I don't trust my perceptions

[BayTiger]

Hello, I have namechanged, I'm feeling unsure of my own perceptions at the moment and wondered if people could tell me whether they think I am being over sensitive or not.

My DH has become quite critical since we had our daughter (18 months old) but when I explain myself he says I am defensive and over sensitive and that I need to stop being like this. When he gets annoyed with me his tone gets very stern and I can only hear the anger in his voice - he says I need to ignore the tone and listen to the words he is saying. If I say anything critical back or defend myself he says that I'm unbelievable and that it's not about me, it's about our DC. It feels like if I say anything back he always has an answer or else he says 'no its YOU who does that/says that'. Last week he told me not to defy him and has told me off in front of our DC (which I won't respond to, I walk away).

It makes me feel like I'm going mad as I can't make any point myself I just have to take in what he criticises me about. The criticism can be quite mundane things like the way I look after our daughter, taking her out for too long and don't warrant the level of anger I see on his face. He has in the past called me things like a fucking idiot and often says the things I say in my defence are ridiculous or ludicrous. I am beginning to feel quite anxious and don't have anyone to talk to so just wanted to see whether people think this lies with me, maybe I am being too defensive. I have tried speaking to my sister but she doesn't really understand and says we are probably both to blame.

I have really supported him over the years with problems he has had with gambling and binge drinking and feel that he takes out his own anxieties on me. He is very friendly and charming and I don't think anyone would believe he could be an angry type of person. I'm not perfect by any means by the way, and I take responsibility for my flaws. I have just noticed that his character seems to have got more critical since our daughter was born.

Defy him? Wtf! Who does he think he is? Your fucking teacher?
He was a gambling, drinking twat before. Now he's an abusive, gambling, drinking twat because he thinks he's got you trapped.

Ignore your sister, she only sees his fake charming side and you probably minimised his behaviour over the years.

You stay it's always going to be like this. Or worse.

Whose home is it? Ducks in row. Before he makes you feel like you've gone completely mad and have no self esteem left.

I think the worst thing is OP when you see this kind of thing, words make it horribly real, I found written stuff, but it was from a long time ago and although I have stayed it does still eat away somewhat, I have to be honest if it was something very recent I had found, I would have made a decision to split , I think it’s tge trust thing you will find hard to get past, I still do and it’s from 12 years ago(but only found 18 months ago) . Certainly if it’s not a total one off, I would think he has a problem and isn’t committed enough . It’s really hard I know

Oh and it doesn’t matter how nice /charming he is. Other people dont live with him day after day

His behaviour sounds unacceptable to me. My confidence is different since having a baby, and I’m definitely more vulnerable to criticism - my husband is aware of this and mostly makes an effort to communicate in a way that doesn’t knock me down.

It can be helpful to set aside a specific time each week when you’re both calm to talk through any worries (“I get anxious if you’re out for a long time, please text if you’re going to be late home” “I feel threatened and talked down to when you raise your voice, please use a neutral tone so I can listen objectively” whatever), and outside of that you’re both consciously kind and supportive.

But if he isn’t up for this, or can’t see why it’s a good idea, then it’s probably time to call it a day. Staying close to someone who doesn’t care about making you feel shit is a terrible idea.

Remember this. He is not your boss. You're both your child's parents and you're a great mum who knows how to look after her child. Ignore him or tell him to piss off.

Thanks for the replies, it helps to get some feedback as I can't speak to anyone I know. I have quite low self esteem and it feels like this is knocking it. I feel so confused after these criticisms, he thinks of them as arguments but I can't even see then as that. Since we bought our house he seems to have become more critical, well that's when it started and it's got worse since our daughter came along. There have been a few times where he has been angry at me for a week or two, he will seem like he's gone back to normal and then keep bringing up the thing I've done wrong. I feel guilty now for posting as he can be very kind and does say I'm a good mum, he has a very stressful job and I think this has a lot to do with it. I find that when people raise their voices at me I don't take in what they are saying and lose the thread of their point and end up a horrible confused tearful mess. Thanks for giving me a bit of clarity.

I'm starting to feel like I work for him as he points out my parenting faults in front of our daughter and will then be very affectionate to her, he often apologises to her for things I have got wrong.

Research the circle of abuse: nice to nasty to nice again. Don't get suckered by Mr Nice. He only exists as a front for Mr Nasty and to keep you second guessing yourself. It's a ploy and very manipulative.

He sounds like a bully. I daresay he feels as though he has the upper hand now. Don't put up with it.

Does he ever carry on like that with others present? If he does, maybe one of those will say something to him, such as, "That was a bit out of order".

Thank you for all the advice, I will do some further reading, it's hard to think that the person you love could be being like this on purpose. I had a sharp telling off from my sister a few nights ago when I tried talking to her and it's made my anxiety spiral as I feel like I'm imagining it all.

Stressful job's fault my arse. Millions of people have stressful jobs and don't treat their partner like shite.

He's not just manipulative to you, he's manipulative to your daughter as well. Puts you down to her, then immediately gives her lots of affection. He's trying to drive a wedge between you: mummy is not to be trusted cos she's always wrong and stupid and daddy is the one who loves you. Bet he underminds you with rules and boundaries too? You say no sweets before dinner. He makes you out to be mean mummy while he laughs at you and gives her sweets anyway.

No he's not like it when other people are around, he is usually a lot more affectionate then. It seems like I get his back up a lot at the moment, when I ask what's wrong he says YOU'RE what's wrong :(

Well not so much with sweets and things but more like if I take away something unsafe she's got hold of and she cries then he will apologise to her, whereas I would rather upset her than she plays with something she might break or hurt herself with.

He sounds like a shit father and husband. He is completely wrong. Reassess your relationship and don't confide in your sister because her reaction isn't normal either.

Gosh, he sounds just like my exH who used to call me an Airhead and criticise everything I did. When I finally left him he told me I'd never cope on my own - I'm pleased to say that I coped very well! Don't put up with the bullying, you are worth so much more x

Get the Lundy Bancroft book. It's an eye opener.

Op, I had an unsettled and unhappy childhood in many ways. It left me with a need for calm and kindness. I worked on my self esteem in lots of different ways, and worked out with a therapist how to ask for what I wanted on a relationship. When I got together with my dh I told him that we could talk about anything, but I asked him to never speak to me on anger, and to never shout at me. It’s too triggering, I can’t hear what’s being said because I imediately turn into a terrified child.
He loves me so he respects this. He has a stressful high pressure job, but he doesn’t take his stress out on me.
Sorry to write so much about myself, but I See lots of parallels between you and I, and I just wanted to show you my way of handling it.
Your husband is bullying you. He has no right o criticise you or take his anger out on you. It’s not up to you to filter out his tone( over90% of communication is not the words we say, it’s how we say them) it’s up to him to change his tone.
If he can bring things to you in a neutral manner then fine, but tell him you are not up for arguments/ criticism, just talking on a rational, warm open manner.
A communication tool that I used to use a lot called Daily Temperature Reading could be useful. It goes like this
Appreciations, speaks for itself.

New information, ie I’ve got a meeting on Wednesday, or John wanted to speak to you, etc

Puzzles: things like, I saw you were googling the new iPhone, would you like one for Christmas , or whatever.

Complaints with recommendations for change: like it says, so. You interrupted me twice when I was reading last night, I’d really like to be left to read unless it’s unavoidable.

It is used lots in couples therapy, and can really really make breakthroughs in connection between couples. Google it there’s lots on the web.
Wow that was long....

Thank you Ohyesiam for that helpful advice, sorry to hear that you too have had similar feelings but it's great that you have worked out an effective way to communicate. I will give that a try. I do ask him to lower his tone and speak to me more calmly as I just can't listen when someone is visibly angry. He jabs his fingers around to make his point and that's all I can focus on! He is now being very affectionate and nice since his outburst the other day.

I have been told all my life that I am too sensitive so I'm never really sure whether this is just how normal people communicate and I'm just being a weakling. I had mental health problems when I was younger so again I sometimes think I am interpreting normal communication wrongly. But it sounds like he is being a bit over the top when he gets mad. He is generally very nice and affectionate but this temper is coming out more often now and he is becoming more like his dad. My FIL doesn't really respect me as he wanted to have a lot of control over our wedding and at one point I got cross and asserted myself. Since then I don't think he has really liked me and at one point when he visited (he is from a different culture and lives abroad) he turned his back on me when I asked him something and didn't answer. Funnily enough since then my husband has become less respectful towards me I think, so I end up feeling a bit on edge when we have his family visiting. Anyone else who knows him would never believe he would have a temper as it would look so out of character to anyone else so they would probably think it was down to me.

Sorry that's a bit of a digression but I appreciate the advice and just the validation really. Thank you Thingsdogetbetter, Musti, yetmorecrap, Verbena, Rebecca, Bluebell and Nicelunch for your replies and kindness. Sorry to all of you who have been through similar and heaps worse.

Op, your sensitivity is information for you about how you need your environment to be. When o started listening to my needs instead of judging them( why am I so sensitive, it’s not normal etc) my life became much more straight forward. And after a while I became less sensitive. So it started with me needing space and therapy and away from toxic people and to not override my feelings. The process of listening to myself and learning to ask for things i needed seemed to be really healing, I am much more robust now.
I’m glad he’s being kinder now. It might be a good time to mention DTR, when he is more receptive.
Good luck with it all.

DTR = Daily TemperatureReadings, give it a google x

It sounds like you are married to my stbxh...please make plans to leave, it will only get worse x

Last week he told me not to defy him
WOW - I'd have told him that I am a grown up and he doesn't get to tell me what to do - he sounds like an abusive twat OP.
But I think you already know that.
Abusers usually start to show their true colours during pregnancy or once a baby is around.
They think they have you trapped and can keep pushing your boundaries.
I'm not surprised you have low self-esteem and feel like you are going crazy.
That's what living with an abuser does to you.
The only way to get 'yourself' back is to get away.
This is abuse. The sooner you can see that the better.

Get in touch with Womens Aid and tell them what you have told us.
They can help to reassure you that you are not going mad.
That you are in fact being abused and that you do need to leave.
They can also help you with a safe exit plan.

This is no way to live OP.
And will teach your DD some horrible things about what relationships should look like. It will go round in the 'cycle of abuse' and she will choose a partner just like your DH.
So when your DD is older and she comes to you and tells you what you have said here... What will you advise her?
You will tell her to get out.
If it's not good enough for your DD then it's not good enough for you and your DD.

You cannot change an abuser.
You cannot appease an abuser.
They will just keep moving the goal posts.
YOU will always be wrong.
Best to show your DD that women don't have to live with abuse.
That we are strong and independent and that we do not need men like this around.

Get the Lundy Bancroft book and a good counsellor (you should be able to get 6 seasons through the NHS if you can’t pay privately)

I had both and although it took 18 months from making the decision, until actually splitting, they both helped so much. The counsellor actually seemed to “get it” which other people don’t a lot of the time. She actually started clapping when I told her he’d finally moved out.

You are not going crazy. I totally relate to “the level of anger on his face” being unwarranted.

I remember my DH saying to me “Just shut the fuck up and drive” when we’d taken a wrong turn - with our young DC in the back listening - but it was the way he hissed it at me though gritted teeth, so furious as if he HATED me. Completely unwarrented - I knew where we were going and he had insisted on going a different way to start with! I wasn’t in the least bit stressed or argumentative, it wasn’t an “argument” it was the way he would speak to me at times.

But to other people? .... the perfect family man, so kind and calm. I used to wish I had a hidden camera.

I believe you OP. And you might be surprised to learn later than some other people see through him more than you think.

(And it was after our first DC was born that his irritable, angry side came out and I suddenly couldn’t do right for doing wrong - and it only got worse after we had more.)

I hear the whine of an air raid siren, getting louder and louder as I read your posts...

He started changing when you bought the house - meaning - once there was a mortgage in place. Something that was difficult to get out of. So... He started like this once he began to notice that you could no longer walk away from him too easily...

And now it's got worse since your DD was born.

Again. He knows, he's realized, he has you trapped. So now he can start saying and doing whatever he likes...

The defiance comment made my blood run cold.
As did him apologizing to your DD for your "behaviour".

Op... My ex did this. I've seen this film. You need to get out. Do it before DD has memories. Do not stay in this situation or it's DD who will have to suffer for it in the end.