Rattled by wife's former sex life

[Mynamemuseisawol]

I'm not sure how to write about this. I am unsettled by something she said about her past sex life.

Some background: We are longterm married (30+ years), we cooperate and communicate well. We have never exactly felt love for each other but plenty of caring and kindness. We make a good team. The sex is ok now but has been very poor when the children were young. I am missing psychological intimacy, and she has little to talk about, rarely initiates a conversation on matters other than admin. I am a talker. She is a doer.

The incident. She told a story to a dinner guest, which I have overheard several times before. Drink had been taken this night. When she was in her 20s she lived in a foreign country and once she had dinner with a wealthy friend of a friend in an isolated place. The only other people present were his servants. We were on a break at the time so fidelity was not an issue. She has said each time that nothing happened. Then this time, she added a footnote: "Though if he had wanted to, I probably would have. I did with some others in that part of the world".

I feel unsettled and confused by my reactions. I did not sleep for a couple of days and feel a weight in my chest and stomach. My thoughts keep returning to these words during the day. It is consistent with something else she said a few months ago out of the blue as we were going to sleep: "I had a tendency to go to bed with men readily". I didn't follow up as I didn't think it would be the best time to get an honest conversation going. I am planning to talk to her about my reactions to this latest incident soon when we get a suitable time over the next few days.

I am wondering how much else is she keeping from me and is the effort involved interfering with her ability to be intimate (not the sexual kind - more the sharing deep or funny or odd or personal thoughts) with me. Is it also interfering with her ability to be spontaneous and playful? I think she may have had a difficult relationship before me that has taught her to be wary of sharing too much, but I am guessing.

What are my reactions? A confusing mixture. Jealousy. Envy of her partners. Hurt? By what? Regret that I missed out on similar experiences. A sense that I got the short end of the deal (not easy casual sex, not sex with closeness, not intimacy without sex, not love). Shock at learning only now that her attitude to sex was so casual. How much is she pretending or trying not to cause offence vs being honest in our day to day dealings? Is she is on guard all the time? Am I only getting a part of her that she considers "safe"? What else is there to learn about her that I don't know yet? I'd like to think that with time to adjust, I could accept whatever she has done but it I accept it is a risk I may not. The opportunity is closeness and I have experienced it with at least one other in my youth, so I know it is possible and rewarding. In fact, I thought it was the norm. I am desperate for that again.

What do I want now? Firstly to understand what my reaction is and why it is so strong. Then to know her better so she feels less need to withhold or be guarded, which I hope may lead to more intimacy and spontaneity. I would welcome any words of wisdom.

The past is the past, leave it there. Perhaps advise her to be less loose tongued after drink! You do love eachother even if you don't call it that.

Plenty of people have indifferent sex lives when bringing up kids, it's normal. May improve later when there is more time and space but in any case there's more to a relationship than sex.

It is though isn't it? It's like an amateur writer trying the summary for their first novel. And not very well either.

She has lied and betrayed him. That is unforgivable.

Maybe you should watch "Eyes wide shut" if you haven't seen it already. It's similar situation: a husband feels hurt when the wife says she would have gone further if she were to live her life again.

I think you must be in the first stage of reaction, feeling somewhat sickened, as if punched in the stomach, and threatened. That's usually the first reaction anyway to anything of the kind. But later on it will subside and a more rational understanding will crystallise: that she hasn't cheated on you, that you have a marriage which works, that this incident in in a long gone past.

Also, you might realise that when people are having a guest around, relaxing with them, had a bot t drink, they tend to muse and ruminate on the thing which have no immediate relevance in their present.

I think you'll be fine, OP. Just give it some time. After all, nothing awful happened. It's her PAST. Her present, and has been for 30 years, is you.

what bluntness said

How has she betrayed him NadiaLeon?

The op has said that they were on a break, for God's sake.

What was the OP doing on the same break? That’s not mentioned

Communication doesn’t appear to be your strong point either and your feelings of jealousy, ‘missing out’ on experiences of your own, feelings of being cheated out of experiences with your wife, says an awful lot about you.

There’s an accusatory tone to your response and I think it would be very unfair of you to expect your wife to take responsibility for your feelings, especially when the snippets of these events pre-dated your relationship and happened so long ago.

There is a reason for the strength of your reaction and the grown up thing to do is to explore their origin, rather than point the finger at your wife. Maybe the snippets of events in your wife’s past have connected itself and triggered something in your past?

To quote Micheal Jackson, you need to ‘start with the man in the mirror’.

So you're upset that she didn't sleep with someone that she could have?
That she slept with people when she was young and single?
Didn't you?

I don't understand why you married, and remained married for 30 years if you've never loved or been candid with one another.

Natalie- where has she lied?

Are you secretly living in a Victorian novel?

Sounds like you have seen a glimpse of a woman you have never known but would quite like to have met.

That would be pretty demoralising after 30 years.

That said did you get married because you were both making the best out of a bad lot??

What has her past sex life got to do with you though? Especially, if it was 30 years ago and either before you or while you were split up. You sound weird.

Jesus, this sounds like hell. Screw what she did 30 years ago, neither of you are happy now. Life is too short to play it safe when you could be reaching for real happiness.

So the plan is to just wait the clock down like two exhausted zombies until you die? Leave. You aren't compatible so you should both find someone you can be compatible with. I think your subconscious is getting stuck on something of zero consequence because you've had it and are looking for a reason to leave.

Thanks for the comments. Not comfortable reading. Wherearemymarbles touched on something that rang true.

I did have that chat with her. Probably just a start. She said she didn't remember saying the thing about readily going to bed with men so I did not think that was worth discussing just now. The other comment that she "probably would have", she said was the first time that that had thought had crossed her mind. For some reason, that felt much better than thinking she thought it each time she told the story.

She confirmed that one of her previous relationships taught her painfully that it is safer to share less. He wasn't able to handle hearing about her previous lovers. So her privacy settings are now probably on the high side. Also she lost her mother when she was aged 13 and decided not to grieve at the time. Sadly, she has not finished grieving yet, despite some psychotherapy, and mostly is able to compartmentalise it, at a price. Both events are probably interfering with her ability to be intimate.

We have done two lots of couple counselling with marginal results. As a way of moving forward, we agreed that she would try to be less censoring and more open with her thoughts, and I would try to better manage any reactions I may have. And we'll see what happens.

You are taking a battering OP. I sympathize to an extent. What happened before should have stayed in the past. If it has been brought into the present by comments and it actions it can shake you as your vision of what has gone on before, and of what she is now may change. Openness and honesty from both sides is required. For example it shook me when my wife admitted that a male friend of hers from before I met her, and that I had met and socialised with several times, who was the go-to male friend for advice when I was away on trips, had been much more than a friend when she was young. What happened in the past is in the past, but when I find out they had a full on sexual relationship and are still close, it does make one think differently. You need to talk and decide honestly what you want and how ( or if) to go forward. However, if you want answers you must be prepared to accept them without judgement. That's the hard part. Good luck.

If her sexual history rattles you, why do you want to know more? You don’t need to know everything.

Wouldn’t it be better to give her the gift of privacy, especially when she has shown a personal value for that privacy over these many decades? That she can share with others but not you is an ouch. But given your reaction, perhaps her gut feeling to be discrete was an accurate choice.

Or perhaps it is not about the sex really; but the fact she can easily divulge these private carnal tidbits socially with people other than yourself? Does that bother you for not being in this sort of inner circle of historic intimate chitchat?