He's confessed feelings, but he's married. Why has he done this? And why is moving on so difficult?

[ChippyPickledEggs]

I'm a regular poster but have name changed for this.

A couple of years ago I met a bloke with whom there was obvious chemistry. He turned out to be married. He messaged me and suggested at one point: "getting together for a coffee." I explained that I didn't feel that was appropriate given he was married and there was clearly an attraction. He accepted my no and that was that - there was no further contact.

Recently though, we have seen eachother a couple of times again in a social group setting. The attraction is still there but I assumed we were each clear about the boundaries. I certainly would never have approached him to discuss feelings, or acted in any way I felt crossed the line. But I figured enough time had passed for us to be able to be social as part of a group and it not have to be awkward.

And all seemed ok until he told me the last time we saw eachother that it was extremely rare for him to feel this kind of connection with someone, before kissing my cheek and running his hand lightly up my stomach in quite an intimate gesture. I just sort of didn't respond due to being completely taken aback. Mutual friends were milling about and he was taking a huge risk - anyone could have seen. I just turned away from him in shock and began talking to someone else.

The next day I sent a message telling him he was out of order and had crossed a line - that I had already told him a long time ago what the score was. He apologised profusely, said he took total responsibility, and reiterated that he felt we had the sort of connection that happens rarely. He said he had taken himself by surprise; that he hadn't planned on telling me how he felt; that he was confused.

We had a short back and forth in which I explained that having an affair was not something I was prepared to do, no matter what feelings were involved, because quite apart from his wife and kids, my own self image would not stand up to it. I don't want the pain of an affair, not for anyone else and certainly not for myself. I can't do it. It's a hard limit and I'm not going to change my mind. The last thing I said was that the only circumstances under which I would consider a relationship was if he was single, living separately, and a decent amount of time (at least a few months) had passed since he had moved out. He "replied" to this with a thumbs up sign.

Since then I have gone no contact. We're not friends and I'm not going to pretend we can exchange innocent chit chat. He hasn't attempted to contact me and I haven't contacted him. He used to engage with me on social media (liking all my Facebook posts etc) and that has completely stopped too. Fine, it's the right thing to do.

But I'm finding it terribly hard to move on. I'm obsessing, if I'm honest. I'm not going to contact him again as I feel strongly I need to now leave him alone to make his decisions and get on with his life, but I wish he would offer more information. I've so many unanswered questions. If it was just a quick shag on the side he was after and he thought I might be up for that, then why the intense confession of feelings? And if he really does have these feelings then what's his plan? Why doesn't he want to communicate with me? If he cares about me then why can't he do me the favour of saying that he's sorry, he shouldn't have said what he did, and what he wants to do is focus on his marriage. I would respect that.

Mutual friends say he is a decent man. He says he has never been unfaithful to anyone in his life - that he hates that kind of thing (he has been married 20 years.)

I don't want him to leave his family for me. But if he is genuinely unhappy (to be fair he has never said that he is or talked about his wife at all really) then I hope he would do the right thing by himself and everyone else and leave. Then perhaps in six months or so we might be able to see what could happen between us? If he was single, I would want to.

I suppose I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'm in my early forties and feelings like this are rare - he is quite correct. I worry this is my last chance and blah blah blah. I wish I could just let it go and move on. I'm making myself miserable.

Help?

You have a viable pulse and are female...thus are a target for (edit descriptives) players like him.

You handeled it perfectly. Well done!

Perhaps your loneliness is causing you to draw out the mileage from this encounter. It is entertainment, even though it presents as sad tragedy.

When he bounces back again just tell him to “use someone else”. That’s the Luke Skywalker shot to the truth and you know any pontifical protestations to the contrary will just be lying lip service to get into your knickers. The only “special connection” for him is penis in vagina and then you won’t see him for dust. Nope.

Chippy I endured a very similar problem - sounds very familiar even down to the stomach stroking... wonder if it was the same man?! Like you I became obsessed, went NC but could not stop thinking about him/what had happened/WHY??!! For me, the solution is to accept that I’ll never understand. I don’t know what made him do that, whether he did just fancy a quick fuck or if it was really me that he wanted. I’ll never know. Acceptance of that is difficult and not a one time event, you have to commit every day to accepting the unknown.

And secondly I’d recommend focusing on you. Find your passions. Become consumed with what you love about your life. Disregard this fuckhead who has unsettled you so much. You will regain your equilibrium, you just need to be commited to regaining it via acceptance and focus on yourself.

Well those who predicted he would be back weren't wrong.

I received a message yesterday. Completely innocent, on the face of it, congratulating me on a special occasion. I've told him previously, and very clearly, that if he has nothing to offer me that is honourable and above board then he is to leave me alone. So I sent a flat "Thanks" back and that was all. Didn't ask how he was or give any opportunity to begin a conversation. We're not friends and I'm feeling much better and stronger now anyway. I'm not as bothered by his message as I might have been a couple of weeks ago. He just wants to keep his hand in. Well, I'm moving on.

Great update!

ok, well done.

NOW you block him.

He is a chancer and sensed that you are single, and in your 40s so therefore MUST be gagging for it. he's the same kind of sleaze that would be in there like a rat up a drainpipe if someone in his marriage circle split up, trying to get his leg over with someone who's desperate.

His message was testing the waters and you have responded. it would have been better to ignore. don't be so polite in future!

I think you like the guy more than you are ready to admit and deep down you may think how it would be if you were together. It’s normal to try and think of him as the bad guy as you may think it will help you get over him sooner.
I will share with you a different perspective as I had the same questions as you have. Why and how could they drop such a bomb into my life?
I’ve been with my partner a very long time, long enough to have teenage kids.
He cheated on me a very long time ago and getting over it was not easy. If anything extremely painful but time does heal. As I had managed to get over it and change other things in my life, and as I felt that my life was smooth sailing, nothing to worry about any longer, I developed a crush on someone. We never explicitely said anything to each other, but I tried as much as possible to stay away and not put my relationship through the same strain as it was years and years ago. I was trying to concentrate on the negative traits of my crush, and however many I would find nothing seemed to put me off. I was getting increasingly annoyed with myself. I am not the kind of person to keep my feelings hidden so my partner could sense something was going on.
Now you see, I was waiting for the other person to say something and probably they were waiting for the same thing from me. Maybe they felt they could not disturb my relationship and I felt they would say something as they seemed to take more initiative than me in getting closer.Eventually they found someone and as we were being pretty close as we were in contact almost every day I could not understand how they could develop another relationship at the same time without telling me about it. It did not feel good when you realise that you are kept as a back up plan when you try to get the message across to them to live their life.
We stopped contact and could still not get over the person. We met months later (nothing planned ) ,did not talk about us at all but could feel that the person had feelings left for me. That calmed me down as I thought I would be angry on the days prior to our meeting.
What I learned:
Time does heal, but it takes ages, literally
It is possible to care about two people at the same time
I felt sorry about my partner as I understood what he went through when and after he cheated( it sucks); wish I could have understood him more instead of being wrapped up in my own selfishness and thinking about how much I was hurting. He was hurting too, and he did not cheat because he felt like it; you just don’t chose who you love or get a crush on.
So you see, I was in both your shoes and yourguy’s shies as well. You have no idea how much I wanted to tell my crush how I felt, only because at that time I thought they would be the only people to understand what I was goin through, and because I thought I would free myself from all the anxiety and restlessness it was causing me. I wish I could have been as brave as your guy to blurt it all out, but I just couldn’t. Not to mention that my crush was increasingly angry with me for not wanting to say anything to them.
So you see, either way, confess or not confess ones feelings, it sucks for both parties.

I've been in your situation except it was an ex from 20 odd years ago. He threw a grenade into my very rocky marriage this time last year. I was like you and said no to a meeting in a hotel. It has taken me a full year to get over the obsessive feelings and I feel myself again. I would hope that his feelings were genuine but I'll never know. He has a gf and had no intention of rocking his cosy world. And I had no intention of having an affair or a quick shag. He's gotten the message loud and clear and backed off. It's been a really tough road and I've felt terrible at times but I am proud I turned him down (on numerous occasions) and walked away. Keep going OP

Thank you for taking the time to share your own experiences with me.

I was starting to feel much better. It had only been about a month and a half of obsessing over things and it was all starting to ease. I'd stuck entirely to no contact, was making effort to do lots of stuff, and breathing a sigh of relief that the worst was over and I was moving on.

Then this message. It's annoying. I should have completely ignored it, but I thought a flat and unengaging 'thanks' made me sound a lot less bothered than a complete stone wall. I would like it if some kind of civil relationship could be salavaged from this: we have mutual friends and will see eachother around.

I've never denied liking him but I'm not going to have an affair. So unless he becomes single then he has to leave me be. I'll get over it soon enough.

I think you've done the right thing too OP.

More than likely nothing will come of it. And would you truly want to anyway, with a man that is prepared to betray his wife like that. Like others have said, it'll have happened before for sure by the sounds of it. He's sad, lost and weak. Needing ego boosts because he's lacking.

Just seen your update OP. Well done. Glad you're feeling better.

100% you've done the right thing