Overreacting?

[Josie2014]

Last night I hit my ohs water out of his hand by mistake. I meant to just bump it, messing around but it spelt on the floor; I immediately apologised. He pulled my trouser down and punched me three times in the leg, only lightly though. I didn't do anything back.

I followed him upstairs - all fine at this point, still all in humour. As I got to the top he came out from the bathroom doorway and hit me on the head with a shin pad a few times out of nowhere and it hurt a bit. I complained, told him it hurt and he told me I was 'sulking again' and went to have his bath. I came downstairs upset. I went back and explained I didn't like it, and not to hit me 'playfully' as I worry it could lead to something worse.

He said sorry but It was my fault because I 'attacked' him lol, I was only messing around and didn't mean to spill the water. I felt intimidated but maybe I'm just being silly, over sensitive and easily intimidated in all fairness. He's sulky today and slept on the settee. Now I feel stupid but it just made me uncomfortable. The reaction afterwards more so to be honest. Is it immaturity?

Just needed to get it off my chest, am I being stupid?

Forget the immaturity it's ABUSE!

Sounds like you're underreacting OP.

He pulled your trousers down and punched you three times on your leg? Wow. That is abusive, I'm so sorry. The hitting you over the head with no warning is simply scary.
It sounds like you are trying to make it sound silly and jokey but he went too far. And now is sulking?
You need to leave, it will only get worse.

Are you married? Do you live together?

He hit you
He's abusive
Don't minimise this

Bloody hell:(

As those above said. This is a red flag.

He just sees it as playfighting and I suppose it was. It was the shin pad that upset me. We're not married, live together and have a baby daughter and my son from a previous relationship. The house is mine though.

Have you play-fought before?

I agree with others, he is abusive.

That's not play fighting! He has crossed the line OP. He acted aggressively. Play fighting would have been tickling you when you spilled his drink, for example. Not pulling down your pants! That in itself is a humiliating act.

Can you ask him to leave? Even if it's only for a few days so you have time to think.

What if he was testing you, to see how you'd react if he hurt you?

No not hitting, just normal messing around. He hurt me a couple of weeks ago though and I actually shouted at him, told him it hurt and to show some respect, but he doesn't care. I don't think he realises his own strength sometimes, I just wish he'd apologize like a normal person instead of dismissing me and making me feel stupid.

He totally knows his own strength. He's not an idiot . He just doesn't care that he hurts you! He doesn't apologise because he doesn't care and sees nothing wrong with hurting you. He doesn't apologise because he's not a normal person. He dismisses you because he thinks he has a right to hurt you.

He's hurt you before. You told him and it's made no difference because he wants to hurt you. Now it's happened again, and he's sulking because you are not putting up and shutting up. He's expecting you to apologise for 'over reacting' to try and make everything 'normal' again. He's training you.

I know for a fact, If I bring it up now it will just turn into an argument and I'll be dismissed as over sensitive, argumentative etc. He was silent this morning but I'm making him talk and being civil because the children are here.

He'd been perfect for a couple of weeks up until a few days ago. I was sick and he got angry because I asked him to help (put son to bed), I was furious with him. He had loads to do after work so I know it's stressful but I felt so dreadful and I'd had the children all day. I'm not superwoman.

I like to talk things through, he will appear to acknowledge what I'm saying, came home with flowers. but the next day he'll make comments/ jokes afterwards..he commented that I make out like I make out he does nothing and that's why he lost his temper. He acted appalling I think, but it ends up being my fault in his mind.

So much has happened tbh, I couldn't write it all on here. He does do a lot, housework, hands on with the children. But as I explained to him, I work hard during the day - children, housework etc, I make myself ill because I push myself to much. When he gets in sometimes I've only been sat down 10 minutes.

Sorry for waffling lol but it's really helping me to write it down.

"If you ever hit me again this relationship is over." Repeat. Be a stuck record.

It's like saying "no" to a whingeing toddler. Don't enter into a discussion, don't deviate from a clear message. Ignore sulking. You're in the right. If he can't deal with that simple statement then he's not worth your time.

Thank you

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Your relationship with him should now be over and it is over really. What else has happened to you in the time you've been with him here?.

The sulking from him today is really another form of abuse here, this time emotional abuse. The process of training you to accept all this from him is ongoing. Did you grow up seeing similar from men around you?.

How is he as well hands on with the children when he got angry with you the other day for asking him for assistance with putting his son to bed?. He is not.

You have a choice re this man Josie; your children do not. Is this the sort of household you want them to be growing up in, a household where their dad abuses you as their mother?. They will see your reactions both spoken and unspoken and pick up on all the vibes here.

You are in an abusive relationship with this man, his actions are all about power and control and he wants absolute here. Womens Aid are well worth contacting here and you can talk to them too on 0808 2000 247.

The issues have been lack of empathy, consideration, selfishness, not apologising or taking responsibility when he was in the wrong- in a nutshell. I told him when we argue I feel broken and that the arguments have made me depressed. We used to go days without talking after silly arguments and it was so painful. I'd feel terrible if I upset someone I loved. It has been a tough year, we'd been together 5 minutes before I got pregnant.

I'm going back to work in a couple of weeks, I don't know what to do.

He's cleaning my car now, I suppose that is to make me feel bad. Look at everything i do for you and you're being so nasty to me.

A couple of weeks ago I was seriously on the verge of ending it. But then he was perfect and pulled it back, until now.

He tells me I'm controlling, over sensitive etc. I'm the bad one, he's the victim in all this. Nothing is ever his fault. I always apologize if I'm out of line and talk it through. He can't seem to do that.

Last night after the incident he commented that he'd pay for me to see someone, because I'm such a nightmare basically..

Christ

Read THIS THREAD

Get and read THIS BOOK

Google - Narcissists and narcissistic personality disorder.
Also Google 'gaslighting abuse' and 'stonewalling abuse'

Phone Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and let them tell you about this behaviour.
It's physical violence.
It's abusive.
It's done to put you in your place.
It's bullying and it's controlling.
When you speak to them ask about their Freedom Programme and do it as soon as you can.

HE needs to see someone. Not you.
YOU need to get away from this vile bully and you need to do it fast.

He's a cocklodging abusive bastard. Get rid of him.

And yes..... All abusers say it's YOU who is the abuser etc....
Don't listen to any of that. It's not true.
While you are googling look up 'the cycle of abuse' and also 'abusive Jekyl & Hyde'

Your partner is abusive I'm sorry to say. Take a look at the cycle of abuse and I expect you'll see what you haven't been able to recognise before now. Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, I think you'll see a lot of your OH's behaviour in there. He doesn't care if he's hurting you he's made that perfectly clear, it's all about what he wants, his control and power over you. The pulling down your pants to hit you made me shudder, he's done that to not only hurt you but to humiliate you. Don't ever minimise someone hitting you, if a friend told you their OH had done this to them what would you say to them? Please see this for what it is and get some help. Speak to Women's Aid and tell people close to you in RL.
for you Josie, I hope you can see this for what it is and get yourself and your DC's out of there pronto.

Thank you ☺️. I'm so glad I've been able to post here. I felt like I was going crazy. I did try talking to someone at the mental health unit and she referred for 1-1 counseling but when I went the lady talked to me for 5 and pushed me for mindfulness group classes to cope with stress instead. I feel like no one wants to help. I should have stood my ground and insisted on counseling.

I'm going back to work after the summer holidays. My son will be in school full time but what would I do about my daughter? If she goes to nursery full time I'll be looking at £1000 odd bill for the month which would have to come out of dwindling savings. Being on maternity has been a strain financially. I only have my dad and he'll have my son after school as it is, he can't cope with two.

I'm aware I can claim tax credits, I'm familiar with the process. Childcare is my biggest concern, I need to keep my job secure. She's still waking for night feeds as well. My job requires a lot of focus although my boss is very understanding about the joys of babies lol.

There's still a voice in my head telling me I'm stupid, mad, a nightmare, over sensitive. I am sensitive and I do overthink. I've always been that way.

It feels like such a mess.

Do you feel he violently abused you OP? If not, then I'd ignore the others who are telling you to leave him. If yes, take their advice.

Thank you. Oh not violently. The shin pad hurt though and I obviously wasn't expecting it. It was the reaction afterwards that worries me more. I'm worried, as I said to him, that it could be the start of something progressively getting worse. It's just a bit intimidating.

Fucking hell.
Kick the bastard out.
He knows when he pushes you too far and reverts back to mr nice guy.
He’s an avusive violent bully.

*abusive.

he doesn't know his own strength

Of course he does. He uses it just enough so that he can hurt you but still make you doubt yourself

Have a think about what kind of person that makes him