struggled a lot with coming to terms with what has happened, I'm almost certain I had ptsd. Then my landlady sold up and I had no choice but to move. I live 30 mins drive from my family.

I begged my mum and my sister to visit me for a cup of tea occasionally. I visited them a couple times but I don't drive, it's 2 trains and about 4 hours in total to get to them, -all with newborn baby in tow. They have never visited and soon I was forgotten. It hurt massively, but I focused on making myself better and I finally feel like I'm ok now.

Me and my partner have decided to get married, I called the registry office and booked the soonest date, we can only have 2 witnesses. I text my mum to explain I was getting married and I want her to be a witness. She replied she will be on holiday that day and she was gutted. I didn't know this because we haven't spoken in a year.

I then get a torrent of abuse in the form of text message from my sister, along the lines of "how could you do this to her, you are a self pitying bitch, we have always been here for you... etc".

I am beyond upset, when I was asking for their help they told me I needed to sort myself out and they don't have time. I did what they asked and left them alone.

The next message I get is from my mum. "You think your mrs perfect now don't you? I'm absolutely heart broken that you have done this."

I didn't do this on purpose but they won't listen to me.

I don't know why I'm posting. Am I in the wrong? I don't even know what to say. I had to block my sister because she is deluded and I didn't trust myself to rise above it.

Would you change the day of your wedding so your mother who you have not seen in almost a year could come? I just want to marry the man who kept me afloat this past year. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings. They have told the extended family that I've done this on purpose and everyone thinks I'm a bitch.

Do you think that by changing your plans and having your mum there will change your relationship positively? Be honest. If it won’t then you know what you have to lose. You have to be selfish to make yourself happy. Sounds like you could do with the conversation about what you would like from them in the future. You feel abandoned, they need to know this op.

Absolutely not. They have ignored you and when you offered for your mum to come along she can’t make it. That isn’t your fault and after the crap they’ve pulled since then I personally would tell them to go fuck themselves and forget them.

I know that’s hard, but you need to look after yourself and your family. They are not nice people, and they won’t change.
Enjoy your wedding and try and forget what’s been said.

So you actually want her there?

Have a look at the stately homes thread. See if anything there rings a bell.

Focus of ‘the FOG’ along with the golden child and scapegoat.

It’s your day. You want it when you want it. If you really really want her there, then sure change it. But it doesn’t sound like she will add joy to the day. Just more drama.

Just get married and don’t communicate on this issue any further. It speaks volumes that she said “you think you’re Mrs perfect now” rather than attempting to resolve the date clash in any way whatsoever.

Has this awful behaviour from them happened before?

I don’t think you should feel bad at all; if they weren’t there for you when you needed them then it was generous of you to want to include your mum in your special day and not your fault that she is away

You are definitely not in the wrong. Sorry they're treating you this way.

Fwiw I wouldn't change the date just to accommodate my mother but then she's been pretty NC for the last year too.

They sound awful. Moving away from the pair of them sounds like the best thing that could have happened to you. You haven't spoken in a year and she wants you to change your wedding (rather than her changing her holiday), she writes awful messages to you and obviously encourages your sister to do the same. It sounds like you're the family scapegoat.

It all rings a bell on stately homes thread. I'm really trying not to self pity here. Thank you. I'm not going crazy it's not me. Want some background of my life?

My childhood was normal, dirt poor, but happy.

My mum got addicted to crack cocaine when I hit my teens. I would sell weed for my mum at 14 to feed my little brother. She got clean and apologised. I forgive her. Her childhood was awful. She prides herself on the fact I wasn't sexually abused. I'm grateful I wasn't sexually abused but it could have easily happen had I not pulled a knife on that weird guy she had round all the time. He came into my bedroom, I slept with the knife. He didn't expect that.

I got accepted into uni, to do criminology (!). She emotionally blackmailed me and I stayed at home to fend for my little brother. My sister had moved out by this stage and we didn't see her. I don't blame her, I wanted out, but my brother was 6 years old.

She got clean. Then I sorted out her bankruptcy for her. I stayed in her flat with her paying 600 a month for the privilege. Her rent was 400 a month, I know this as I took control of her finances as requested.

I met my future husband and she did everything to destroy it. I ended up leaving and moving in with him and I think she can't get over the fact I left her. She begged me to stay. Saying she was going to be lonely. Her boyfriend lived there.

Shit. I'm not self pitying I swear, I had my son and my eyes have been opened. How could she do all that? Because she herself was damaged.

It's not me is it?

Definitely not you. Get yourself some witnesses, complete strangers would be an improvement on your mother, & get married.
Block the pair of them & crack on with the rest of your life.

No, it's not you. She sounds a nightmare, totally self-centred and ready to make it all about her! If you changed your wedding date no doubt she'd find some other reason why she can't come. Why do you actually want to stay in touch with her anyway?

Nothing wrong with feeling sorry for yourself. You lost out on the loving parent lottery. You need to understand that, grieve for it and get yourself in a place where you are the best Mum you can be.

By the sounds of it you are just starting this journey. It’s horrible, but worth it in the end.

Your childhood was not normal and how she treated you was not ok.

Op youve been through hell. But your past doesn’t have to determine your future. Go ahead with your drama free wedding without them. Honestly, break free love x

You've survived a bad start in life and carved out a life for yourself and your son.

Don't let her drag you down. Move on with your life and don't look back.

You go to that registry office and marry your future. You don't need the past

So not you!!!

Your mum is toxic, your sister is looking after herself. I would run for the hills and go NC

Sounds to me like you have a nice life now with someone good. I'd tell them to go and fuck themselves and go NC. No-one needs that sort of negativity in their lives.

Think of your DC, are they the sort of people you want your child around? Don't change a thing for people who clearly don't give a flying fuck about anyone other than themselves.

Much love OP

Don't look back, Don't make contact!

Do you still your brother? He is he old enough to be able to come on his own?

If you go nc, no one in their right mind would blame you.

If you decide to change the date to keep the peace, that's your choice. I have many toxic relatives and do things to keep the peace. My personal choice is low contact rather than no contact.

What does your partner think?

Don’t change the date, don’t do it. This is a out you and your future, not about your mother or sister who haven’t been a constant in your life.

If it was that important to her, she should change the dates of her holiday. Your wedding isn’t about her so you shouldn’t be jumping through hoops to accommodate her.

My brother has taken the same road as my mum unfortunately, drugs and prison. He didn't stand a chance, my mum went off the rails when he was very young, I at least had a normal childhood until my teens at least.

My partner wouldn't say a bad word about my family, but I know he thinks they are a bunch of shit! He reached out to them when I was unwell after the birth and couldn't quite believe it when no one showed. He is upset for me because I've actually done a lot for them in the last 5 years, financially and emotionally. He says that unless the family get something out of it, they won't do anything for me and he doesn't understand why, I don't either. I'm so thankful I have him in my life, I don't know where I would be if it wasn't for him. Probably still selling drugs and drinking myself into oblivion.

@ElectricCandlelight

I think you may have answered your own question there my love.

Just fuck them off out of it. Your wedding should be about you and your DP. Use it as a clean slate for you and YOUR family, not these toxic fuckers who hang about waiting to leach off you at any given opportunity.

Much love xx

If I was you I'd ask someone from your husbands side or even a neighbour!

Your not wrong at all!

You sorted yourself out with the help of the love of your life, keep the haters at arms length they will only bring you back down.

Congractulations on your wedding to be!

Xxx

Be proud of what you've achieved in spite of her and don't let them drag you back into their dysfunctional world. Enjoy your day.

Thank you. It's good having it confirmed that I'm not the problem here.