Stay in a mediocre marriage for dd's sake?

[mediocrity]

If your marriage is mediocre (e.g., not so horribly BAD but definitely very far from being GOOD), is it "right" to stay with dh for sake of dd? Is she better off with an unsatisfied mum and less than stellar dad or a happier mum but no dad?

I realise there is no "right" answer to this but wonder what people think. Would I be messing things up for my dd if I left dh seing as how things are not exactly horrible? Or, best to stay put and live with medioctiry?

p.s. changed my name as I'm being paranoid.

i think people who stay together 'because of the children' make a mistake as all that the children learn is how not to conduct a relationship. they are clever and with you so much, they pick up on everything. if you think you will leave better to go now than when children are older. if you go now they will never remember anything different from you being apart.

i would recommend reading a few books on the subject - after all you can wait a bit longer, so best to make the best decision. my favourite is by relate and is called something like moving on; or breaking up without breaking down; not sure but you'll find it in a good waterstones.

if a miracle happened in the night and you woke up the next morning, not realizing it had happened, what would be the first thing you saw that made you realize the miracle had happened? whatever that is, go for it.

it is very hard to comment without knowing you or if you have something worth saving. all i can speak of is from personal experience. i realized my miracle would be to wake up and my ex wasn't there. i left soon after and have never regretted it because i knew deep down it was what i had to do. however, it was the hardest decision of my life so far. also, i think it is very important to decide yourself. that way you can never blame anyone else for what happened. you could also write a list of postitives and negatives...

I think Im in more or less the same situation as you, medicocrity, so Ill be watching this thread.
Someone on another thread said that a woman asking the same question should be grateful for her mediocre marriage because there were women on mumsnet fighting tooth and nail to save marriages, where their husband had had an affair. Also, another one said that theres a lot to be said for a boring husband, when you are raising children.
These points make sense to me, and I agree with them. There is also the financial factor (anyone who says that money isnt important doesnt know what its like to be really poor. ) So thats another factor to consider. Also, many women say how completely stressful being a single mother is, and just trying to juggle and make ends meet doesnt leave much energy for the children anyway. On the other hand, I agree with the previous poster, that whatever our children see- that is their model of how a relationship is like, and we are setting them up for a future of having a miserable relationship too. In my case, Im biding my time. I`m going to try so much any way I can to see if I can improve the relationship.

I don't think anyone should stay in a marriage for the sake of the children. Kids pick up on it if it isn't right and end up feeling guilty / sad that they are the reason neither parent is happy or are arguing.
Give it another go and stay for your sake, because you want to, or if it doesn't work out leave knowing you tried your best.

I stopped in a mediocre relationship ( we are not married) for the sake of dd but both of us acknowledged what was happening and agreed to make things better which we have done and we are both very happy.

I believe in fighting to keep a relationship togther for the sake of children.

If you can hang on - treat your depression. And treat his, if possible. Maybe then you will be able to see that there is something to work on. Depressive times are not the right ones to make any big decisions, IMO.

Don't believe you should ever stay together 'for the sake of the children' if it means both parents are miserable.

However I believe that having children, should give you the incentive to work on your relationship so that you can all be together, and all be happy. That is the key.

If you've tried your very very best and you are still unhappy, then it's time to leave. But not before.

(IMHO!)

We had a serious talk (full of long overdo explanations and lots of tears on my part) on Wednesday night and I am very hopeful that we have a chance of making things better and getting the spark back. I already feel more "sparky" already. At the end of the day, I think alot of our mediocrity boils down to having grown apart. I've had some technical difficulties on the sexual front since dd and he was distancing himself due to the incompatibility between his desire for sex and my inability/desire to partake fully and his desire not to hurt me. Said avoidance led to my closing down a bit and him distancing further and the cycle went on til we become distant and the mediocrity set in and I started resenting / finding fault in everything he did. I'm really hopeful that things are going to be better now. I need to fight to keep the communication flowing and am also going to renew my efforts to sort out the "technical difficulties" with sex. I guess I was not really accepting the degree to which sexual problems can flow over into other parts of a relationship. Or, feeling that they shouldn't. But, in the end, at least in our case, they do and I need to recognise that.

It still doesn't solve my other issues with his relationship with dd although I'm hopeful that it will improve with time. I'm going to make an honest effort to keep this marriage intact. For my sake, not just for dd.

Thanks sockpuppet for the offer of the book but I'm overseas so prob not an option. And, no relate to speak of here but counseling might be an option...

I'm feeling a bit like some sort of self-help infomercial... Hopefully I can remain this and sort this all out. Thanks MN for the kick up the arse necessary to make me have "the talk".