Overreacting?

[Josie2014]

Last night I hit my ohs water out of his hand by mistake. I meant to just bump it, messing around but it spelt on the floor; I immediately apologised. He pulled my trouser down and punched me three times in the leg, only lightly though. I didn't do anything back.

I followed him upstairs - all fine at this point, still all in humour. As I got to the top he came out from the bathroom doorway and hit me on the head with a shin pad a few times out of nowhere and it hurt a bit. I complained, told him it hurt and he told me I was 'sulking again' and went to have his bath. I came downstairs upset. I went back and explained I didn't like it, and not to hit me 'playfully' as I worry it could lead to something worse.

He said sorry but It was my fault because I 'attacked' him lol, I was only messing around and didn't mean to spill the water. I felt intimidated but maybe I'm just being silly, over sensitive and easily intimidated in all fairness. He's sulky today and slept on the settee. Now I feel stupid but it just made me uncomfortable. The reaction afterwards more so to be honest. Is it immaturity?

Just needed to get it off my chest, am I being stupid?

OP, I understand what you are saying, I really do. But you know yourself now, it will never be the same.

The first time my ex was physically abusive I sat on the floor and cried. Not because I was hurt or scared, but because I knew it was effectively over and he wasn't the man I knew and loved. I didn't leave then, it took about 8 or so months of abuse... I said the usual "but I love him..." So what? Love is not enough, love can't change someone into a person you deserve.

He sounds physically and emotionally abusive, I know you have a young DC but you haven't been together long... I would seriously think about putting things into motion to get away from him... Don't stay, he won't change, you are slowly seeing the real him, you can't save him. It isn't your job, don't let him drag you down.

Thank you. I've tried talking to him today and he was immediately trivialising it and trying to blame me. I said what if I'm messing around again and do something you don't like - punch me in the face? Silence.

He said I'm always picking holes in him and so on trying to cause arguments. I told him talking helps to sort problems out, if one of us is unhappy about something its better than staying silent. Think I'm talking to a brick wall to be honest.

Going to play nice and start planning I think

A couple of weeks ago I was seriously on the verge of ending it. But then he was perfect and pulled it back, until now.

This has probably already occurred to you, but "a couple of weeks ago" - did that coincide with the incident where he physically hurt you and you shouted at him? He then played nice for 2 weeks - just 14 bloody days - and he's back to physically hurting you. On purpose.

You are trapped in the nice-nasty cycle.

It's possible to do the Freedom Programme from Womens Aid online if you can't attend a local meeting. I would really urge you to do so. It will help you see that his behaviour is NOT normal, is NOT loving, is NOT caring. In short, all the things you don't want in a partner or father of your DC.

Hi

I can't remember exactly when that happened - I just recalled it as I was writing. Fairly recently, within last few weeks.

Prior to the 2 weeks of joy lol, I was just reaching my limit with everything and getting very depressed and feeling very troubled about it all. I started to realise a lot.

I met with a really good friend and told him everything, he's the only person that knows anything - nothing going on or ever will btw lol

Following meeting with friend I pointed out to oh that almost everything he does, is in some way to benefit himself and I realise this. I told him that I wouldn't cling onto him if he left; he always used to kind of threaten or talk about splitting up after an argument and it would scare the hell out of me so I've taken that control away from him.

Anyway after this I was happier for getting it all off my chest but still very fed up, didn't feel in love - just didn't care anymore. I think he realised this and panicked perhaps.

He does a lot for me and I think he uses this to justify his behaviour I.e. yes I was a shit but look how much I do for you - I did this, and this. He used to remind me of all things he does for me all the time until I told him to cut it out. Although he'll still revert to this when it suits.

Nootherway - sorry you had to go through that, it must have been awful but you got away from it 😊. I think we might be better off with pet goldfish than men 🤣

What was happening the first time he hurt you? Were you play fighting then?

Stop 'joking' messing around. He then has no excuse for hurting you thinking you are playing.

He hurts you. You tell him off. He says you are over reacting then he is nice for a couple of weeks. He hurts you. You tell him off. He says you are over reacting...

Spotting the start of the cycle yet?

What do you see If you read back your comments on this thread? I see someone who is unhappy, who gets hurt by her partner, whose feelings and requests are ignored. This doesn’t feel to me like a happy, healthy relationship. I would certainly be telling him in no uncertain terms that if he ever hits you again, it’s all over. But even more, I think I’d be telling him to move out as you don’t feel comfortable around him any more and he does not respect you.

I would suggest whether you plan on leaving or staying that you no longer engage him in any sort of playful taps, slaps, flicks, etc. Like another poster said, playing is tickling or giving your partner a raspberry. This will guaruntee he has zero reason in his own mind to justify him having a reason to ever "get you back". I am not blaming you in ANY way, I just want you to protect yourself as much as possible if you stay. Please be safe

I would suggest whether you plan on leaving or staying that you no longer engage him in any sort of playful taps, slaps, flicks, etc. Like another poster said, playing is tickling or giving your partner a raspberry. This will guaruntee he has zero reason in his own mind to justify him having a reason to ever "get you back". I am not blaming you in ANY way, I just want you to protect yourself as much as possible if you stay.

But the OP wasn't playfully tapping him, she was just messing about with his water. He could literally turn anything into this if he wanted to.

OP I really think you should talk this over with someone. I don't see how pulling your trousers down to punch your leg is playful, but then hitting you over the head with an object is clearly not. And you said he has hurt you before.

Even if you were just playing, a normal response to you being upset and in pain because of it is remorse and apologies. Have you ever accidentally hurt someone? You feel awful that what you've done has caused that person pain. The fact he doesn't care speaks volumes as to his intentions.

he doesn't know his own strength

This is a line too often used to minimise abuse. My DM said it so often about my abusive F and his smacks that she admitted were far too hard (but didn't stop).

My DH is aware that he doesn't always know his own strength and used to worry that he might hurt our DDs when restraining them, so he doesn't do it, he uses words. Thus he avoids any risk of hurting them.

His dad's controlling of his mum and belittles/puts her down in front of people. I can't stand it, it's not nice.

I wonder how much witnessing this this affects a child/person growing up. Not trying to make excuses for him, just pondering out loud.

Bethy - yes as soon as the bottle hit the floor I apologised immediately, let alone hurting someone by mistake.

I tried talking to him today and it was turned on me, I don't want to try bringing it up again because I'm starting to feel pretty bad about myself to be honest.

I was with my ex for years - he wasn't perfect but at least I was relaxed around him. I rarely feel relaxed around oh, he says he feels like that around me as well. Not because I was scared but because it feels like an argument could start.

I look back at photos over the past year and I just feel unhappy.

I got pregnant so quickly, we weren't careful but I was besotted, stupid and in love. I thought I knew him, we'd been friends for more than a year before we got together. I think getting me pregnant was about control, he wanted it to happen and has admitted that. He says he owns me. I was a good catch..own house, good job and so on.

Eurgh. I feel very self centered going on about myself, sorry. It is helping me a lot to get this all down.

You're the OP, of course you're not self centred posting about yourself on your own thread!

He's abusive, it's clear as day to anyone who knows that there are some traits in a partner that cannot and should not ever be justified or counterbalanced with "good" stuff.

Sometimes I read threads on here that chill me to the bone and this is one of them.

He says he owns me

No wonder you feel unhappy, you should feel unhappy living with this jerk. Make him move out for a while to give you some space & then don’t let him move back in.

What can I expect if I do end it? How do people like this react - angry, spiteful?

I know he'll tell everyone and convince himself that I was the problem and so on but I'll have to live with that. He was incredibly bitter about his ex for a long time.

I'm worried he might try and take our baby, he has no where to go, but his mum would have her - she adores her like she's her own. I don't know to what extent they'd fight his corner. He has parental rights so I'm aware the police wouldn't be able to do anything.

I'm thinking worst case scenario as always, his mum says I'm a great mum so that's something. It's not like she's at risk, she's an incredibly happy baby. My biggest fear would be losing a child or be stopped from having them back.

Lordamighty - I think he's just joking. It's just one of the comments he makes that I remembered.

He's not going to take the baby. You are catastrophising.

He will be a dick. Of course he will. He owns you. Does that mean you have to stay with him for the rest of your life?

I wonder how much witnessing this this affects a child/person growing up
A LOT!!!!
It's all part of the cycle of abuse.
And if you remain with him your DC will become a victim or an abuser.
That's how it works.
That's how abuse keeps going in society.
It will become your DC normal.
So they will take on the role of victim (you), which is likely to be your DD, or abuser (your hideous partner) which is likely to be your DS.
And before you ask.... NO they can't change. They never ever do.
They may learn more subtle or different ways to abuse and control but it will never stop.

Start making plans to get away.
Protect your poor DC from all of this.
They have no choice in the matter. It is down to you to put a halt to the abuse cycle and teach them that relationships should ALWAYS be loving and respectful. And if they are not, then you can and should leave.

Get onto Womens Aid ASAP.
They can help you with an exit plan and can ensure you get out safely.

I was happier for getting it all off my chest but still very fed up, didn't feel in love - just didn't care anymore.
Josie this stood out to me because the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference and this tells me you are now indifferent to this horrid pathetic excuse for a man which puts you in a good place to get him out of your life.

I think getting me pregnant was about control, he wanted it to happen and has admitted that. He says he owns me. I was a good catch..own house, good job and so on.
You've hit the nail on the head, he targeted you because you had what he wanted. He swooped in, love bombed you, got you pregnant and now believes that because you share a baby he 'owns you' (shudder what a fucking creep). You are not a possession or a slave, no one owns you.

What can I expect if I do end it? How do people like this react - angry, spiteful?
Oh yes, he is going to be mightily pissed off that his 'possession' is using her own mind and making her own decisions and not just shutting up and taking it like a good little object should. Prepare yourself and expect him to get nasty. Talk to people in RL and get your support network in place. I don't think you need to worry about him taking your daughter, you are the stable primary caregiver and the house is yours. Speak to a solicitor to get information on where you stand with everything legally and speak to women's aid they will give you great advise and can help you get out safely.

You can't relax around him- put everything else in a box for a minute you can't relax around him, and he says he can't relax around you.
If anyone else said that about the person they were sharing their private personal space with, what would you say?

He will chip away at you, and then at your son, and finally when he has finished that he will either turn your daughter away from you both, making you out to be weak and faulty, or he will turn on her as well.
That is your future OP.

Thank you. He's quiet and down today which makes me want to feel sorry for him and i start to question myself. Is this all my fault, what if I'm the problem, all those things he says pop up in my mind..however I know how he's behaved now and in the past isn't right when you claim to love someone, nothing about it is. The more I think about everything that has happened, the more the puzzle seems to come together.

I have felt broken so many times. When I was pregnant he didn't come home one night, he was in a mood and had decided to stay at his parents. He wasn't talking to me so I was sat at home waiting for him and he just didn't come home. I was crying my eyes out thinking he'd left me.

There's been times I've been incredibly exhausted and he's gone for a lie down instead of help, or talking about splitting up when I got really depressed. When I'm at my worse and I need him, he lets me down. Shouting at me out of nowhere, then talking about splitting up when I tell him he was out of order.

Both pregnancy scans in the waiting room crying. He seems to think he's sticking up to me when he's behaved badly, instead of apologising. I put that down to immaturity.

I have distanced myself emotionally which is normally how I end up after an argument. I don't want to know. To be honest, I feel sick about it. This is so much to handle and contemplate.