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Relationships

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Original poster

Stay in a mediocre marriage for dd's sake?

32 replies

mediocrity · 05/06/2007 16:10

If your marriage is mediocre (e.g., not so horribly BAD but definitely very far from being GOOD), is it "right" to stay with dh for sake of dd? Is she better off with an unsatisfied mum and less than stellar dad or a happier mum but no dad?

I realise there is no "right" answer to this but wonder what people think. Would I be messing things up for my dd if I left dh seing as how things are not exactly horrible? Or, best to stay put and live with medioctiry?

p.s. changed my name as I'm being paranoid.

OP posts:

BrothelSprouts · 05/06/2007 16:11

Depends what the "very far from being GOOD" bits are really.
If there is frequent arguing, sniping and negativity, then that's not great for a child to be around.
Have you considered trying relationship counselling?

LynetteScavo · 05/06/2007 16:12

Would you be happier living on your own with DD?

thequeenofcontradiction · 05/06/2007 16:14

I think it depends on whether you honestly want the marriage to work - if so, then perhaps try counselling and work out why it is so mediocre.

However, if not, then I can't see how it would benefit your DD in the long run to have unhappy parents. You haven't said how old she is, but if she is young then it might be better to move on now before she becomes a teenager.

I'm sure other people will disagree but that's what I'd do in your situation.

Original poster

mediocrity · 05/06/2007 16:29

DD is a year and half. Part of the reason why I wonder if it's best to "move on now" in a sense instead of trying to fix things only to split up a few years from now... We don't fight, really, it's mostly that he's not attentive to dd (or me for that matter) and has no patience with her which ticks me off to no end. I'm currently at a point where I don't really see why I married him. No regrets, though, as it got me dd, but I don't think I love him anymore. We've tried talking and he recognises that he is not being a good father/husband but I don't see anything changing. I think I'd be happier living just with dd but then I get scared about being a single mum and worried that he will disappear completely from her life and I don't want her to suffer. My relationship with dh is not so dire that I am at wits end. It's just... well, mediocre.

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 05/06/2007 16:46

Has it always been like this or is it a recent thing? If you had a spark once, chances are you might be able to get it back...

sugar34plum · 05/06/2007 16:50

do you still love him?

Original poster

mediocrity · 05/06/2007 16:53

There definitely were sparks once upon a time. But, since dd, things have been lackluster. Do you think it's really possible to get sparks back? Sometimes I wonder.

My real concern, in the end, is for dd. Would she better off if we stayed together even if it remained mediocre?

OP posts:

oliveoil · 05/06/2007 16:54

are you just going through a hump?

most marriages get like this tbh

I think most of last year we didn't get on too well

find now though

jo25 · 05/06/2007 17:04

I can only answer you from my perspective, my parents where similar to you, My father had affair when i was a few weeks old: the first of three. My mum knew about it but decided to stay together for us children (my sister and i). Then went through the motions for another 13 years. I really wish they hadn't bothered. I no longer see father but thats no great loss, but have a really close relationship with mum. I truly believe our childhoods would have been happier if they had split earlier. We had a reasonably happy childhood but could have been better. My mum is now a totally different person for the better now and has realised that she was suppressed by my father, she is much happier, calm and has started living for herself and her new partner. She even laughs reguarly now and is very hands on with grandson. Through out my child hood she always sat in the background and can't really remebering her laughing. Like i said this is my perspective only. I think the divorc would not have had usch an affect on us children as adults had it happened sooner. They have been divorced now for 17 years. Hope this doesn't cause to much confusion. You are the only one who knows whats right for you. Good luck with your decision.

Original poster

mediocrity · 05/06/2007 17:06

I think part of me still loves him but I'm not "in love" with him... At least, I hope part of me still loves him. There are days, though, when I'm not so sure. He's turned out to be very different than the man I thought I was marrying. Or, more to the point, very different than the father that I thought he would be. And, I don't know if I can forgive him for that.

OP posts:

Lazycow · 05/06/2007 17:17

For goodness sake - most marriages go through this sort of thing. It isn't the same as one of you having loads of affairs or being mentally/physically abusive- all of which might be grounds for splitting up.

IMO Mediocre is absoloutely NO REASON to split up- especially if you have children.

Mediocre is a poke in the ribs to see if you can improve things (counselling, trips away whatever). Also the first few years after a first child are incredibly hard for a lot of couples. If in two years time you both have continued to try and the marriage is getting worse then maybe it is time to contemplate splitting up.

If things have been better in the past - then they could be again - You have to believe it though and think it is worth fighting for. At the moment you seem to want to give up as it has got a bit difficult and instead of wanting to save the marriage you seem to want to give up.

tbh I actually think a marriage isn't worth much until it has weathered some of these difficult periods. As to whether you can get the spark back - absolutely it is possible but it may then go again for a while. That is what it is like for many marriages.

Having said all that, it takes two to make a marriage work so if your dh really doesn't want to work at it either then it won't work.

Your fist step is a real heart to heart with your dh about the things you really want and whether you both want to improve this marriage. This is the time for action, if you let it slide it will go from a mediocre marriage to a bad marriage and then the decision will be made for you in a fw years time.

allgonebellyup · 05/06/2007 17:21

i think you should separate whilst she is still young, no reason to drag it out until shes older and understands more. i think once the spark has gone, its gone for good.

No point flogging a dead horse, i always say.

NKF · 05/06/2007 17:22

I don't think mediocre is a reason to split up from a marriage where there is a child involved. But I know many people think spark is key.

Original poster

mediocrity · 05/06/2007 17:32

I'm not ready to give up just yet although I admit that I'm looking at this through a layer of depression which is making it super hard to find the energy to deal with it pro-actively. And, I also recognise that a lot of marriages go through humps, especially in the first few years after kids (although, it doesn't seem like anyone actually admits that in real life...). We've been in this mediocre state for some time though (approaching a year) and even though we've talked, nothing ever changes. Or, it changes for a few days and then slides back. I suppose it's time for one more heart-to-heart.

I didn't mean for this to turn into my own personal rant (but, thanks for all the support!). I really do wonder what people think about the value of staying in relationships "for the sake of the kids" on a more general level.

OP posts:

warthog · 05/06/2007 19:35

yes you can get the spark back. but i think there are deeper issues here - your depression, perhaps your dh also feels depressed after the changes that children bring. i'd advice counselling, but i wouldn't give up now. it's a classic case of marriage / children blues.

Lact8 · 05/06/2007 19:46

Mediocrity, IME it sucks for the child to know that the parents stayed together for their sake.

Lact8 · 05/06/2007 19:49

That sounds quite harsh but I don't know your circumstances well enough to comment on what you should do in regards to your own relationship

My parents stayed together for years for the sake of the children and towards the end it was just horrid and I spent a lot of time just wishing they would leave each othe.

However, my parents had huge issues and problems, it was definately not a case of their marriage had become mediocre

keziah · 05/06/2007 19:50

Hi mediocrity, I would try reading "The divorce remedy" by michele weiner davis. Its about how to make your marriage better. She believes that even one partner trying to improve things on their own can work. Try looking at the reviews on amazon. It made me think twice about my relationship. divorce is not an end to the pain! Good luck x

clutteredup · 05/06/2007 19:58

Lazycow has a point I think, I guess we all have good and bad times and far from the idea that a LO brings you closer, IME it puts tremendous pressure on a relationship. I wouldn't toss it all away for a 'bad period'. Men get a kind of PND too as they have different pressures after babies too. i think it would be a good idea to talk to your DH andtell him -sensitively - what your feeling. Life changes a lot after a LO and both of you will have had to adjust and probably are both feeling you're on your own. Don't stay together just for DD, but try to stay together for the sake of you and your DH.

thefuturesbright · 05/06/2007 21:10

You seem to be assuming that if it's mediocre now and you put up with it then it will stay mediocre. It probably won't. It might get better (maybe with time or work) but on the other hand one or both of you is likely to get more and more miserable, and one or both of you will end up finding someone less mediocre and having an affair. Or the atmosphere will deteriorate and dd will soak it all up (like Jo25).

Do something. Anything.

Mumpbump · 06/06/2007 10:10

When ds was almost a year, I would have to say that our relationship was fairly monotonous. Very affectionate and lots of cuddles, but had definitely lost the spark. We went out on a couple of dates, got wasted and forgot about the fact that we were parents and enjoyed having some time as a couple! It proved to me that the spark is still there, just buried under layers of exhaustion. I am resigned to another year or so of baby-related drudgery/exhaustion, but hope that we can weather this period and refind the spark on the other side.

Have you been out much as a couple since your dd was born? Relationships do need effort and time to make them work. If you don't make the effort, you will inevitably end up in a rut, imo...

millie865 · 06/06/2007 12:11

In general I think it helps to think less in terms of 'stay for the sake of the kids' than 'make it work (for the sake of yourselves as well as the kids)'. Sometimes you see couples who have stayed married, but appear to have given up on the marriage at the same time IYSWIM? I don't think their kids benefit that much from unspoken resentment and frustration.

There are a couple of US sites that I have found useful - Marriage builders and divorce busters (!!)
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

mediocrity · 06/06/2007 17:22

Thanks for all the replies. I'll have a look around at the books / sites suggested and make at least one more serious attempt to get things back on track. I'd like to think that rekindling the spark is possible and it's not just flogging a dead horse... Millie, I agree that it needs to be staying together for everyone's sake, not just for dd. I think if later on we're still in this state of blech after making serious attempts to fix it, it may end up being best for all, including dd, to end it. But, I'm still hopeful that we won't get to that point.

OP posts:

SockPuppetOfDeath · 06/06/2007 17:45

I've got a book that might be useful for you. CAT me your address and I'll bung it in the post - I have no use for it anymore!

zizou · 06/06/2007 17:47

Relate will see you on your own if you don't want to involve your dh at this stage. Don't give up just yet, it doesn't sound that bad.
(But do get depression sorted, can't be helping.)

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