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Original poster

Rattled by wife's former sex life

41 replies

Mynamemuseisawol · 23/08/2018 12:54

I'm not sure how to write about this. I am unsettled by something she said about her past sex life.

Some background: We are longterm married (30+ years), we cooperate and communicate well. We have never exactly felt love for each other but plenty of caring and kindness. We make a good team. The sex is ok now but has been very poor when the children were young. I am missing psychological intimacy, and she has little to talk about, rarely initiates a conversation on matters other than admin. I am a talker. She is a doer.

The incident. She told a story to a dinner guest, which I have overheard several times before. Drink had been taken this night. When she was in her 20s she lived in a foreign country and once she had dinner with a wealthy friend of a friend in an isolated place. The only other people present were his servants. We were on a break at the time so fidelity was not an issue. She has said each time that nothing happened. Then this time, she added a footnote: "Though if he had wanted to, I probably would have. I did with some others in that part of the world".

I feel unsettled and confused by my reactions. I did not sleep for a couple of days and feel a weight in my chest and stomach. My thoughts keep returning to these words during the day. It is consistent with something else she said a few months ago out of the blue as we were going to sleep: "I had a tendency to go to bed with men readily". I didn't follow up as I didn't think it would be the best time to get an honest conversation going. I am planning to talk to her about my reactions to this latest incident soon when we get a suitable time over the next few days.

I am wondering how much else is she keeping from me and is the effort involved interfering with her ability to be intimate (not the sexual kind - more the sharing deep or funny or odd or personal thoughts) with me. Is it also interfering with her ability to be spontaneous and playful? I think she may have had a difficult relationship before me that has taught her to be wary of sharing too much, but I am guessing.

What are my reactions? A confusing mixture. Jealousy. Envy of her partners. Hurt? By what? Regret that I missed out on similar experiences. A sense that I got the short end of the deal (not easy casual sex, not sex with closeness, not intimacy without sex, not love). Shock at learning only now that her attitude to sex was so casual. How much is she pretending or trying not to cause offence vs being honest in our day to day dealings? Is she is on guard all the time? Am I only getting a part of her that she considers "safe"? What else is there to learn about her that I don't know yet? I'd like to think that with time to adjust, I could accept whatever she has done but it I accept it is a risk I may not. The opportunity is closeness and I have experienced it with at least one other in my youth, so I know it is possible and rewarding. In fact, I thought it was the norm. I am desperate for that again.

What do I want now? Firstly to understand what my reaction is and why it is so strong. Then to know her better so she feels less need to withhold or be guarded, which I hope may lead to more intimacy and spontaneity. I would welcome any words of wisdom.

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 23/08/2018 13:15

She was single and in her 20's. Just stop and put it into perspective. Has she ever given you any cause to doubt her fidelity to you in your relationship?

It isn't easy to realise that you don't know everything about your long term partner but everyone has a past and we don't have to reveal everything if it isn't relevant.

Branleuse · 23/08/2018 13:18

30+ years where you say neither of you really love the other and never have. How depressing

Flashingbeacon · 23/08/2018 13:26

Why are you married to someone you don’t love?

Seems this story isn’t so much about sex with someone else so much as they had fun and it’s been bloody ages since you had fun. Your spouse knows how to be fun and exciting but just discusses admin with you. Sounds crap.

Slowtrain2dawn · 23/08/2018 13:31

I would keep the feelings about her past quiet for now, and concentrate on the here and now. Talk to her about you’d like the reLationship to be and invite her to do the same. Don’t ask her to change, ask her whether she thinks couple counselling might help you both be happier together?

GummyGoddess · 23/08/2018 13:32

Do you have an arranged marriage? I'm not sure why else you would have married each other if not in love?

Thingsdogetbetter · 23/08/2018 13:46

For some people sexual intimacy, good or bad, is a lot easier than emotional intimacy. Just because she 'readily' had sex with other men doesn't mean she's different with you. She was probably as guarded with them as she is with you.

You say it's not love on either side, but you expect her to be emotionally sexually intimate with you, a man she doesn't love and who doesn't love her? You want the intimacy and playfulness of love, but say you don't love her?

And after 30 years this only became a major issue when you found out about her previous sex life. But you think this is about just intimacy?

Perhaps she's on guard the whole time because she knows you don't love her and feel like you have settled.

cakecakecheese · 23/08/2018 13:50

Does it really matter what she got up to in the dim and distant past? What matters is the here and now and that's not sounding great..

forumdonkey · 23/08/2018 13:59

No wonder she can't speak to you if this is your reaction after 30 years!! You say it's about emotional intimacy but you are focused that slept with others. Just because you are married to her why does she have to speak to you about previous sexual encounters when you were not together? Have you discussed them with her and more importantly does she even want to know?!

LadyLapsang · 23/08/2018 14:02

Does she really have little to talk about or little that interests you or that you consider important? You say there is good communication between you but it sounds like a business type arrangement which is not so uncommon in a long marriage. Maybe you could go to couples counselling but it may open a can of worms.

Belina · 23/08/2018 14:04

everyone has a past

MMmomDD · 23/08/2018 14:14

Why this immediate assumption of come coverup, being on guard, or hiding something????
People change as they grow up.
Casual sex in the 20s, is often followed by growing up and settling down, kids, etc.

OP - I think the issue is more you and, maybe a bit of a midlife crisis?
You’ve lived a long life of duty and partnership in a marriag not based on love and the kind of closeness you are craving.
And now you are wondering if you’ll ever have it. And if you can have it with your W or is there time to find someone else?

Changedname220 · 23/08/2018 14:21

Your worrying about this 30 years down the line
Sorry you sound like an absolute drama queen and no wonder she doesn’t communicate if you make everything into a massive production. Leave the woman alone. It was half a lifetime ago.

sheepsheep · 23/08/2018 14:21

Firstly you sound pious.

Secondly, you are not required to have a reaction or question what you want based on information about how she spent her time before she was with you.

If you don't want to stay in the marriage, don't. Just don't dress it up as her fault.

I think the problems in your marriage are elsewhere, and you are choosing to focus on the one thing that absolves you of responsibility for them.

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 23/08/2018 14:49

Blimey, kick a man when he's down!

It happened 30+ years ago for her but he has only just found out abut it now and so is processing his feelings about it now.

NadiaLeon · 23/08/2018 14:54

How awful she has been lying and keeping secrets. When the trust has gone, the relationship has gone too. I'm so sorry OP.

MaisyPops · 23/08/2018 14:57

You can't judge what she did when younger and free. It's up to her who she slept with and when.

That said, it does seem like there's some issues of intimacy and emotional closeness between you that might be worth exploring further. Maybe I'm way off the mark here but I don't think some sex decades ago is the issue. I think the sex story has highlighted current issues in your relationship.

Bluntness100 · 23/08/2018 14:59

You write like it's some sort of weird creative amateur writing thing, it's odd.

Thirty plus years, you've never loved each other, that's why the sex is shite.

Why did you ever get married to each other?

LadyLapsang · 23/08/2018 15:02

What would your DW say if she posted? I have been married three decades to a man who doesn't love me. He thinks I don't have much to say for myself, sex is merely ok and he got the short end of the straw. Now he is focussed on something that happened before we were married and wants to make it all about him. No wonder I don't say much.

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 15:02

Does it really matter who she had sex with before she met you? I don’t understand why this is a big deal at all. Most people’s spouses will have had sex with others before meeting and getting settled with them, it’s the 21st century...

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/08/2018 15:05

You say you want her to share her deeper feelings and experiences with you. She started to the other night by mentioning that she used to go to bed readily with others. You ignored it and turned away.

Maybe you aren’t as open as you think you are?

It doesn’t matter what happened years ago when she was single.

SirVixofVixHall · 23/08/2018 15:24

I agree with Flashingbeacon.
Why are you with someone you don’t love ? I would end things and find someone who you adore and who feels the same about you.

Mrsmadevans · 23/08/2018 15:28

'You write like it's some sort of weird creative amateur writing thing, it's odd.'
Bluntness100 l totally agree

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 23/08/2018 15:29

There's not much hope of more emotional intimacy here! Your message says it all. You don't love each other in an intimate and emotional way, and most importantly never did. I would imagine these are feelings about your lost youth, realising a huge chunk of your life has passed and can't be relived, decisions which seemed ok at the time can't be remade etc so you're looking at what you're left with and trying to fashion it into something it never was.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 23/08/2018 15:30

Hmmmm does sound a bit creative.

Changedname220 · 23/08/2018 15:56

You want her to share all this ?
Why? It’s clearly painful for you !
Or is it some sexual thing where you want her to tell you about other men to rev up something inside you. Either way I stand by the original comments . You sound melodramatic in the extreme