Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional abuse of child

40 replies

Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 14:14

My marriage has been unhappy for years, and a few months ago I was finally brave enough to tell DH it is over.
He hasn’t accepted it as has spent the past few months threatening me and trying to intimidate me into staying. I have no family nearby and they can’t visit as I would not want them to be around him as he is a bully. He has his family nearby and they have completely isolated me over the last few years.

I finally said, once again, that I wanted to start mediation 2 nights ago. He was furious and stormed upstairs to wake our DS (9) who had been asleep. He then proceeded to tell him that mummy was destroying his family, we would get divorced and he should look into daddy’s eyes and understand it was not daddy’s fault.

It was 11 at night. DS was extremely confused, distraught and almost hysterical as my DH was shouting. I begged him to stop. I had bought a book on children and divorce and had been trying to see if we could plan a calm way to tell him together. This was designed to punish me and it worked as it was horrendous.

I am heartbroken, my son is traumatised and DH is going around singing. I don’t think he can be human to have woken a child and broken it to him in that way.

I only stopped the situation by calling non emergency police number and they managed to get DH to stay at his parents that night.

He wants to do anything to hurt me,and has the back up of his family. I expect him to demand custody although he was a disinterested dad.
I have no idea how to get through this and feel in pain, as is my son. I am still shaking.

My DH still says he loves me but it’s a joke. We tried Relate but after 2 sessions the counsellor saw me alone and warned me he was a bully and to prepare a safety plan. I appreciate I do need to do this.

He also talks all the time about how much he loves DS but how could he have done this to him?

I would love to move away to be near my family but there is no way he would allow me to take DS as it is some distance away.

I know we will recover but I feel disgusted with myself that I have been with this man for over 10 years and this has happened to my DS.

Lawyer advises staying in the house but of course DH won’t move out.

OP posts:
RedNed · 25/08/2018 14:18

He sounds like an utter prick, I do hope you and your ds can leave.

Are you sure you can't move closer to your family, even if its just closer than you are now? I've no experience with this but coyld you really be stopped from moving closer to support after leaving an abusive relationship?

melissasummerfield · 25/08/2018 14:20

You are your own person, there is no ‘allow’ in this situation. This man is awful and a bully. Wait till he is at work / out of the house, pack and bag get your son and go back to your family. Good luck op, I hope you get away and live happily with your son.

Original poster
Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 14:30

Thanks for kind responses. Sadly as I am in England and my family are in Scotland and I would need to go to court to be allowed to leave. My husband has already had his lawyer write to me to advise they could have me jailed if I remove DS from England.

My husband has also told DS he would be bullied in Scotland for being English. Not true but it has scared him and he is likely to prefer where we are.

He still loves his dad but is being manipulated all the time.

OP posts:
thereareflowersinmygarden · 25/08/2018 14:33

Are the police aware of what he did to his son that night?

cestlavielife · 25/08/2018 14:35

Well done for calling 101.
You may get a follow up call from a social worker and you can use that to your advantage and express your concerns for your child s emotional well being.
You need to get advice and make a plan.
You could move out and the go thru divorce to sort out finance and housing.

Sparrowlegs248 · 25/08/2018 14:36

Why would you need to go to court to move? I'd just go in this situation, on the basis that you are removing yourself and your son from an abusive relationship.

cestlavielife · 25/08/2018 14:36

Starting point would be 50 50 sharing arrangements depending what suits child.
Stay calm .
Show you are calm and let him show his anger...

cestlavielife · 25/08/2018 14:37

Go see a lawyer show them the letter
Get advice
Take all financial papers
Find out where you stand

zzzzz · 25/08/2018 14:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

longtompot · 25/08/2018 14:52

I've not been in your situation OP, but personally I would not believe anything your husbands lawyer writes or says to you, as its going to be biased in his favour. Get your own solicitor/lawyer to get an unbiased advise. Good luck with getting you and ds away from this awful situation.

Original poster
Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 14:53

Thanks everyone. I have a lawyer although he probably doesn’t understand just how abusive he is. I didn’t really understand myself until he as shouting at DS at 11 at night.

Police were very kind to me and I think it was right to call them although their presence also terrified DS.

I had mentally accepted we would be 50/50 for DS residence. I don’t see how DH would be entitled to more. However now I wonder if DH is fit to be a father and whether I am failing my son.
There is no proof of any abuse so probably limited in what I can do.

OP posts:
littlebigtown · 25/08/2018 14:55

Just pack and go , he can only stop you if he knows your plans and tries to get an emergency prohibitive steps order granted before you leave .

He can't once your gone .

He may take you court anyway after you have left but it wouldn't be immediately and it would give you time to come up a plan for the future .

You may have been advised to stay in the family home but in your shoes I let him have it and go with the thinking that the legal stuff of who gets what can wait until your settled and the divorce is happening .

zzzzz · 25/08/2018 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pandamodium · 25/08/2018 15:15

I would move and deal with the consequences after.

He's a grown man waking a child in the middle of the night to purposely upset that child.

Original poster
Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 16:51

His actions were to punish me, and they worked.
I need to think about leaving. I understand what the lawyers say but this is about a child’s emotional wellbeing.

DS is supposed to spend next week with my in laws. They are completely behind their son and so I am dreading it.

Relate were clear that I was in an abusive relationship. Whilst I hadn’t been happy, I didn’t really realise how he was controlling me. Now I have stepped out of line, he is furious.

OP posts:
Stillme1 · 25/08/2018 18:52

You could advise Social Services of the way your H has treated your DS and tell of the effects this has had on DS. Make sure you say this is in response to you considering leaving him.

ZoeRose81 · 25/08/2018 19:20

Similar situation with my beautiful friend. I bet that you are every bit as kind and generous as she is. If there is any way you can get out then do; if he can only contact you via written message you will very quickly build up a bank of evidence about the character of this man. I believe that there is actually an app which will store messages, times etc for this exact situation. Don’t be scared to keep logging things with the police and know that you are an unbelievably strong woman for making it this far and you will emerge with your son even stronger x

cestlavielife · 25/08/2018 19:42

Also go to school and let them know.

optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 20:29

Pink that’s dreadful and no he isn’t fit to parent.

What support do you have ? Do you have money ? Have you spoke to a solicitor?

I’d be in too minds to pack up tomorrow and just go to your families and deal with the fall out.

Original poster
Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 21:40

Thanks for all the kind words and advice.

DS is just so sad and I feel to blame and almost wish I had never started this. However I know my marriage was wrong and not a good example to set.

My main support network is in Scotland but will try and tell some people here.

I do have money so I am luckier than others in this position but it is just so hard.

OP posts:
Enough101 · 25/08/2018 22:21

Hi Op. A very similar thing happened to me and I experienced the most horrific time of my entire life. The reason I am posting is to tell you that in my experience, men like these do not win in the end.

Keep your dignity at all times, remain calm and just tell the truth to anyone he involves....the truth will always shine through in the end. His punishment by psychologically abusing your child already demonstrate that he cannot keep a straight head. The whole way through my process (which involved court, social services, GP and anyone he could basically get to listen to his shit), i was absolutely terrified that I would lose my kids. I didn't. He will work to scare you now, don't let him.

You are a great mum for the sacrifice you have made for your child, to not want that life for your children makes you the best. Keep that fact in focus and you are going to be alright.

Feel free to PM me any time and give women's aid and solace a call. They can recommend solicitors who are experienced in domestic abuse and I think it would really help you to have a solicitor who understands the impact on you.

Original poster
Pinkpanthershow · 25/08/2018 22:36

Enough101 - thank you! I am glad to hear you got through this

OP posts:
optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 22:40

pink just go and get dc in school ASAP and then drag the hell out of any court proceedings so the child gets time in the school. I’d go under abuse and you had to flee. You already have it recorded.

My friend played by the book and she was toasted by the courts in so many ways, she wishes she had just done what she had needed to in the beginning

optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 22:48

Enough not always. My friend had five kids who lost them to their dad for 50/50. Only he worked it so that he never spent actually any time with them as he lived with his parents by then and they did child care due to his work commitments all to avoid CS. She still had to pick the kids up from his parents house to go to after school classes as they point blanked refused so she ended up with them nearly every day any way but had to drop them off at his house after. He just got of CS!

op you have a situation that is already recorded by the police - you have a step up

Teabay · 25/08/2018 22:54

Had so so similar abuse at home aimed at me and my DC too. It ramped up when I said I wanted to go to marriage guidance as it wasn't ok.
Independent Counsellor told me he was abusive after meeting him.
Independent Mediation solicitor took him out of the room to warn him he was being abusive and aggressive but he didn't think it was true.
My sol told me not to move out, but I couldn't stay in the house with him, I was scared.
I left anyway - was the best thing.
He said he wanted custody or at least 50/50. He said he would take me to court, I was unfit, I abandoned them as I worked ft and he was pt...
Etc
Etc
I was absolutely fucking terrified that he was right.

But he wasn't. He is a lazy idiot.

Is two years later now, he quickly lost interest and is already down to EOW contact.

Please go to Scotland.
Do you live in the north of England?