Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you respond to a sibling who disowned your DC?

51 replies

Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 01:08

Many years ago when I was 15 or so I was accused by my cousins DM of being responsible for a fake Facebook account that was made in her daughters name. It was supposedly put up to take the piss out of her. I never saw the account so for all I know it may not even have existed. DM hasn't seen it neither has any other relatives who all say they believe me but don't want to get involved.

I absolutely did not do it, i would have admitted it by now if I had. I'm not a dishonest person. This is a decade long fued over complete bollocks.

I had no animosity towards my cousin who was one of my closest friends growing up. Cousins DM claims to have had proof i was responsible but refused to say what, she also rejected my offer to go to the police station together and have the matter investigated and dealt with.

Cousins DM refused to accept the possibility that anybody else could have taken umbrage with my cousin who had a long friends list half full of people she didn't know in person.

To this day (I'm 25 now) I've no idea why she believes it to be me but I've been effectively disowned since it happened, I can only hazard a guess that I've been accused because I was a bit of a shit when I was young (think answering back, being rude to DM who would complain to her siblings, disrespectful teenage phase) but i was never a malicious child.

I've been off the Christmas card list since then, aunt who previously loved me couldn't care less about my existence and doesn't wish me happy birthday, ask how I am, show an interest in my DC, ask after me when I was going through a traumatic time, refuses to speak to or about me whatsoever and when she does it is to spill bile about what a shitty person I am because of what I did to her DD.

I didn't.

It is though the neice she loved never existed and I'm some inconvenience to the family. It hurts to be thought of in such a way and accused of something I'd never have done, for years I've repeated the mantra that I've done nothing wrong to either of them and begged her to show me this so called proof. I get blanked.

DM has never let this (false) accusation come between her and her DS and has never batted an eye at the nasty treatment I've received ever since. "I'm not getting involved, but I do believe that you never did anything of the sort" is DMs response.

DM still thinks the sun shines out her arse and isn't phased that shes been treating me like shit for the past ten years for something I haven't done.

OP posts:
Southernstars · 24/08/2018 02:05

No loyalty at all from your DM or your cousin. This not wanting to get involved, I wonder how your DM would feel if she was accused of something she didn’t do by your aunt. Your DM is a nasty bitch just like her sister.

tenredthings · 24/08/2018 02:20

Reading your post I feel that maybe your aunt made the fb page herself to maybe get a message to her DD and is blaming you to protect herself.

MrsTerryPratchett · 24/08/2018 02:24

We aren't speaking to SIL because of issues she has. She's dragged all the kids into it.

I won't pretend nothing's happening. But equally, I don't expect FIL to deal with it. He loves her, she's his DD. He should love her unconditionally. And I think this could feasibly be MH related so I'll always try to be the bigger person. Leave the door open as long as it's not hurting you.

PinkAvocado · 24/08/2018 02:29

I’d be really hurt if I wasn’t supported by my DM, especially at the time. I know mine would have told her sister to stop being so poisonous and give proof or shut up.

tempester28 · 24/08/2018 02:39

Do you have any suspicion as to who set it up?

emmyrose2000 · 24/08/2018 03:27

Your aunt is obviously being unreasonable and beyond ridiculous, but I'd be more pissed off with my mother for not standing up for me/by me. Effectively by not taking sides, your mother HAS taken a side, and unfortunately it's not yours. I can't fathom her way of thinking.

If my sibling behaved the way your aunt has, I'd cut them off immediately. My loyalty would be to my child first and foremost.

Spikypants · 24/08/2018 03:57

Your mum absolutely should have stood up for you. It’s awful that she didn’t. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Your aunt sounds like a really nasty piece of work and your mum doesn’t sound much better.

youricloudisfull · 24/08/2018 04:03

I'd never let anyone treat my dc like that. I'm sorry your mum hasn't stood up for you. That's really shit op.

ASimpleLampoon · 24/08/2018 04:06

Sounds like you may be the family scapegoat. Is this a possibility.

Your mum needs to give her head a wobble. There is no way I'd allow anyone to treat my child that way, however old they were.

TacoFriday · 24/08/2018 04:08

What on earth did this FB account say that was so horrible and what reason did your aunt have for assuming it was you? Had you done something similar in the past that made her and your mother assume you were the most likely suspect without any other proof?

Ophelialovescats · 24/08/2018 08:39

How hurtful for you . The hurt could be reduced considerably if your mother supported you .
She believes you did not set up that account and yet won't speak up for you . Sorry to have to say but she is a weak person who doesn't want to rock the boat with her sister.
I would find it hard to respect her .

Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 09:47

I don't know for certain what the Facebook account said, I just know it was supposed to be to do with my cousin and wasn't very nice.

I've had my doubts whether it even exists, surely If somebody did that to your then 17 year old daughter you'd go to the police wouldn't you? Especially If you 'knew' who it was. You would surely print it off?

That side of the family are very well off whereas I was the pauper of the bunch and didn't have a very nice upbringing, crap house, hand me downs, sometimes not much food at home - perhaps she thought I was jealous? Again, I wasn't.

My DM has always thought the sun shone out of her arse and so did I until she did all of this.

I have my own theory's about the account to be honest. My cousin used to provoke very provocative picture's, it wouldn't take a lot for a disgruntled ex or a fake friend to turn spiteful.

I wouldn't expect anybody to cut her off completely but I would expect to be stuck up for given how these relatives claim to believe me

OP posts:
Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 09:57

*she used to post provocative picture I mean

After I was accused I went onto her Facebook to see If I could find anything out, whether she had posted anything about it and what struck me was the amount of "friends" she had from all different places, half of which she didn't know.

OP posts:
BreakWindandFire · 24/08/2018 09:57

Rather that assuming you were jealous, if you were the 'pauper' of the family maybe she wanted to cut you off and have her daughter associate with higher-income friends?

The fact that she refuses to produce the 'proof' is a bit of a red flag that she's lying.

I'm very sorry that your mother did not defend you. By not taking a side she's enabled your aunt to carry on with this nonsense for a decade.

Citylivingwithdogs · 24/08/2018 10:07

How did she get the FB account removed or taken down? Would this be easy without involving the police or could you just report it to FB.
Sounds made up to me in which case you are never going to get anyway with her. Maybe you should write to all involved expressing how sad you are to be accused of something as a child which has resulted in your being ostracised from that side of the family. I would also write to your mother telling her how let down you feel. If you write it down, you can’t be accused of saying anything you haven’t said.

HonkyWonkWoman · 24/08/2018 10:11

Bowejangles I'm so sorry that your Dm had not defended you to her "D"s.
But it's too late now, water under the bridge and nothing is going to change your "D"A's mind about the Facebook page, if there ever was one.
For whatever reason, she wanted you out of their lives, hurtful as it is, so I would try to get on with my life and ignore them.
If your Dm ever mentions them, stop her and tell her that you are not interested in them and to never mention them again.
I know you're hurt! Flowers. Some people are just shits! Angry

Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 10:18

I don't believe it ever happened to be honest, you'd definitely show the accused proof If you had some.

On the day I was accused I offered to go to the police station with her so she could make a report and give them whatever proof she had. I would have happily handed over my electronic devices so they could look into it, she flatly refused.

I've tried to speak to DM and other relatives about it all on a regular basis ever since. I'm always told that they believe me but won't get involved. It comes across that they don't care too much about my feelings, I'd have been happy with DM and her other sister merely telling her that she's out of line and should apologize. I never pushed for an all out feud.

What my DM doesn't realise is that by judging me her sister is also judging her, we are all products of our parents to some degree.

Christmas is upsetting watching other relatives meeting up with her for dinners and exchanging gifts meanwhile I'm left out and haven't had a card or a phone call for ten years.

My cousin never directly accused me, we stayed in touch for a few weeks after the accusation from her mum. When it was clear it wasn't going to be resolved I just removed her from social media and left her to it, I wasn't going to be accused again in future.

I also wondered whether my cousin did it all herself to get me in trouble, there was times when we were children that she'd be a bit mean but that thought never occurred to me at the time only years later

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 24/08/2018 10:20

She’s still telling all and sundry you did this thing? If you’ve got £100 or so to spare I’d consider a solicitor’s cease and desist letter. She can put that in her pipe and smoke it..

Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 10:25

She's still telling people I did it yes, usually only when my name is brought up but we're a small family so it happens often enough to piss me off.

I should have been over this years ago but I can't let it go its such a horrible accusation to make

OP posts:
Longtalljosie · 24/08/2018 10:26

You poor love. I teading your update, I think it’s very likely to be your cousin. Were you and your aunt close enough for your cousin to be jealous of your relationship with her mum?

Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 10:26

I've wanted to do a private lie detector test but I know her too well she will only say it has been faked or isn't accurate

OP posts:
Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 10:28

Me and aunt were never extremely close but she cared about me or so I thought

OP posts:
BathroomLights · 24/08/2018 11:00

I think I would walk away from them all, DM included. If they are happy to go to family events where the aunt is there and you are not welcomed, to me that says it all.

Original poster
Bowejangles · 24/08/2018 11:11

It agree it does

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 24/08/2018 11:21

I know this is easier said than done but try to put it all behind you.
You're only hurting yourself more by thinking about it all the time.
You can't change how any of them think about you.
You say that you have Dc! They love you and that is all that matters.
Make your own happy little family and ignore the rest of them.