I work nights OH works days, both FT. I spend time during the day looking after a relative in various ways (appointments, grocery shopping, general assistance). This isn’t everyday, there’s no set routine, it’s as and when but it is regular.
I have a shift premium which allows us to have some disposable income. If I went back to days I’d lose this and we’d be ‘breaking even’. (We need some extra as the house is old and we need to save improvements)
The thing is, working nights has really fucked with my mental health. There is no flexibility in my job. I end up working 3 on, 1 off, 6 on, 1 off, then 5 on, and on occasion have 2 nights off together. By the time it gets to my weekend off I’m dead.
If I went for a ‘basic’ day job, we’d need to make up for some my premium loss (depending on the job, I could possibly make up for half the premium in a another position). OH is absolutely not interested in another job, which could bring in some extra money, to even things out. As a compromise, I have offered to take most household duties, as I’d be much more rested working better hours.
The job he does is fairly easy to come by where we live, and there have been opportunities for him to do the exact same job, much better hours but just earn a little extra. But he says he wants to staywhere he is and it’s not fair on him to change. Part of me thinks that I’ve sacrificed for sometime now, in a job that is quite detrimental (put it this way,I made an error when I was exhausted, came close to dismissal and I actually felt relieved at the thought). I’m not asking him to sign his life away, I’m asking for a year or two compromise. He has some debt pre-me, and I have some in my name which I had to use for emergency house repairs. If our finances stayed more or less the same, we can get rid of this debt in 2-3 years. We’ll have more flexibility then to do what we want rather than what we need to.
I’m also interested in completing a qualification eventually, to be able to get a better paid job. This isn’t due to it being a ‘passion’ or a dream career, it’s because this is where the opportunities lie here, and would give us both much more flexibility in the future.
But this will take time and money. I’d probably be able to pay for this next year, but I can’t last another year+ on these shifts, with caring and a course on top (it’s a relatively cheap course so doable financially with careful planning)
I sometimes feel like just being selfish, taking the next available job, regardless of salary but I know we’d struggle quite a bit. I am currently toing and froing on applying for a one which is ideal in every way for right now, except for the pay.
To be clear, I’m not expecting to him to double his salary and walk in to a high flying career. I’m not expecting him to be the higher earner foreve, or to give up a career he’s worked years to get to. I’m just asking for some compromise so I can reclaim my MH. (My total salary is common for his job role) As an example, the same job he does has come up paying close to what I get now, he knows half the staff, it’s in a similar location so no extra travel. But no, he wont consider it. He ‘just doesn’t want to work there’.
I genuinely don’t know if my job/mh is affecting the way I’m looking at this situation. I don’t want this to be a case of ‘I’m suffering so you should too’, but I don’t think I’m asking that. I’m asking for a temporary sideways step, which I think would help a great deal.
We talk about having DC in the future too, and one of my main worries is how we’d cope if he’s not willing to consider earning a little extra, just to keep us afloat until I would be able to go back to work (in the ‘new’ career path, fingers crossed)
Just to add, we generally cooperate well in other areas, there aren’t many problems, it’s just that this is casting quite a big shadow on things.