How would you respond to a sibling who disowned your DC?

[Bowejangles]

Many years ago when I was 15 or so I was accused by my cousins DM of being responsible for a fake Facebook account that was made in her daughters name. It was supposedly put up to take the piss out of her. I never saw the account so for all I know it may not even have existed. DM hasn't seen it neither has any other relatives who all say they believe me but don't want to get involved.

I absolutely did not do it, i would have admitted it by now if I had. I'm not a dishonest person. This is a decade long fued over complete bollocks.

I had no animosity towards my cousin who was one of my closest friends growing up. Cousins DM claims to have had proof i was responsible but refused to say what, she also rejected my offer to go to the police station together and have the matter investigated and dealt with.

Cousins DM refused to accept the possibility that anybody else could have taken umbrage with my cousin who had a long friends list half full of people she didn't know in person.

To this day (I'm 25 now) I've no idea why she believes it to be me but I've been effectively disowned since it happened, I can only hazard a guess that I've been accused because I was a bit of a shit when I was young (think answering back, being rude to DM who would complain to her siblings, disrespectful teenage phase) but i was never a malicious child.

I've been off the Christmas card list since then, aunt who previously loved me couldn't care less about my existence and doesn't wish me happy birthday, ask how I am, show an interest in my DC, ask after me when I was going through a traumatic time, refuses to speak to or about me whatsoever and when she does it is to spill bile about what a shitty person I am because of what I did to her DD.

I didn't.

It is though the neice she loved never existed and I'm some inconvenience to the family. It hurts to be thought of in such a way and accused of something I'd never have done, for years I've repeated the mantra that I've done nothing wrong to either of them and begged her to show me this so called proof. I get blanked.

DM has never let this (false) accusation come between her and her DS and has never batted an eye at the nasty treatment I've received ever since. "I'm not getting involved, but I do believe that you never did anything of the sort" is DMs response.

DM still thinks the sun shines out her arse and isn't phased that shes been treating me like shit for the past ten years for something I haven't done.

This must sting like hell!
I'd like to think I'd be the bigger person and take the attitude that I don't want to spend time with people (aunt) who can be this spiteful. I wouldn't want to go to their crummy dinners etc.
But I'd be hurt enormously by DM. She's not put an end to this. Even if she's taking the 'not taking sides' stance, she should be stopping your aunt from keep raking this up. She should walk away whenever a bitchy comment is made, leave the dinner table, etc.
I'd forget the aunt. She's not nice, no loss to you. It sounds as though you're not in touch with the cousin (who I suspect knows more than she's letting on). No loss to you.
But I'd stop bring it up with DM. You're not going to change her now. She's shown you her true colours.
As hurtful as this is, I think I'd put some distance between you for a while.

I've wanted to do a private lie detector test but I know her too well she will only say it has been faked or isn't accurate

They're just pseudo-science and a waste of money. The point is she doesn't want you to be able to prove your innocence. She's enjoying victimizing you and having power over you.

And another thing, you're justifiably angry that you've been punished for a decade for something you didn't do.

But even if you had done it, the punishment would have been totally disproportionate. You're accused of taking the piss out of your cousin on social media aged 15, and your aunt has trashed you and damaged your family relations for ten years? Hell, if you'd murdered your cousin aged 15 you'd be reaching the end of your life sentence right now!

Not in touch with my cousin and haven't been for years, she was doing what DM and other relatives are doing "I dunno what's happened I'm not getting involved" even though its her who had apparently been aggrieved. Its always been her mum leading the witch hunt. I give up trying to have them in my life and be proved innocent but it does hurt

@BreakWindandFire exactly!

I think they just don't like me and want an excuse to justify it. There's family members who've done a lot worse than what I'm accused of and they've not been treat that way for so long.

Your mum absolutely should have stood up for you. It’s awful that she didn’t. I’m sorry this has happened to you. Your aunt sounds like a really nasty piece of work and your mum doesn’t sound much better.

^This. Also I believe your cousin set you up.

I think she probably did too, why else would she be so nonchalant about it? If she genuinely thought I'd done that it would have been her spitting feathers not her DM.

She was far too calm and impartial

Your aunt and mother have serious isdues and are pretty disgusting.

Your mother should have insisted on seeing this proof if it actually insisting both from loyalty to her dc and from the POV 'I'm mum if my dc has mucked up its down to me to come down on them hard'.

I suspect she knows there is no proof or find it easier to scapegoat you.

Every time she does not correct your aunt and family members, she is punishing you herself and saying she doesnt believe you.

What kind of mother tortures her dc like that? A poor one, no?

You do need to let this go for your own sanity. The truth is you are probably the victim of a messed up family dynamic that pre dates you, you only have to look at how your Mum is behaving.

Screw them, do you really want you and your DC to be part of a group who behave this way? Your Aunt has issues and your Mum and extended family are weak and spineless.

I know it hurts but you give them far too much power by still giving a shit.

Agree with the people who say I should try to put or behind me.

It is only since having my own children I've opened my eyes to how toxic my own family are.

If what they've done wasn't bad enough I was then given the silent treatment by DMs other DS because I asked her not to share anything further about me and my DC with the malicious aunt. Both aunts were meeting up for lunch and I kept being brought up, the aunt I have a relationship with was telling her sister all of my private business, my relationship difficulties and things to do with my DC which pissed me off.

But i'm being unkind.

Ugh what a collection of twisted fools OP. You are better off being very detached from them all, even your mum.

The only consolation is you haven’t lost a loving aunt (although I’m sure it feels like it, painfully) because no one that toxic would have been able to keep up a positive relationship, regardless of circumstance. This was always going to happen in one way or another.

Bunch of bastards. Focus on the people who love you, who you can trust.

A lot of those smiley family pictures don’t portray reality at all.

Twisted fools indeed!

You are all spot on in what you've said. Hearing these things from unbiased people reinstates the belief that I'm not the problem it is indeed them.

Unsurprisingly, DM has three AWOL brothers who have nothing to do with any of them

Either your Aunt or your cousin did this to cause trouble knowing your DM isn't loyal to you...or not caring about her either...leading to you being ignored.

Any normal decent mum would have asked to see the evidence and told her sister that unless she showed the evidence it was you she had to put a stop to the nasty rumour.

Does your DM behave like this because they are wealthy?

Honestly... is be more angry with my mum. I have sisters and daughters ...if they tried anything like this I'd cut them off.

Sadly..you have a dysfunctional family.

That's awful
Your DM should be telling toxic sister straight
I would be distancing myself from the lot of them
Cease and desist letter sounds good.

With my mum, she behaves like this with her DS because DS is the eldest. I don't think its about money for my mum but it is about the standing my aunt thinks she has

My grandparents have long passed and idiot aunt is now the eldest in the family so she's the self appointed 'matriarch' of the family

The age order doesn't matter. Standing by your child and defending them in the face of an unfounded allegation does.

Your Aunt behaved this way knowing your mum wasn't going to have your back.

Knowing your mum wasn't going to challenge her on it.

Knowing that if your mum did happen to defend you, she'd cut her off and not have a care in the world.

She also knew the rest of the family wouldn't speak up.

There's no way I would keep quiet if my elder Dsis accused one of the nieces if this..with no evidence and I wouldn't challenge her about it.

If anything such wild accusations should have your Aunt being the isolated one...but no..it's you. At 15 age did this. Totally shocking and dysfunctional.

Your DMs 'standing' in the eyes of her sister, is more important than you her DD.

Sounds like your DM seeks a form of validation from your Aunt and needs conditions of worth (as defined by Carl Rogers a famous psychologist) from her to be accepted.

She needs to behave in a certain way to gain acceptance and be seen in a positive light by your Aunt.

More often it's a parent who holds this place, as the one who was a primary carer in childhood.

I suspect issues in their upbringing plays a major part in this.

Its absolute bullshit what they do and get away with, oh the joys of being the black sheep!

My DM said she felt like the black sheep when they were all growing up, not going against her and being in her good books by remaining complicit is probably a response to that fact

I'm sorry but when people use the bullshit line about "Not taking sides or not getting involved" They already have taken sides and nothing you say will change their minds.

I would walk away from all of them, your mum the worse in the fact she never defending you and even years later so is allowing your aunt to continue her hate campaign against you.

What are they adding to your life now.

Sounds like you'd be better walking away from your mother and aunts, finding your long lost uncles and comparing notes. How are they with your DC?

I'm very close to going no contact with the lot of them

To answer the question what do they bring to my life.. Nothing much at all

DM is good with DC but can't always be relied upon as she does put other things before them. If she plans to see them and follows through she'll turn up 3 times out of 5 at best

The aunt I have a relationship with coos over them but nothing else, she doesn't have any children and doesn't know what to do with them other than the basics "ooooooh hello aren't you growing" and trying to give me parental advice when she knows the square route of nothing

I agree that by not taking sides they've done exactly that

Even if you had done it, you were a child and to treat someone like that for a decade is ridiculous!

Ignore them all. Don’t speak of it again. Keep ties with those close and ignore the dissenters. Aunt who coos is harmless, it’s annoying when they try to dish out advice but just smile and ignore. She may well be looking at her peers (your mother and aunt) and seeing how they went wrong with their accusations and disloyalty and trying to do better.

Walk away from the dysfunction. From anyone who doesn’t make you feel good. You tried. Give up now. No one else will remember the incident except if your aunt drags it up and if you downplay it (“is she still going on about that? She needs to see someone, a therapist maybe”) they’ll get tired of hearing it. Don’t defend yourself, just ignore. The less you make of it the more ridiculous it becomes. Even say “what page? Omg is she still talking about that? Is she ok?” Treat it like the ten year old bollocks it is whoever did it!

As for the fact your aunt is still going on about it, there was obviously something on the page that struck her right to their core. If it was talking about her daughter bring a slut because of the provocative pictures, it’s embarrassment but she’s taking it out on you instead if her daughter. Embarrassment is a very strong emotion. Maybe she’s denying her daughters behaviour by pretending it’s all lies.

@marants I agree with everything you've just said, although the aunt who coos is just as bad as DM and even more up the backside of the aunt who's made the accusations

Then cooing aunt gets low or no contact also then.

Yes that's exactly what I intend to do now. The overwhelming realisation that I'm better off without these people has hit me like a ton of bricks this past week with no specific event leading to a wake up call

It has been a gradual process over the years that I was oblivious to, until I had my own DC and realized I don't need them after all

Its sad in a way because I don't have anybody else but having nobody is better than having toxicity

Given your mum being the black sheep it sounds like your aunt had decided she hadd hurt her enough, sadly she probably grew bored given your mum kissed up to her instead of reacted.

So she turned her attentions to you instead. Spread a malicious lie to make you her new victim and went for you and everyone lapped up the drama and your upset. Your mother should have protected you but instead she was so grateful not to be bullied that she sold you out, her own child.

You are better off without them. Making a new family from friends may be better.