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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I useless?

26 replies

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 11:30

Okay, so a long story but I don't really know what to do. I've been with my partner since I was 18 (nearly four years). He used to work at his own business six days a week and didn't always bother coming home at night. I lived with his daughter (she is an adult) who was horrid, aggressive and made my life hell. I got a little house of my own, my partner had a breakdown and quit his business and now works as a courier driver. We have three sons together (2,1 and 6 months) and we have recently discovered that our one year old has cerebral palsy. I am not the tidiest of people I'll admit that now, and since having three small children and PPD, it's gotten worse, I admit that, also I go to my mum's house a lot for support and adult company. According to my partner this makes me a useless c*, worthless and stupid. I understand he works long hours but he does nothing to help with the house, he will watch the boys a bit but doesn't do anything with them, he resents me taking them out and about (we are very active as it keeps me sane) and he never has a nice word to say about me. I guess I'm just asking if other mums in similar positions manage to have clean and tidy houses and I really am just a useless lazy idiot, or if he is being harsh? Also, please note he doesn't give me any money at all, so I'm not living off him in anyway.

OP posts:

category12 · 25/08/2018 11:39

Um, why are you with him? Why even listen to him? He's nasty to you, he doesn't support your dc financially, he's a crap dad and does fuck all at home.

This relationship isn't doing much for your quality of life, is it?

Give him the boot, you'll be happier.

Merryoldgoat · 25/08/2018 11:41

How does he make your life any better? Seriously?

ravenmum · 25/08/2018 11:47

He is putting you down as he knows what category12 says about him is true and wants you to think no-one else will have you, so that you don't give him the boot.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/08/2018 12:03

Your life sounds like hell!

No wonder his daughter is a nightmare she learned from her father!

No house would be tidy with kids that age

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:06

Because I don't really know any different to him, I've never been with anyone else, I'm not a very confident person to begin with. I understand that he is suffering too because of our sons diagnosis, it's hard on all of us, but surely that doesn't warrant this abuse? (I am genuinely asking, my parents were pretty darn awful to each other through out my childhood, I have no idea what a "normal" relationship is anymore). I understand I could do more and clean the house more and spend less time on my phone, I know I am kinda lazy but I take the kids swimming twice a week, play groups once a week, we go out to parks or to my mum's (she has a giant garden), we go to play dates whenever offered, the beach once or twice a month, I try and do stuff with them, but he says we should stay at home, that going out all the time is me being lazy about the housework? I suppose I'm just ranting more than anything, but I don't have anyone I can ask irl

OP posts:

MaryandMichael · 25/08/2018 12:06

Get rid of him, get him out of your house. He's horrible.
When you've done that you can start making your life right for you and your babies.

MaryandMichael · 25/08/2018 12:09

All those activities you do, places you go, you're right to do that. You are doing exactly the right thing for your children and for you. You aren't lazy - you have the right priorities. You can tidy up when they're all at school, grown up, whatever. Be with your boys and be happy. Get rid of the pain in the arse. You're very young. You can do it.

ravenmum · 25/08/2018 12:14

He's accusing you of anything he can come up with to draw attention away from his many, many flaws, and it is working. Instead of thinking "Do I want to be with this awful man?" you are wondering what you might have done wrong.

RainySeptember · 25/08/2018 12:17

Have I understood correctly that you have your own house, and he doesn't contribute anything financially?

I never say LTB but you would honestly be so much better without him. He would have to pay child maintenance, and would have the dc a couple of times per week to give you a break. Plus, the biggest benefit being no more criticism. You can have your own home exactly how you like.

Bananalanacake · 25/08/2018 12:18

Going out is good for you and the dc as it gives you exercise . He sounds controlling If he doesn't like you leaving the house. I am guessing he is much older than you if he has an adult dd.

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:27

Rainy September, yes it's my house which I pay rent on (granted I get discounts due to our sons disability and I get DLA for him) and the only money he gives me is to pay off a loan I took out on his behalf as his credit rating is terrible (he has only just started paying it after a year of me covering it).
Bananalanacake he is 42, so he is 20 years older than me (we met through work)

OP posts:

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:34

It sounds like I'm just slagging him off, I'm really not! Im not perfect in anyway, I spend far too much time just scrolling through my phone,the washing up hasn't been done in days and my house really is a mess, so please don't think I'm being horrible about him, I'm just genuinely wondering if it's normal to have a messy house with small kids or if I am being lazy and unfair on him. He works long hours I'm sure it must be frustrating to come home to a messy house and lazy dinners, i suppose I just wanted to know that other mums are like me too

OP posts:

MysteriousQuinn · 25/08/2018 12:37

Oh god bless you this sounds awful. Please don't put up with his crap anymore. You deserve so much better! He sounds very abusive.

My DH is always telling me to go out more and leave the housework because he wants us to have fun. I don't even go and do half as much with my kids as you do with yours, I honestly don't know where you get the energy so your definitely not lazy. You have your priorities right IMO and reading how much you do with your kids has given me a bit of a kick up the bum tbh.

Please don't put up with being treated so badly by your partner. You would be much better off without him

Melliegrantfirstlady · 25/08/2018 12:38

What does he do with his salary? Why doesn’t he give you anything towards the cost of the home and children

keepthechangeyafilthyanimal · 25/08/2018 12:43

2,1 and 6months??

MysteriousQuinn · 25/08/2018 12:46

Okay so your not Perfect, but you are going through alot right now and he should be providing you with support not putting you down. He is not doing your MH and general happiness any good. I bet you'd be so much happier without that negativity.

If your house is a mess and you are struggling to keep on top of housework then he should be offering to do more around the house and trying to motivate you. Saying "right come on let's get this housework done" and doing it together. The fact that he says that you should stay in rather than going out is not about housework, it's about control!

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:52

keepthechangeyafilthyanimal well two and a half, one and a half and six months (11 months between the first two and then 13 months between two and three)

OP posts:

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:55

Melliegrantfirstlady he pays the rent on his flat in Malta (long story, we were supposed to move to Malta, when ds2 started showing signs of problems I said no, he went anyway for a few months then came back when I had a breakdown) which is one weeks wage, he is paying off some debts and I don't really know what he does with the rest, sometimes he gives me fuel money but only when he uses the car. It's a question I've asked myself many a time

OP posts:

keepthechangeyafilthyanimal · 25/08/2018 12:56

Ah!! I was a little confused.

On the subject, sounds like you need a good chat with this man and explain that you're doing the best you can and your priorities are kids first, housework etc after.

I would always say having a tidy, organised space makes the day easier but his is just a matter of settling into a routine and finding that time of day that you can have a whizz around and get things done. He could always help?

Original poster

Unteacup · 25/08/2018 12:59

MysteriousQuinn thank you, I'm starting to wonder now! Yeah he has never been one to help with the house, I got two days rest after each of the boys then he went back to not doing anything... I suppose I've always just assumed it was normal!

OP posts:

Joysmum · 25/08/2018 13:04

Because I don't really know any different to him, I've never been with anyone else

It’s normal to question if you’re being unreasonable.

However you certainly do have something to compare his behaviour to and that’s reverse the situation. Would you ever be able to bring yourself to treat him the way he treats you if your roles were reversed? Would you ever not try to provide for your kids financially or practically or believe they shouldn’t have as many life experiences as possible rather than just being kept at home?

He really is an appalling man who is failing you and your children and a disgrace of a human being who at best has no morals or manners.

MysteriousQuinn · 25/08/2018 13:14

It's not normal. First 2 weeks after having both my dc's my DH took paternity leave and I barely lifted a finger (which was hard because I'm a bit of a neat freak and I like to do things a certain way) and even after he went back to work he would still tell me to sit down and chill and that he will do it when he was at home. Okay so he's a bit useless now but he still does the basics when he's home and will always do stuff if I ask.

The way your partner treats you is not normal and it's not ok! He should be providing financially for his children and he should be supporting and helpful to you as their mother and his partner. And he should be treating you with respect!

Please don't put up with being treated like this any longer.

RainySeptember · 25/08/2018 15:23

The flat in Malta worries me because I suspect he'd disappear if you separated, but you'd still be in a better position than you are now.

If I'm being completely honest, I don't think it sounds very nice to have several days of dirty dishes in the sink. But with three little children, your dp is the one who should be stepping up there.

Musti · 25/08/2018 15:38

You are amazing to bring up 3 under 3s on your own. Share custody with him and chase him for child maintenance. And leave the bastard.

DonkeyPlease · 25/08/2018 16:48

This question will sound impertinent but I'm asking because I feel there may be something underlying this situation, and I want to clarify:

How did it come to be that you had so many children in such a short space of time?

Would you be comfortable sharing the circumstances - e.g. were they planned? Who preferred the small gaps between them? Etc.

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