Emotional abuse of child

[Pinkpanthershow]

My marriage has been unhappy for years, and a few months ago I was finally brave enough to tell DH it is over.
He hasn’t accepted it as has spent the past few months threatening me and trying to intimidate me into staying. I have no family nearby and they can’t visit as I would not want them to be around him as he is a bully. He has his family nearby and they have completely isolated me over the last few years.

I finally said, once again, that I wanted to start mediation 2 nights ago. He was furious and stormed upstairs to wake our DS (9) who had been asleep. He then proceeded to tell him that mummy was destroying his family, we would get divorced and he should look into daddy’s eyes and understand it was not daddy’s fault.

It was 11 at night. DS was extremely confused, distraught and almost hysterical as my DH was shouting. I begged him to stop. I had bought a book on children and divorce and had been trying to see if we could plan a calm way to tell him together. This was designed to punish me and it worked as it was horrendous.

I am heartbroken, my son is traumatised and DH is going around singing. I don’t think he can be human to have woken a child and broken it to him in that way.

I only stopped the situation by calling non emergency police number and they managed to get DH to stay at his parents that night.

He wants to do anything to hurt me,and has the back up of his family. I expect him to demand custody although he was a disinterested dad.
I have no idea how to get through this and feel in pain, as is my son. I am still shaking.

My DH still says he loves me but it’s a joke. We tried Relate but after 2 sessions the counsellor saw me alone and warned me he was a bully and to prepare a safety plan. I appreciate I do need to do this.

He also talks all the time about how much he loves DS but how could he have done this to him?

I would love to move away to be near my family but there is no way he would allow me to take DS as it is some distance away.

I know we will recover but I feel disgusted with myself that I have been with this man for over 10 years and this has happened to my DS.

Lawyer advises staying in the house but of course DH won’t move out.

You poor thing. And your poor child. You need to see your partner's behaviour for what it is - domestic abuse.
The police generally share information with children's services if they become involved in instances like this. Please don't be alarmed if a social worker contacts you. They will be able to offer you support and guidance: you are a victim and you need to safeguard your child.
Please also consider contacting a domestic abuse advice service. They are amazing and will be able to provide all sorts of help - including legal advice - www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk.
Best of luck and stay strong. x

Couldn't just read and go. The reason why your solicitor would tell you to stay in the house is because it protects your rights over the property. However that wouldn't be the right advice if you and ds are not safe.

He is clearly abusive to you and ds. However you are a long way from your family and support.

In your shoes, having had the police out and the advice given by your counsellor I would get out and go to your family in Scotland and deal with it from there.

I wouldn't wait & talk to school, ss etc I would just take you and ds to a place of safety whilst you can.

If you don't have the funds to get there, ask your family to come & get you. Go whilst he's out or "go out to the shops" and get picked up from somewhere safe.

Don't tell him what you're doing or give him any clues.

Your ds does not need to spend a week with his "d"f or gp's just right now. Who knows what might happen there. He absolutely needs to be somewhere safe. That is clearly not with his dad after last night's episode. Do it for him if you can't do it for yourself.

lizzyb gave good advice there about not alerting him to the fact that you are about to leave and just pretend you are going to the shops. If there is a Womens' Aid in your area they might store some cases of clothes for you to help you escape. Make sure you have as many documents as you can get birth certs DWP letters your bank statements, change all your passwords and pin nos.
The most important thing is that you and DS get away from this person and his family.

OP, I would repost in Legal regarding moving to Scotland - it is a separate legal jurisdiction and as such you may actually need to get a court order to move there, it's not as simple as moving to a different town in England. There are some very knowledgeable posters in Legal who will be able to advise you.

As an interim measure rather than a permanent thing could you and ds just take a few days out and stay with your family?

You could take some legal advice whilst you are away and talk to your family properly and give you and ds some breathing space.

In a situation like this I would be less concerned about school and possessions. You are at the very basic level of needing to make the world safe for you both.

Your ds will probably remember what happened for the rest of his life. The question really is if you are prepared to risk that happening again or whether you want to put a stop to it.

I say that as 46 year old who remembers the first time my df "turned" on me. I am pretty sure I was 6 (because the second time it happened I was definitely 7). Aggression/emotional abuse. Scared me absolutely to death. I was trying to "help" dm. A role I played until after df died 30 years later.

That experience and the ones which followed were the reason I did all my homework, sat every exam etc so that I could be financially independent and it wouldn't happen to me or my dc's in my adult life.

Also if he gets a court order to say you have to bring ds back you can deal with that when it happens. You had the police in your house last night because dh was abusing ds. You were both scared & rightly so. Take care op be strong xxx

Thanks for all the kind advice. I am so sorry for everyone else that has been through this or has been the child in this scenario.

I am in Bristol - so unfortunately Scotland is some distance away.

My husband has confirmed his family fully condone his actions but cannot condone mine in wanting to separate. This makes me think they are not safe to have DS.

I fear DS is being brainwashed by them. I am trying to be fair and I did feel guilty as I was instigating the break up. DS seems to feel sorry for dad, although dad has a whole support network and I am alone. It worries me that DS may not want to go if I try and take him away for a few days.

I would be terrified that if I was you and I stayed in this situation my 'd' h would poison my child against me.
I would also be very worried about the abuse my child is living with. If you have the money to get there and family to stay with go to Scotland. As soon as my dh left for work I would be in the car/ on a train as quickly as I could be. There is no way I would stay after my husband has put my child through that. How awful for you both op

You are right. However I am pretty sure he won’t leave me alone today/tomorrow and he is taking DS to his parents at 7am on Tuesday. I also think DS will be scared if I try and bundle us on to a flight or train. It is hard to know what to do for the best.

My poor parents are offering to come down but they are in late 70s and no match for this guy. I feel so guilty for the worry this is causing them and almost wish I hadn’t told them.

He has a whole family who want to see him ‘win’ this - which I think means taking the child to hurt me. It’s sickening stuff.

Very hard to get through to Women’s Aid but will keep trying. I have a good lawyer but may need to change to one who gets such an abusive situation.

I wondered if I provoked him but my request for mediation had been ongoing for months, and he had already issued threatening lawyers letters. He wants me to apologise to DS and be accountable for my actions but I have done nothing wrong other than stand up to him.

Sorry this has really upset me, I'd fucking kill the bastard if he'd done that to my child.

Hi pink

Im near bristol ive had a look at support services that are local. I wish icould do more to help. Please give them a call.

nextlinkhousing.co.uk

www.bristolwomensvoice.org.uk/safety/

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/temporary_housing_if_youre_homeless/refuges_if_youre_a_woman_suffering_from_domestic_abuse&ved=2ahUKEwi75sKw2YrdAhWNDuwKHYSrArIQFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw0bwBzPbHMndpmobl0e97OQ" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/temporary_housing_if_youre_homeless/refuges_if_youre_a_woman_suffering_from_domestic_abuse&ved=2ahUKEwi75sKw2YrdAhWNDuwKHYSrArIQFjAMegQIAxAB&usg=AOvVaw0bwBzPbHMndpmobl0e97OQ

<a class="break-all" href="https://www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.womankindbristol.org.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwi75sKw2YrdAhWNDuwKHYSrArIQFjAJegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw0aQxCe2TLJwDXnL3fQiZS7" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&url=www.womankindbristol.org.uk/&ved=2ahUKEwi75sKw2YrdAhWNDuwKHYSrArIQFjAJegQIBRAB&usg=AOvVaw0aQxCe2TLJwDXnL3fQiZS7

survivedv.org.uk

thehideout.org.uk

He doesnt want you to feel you have any control, you do. The first step is pickingup the phone and making a plan, these people can help.

Do keep trying Women's Aid. It really helps to talk to people who understand the situation.

Your poor DS. My ex has pulled similar shit.

Legally, he can potentially stop you from going to Scotland or force you to come back if you do move.

It is important to have the right lawyer so if you don't feel yours is experienced enough dealing with abuse then shop around. I saw a couple before I found one who genuinely understood, cared and gave great advice. The others left me feeling alone and in despair.

You have some money? Pack you and ds a bag, go to a train station and get to your parents.

That's what I'd do.

I hope you find the courage to get away from him.

my God what a monster. My heart goes out to you.
really hope you can get through to womens aid for help and advice.

My vote would be to get to Scotland as soon as you can with your son.

good luck

This is not a man you and DS should be staying with.
He has got you many miles away from your support group (parents and family).
He is threatening that you cant take your DS out of England. I don't think that is true. A friend lived in another area of England and she left with DC and went to Scotland
As well as scaring you and DS this man is causing stress to your parents who you have said are late 70s. This is a bully you are dealing with and he is owed no polite treatment.
His family who apparently want to see him "win" this situation, have they actually said that to you? Or is he saying that the DC relatives living nearby are against you to demoralise you and make you fearful enough so that he gets his way.
Your parents will be worried sick especially as they are so far away.
The DS was scared by the goings on in his home. You are lacking confidence.
I am nowhere near you but if I was I would find out if Bobster was close by and see if she would come with me to grab you and DS out the house and send you both far away!
Get yourself and DC to safety