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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

boyfriend used debit card without permission

53 replies

sabrina1234 · 25/08/2018 20:51

So my boyfriend has my debit card details and I have let him use it in the past when he is struggling e.g. when he has no money for food or just for him to order me things. Sometimes he uses it for small things like when he didnt have a ride from the hospital to home so he used it for a uber without telling me which was fine as he had a concussion and wasnt able to drive home anyway. but recently i was trying to buy something for myself online that only cost £6.00 and wasnt able to and was confused as to why. so i checked my account and i had been paid £50.00 from work on friday and found out that he spent that money without telling me on 2 shirts that cost £50.00 altogether. I was upset by this as alot of the time i have to spend my money when he takes me out to places and wehenever we go out to eat. his birthday is in 2 weeks so that money was supposed to be spent on that. he has spent alot on me which i always tell him not to as he is broke himself just as much as me and he says he does it because he wants to. but i just find it stupid to put yourself in more debt and just because he does that doesnt mean that i have to aswell. then he complains that i never do anything for him or take him out but whenever he takes me out or suggests to go somehwehre it is mainly me paying anyway?!. I have already taken so much money out of my savings because of it and it im just hurt that he already knows im broke and didnt even ask me before purchasing these things on my card, fair enough if it wasnt that much money but he literarily spent my paychek.i cant even work that much as i do full time hours of placement at the hospital every week along with university exams and assignments so rarely have time to work amongst it all. i feel bad for confronting him about it because he always buys me things and isnt afraid to spend money on me ven if hes in debt but i just feel like he should have at least considered my situation and all the other stress i already have with everything going on in my life, i just dont know how to approach him with it

OP posts:

Aussiebean · 25/08/2018 20:55

You do understand that he stole from you right?

That you could, and probably should, report him for theft?

TastelesslyDone · 25/08/2018 20:55

He’s a dick, that’s called stealing - taking something without asking. Get rid of him.

Magmatic80 · 25/08/2018 20:56

You don’t have to technically. Report your card as stolen, don’t give him new card details and have my very first LTB.

LusaCole · 25/08/2018 20:57

I would be absolutely furious about this!

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2018 20:57

report your bank as lost to the bank, and when you get a new one DO NOT tell him your PIN number or allow him to use your card at all. He's actually stolen from you.
Oh, and get rid of him asap.

Soontobe60 · 25/08/2018 20:57

Obvs mean card, not bank!

Sinkingswimmer · 25/08/2018 20:58

Tell him he has crossed a line by abusing your trust in this way. Take your debit card back and do not let him use it again. Make him take the shirts back for a refund. If he says he can't because he has worn them, tell him to repay you in full asap.
Don't feel you 'owe' him anything because he chooses to spend money on you, it's exactly that - a choice. Do not help him out with money when he should be supporting himself, especially as you don't have much to spare yourself.
This is a form of abuse, though it may not seem like it, make it clear that you will not tolerate it. Please give consideration to whether you want to be with such a man

mumonashoestring · 25/08/2018 20:58

he always buys me things and isnt afraid to spend money on me ven if hes in debt

That right there tells you he has the financial sense of a lentil - if he can't manage his money then he's not going to do any better with yours. There's nothing wrong with requesting a new debit card from the bank and telling him that if he's going to spend your wages without so much as mentioning it to you (and who buys £25 shirts when they're properly broke?) then he doesn't get the details for your new card.

To be honest though if he demands to be treated like a Special Princess and then still whines when you've taken him out and paid for everything then he's basically dead wood. Cut yourself loose and move on.

Sorry10 · 25/08/2018 20:59

What are you serious?
Tell the cheeky sod you never use my card again.then cancel card get new card and NEVER let him use again . If emergency withdraw cash yourself never give anyone card details.
I can’t belive you don’t know how to approach him the cheeky git just blew all your money on 2 shirts.
Stop this nonsense now !!

LeftRightCentre · 25/08/2018 20:59

You approach it by changing your PIN. Seriously, this relationship is costing you a fortune! And he'll just take, take, take, take. That's what he is, one of life's takers. STOP funding him, no more paying for him. He suggests and you just tell him I don't have enough to pay for you.

Guiltypleasures001 · 25/08/2018 21:00

I have no words op

Give your head a Wobble lovely

supadupapupascupa · 25/08/2018 21:00

You tell him you are furious that he has stolen your money!!!! And then you dump him! Why are you even asking this? You know it.

gamerchick · 25/08/2018 21:02

Well short term he's lost the use of your card hasn't he?

Shazzyj87 · 25/08/2018 21:03

This happened to me with an ex. He took my card and withdrew £200 and then on another occasion, he done the same but it was £300 . He didn't tell me he done it, and it wasn't until I noticed my card was gone and I checked my online banking. I confronted him and he said he "didn't steal from me" as he was planning to pay me back. He was deluded! If you take money from someone without permission it's stealing ! I would get rid

BitchQueen90 · 25/08/2018 21:04

Why is he broke and in debt? He's a grown up, he needs to get his act together and learn how to manage his finances. CFery at its best.

Get a new debit card and don't give him the details, and please don't spend any more of your savings on him!

gamerchick · 25/08/2018 21:05

As for confronting him, give yourself a hard slap if you even think of not saying anything. He's STOLEN from you, do you not understand how much that says about how he thinks about you?

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 25/08/2018 21:08

Hes utterly shit with money and this will keep happening again and again.

ElinorOliphantIsCompletelyFine · 25/08/2018 21:23

Don't let this continue. He has stolen from you, and he probably won't stop. Change your cards and dump his arse.

A very close friend of mine has put up with this kind of shit for years, and just found out her partner (now ex) has run up over 10k worth of debt in her name.

CrazyOldBagLady · 25/08/2018 21:34

mumonashoestring has summed up my thoughts here.

I had a dead weight of a bf once who stole from me too many moons ago. My advice to you is to carefully go through all your statements to see what damage has been done and make sure he loses all access to your account. If you can't take the shirts back, eBay them. Then consider what you want for your future and ask yourself if he really can be part of it.

NonaGrey · 25/08/2018 21:36

He stole from you.

It doesn’t matter how he explains it, he spent your money without asking. That’s theft.

Tell your bank you need to cancel
that card and have a new one issued. Don’t let anyone use it ever.

Dump him.

And work on your boundaries. You should be bloody furious about this, not feeling bad about confronting him.

PerverseConverse · 25/08/2018 21:39

If you gave him your card and pin then reporting him for theft isn't going to get you anywhere. NEVER give out your card and pin to anyone. Why do people do this?? Yes he stole from you but you gave him the keys to the safe. I agree that you should report the card lost and keep the next one and the pin private. I'd also have a good think about your relationship boundaries. You have been foolish and far too trusting and unfortunately a lot of people are untrustworthy shits and will take advantage of nice, generous people like you. I'm sorry he was such a shit

Lavalamped · 25/08/2018 21:39

Financial sense of a lentil is the best phrase that I've heard this year

JoanFrenulum · 25/08/2018 21:40

You know that when your savings are drained he'll leave? He's using you, he's being a cock, and you deserve better.

N0bodysM0t · 25/08/2018 22:06

That's awful!!
If you don't break it off instantly then ask yourself why you need to be with somebody so badly that you would tolerate theft, delusion and lies.

AgentJohnson · 26/08/2018 07:28

Taking without asking is called stealing. Get a new card and don't let it out of your sight and don't ever give out your Pin.

Your bf is a thief and you're making it easy for him

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