DH up to something? Or am I just losing the plot...

[dawndown]

I posted a while ago about my relationship and being 'ditched' by DH during family times etc.

Since then, there's been many talks and promises of working on our marriage, and yet we are still drifting further apart.

I'm now writing for advice on a difficult situation, I have no evidence whatsoever, but something is definitely off - but I'm not sure what I could do - find proof? Cut my losses? Counselling?

The most recent questionable incident;
He worked late the other night, DC2 is very unwell at the minute and I needed to get hold of him.
I called his mobile and texted, no answer. I would never normally, but as I was very worried about DC I called his work. Now, if he's working late he will not be the only one there, as his job requires a few colleagues to be there for him to do his job, but there was no answer - I tried twice, this panicked me.
Finally, 20mins later he calls, exclaiming how busy it's been. I asked why no-one answered the main phone, he replied, "because they're lazy." He then would not speak about it further.

So, this 'off' feeling has come about after some other changes in behaviour:

Obviously these many late nights working, which tapered off after my last post after a massive row but recently have been picking up again.

A couple of recent messages from a previous love interest, (just before we met.)

Not new but relevant, we've had a mostly dead bedroom for the last five years. Any time I initiate, I get rejected 90% of the time. Last year we had sex 3 times.

This ones odd, maybe I'm reaching... insisting on showering the second he gets in from work. This is new though.

There's other, subtle comments/days where things seem strange too. I'm wondering whether I'm just going crazy, looking for something that isn't there - my own insecurities making me feel there's someone else.
We've talked the bedroom issue to death, I'm desperate for some intimacy, he promises to work at it, but we never get anywhere.
The messages I saw when sending a photo to myself from his phone on FB messenger. He made a big song and dance of unfriending her when I mentioned it.

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to comb through everything and find the proof I keep thinking is somewhere, but surely that's a horrific breach of trust? This is where I start to think I'm the issue and I need to sort myself out.
Talking to him about my feelings is pointless, he will dismiss any concerns and turn it all in on me being unreasonable.
I'm sorry for the sheer length of my post, for all.

Why do you need proof of anything?

This relationship seems pretty dead already.

It does sound dodgy but that coupled with all the other stuff I would end it anyway. It sounds like the marriage is dead. You deserve intimacy with your partner.

Maybe tell him you've done your best and maybe it's time to look at what seperating looks like. You can't carry on the way you are and take it from there.

Fuck the breech of trust, if you want to comb then comb.

As above but does sound like he is up to something. If you can't follow him could you hire a private investigator ?

I'm also not sure why you're beating yourself up over proof.

Work on the marriage, it sounds stale and past its sell by date. All the things you state could be explained away, or yes he could be cheating or looking for someone else.

Deal with the main issue. The marriage itself. Everything else is a symptom.

Look on his phone for his recent locations. It will tell you where he has been and if he has been going there regularly

Dates and times too

How I once found ex out on being with someone behind my back.
Had to work late all that week as to finish a big project he said.
Phoned to speak to him to pick up something for me on the way home -to be told that there was no late working and he had been leaving usual time of 5.00.
He would quickly shower on returning home so I did not get a whiff of her perfume or wash away any lipstick smudges I might notice.

I had ten years of exactly the same as this crazy making behaviour from my H OP. In the end, without me snooping, I found evidence of numerous sexual dalliances and affairs. I am no longer with him but I couldn’t have left, for my own peace of mind, without finding out for absolute sure he was cheating.

Which explained why he wasn't coming home until 9.00
Also carried an extra shirt which he would put on just before coming home again in case it had any evidence of her on it .

I would want to know for certain. It sounds as suspicious as hell, to be honest. Do you have a friend who could drive past his workplace when he's supposed to be working late?

Showering off the scent of the sex/other woman. It's a classic.

Do you need him to be the bad guy to justify leaving the relationship?

If so, hire a private detective. They'll get your evidence quite quickly by the sounds of it.

Thanks for your replies. Our relationship is definitely in trouble without the suspicion, I really want to work on it, but when we try I do feel he is often just saying what I need to hear to keep us bobbing along until the next time. (I know this sounds very one sided, he tells me he thinks our relationship is fine and we don't need to change)

We have recently moved, I don't really have any friends in this area, we are also down to one car, so I am stuck in our village most of time. (I work from home part time)

The showering thing has really bugged me, I'm usually busy with DC/work/housework when he arrives back - or in bed on the late ones - he shouts hello and runs off upstairs before I can speak to him. He protests that he just wants to get it out of the way so he can relax for the evening.

Unless you want to spend the rest of your life like this, then something has to change lass.

The lack of intimacy is, to many, enough of a reason to part ways.

Sorry op that is exactly what my ex said about his sudden and urgent need for the shower

I would probably be tempted to snoop. At least you would know, one way or another. Is he secretative about his phone? Can you ask to borrow it to check tomorrow’s weather forecast etc? If he willingly gives it to you, then that’s a good sign.

If I had my time again I’d have hired a private detective. My daughter suggested it but I thought it was all a bit over dramatic and maybe I was paranoid.
People who are cheating are very good at making you feel like you’re over sensitive, neurotic and imagining things. Until you’ve experienced this first hand it’s difficult to understand how important finding concrete evidence is necessary for understanding the situation and closure.

He is very open with his phone, but everything other than photos are deleted. All call logs, messages, any interactions on other apps. This has been the case since we met, I haven't snooped to find this out, just know from years of looking for various things (e.g. message from his mum about something specific, postcodes sent in texts or emails etc.)

The message I saw from an ex was sent within minutes, he hadn't had time to delete it.

If he's cheating, I would leave. But without knowing the truth, even with our current issues, I just can't. I'm tempted to check his laptop. I've never looked at it as it's for work, and he often leaves it on days off if he goes out. (Dog walking or taking DCs out, nothing nefarious, I hope)

Go to the washing basket as he rushes into the shower I bet you'll find some nice evidence there! Long black hairs in the suitcase started appearing for me.. my first of many red flags. I agree get your evidence (it's highly likely). Sorry I have no positive words. 💐

I remember one day swearing that the laundry basket had been completely empty (a massive and noteworthy achievement with four small children) then that night seeing two pairs of boxers and two shirts in it.

But obviously I was crazy, suspicious, an underpant-counter, and a pry

The messages I saw when sending a photo to myself from his phone on FB messenger. He made a big song and dance of unfriending her when I mentioned it.

I don’t get this bit? Who is ‘her’?

It doesn’t sound like there’s much point in staying in this relationship.

'Her' - the message I saw from a prior love interest. Well over a decade ago, but a recent conversation.

I think He's Cheating..

You could speak to a solicitor to see how the future might pan out for you if you split. You don't have to follow it up but as things stand he could come in from work and tell you he is leaving for OW. It might reassure you to be one step ahead.

The showering's classic. That and the lack of sex; affair or prostitutes, he's getting it somewhere. I don't think you need to know any more. If when you tell him you're done he wants to tell you his story of woe, so be it. If he happily accepts his fate, well, that says it all really.

But if you check his frequently visited locations you will find out if he actually is in work when he says he is or whether he’s frequenting her home address