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Original poster

What do I do?>

51 replies

Lola1508 · 23/08/2018 14:10

Hi Everyone,
Newbie here and need help.

Married for 5 years but together for 12. No children yet (fingers crossed)

Where do I start...

At the age of 34 I don't know what to do, im so unhappy in my relationship.

I'm going to keep this short.... and try not to babble.

Love my husband, he's my best friend but he wont give me decisions on children. He says he simply doesn't know.
Great wedding and honeymoon, fast forward an argument with my in-laws which I didn't start - things built up out of nothing and the fact I wouldn't move to be closer to them.

They were horrible to me and said some very personal comments regarding future plans ie having children etc.. husband didn't stick up for me. now we live a life where hes split in two.

Then something happened to a family member and he didn't think to return home for support.

Then to the past 18 months, FIL dies and now husband is heavily depressed.

He wanted children before and now he doesn't know, ever since the move didn't happen because of the argument he's been indecisive about our future but wants to be with me.
He told me recently that he may never know what he wants. And that leaves me in such a horrible position.

He's currently dealing with his indecisiveness and thought process thru cbt. but without hope am I in a sinking ship here, I feel like I have given time and been understanding.

But I have to live in a life where this is it?!!

Any ideas, is this over? x

OP posts:
Original poster
Lola1508 · 31/08/2018 10:56

He is depressed, but I suppose it is a form of manipulation.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 31/08/2018 10:56

If you want a child, put that first. And that now probably means leaving.

Original poster
Lola1508 · 31/08/2018 11:01

Yes it does, in my gut I know is heading that way. But sadly I need to be prepared mentally and financially.

I know a lot might criticize my decisions but only I know him truly. Yes I've got to do what's best for me

OP posts:
RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 11:02

In two months time he can make the right noises but still no mortgage or baby.

He wants things to stay as they are. As they have been for twelve years. He has already lied to stop you doing what is best for you.

Stop talking to him about it. Start planning your exit. He is going to lay on all the manipulation. Be ready. You don't have time to dither for a couple of years while he cries and nothing actually changes.

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2018 11:04

You have to take 'don't know' as 'no'. In practical terms that's exactly what it is.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/08/2018 11:06

Gosh what a horrible position you’ve been put in. And make no mistake he has put you in this position.

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 11:06

Are you sure you know him truly?

Does this knowing take the form of if only he would do x/y/z then we'd be happy with a bucket of excuses of why he hasn't yet become the partner you hoped he would be despite your best efforts to work on the relationship?

In other words, are you in long term denial about his personality and goals because they aren't what you want them to be?

Talith · 31/08/2018 11:08

Please don't waste any more precious time being emotional vending machine for him.

There is a strong chance you hang on for a few years before finally throwing in the towel, being single when your fertility has waned. He may well then cheer up, lose the depression, start dating a woman 15 years younger and she'll be pregnant within months. Hmm

It's come up on these threads numerous times. The fresh start seems to have an invigorating effect on these men... you get one shot at having kids. Its brutal but that's the reality. Don't let him piss your prime years away.

Original poster
Lola1508 · 31/08/2018 11:10

Yes all true and totally agree, that's why the 2 months. I can plan my exit and just leave.

I have accepted it as that. It is a no.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lola1508 · 31/08/2018 11:20

It is a horrible position and m aware that's he's he reason. Just so difficult to walk away now. And it physically hurts too.

What if I NEVER meet anyone else, or have children anyways. So yeah its so horrible I cant cope with it.

You are all entitled to your opinions but when its harsh I know its coming from a good place but im not in a good place.

Thank you everyone. I'll be logging off shortly and dealing with it in due course ie 2 months. money in the bank and moving away stronger.

Thanks again
Lola x

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 31/08/2018 11:23

Good luck OP. Now you have a plan and are going to pursue what you want. I hope you get it. Flowers

dirtybadger · 31/08/2018 11:30

Start putting money aside now so that if you don't meet someone, etc, you have the option of going it alone.

RabbitsAreTasty · 31/08/2018 11:45

Better to be a single mother from a donor than in an unhappy marriage with a resentful man who feels he was tricked or pressured into having children.

Good luck. You can do it.

Original poster
Lola1508 · 21/09/2018 13:28

Just a little update. Not much has changed and I'm currently coming to the end of month 1.

The latest thing I notice is the lack of respect he has for this situation. I.e. not listening to me in the first place regarding my ultimatum ( I basically said to him in 2 months no change - i'm off. no arguments off byebye) I told him what I expect and he basically didn't listen to me.

Its SO frustrating and tbh I want out now but cant go back on my word now can I has half way thru this. Seeing the counsellor next week so I will air my feeling there

Lx

OP posts:
Original poster
Lola1508 · 21/09/2018 13:29

as only*

sorry grammar hurrendous

OP posts:
RivanQueen · 21/09/2018 13:43

Of course you can leave now if you feel it's the right thing to do. You don't need to stick to some arbitrary deadline that, as you have said, he hasn't listened to and respected anyway.
It's understandable if you're holding on to the 2 month deadline because leaving after so many years is scary but I think you need to feel the fear and do it anyway. Only you can change this situation, your DH is content with his bubble just the way it is. He's hoping at the end of the 2 months you'll still be there, just as you always have been, in the same house you've always been in, doing the same things you've always been doing, until your fertile years are long past and you feel like you might as well just stay forever now because it's always been this way.
Make the right decision for you OP, he's making his decisions just for him.

Doingreat · 21/09/2018 13:46

Op I wouldn't give him another month if I were. What's the outcome you are hoping for or the change that will come when the month is up?

I don't see your anger in all this. Aren't you angry with him for having wasted years and years of your life and fertile years?

He hasn't supported you against your in laws. How on earth is he your best friend? It may be correct to say you love him. But he certainly isn't your friend or supporter. Do you really want a baby with someone who doesn't have your back?

MrsGB2225 · 21/09/2018 13:48

Can you get your eggs frozen? Will buy you more time.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 21/09/2018 13:49

Of course you can change your mind, he's shown no interest in listening to your needs so either he's making a conscious decision to punish you, or nothing will change given another 4 weeks. Either way, this is not someone you would want to be the father of your children. Lt alone the fact that he changed his mind himself about wanting children or not. Unless he's a complete idiot he'll know that he literally has all the time in the world to make his mind up but that you as a woman do not.

Btw I'm yet another one of those women whose Ex couldn't decide whether he wanted children - I left him aged 35 (mainly for other reasons). I never went on to have kids in the end (luckily I wasn't too fussed about becoming a mother) but he became a father within a year of me leaving him. It's the same old script over and over again - don't let it happen to you.

Doingreat · 21/09/2018 13:50

I bet if you left him he would be having a baby with another woman before you know it. Men who say they don't want children more often than not go on to have them very soon with someone else.

Adora10 · 21/09/2018 13:57

What are you doing OP, you are still giving him all the control, you gave him 2 months, in 1 month nothing has changed, you now say i need to give him another month, are you actually mad because you sound it; get moving or stay and put up with a man that doesn't listen to you or care; sorry to be blunt but how more obvious can he make it.

Original poster
Lola1508 · 21/09/2018 14:11

I hear you guys.

I suppose I'm past the anger stage and maybe a bit deluded that he will have that realisation that I will leave.
I know the 2 month thing was a bit like giving back control but as I said previously I need to save selfishly and get my head around giving up on the relationship. I wont let him mess around with my fertility...HELL NO!! and you are right... the disrespect and not sticking up for me destroyed the relationship but its hard when you live together and it naturally falls back to where it used to be. Also I do sympathise as hes depressed and I suppose I AM too as I feel completely overwhelmed here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lola1508 · 21/09/2018 14:13

When I say best friend- Maybe I do what a lot of ladies/gents do that post and think back to happier times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lola1508 · 26/09/2018 13:35

OMG I think I've gone and done it. The pressure has been building since more talks over the weekend and I've erupted over txt.

Basically I said it was time to walk away from it. Told him that I'm so unhappy and things will never change, that if loved me he would give me answers.

............no reply surprise surprise, As he's not next to me to cry and make me feel bad for asking.
I do understand he's depressed but I'm so miserable and there is panic in me that this is all were have. He never fills me with positives about our future.

OP posts:
Olderbyaminute · 07/10/2018 15:19

You aren’t unreasonable able-what Ge is doing is passive aggressive mind games! Twelve years and you haven’t got a home or children,etc! The grief in 18 months is just another game he’s using akin to rearranging the deck chairs on the titanic! I’d hes made no effort to change at all then leave!

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