How do you come to terms that your mum will never be like everyone else's?

[KissMeLikeYouMissMe]

My mum seems to have totally given up on life. She has always had issues with MH (depression since I was a baby- she takes medication but refuses to engage in therapy which I think would help as 30+ years of anti depressants have done nothing and caused a lot of side effects) and has also had several incidences of very serious illness- cancer. When she was ill she fought so hard, through one bout she carried on working the whole time because of the financial hardships the previous bouts of illness had caused her. She has been all clear of the big c for over 10 years but since then has been declining year by year.
She has lost interest in life, she never gets in contact with me unless there is a problem or she needs something- I try to help her as much as possible but I feel she has very little interest in my life unless I facilitate it. She complains thar she doesn't see the kids enough but never makes the effort to see them, if I take them to her house she ignores them and caries on reading her book or doing puzzles in the news paper. She barely engages in conversation when you go to her house in favour of doing things that interest her. My kids love seeing nanny but if they stay overnight she just let's them stay up all night and refuses to enforce any rules what soever so we had to put an end to it. There have been times where she hadn't fed them either when she's agreed to look after them so we don't tend to leave them there unsupervised. If you make any comments she becomes incredibly defensive and acts like I'm telling her she's an awful person.
Everything has become too much effort. Ie she'll live in the dark for weeks rather than changing a light bulb.
We used to have a really good relationship, she'd call me a few times a week for a chat.....come over for tea regularly, pick the kids up from school just because they loved it. She does none of that now.....in fact I've left it weeks before without calling her and heard nothing from her (just to see if she'd call me) I caved in after about 5 weeks because I was worried about her and I missed her.

She's only in her 60s so not massively old. I see all my friends having wonderful relationships with their mums and I feel like I'm missing out on so much- we take her out on trips and she will sit in the coffee shop the whole time and barely engage in the day. she's just come back from holiday and barely interacted with my nieces. My siblings feel the same.......we all support her as much as possible but she will often fly off the handle for no reason. if they were arguing she'd refuse to get involved even if one was being glaringly horrible to the other. It's like she doesnt care about anything. It's been getting worse and worse over the years and it hurts. I'm crying as I write this because I just want my mum back. My father died when I was young si we missed out on all the parts of life of having a dad and it feels like we have lost her too.

anyone?

Oh my love. It’s tricky when your parents are r what you need. I have no advice except limit expectations. Maybe see if you can call her gp or social services it does seem like she nwsss more support .

Sorry to hear this. Have you spoken to her about how you feel? Could you all go out for the day so she's interacting more rather than reading at home? If she's refusing therapy and the meds arnt working maybe she could try different medication?

I know it's difficult as my dad suffers severely with his mh and his medication has zapped his personality away. I feel like he is just a shell now and my dad isn't really there. We get glimpses of him every now and then but it's not the same. It's really tough

She sounds really seriously depressed. Have you spoken to her about it?

I'd find that hard to cope with. Are you an only child?

My mum is a bit like this. It's very hard.

There really isn't a lot that you can do though, except focus on yourself. You need to grieve the mum you had and accept the one you have today. She is who she is, she is old enough now that it's really unlikely she is going to change.

It sounds like you and your siblings see her regularly and try to include her - would you agree with that? I ask because I'm not sure she needs "more support" as a pp suggests. She may just be one of those people who becomes miserable as she ages. She's had an awful lot of shit things happen to her. She may just be exhausted and, to an extent, sick of life and its hardships.

It's sadly fairly common, especially with folk who refuse to attend any kind of therapy. The issue is that some folk don't ever develop the coping skills and insights that are needed to maintain resilience in the face of what can be very scary and painful setbacks. Again, my mum is like this although she went a step further and ceased her ADs one fine day.. cold turkey... Sigh.

It's ok for her to be miserable and withdrawn if that's what she chooses. The sad truth though is that you are going to need to discipline yourself over time to consciously allow her to be the person she is. While being the mother you always needed - a mother to yourself and to your DC.

Set a contact schedule, make a list of questions that you ask her every time you contact her, ask only those things, and limit your responses to a set few that enable you to share a friendly, polite minimum amount of information about yourself. Don't talk about how you feel, or your hopes or dreams or fears - she can't help you. She doesn't have the internal resources. The first year or two, ypull constantly slip up and share too much or expect too much - forgive yourself and start over. Allow yourself to hurt and cry after contact - it does hurt, having a mum who isn't much of a mum. And after a few years - you will have reset your expectations. And it won't hurt anymore.

It's significantly easier said than done. I know from experience. I'm sorry.

Thanks for the replies.
We've spoken to her GP numerous times but they said she needs to engage with them.
we've spoken many times and she takes it very personally. We take her out all the time, more often than not she can cells at short notice due to being "ill"

I love my mum dearly but I look at the things other people's mums do for them.and it hurts. We've just come back from holiday and I haven't heard a peep from her. she doesn't care.

I just wanted to say that I know how you feel. We hadn’t seen/heard from my mum for 5 weeks. I then got a text on my birthday, and have come back from holiday and haven’t seen/heard from her at all. My children are missing her, my birthday has been and gone, and nothing. It really sucks not having a mum like everyone else’s. It’s now 6 weeks since we’ve seen her and she lives 5 minutes away from us.

Your mum sounds desperately unwell. I do understand your POV in her not being the mum you want and need, but it really isn't her fault. She isnt doing it out of spite. Please remember that.

We've just come back from holiday and I haven't heard a peep from her. she doesn't care.

Have you contacted her?

Perhaps she needs you to.

pachiano1 this is what it's always like......if I don't contact her then I don't hear from her. I have tried so hard to get her help. I've done countless hours of research on therapies I think would help, courses to help her. She's got muscle wastage where she's literally wasting away because the only exercise she gets is walking to the loo. When we make plans to get her out of the house she cancels. I've found groups local to her to get her out and about and socialising because she doesn't really have a social life. she looks into them, says they look good then never goes.....even if I offer to go with her. There is only so much I can do. I have a lot on my plate too.
I don't for one second think it's intentional but when someone refuses to talk about the problem and refuses to do something about it it's frustrating. We all went through a tough time growing up, we all went through her illness, we all supported her and helped her get back on her feet. we all experienced it. I'm not belittling what she went through but pointing out that we all went through it with her. It was hard growing up, juggling a very sick mum, school work and living with someone different every few months whilst she received hospital treatment. I have never moaned about it because I always felt lucky that so many people cared about us enough to do that for us.
If you try to talk to my mum then she either yells or literally puts her fingers in her ears and refuses to listen.
Sometimes I want to walk up to her and shake her and say "please listen. I need someone who resembles a mum. I need you to recognise your problems and get help. My children need you."
I don't blame her amd never would.....I've been so patient pretty much my whole life. most of this I could never say to her face because it would hurt her and that's the last thing I want. I just needed to vent and talk to someone who might understand.

I can't even explain hoew much it hurts me. I have always found the loss of my dad hard because of all the things I have missed out on over the years. The hugs, him meeting my kids and my partner. Knowing him as a person. I feel like my mum has a choice to be part of this but doesn't want to be.

stonesoup she left it till half 10 to ring me on my birthday....she wont text unless there is a non emergency.

What ..... Have you got help from expecting thing from some one who is has ASD . Surely with all your research you have worked this out .

I think maybe (and this is kindly meant, I can see how distressing this situation is for you) that you are the one who needs some counselling. Your mum is very unwell but has no interest in engaging with anything or anyone, that is the nature of her illness, and all your loving attempts to find that one thing that will spark her into life and make the change you so desperately want are not going to work. It seems that it's not so much that she's not interested in you, your siblings etc, she's just not interested in life and nothing you do is going to change that. I suggest counselling for you to help you accept this, that you can't change her, to help you mourn the mum you want and need and to help you accept that she can never be that, she can only be the one you've got. It's so unfair for you but I think you need to try and make your peace with it, do your best for her in terms of making sure she's safe, being the proactive one in contact etc and then know you did your best.

whitecaribou......I have said for a while to my siblings that we have been trying so long to change the situation to no avail but perhaps we need to accept the situation. I'm just not very good at taking my own advice and don't even know where to start. I know that it must be horrible for her to live the way she does. Like I say it just massively hurts. I keep wondering if one of my friends mums will semi adopt me and fill that void but if my mum ever found out it would crush her.
I'm probably coming across as really selfish but I've been bottling these feelings for years and biting my tongue to not make matters worse and I guess I just needed to get it all off my.chest.

joboy I really don't understand your post sorry.

female ASD
everydayaspie.wordpress.com/2016/05/02/females-with-aspergers-syndrome-checklist-by-samantha-craft/
Autism spectrum disorder (ASD)
The fact that you do know what means you have zero research.
You mum won't change you have accept her for who she is .

WTF

@Joboy you can't diagnose a developmental disorder in a stranger via the Internet.

If you insist on trying to, might I suggest being slightly less unpleasant about it?

Jog on ffs.

I know what you mean... and I am so sorry for you. You can probably tell that from the responses on here that there are those who understand and those who don't. It is OK to feel like this.

OP, has your mum ever had ECT? It’s over 80% succesful for a first course, and is our usual recourse in my area for intractable depression when various antidepressants have failed. I’ve had patients return to full function from being mute, immobile and suicidal.
However, if she won’t engage with treatment, you may have to simply withdraw to protect yourself from further emotional damage and heartbreak.
Not everyone has a wonderful mum. Mine was a toxic narcissist and I avoided all contact with her for the five years until her death. There are lots of threads on MN from women with similarly awful parents.
You are stuck with the mum you’ve got - if you can’t change her, you can only change your response to her.

I'm so sorry your going through this OP.
Although my circumstances are different I have the same longing for a mum like my friends have, you know sitting at the table eating a Sunday roast, a nanny to my children, a mum to call for advice, a mum to be proud of my achievements, the list goes on.

I also wrote a post about my mum not being the mum she used to be, the advice was similar,
Accept it and move on... it's not that easy though, i want a mum too OP your not alone xxx

joboy Im pretty sure that she doesn't have ASD.......she's had issues over the years but has generally been able to function. This is something that has always been an issue but has got worse and worse over the last 5 years.

Babdoc I'll have a look at ect. I would love to be able to dig out the person she used to be.

also joboy......my research wasn't into a diagnosis. I'll leave that to the experts. I was just looking for things that could help her and potential treatments. Both my kids have asd and I'm used to dealing with it.....this is different.

You do realise ASD is runs in famliy and as people get older that getting fed up of masking the signs .
As i said read the link I have you .
Have you taken ASD test yourself .

Just wanted to say you're not the only one with a parent who isn't a great parent. My mum is pretty great, but my dad is a nightmare really and when he was hit by MH problems around 40 that was kind of it for our relationship. I still love him, and he makes an effort and I know he loves me and my kids too, but as for a real relationship...it's difficult and I've had to let it go. I see him a handful of times a year, and phone him maybe once a month. He likes hanging out with the kids, but always on his terms and usually only for a couple of hours. I'm always there. We live down South and he always says he can't afford to visit, I think he last came 2 years ago. He's just happier on his own and is reasonably good at looking after himself. Sometimes it's just easier if neither of us ask much of each other, even though it's hard it helps me get on with my own life. Sometimes he's even called me a few days after going in hospital and he's never told me or anyone, it makes me feel guilty but that's why he does it like that. Maybe redraw the lines, but not much is likely to change.