Ashamed to say, I just feel bored

[BuildingABridge]

I have nothing to complain about really. Lovely house, great job, good network of friends and family etc. I know people have so much harder lives than me and this is going to sound so pathetic but I’m just bored.

I’m married happily enough, no children (which I’ve always felt a bit of a failure about), mid 40’s. I feel like “this is it” and it embarrasses me to say that makes me feel quite depressed. Recently an old male friend of mine and I have been talking a lot about this and he too is in a very similar situation. I don’t think my friendship with him is a threat to my current situation, although the fact that our conversations are escapism for us both and brings us both a change to what is the norm, makes me nervous to think if we are doing good or bad to our very different and separate lives.

I don’t really have a question but just wondered if anyone else felt the same with their lot? I feel like completely turning my life upside down just to bring back some excitement back but reckon even then I’d still need to live with myself.

My granny and grandad didn't even take into account that they were 'bored' and this is what's wrong with our world, the word bored we stick it on everything. 'I'm bored of my job, I'm bored of my relationship, I'm bored of my new car, I'm bored of my kitchen'

You feel bored sometimes being with your mum, dad, sister or brother, but you don't leave them do you? A partner is somewhat the same

@bigmy your right but you don’t live with the other people share a bed and boredom can turn in to affairs, resentment and other issues it’s best to come on here for a bit of advice than throwing away your marriage or relationship as boredom can happen again in another relationship but it does become an issue. I know first hand. I bet the older generation got bored but they didn’t probably share it and took marriage vows seriously.

@Pessismistic oh I know and I'm not judging or anything I just sigh and wish myself included wasn't so quick to get fed up or doubt relationships/opportunities. Guess i wish I was born in a different era

I didn’t think you were tbh I just know how hard it is and we can walk away from family if we are bored but a marriage is meant to be for life and sometimes it’s a hard one to live and feeling trapped with dc and no money etc makes it worse to get out the trap. Arghh. It all starts off so well

So how would you feel if your DH was having similar thoughts and similar escapist conversations with another woman?

If you'd be really upset that tells me you shouldn't give up on DH but liven up your life in other ways

if you'd be kind of relieved it says the opposite...

I felt incredibly bored with my (until then, fabulous lot) last year.

I suppose my husband felt the same and got into an emotional affair with a colleague. That turned my world upside down, I lost 4 stone, went from a size 18 to a very nice and athletic size 8 body, but that has been the only relatively good thing. I am always on edge. I never have peace. Not for a second. Sometimes I wish I could switch off this sense of unhappiness and despair. I’d give anything to feel “bored”
again...

Be very, very careful with what you wish for... you might just get it.

Do you still want children? You could consider adoption.

I’ve been reading and re-reading all of your comments. Seems to be there are a few common things coming out in my mind, so thank you all for contributing.

Seems the most important thing I/everyone can do is have a better relationship with themselves. I’ve been reading about resilience since yesterday and this is about being strong enough with yourself when it comes to outside influences. Social media, other people who have the perfect lives all of those things are threats to our own well being, which is only up to us to protect.

Of course we all need help and guidance along the way and many of you have suggested some positive actions for me that can only be achieved by getting off of my arse changing things for myself.

How fascinating we all are and how complicated we all make things.

@EthelredOnAGoodDay I too have been talking to my (girl) friend and we both feel the same, I wonder if this has something to do our age? We think we are beginning to experience mid-life physical symptoms (also know as hot flushes!!) but still talk about going out drinking and dancing as if we were in our early 20’s! She has children to consider and we both have elderly parents to support. It seems that we spend most of our time looking out for everyone else?? God, that sounds so self absorbed!!!

Interestingly, I started this conversation with my OH last night and he has been worrying about how down I’ve been lately. Didn’t realise that my inner feelings were showing on the outside.

It seems to me that all of us here feeling this way need to find some sort of support network and feel safe to express our feelings without being judged for having it all and still not appearing to be satisfied. If anything, it seems I’m not alone.....

Maybe your partner is just as bored with you?
He probably is in all honestly, & I don’t mean that to sound harsh, but it’s common to feel bored after a few years ( as this thread has shown )
Maybe you both need some time apart?

@minipie thank you for your comments. Been thinking about this a lot. I genuinely considered my conversation with my male friend to be no different to talking to a girl friend. My OH knows this friend very well and doesn’t feel threatened at all by him. However, I haven’t told my OH about this conversation that I’m now questioning why. Seems to go back to this emotional affair that someone else mentioned. I suppose that is exactly what is going on as I should be talking to my OH about this stuff and plainly I’m not. I think I am scared to tell my OH about exactly how I feel in case he feels it is because of him.

Before I started this post, I thought the way I feel was all down to me and me only, maybe some of the external factors that are fighting my own general pessimistic view of life currently are having beginning to manifest themselves.

@Ellenisia you are so right to be careful of what you wish for. Apart from the emotional affair part you speak of (have you and your husband split as a result?) this exactly how I feel. Have you found any practical things to help you?

I guess congratulations to the one positive outcome in this to you losing weight however!

@surferjet you could very well be right. I guess I won’t know until I ask him! The thought of being without him makes me feel sick but it’d be no good us both feeling unhappy if a break and doing something out of the ordinary might be a way forward.

Gosh seeing that written down makes me very scared. It’s a situation I never had considered (the problem of me being so self absorbed by my selfish feelings). Thank you for giving me that line of thought....

My OH and I used to sit down at the beginning of each year and make some plans. We did have periods when life was a humdrum grind or filled with anxiety or frustration. Doing this was calming and pulled us together.
Some plans were for the same year, some longer term. It was an opportunity to reflect on whether our live were going in the direction we wanted. It might be a small thing like putting up a garden fence or planning a holiday. Or something bigger like living abroad for a year, planning to go part time in our 50s or getting a dog!
We did all of those things, by the way.

I think because we have quite young kids with Sen it makes it a lot worse and my dh isn’t adventurous at all! I like to travel and go new places but he’s not really interested.

I understand these feelings, my wife and I have had some real challenges in the last two years and have weathered them but it has changed our lives.
What helps me is looking at life in a different way.
Luckily I had an interest in more spiritual things before all the changes. I follow a Nature based path, and find being out in the countryside, in the garden, in a park, by the sea bring a comfort I was lacking in years past.
In addition I have become involved in politics at party level but also in anti-racist work. It really is life changing and has brought me good friends and new interests in life

Goddess alive, I sound so bloody earnest!
That's far from the truth, I have had so much fun, never laughed as much and felt such a part of something larger.

I think we get sold a lemon, several lemons it seems to me (as women) in our early socialisation.
We pick up on the overt and covert signals society sends us that happiness equates with good career/nice house/good husband/2.4 kids/plenty of everything including mind blowing sex, size ten figure and eternal youth!
Is it any wonder we end up bored to tears because nobody told us the truth about what it all means in reality... and on top of that...we've lost the recipe to make lemonade out of the bloody lemons.

Unless your DH is stopping you from doing things, then the boredom is "on you". As it were. Find a new hobby (or plural). New career. Travel. Volunteer. Maybe he would like to do one or more than one of those things with you!

Interesting thread.

Great if people have the financial security and career options to go travelling for a year etc.

Do I assume that they have massive savings accounts and family wealth to rely on and skill sets that give them options to return to work as it suits them?

How do they support themselves or their family when they're travelling for a year?

What about coming back and finding a job, or risking putting your current career in jeopardy?

Genuinely curious as to the circumstances and finances that must be required to just go travelling on a whim in your 40's

Sounds awesome, but not a practical or realistic option of so many who struggle to make ends meet at the best of times when both are in full time work.

If you mean me, no we didn't have money to go travelling for a year. We let our house, which covered the mortgage. My OH took a one year job overseas, I took a career break, and picked up part time work there. It was a great experience and we still feel the benefit.

I guess having children would restrict that option?

Also having the option of your husband having a job that permits overseas work.

Don't get me wrong, good for you, but I imagine it's not a viable option for many.

We took our 9 year old with us. We don't have fancy jobs but he was on short term contracts anyway and I was bored in my NHS job.

@pallasathena that sounds right!

I had the boredom conversation with my DP last week. He works away all week, but on a weekend he just wants to sit in front of the telly. I have to instigate and organise everything we do and I'd just like him to take me out sometimes.

I’m sitting here on a very pleasant afternoon and hearing on the radio that it is four months to Christmas. That got me thinking that means we are soon to start the same old annual merry go round starts towards the end of the year.

My point being, that all life seems to be is spending the weekends preparing for the week ahead (washing, shopping, looking after family etc), the weeks longing for the weekends, being told to plan for the next change of season, making plans for next year to be bigger and better than this one has been and before we know it, will be the August bank holiday 2019!

I should be grateful for being here and healthy and with very little worry (and I truly am grateful) but my current mind and mood just thinks boring!!!!!

As I’ve said so many times in this post, it all sounds so self indulgent but it’s the way I feel. Maybe I just need to switch on my fav music (as PP suggested), own it and get over myself. Just need to lose this big black cloud looming overhead first!!