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Original poster

He's confessed feelings, but he's married. Why has he done this? And why is moving on so difficult?

61 replies

ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 16:34

I'm a regular poster but have name changed for this.

A couple of years ago I met a bloke with whom there was obvious chemistry. He turned out to be married. He messaged me and suggested at one point: "getting together for a coffee." I explained that I didn't feel that was appropriate given he was married and there was clearly an attraction. He accepted my no and that was that - there was no further contact.

Recently though, we have seen eachother a couple of times again in a social group setting. The attraction is still there but I assumed we were each clear about the boundaries. I certainly would never have approached him to discuss feelings, or acted in any way I felt crossed the line. But I figured enough time had passed for us to be able to be social as part of a group and it not have to be awkward.

And all seemed ok until he told me the last time we saw eachother that it was extremely rare for him to feel this kind of connection with someone, before kissing my cheek and running his hand lightly up my stomach in quite an intimate gesture. I just sort of didn't respond due to being completely taken aback. Mutual friends were milling about and he was taking a huge risk - anyone could have seen. I just turned away from him in shock and began talking to someone else.

The next day I sent a message telling him he was out of order and had crossed a line - that I had already told him a long time ago what the score was. He apologised profusely, said he took total responsibility, and reiterated that he felt we had the sort of connection that happens rarely. He said he had taken himself by surprise; that he hadn't planned on telling me how he felt; that he was confused.

We had a short back and forth in which I explained that having an affair was not something I was prepared to do, no matter what feelings were involved, because quite apart from his wife and kids, my own self image would not stand up to it. I don't want the pain of an affair, not for anyone else and certainly not for myself. I can't do it. It's a hard limit and I'm not going to change my mind. The last thing I said was that the only circumstances under which I would consider a relationship was if he was single, living separately, and a decent amount of time (at least a few months) had passed since he had moved out. He "replied" to this with a thumbs up sign.

Since then I have gone no contact. We're not friends and I'm not going to pretend we can exchange innocent chit chat. He hasn't attempted to contact me and I haven't contacted him. He used to engage with me on social media (liking all my Facebook posts etc) and that has completely stopped too. Fine, it's the right thing to do.

But I'm finding it terribly hard to move on. I'm obsessing, if I'm honest. I'm not going to contact him again as I feel strongly I need to now leave him alone to make his decisions and get on with his life, but I wish he would offer more information. I've so many unanswered questions. If it was just a quick shag on the side he was after and he thought I might be up for that, then why the intense confession of feelings? And if he really does have these feelings then what's his plan? Why doesn't he want to communicate with me? If he cares about me then why can't he do me the favour of saying that he's sorry, he shouldn't have said what he did, and what he wants to do is focus on his marriage. I would respect that.

Mutual friends say he is a decent man. He says he has never been unfaithful to anyone in his life - that he hates that kind of thing (he has been married 20 years.)

I don't want him to leave his family for me. But if he is genuinely unhappy (to be fair he has never said that he is or talked about his wife at all really) then I hope he would do the right thing by himself and everyone else and leave. Then perhaps in six months or so we might be able to see what could happen between us? If he was single, I would want to.

I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm in my early forties and feelings like this are rare - he is quite correct. I worry this is my last chance and blah blah blah. I wish I could just let it go and move on. I'm making myself miserable.

Help?

OP posts:
MysteriousQuinn · 23/08/2018 16:41

I really can understand how your feeling, that must be frustrating if you have a strong attraction to him.
But you have 100% done the right thing! It might be hard but at least you can hold your head high and say you have stuck by your morals.
Honestly I think that the best thing to do is try to get over him, try not to think about him. Imagine him as just some creepy, leery married guy that was trying to get in your knickers. You need to move on because he will probably never leave his wife anyway.

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 16:41

How would his friends know whether he'd been unfaithful or not?

It does seem to me that he was playing you. He was saying what you wanted to hear. You would have had a very different conversation if he intended to leave his wife for you.

Sometimes when you think your time is limited (last chance saloon etc) then your feelings for someone intensifies, even though it's not worth it. Don't be persuaded by the depth of your feelings - you actually don't know him well, though you might think you do.

Horsesforcourses23 · 23/08/2018 16:48

You have done a very good thing and I can bet not people in your situation with those feelings would have done the same, so you should be very proud of yourself.

IMO only, I think that the actual finality of it is probably playing a part and also the fact you were getting a little bit of attention. I genuinelly do not mean that in a bad way at all, its just he was talking and liking stuff and its all just stopped. I know from experience I can sort of not even be that interested in someone but when they stop I feel a bit hurt by it all.

Also there may have been a tiny little bit of hope on your part that maybe if he really was unhappy he would leave and you would have a future together. There is nothing wrong with that either.

I feel for you x

WasFatNowThin · 23/08/2018 16:48

Well done you for not getting into an affair, I wasn't as strong as you and the feelings just get worse as you get deeper into it.

Cloudyapples · 23/08/2018 16:49

A decent man does not tell another woman he is attracted to them when he is married - no matter how strong the ‘chemistry’.

SingingTunelessly · 23/08/2018 16:53

He’s a sleeze who was trying his luck. When you laid out your ground rules he realised it was a no-go situation so gave you the 👍 sign as a way of ending contact. Stop dramatising it and move on. Honestly you’ve had a lucky escape unlike his poor wife.

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 16:53

Thanks everyone. Horses what you said resonates. When people pull away they can become more interesting, for sure.

Cloudy you're right. He made a dick move. If it was my husband who had done that I would be devastated. It's just what people have said about him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 16:55

I would like to move on Singing. I'm not enjoying feeling unhappy. But for some reason I am finding it hard.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/08/2018 16:58

Have you posted this before? I've definitely read it before. Why are you posting again..?

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 17:01

No I haven't GreenFingers. I think I may have explained my situation in order to try and help someone on their own thread, but I haven't posted asking for advice before.

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 23/08/2018 17:01

Chippy, do you really think a married sleeze trying his luck is your ‘last chance’? It really isn’t. Hold onto your self-esteem.

Gingerlover2 · 23/08/2018 17:03

As much as it might not be pleasant to hear this, I suspect he's a chancer and has done this a few times over the years. The kiss and stroking is a classic move from an experienced cheater/player.

Kudos to you for doing the right thing and not continuing contact with him. The reason why he's gone cold is he tried, failed and is probably on to his next victim. If you keep this in mind you'll soon forget about him.

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 17:03

Oh I certainly intend to hold onto that Singing. It's all I've bloody got Grin

OP posts:
Cloudyapples · 23/08/2018 17:06

Actions speak louder than words - what people say about him doesn’t mean anything if his actions don’t match

PatMustardsHairyBaby · 23/08/2018 17:07

Have you posted about this before OP?

I'm sure I've already read this post, even down to the detail about the stomach stroke.

Littlechocola · 23/08/2018 17:10

You are a good person chippy.
I know that doesn’t really make you feel better but so many people in the same situation would forget their morals.

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 17:12

Oh dear, yes - have searched under a different username and I did. In the immediate aftermath of what I felt to be the inappropriate touching, I was confused as to how serious his transgression of the boundaries had been.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 17:14

Little I don't feel brilliant about myself tbh. I feel a stronger woman would slapped him or something, and wouldn't now be mooning about obsessing over it all. I feel confused and betrayed by my own feelings. But I know I don't want to have an affair. Not because I am a saint, but because I know it would end in tears (mine as well as his wifes.)

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 23/08/2018 17:24

‘Special connection’, that old chestnut. He was fishing and if you were up for it, he would cheat on his wife without a backwards glance. I suspect you are not the only one who he’s been waiting to bite, judge him on his actions and not on his bullshit.

Original poster
ChippyPickledEggs · 23/08/2018 17:39

But why do they do it Agent? He's chucked a mini grenade into the middle of my life (which was bimbling along quite nicely thanks until he came along.) He's risking a very long term marriage with an extremely attractive and interesting woman who appears to love the bones of him (yes I have snooped on Facebook, to my shame.) Why? In what universe is an orgasm with someone different worth all that? I just don't get it.

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 23/08/2018 17:47

Because he’s a saddo trying his luck for a cheap thrill Chippy. He sounds very practised at it from what you’ve described. He found you attractive, made it obvious to you and you turned him down because you want a real relationship. He thought “whatever too much like hard work for a shag which is all I really want” and moved on. Forget him.

Musti · 23/08/2018 17:55

He told you what he thought you wanted to hear to increase his chances of getting you in bed. Don't believe what he says, however flattering it is. Thank your starts that you're not with him and he's coming on to other women.

Shambu · 23/08/2018 17:57

And all seemed ok until he told me the last time we saw eachother that it was extremely rare for him to feel this kind of connection with someone, before kissing my cheek and running his hand lightly up my stomach in quite an intimate gesture.

These is how he gets business OP.

The confession of feelings etc is how he draws people in. I have no doubt he's done it before.

Namethecat · 23/08/2018 18:01

Tbh I think you are trying to justify your happy ending and the reality it is not with this man. Do the right thing and carry on with nc.

Gingerlover2 · 23/08/2018 18:02

Because some men do it for a thrill, mind you, just because his wife is attractive and interesting doesn't mean behind closed doors life is good.

His blatant disregard for the people around you and his inappropriate behaviour are not the actions of an unhappy man in a dead marriage who is struggling with his feelings for you, as I said earlier, it gave him a buzz, knowing you were excited too and he was having this effect on you. I imagine he's done this quite a bit and is always looking for a woman to flirt with to give him a thrill.

It awoke feelings in you and you felt wanted, we've all been there, but because you, unlike him, have a moral code, you told him to get lost. Which he did immediately. Had he genuinely wanted more he'd have continued to pursue you.