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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do?>

51 replies

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 14:10

Hi Everyone,
Newbie here and need help.

Married for 5 years but together for 12. No children yet (fingers crossed)

Where do I start...

At the age of 34 I don't know what to do, im so unhappy in my relationship.

I'm going to keep this short.... and try not to babble.

Love my husband, he's my best friend but he wont give me decisions on children. He says he simply doesn't know.
Great wedding and honeymoon, fast forward an argument with my in-laws which I didn't start - things built up out of nothing and the fact I wouldn't move to be closer to them.

They were horrible to me and said some very personal comments regarding future plans ie having children etc.. husband didn't stick up for me. now we live a life where hes split in two.

Then something happened to a family member and he didn't think to return home for support.

Then to the past 18 months, FIL dies and now husband is heavily depressed.

He wanted children before and now he doesn't know, ever since the move didn't happen because of the argument he's been indecisive about our future but wants to be with me.
He told me recently that he may never know what he wants. And that leaves me in such a horrible position.

He's currently dealing with his indecisiveness and thought process thru cbt. but without hope am I in a sinking ship here, I feel like I have given time and been understanding.

But I have to live in a life where this is it?!!

Any ideas, is this over? x

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 23/08/2018 15:38

You haven't got much time to lose, I was told at 38 that my eggs were dramatically declining. Even if it took just another 2 years to change his mind your fertility is likely to drop quite a bit. Sounds like it's unlikely that he will change his mind, especially if he's the same age or older than you.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:03

He's 37. Just feel I have to end this, I still have time to start again.

Were going through counselling so I think best to talk with her about it

OP posts:

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:04

Just feel so sad as he's my best friend. But I cant not be a mum

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 16:08

It's one thing not having children (when you want them) because of fertility issues on either side, but quite another when (as far as you know) there are no issues, just a man who knows how much you want them and who is denying you that chance, knowing that you are quickly running out of time.

I'd cut my losses here, OP. At least by leaving you might kick start him into making a decision.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:13

Very true and I think about that a lot.

So in counselling the counsellor suggested we try an ultimatum. there were no rules just a yes or no to children.

He went along with it and then admitted a few weeks later he lied. I did tell him that if it was a no I would leave so there you go (rolls eyes) his claim is he still doesn't know

OP posts:

RyderWhiteSwan · 23/08/2018 16:17

He doesn't know - but you do. That is it, really.

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 16:18

Oh tell him to sod off. Having a baby can be fraught with difficulties and the last bloody thing you need is someone who's halfhearted.

Honestly, you've plenty of time now but soon you won't. Dump him and look for someone who shares your hopes and dreams.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:20

I have to leave don't I? just so hard when he's depressed and I don't like seeing him upset.

I will make an appointment though and talk it thru with a counsellor

OP posts:

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:21

Thanks lovelies!! I needed a shake up, things will be tough but I will get thru this

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 16:23

Well, if you think of it from his point of view, his depression may lift if he's not feeling pressurised into having a child. He clearly isn't ready for it, so maybe he'd suit someone who's equally indifferent.

You can't let his depression affect whether you have a child or not, though.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:30

Its more based around grief. Which I totally understand and there is no pressure for right now and also I will make this clear - no time limit either for the gried. I'm thinking of the future, that eventually we will have that.

I don't have hope

We've been together for 12 years, and nothing has changed - no mortgage/dog/child. were still in the same house we starting out in renting. And believe me not for the lack of trying

OP posts:

Original poster

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 16:32

*grief

effects us all differently and I totally understand that

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 16:37

It does affect us all differently but it seems as though he's completely stagnated, and did that well before he lost his dad.

The other thing is that his mum seems particularly nasty. That wouldn't be something that would make me want children with him.

lowtide · 23/08/2018 20:15

He does know.
Repeat that to yourself.
HE DOES KNOW.
he just doesn’t want you to leave, it’s fucking cruel and manipulation

Saying I don’t know, in reality means you’re not taking responsibility for how you really feel. Whatever his reasons for that (they may be very deep seated and not even his fault) he is being selfish.
And fuck me, you’ll despise him in the end. Trust me from someone who went through the same and almost certainly left it to late.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/08/2018 20:58

Run for the hills and don't look back. Every day you stay with him is just another day wasted. You have no entanglements that make it hard to leave so just do it.

MaryandMichael · 23/08/2018 21:02

Just go. There's nothing in your relationship that you want. Even if you go then don't get any children, you'll have tried, and you'll be better without the man who doesn't support you.

MaryandMichael · 23/08/2018 21:03

Don't fall for the 'sunk costs fallacy'. You've invested twelve years. Get out now and start working on your real life.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 30/08/2018 14:06

HI everyone, Just and update.

Went to counselling yesterday by myself and explained how lost I felt and unhappy and she said I really need to think of myself.
Which I already knew.

Spoke to him and maybe its depression but he still doesn't understand by saying. Who's being counselled here? and I thought If I got help and my mood improved then we can move on!!

Its control. He can control what we do with his depression

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/08/2018 15:02

He told me recently that he may never know what he wants
This is all you need to know.
And yes, you do have to think of yourself now.
And yes, you do need to leave.
You have time now but you won't for much longer.
Time for you.
Time to get out and find the future you crave.
You will never have it with this man.

Thebluedog · 30/08/2018 15:07

Instead of giving him and ultimatum, why don’t you give yourself one. Give yourself a time limit to resolve this with him.

I had one dc at age 34, which we conceived fairly quickly with, we tried again at 36, for two years and I was eventually told that my age and egg decline meant it was highly unlikely I’d have a second. We went on to adopt after that.

There’s nothing to say that you will meet someone else and have dc with him, or he’ll want to, or that you can. But there are also other options open to you on your own, that you can’t do if your dh won’t make his mind up. Mental health issues are horrid, but this is also your life too

Original poster

Lola1508 · 30/08/2018 15:28

Its just so heart-breaking. I feel like im on a roller-coaster, but yeah you are both right. I need to do this

OP posts:

lowtide · 30/08/2018 16:18

I will probably never have children I am too old because my ex had depression and couldn’t decide.
I left him in the end because I resented him and what he had done to us.
DO NOT be me.
Please, it’s heartbreaking.

Original poster

Lola1508 · 31/08/2018 09:41

So when I went home last nigh we had another conversation which ended with him crying about the past 18mnths ie losing his dad. He says he doesn't want to hurt me and make me the feel the way I do etc..
He wants to feel right in himself before he makes a decision??! so that could be years, months or weeks!

I took one of you lovely peeps advice and said I've given myself a 2 month ultimatum and if I don't see improvement in how he is with me im leaving. I mean in regards to our relationship the lack of emotion and love, this way he knows and can't question it. Also told him to properly think in that time. At least I know in my head its 2 months and I can start thinking of my next step so im not homeless etc... sounds like I know where its going. But I feel awful as he cried and broke down etc on me last night so not sure what to do.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 31/08/2018 10:48

as he cried and broke down etc on me last night so not sure what to do
And the manipulation kicks in!!!
So YOU ended up comforting HIM!??
He's good, I'll give him that!

Sciurus83 · 31/08/2018 10:53

He isn't listening to you. He doesn't have time, make that abundantly clear to him. He decides now, family or single. Please don't allow him to string this along until it's too late for you, only bitterness that way lies.

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