DH up to something? Or am I just losing the plot...

[dawndown]

I posted a while ago about my relationship and being 'ditched' by DH during family times etc.

Since then, there's been many talks and promises of working on our marriage, and yet we are still drifting further apart.

I'm now writing for advice on a difficult situation, I have no evidence whatsoever, but something is definitely off - but I'm not sure what I could do - find proof? Cut my losses? Counselling?

The most recent questionable incident;
He worked late the other night, DC2 is very unwell at the minute and I needed to get hold of him.
I called his mobile and texted, no answer. I would never normally, but as I was very worried about DC I called his work. Now, if he's working late he will not be the only one there, as his job requires a few colleagues to be there for him to do his job, but there was no answer - I tried twice, this panicked me.
Finally, 20mins later he calls, exclaiming how busy it's been. I asked why no-one answered the main phone, he replied, "because they're lazy." He then would not speak about it further.

So, this 'off' feeling has come about after some other changes in behaviour:

Obviously these many late nights working, which tapered off after my last post after a massive row but recently have been picking up again.

A couple of recent messages from a previous love interest, (just before we met.)

Not new but relevant, we've had a mostly dead bedroom for the last five years. Any time I initiate, I get rejected 90% of the time. Last year we had sex 3 times.

This ones odd, maybe I'm reaching... insisting on showering the second he gets in from work. This is new though.

There's other, subtle comments/days where things seem strange too. I'm wondering whether I'm just going crazy, looking for something that isn't there - my own insecurities making me feel there's someone else.
We've talked the bedroom issue to death, I'm desperate for some intimacy, he promises to work at it, but we never get anywhere.
The messages I saw when sending a photo to myself from his phone on FB messenger. He made a big song and dance of unfriending her when I mentioned it.

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to comb through everything and find the proof I keep thinking is somewhere, but surely that's a horrific breach of trust? This is where I start to think I'm the issue and I need to sort myself out.
Talking to him about my feelings is pointless, he will dismiss any concerns and turn it all in on me being unreasonable.
I'm sorry for the sheer length of my post, for all.

Has he always had a low sex drive?

The recent weather has been hot so that could be why he's showering, but the lack of desire to have sex with you is a concern.

He could be trying to keep faithful to an OW by constantly rejecting you.

You mention being isolated in the village...I suggest you get an activity just one night a week for yourself.

Could it be another man?

I would get a trusted friend to sit outside his office in their car, next time he tells you he is working late. Sounds slightly odd behaviour, not to answer office phone.

Been through exactly the same thing. I knew; just kept telling myself that it was impossible (he is a teacher and the ‘other woman’ was a 16 year old student) so squashed all my feelings down because there was nothing definitive. In hindsight, I think he was actually taking the piss with some of his excuses and that part of the excitement was seeing what he could get away with telling me. YOU DO KNOW and are not being paranoid. Take a deep breath and, when you are ready to own this, get that proof.

People don’t need to treat people this way and you don’t deserve it x

Yoyee not going crazy your instincts are screaming at you that something is wrong and you're ignoring it.
If it was me I'd be looking for proof and I doubt it'll be hard to find as he obviously thinks you're a pushover.
Everything you wrote screams affair, even a double life.
Stop ignoring the alarm bells.

I'd definitely do some digging. As PP said if he has an iPhone it's really easy to see his recent locations. Settings > privacy > location services > system services > frequent locations. You then click on the locations below the 'history' part, and it'll show you dates/times of any frequent locations. You should be able to see if he's been at work, and if not it may show you where he's been instead

Personally I'd need concrete evidence he is or isn't cheating before I could take any steps further. It's going to drive you crazy hunting for it now but it will drive you even more crazy in years to come always wondering if he was. (I am in this position).

You say you can’t leave him without knowing whether he is involved with someone else. Putting aside the fact that the existing evidence suggests he is, how will you feel if you snoop and don’t find anything incriminating? What will you do then? Say, oh well, he’s bring faiithful so I’ll have to stay with him even tho our relationship is crap? Do you love him?

I am impressed that you want to continue a relationship with this man. You say there has been no intimatcy for 5 years and that he doesn't respect your feelings. Why would you care if he is cheating (and i would guess he is) as your marriage seems dead anyway.
I think you should think about whether you really want to stay with this man and how he enriches your life.