Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Single and wondering

42 replies

Willing2acceptAdvice · 23/08/2018 08:16

Hi all,

Just wondering what your thoughts are on a subject that’s been playing on my mind.

I am single. I’m 35 almost 36. I don’t seem to be having much look in the dating department. I’m 35, own car, house and good job. I don’t have children and would like them. I’m a handsome guy but don’t seem to be getting much luck? Someone said something about my age and maybe people are put off by that the other day and it played on my mind so I thought I would ask here as it seems a good place we’re people give good advice.

Is my when somethinng that is likely to put someone off? If you were 30-34 be put off by my age? Or am I just reading into things a little too much...

OP posts:
Bambi99 · 23/08/2018 08:50

I wouldn't be put off by your age and I'm 30. People maybe assuming your in a relationship or not confident to approach u, doesn't mean it is your fault x

booboobutt · 23/08/2018 09:07

Why do you specify 30-34 if you are almost 36? Do you only want to be in a relationship with a younger woman? That's not a very attractive attitude. And I'm 31.

Funicorn · 23/08/2018 09:18

Agree there boooboobutt - there is nothing more off-putting in a profile than a guy with stated young ages ! Makes you think he is a pratt to start with . However this age range is not ridiculous - is it because you would like to have children OP?

Kinunir · 23/08/2018 10:02

Your age is totally irrelevant Willing - I'm late 40s and just do not have time to meet every woman I match with on OLD (I'm looking at my age, a bit younger and a bit older).

I'm looking for nothing too serious - if I wanted a relationship, the potential pool would be much, much bigger.

In your 30s, you should have no trouble finding someone whatsoever.

Emmageddon · 23/08/2018 10:07

Have you tried OLD? I'm surprised you're struggling to meet women with all your assets. I'd have thought you'd be beating them off with a stick.

dirtybadger · 23/08/2018 10:11

No I can't see why your age would be off putting. Have you had LTR's before?

I might be put off by someone who was your age who had never had a long relationship but other than that I can't see any link. Must be loads of women late 20s to late 30s who would be interested in someone around about your age.

Hanbam · 23/08/2018 10:15

Your exactly the same as my female cousin to an absolute tee. She’s beautiful and kind, she’s has been single for coming up to 6 years. She does sometimes feel down as all of her family and friends have children etc but she makes the most of her friends, is extremely social. She’s tried OLD and doesn’t particularly like it BUT she will not settle for someone just because, If it means she never has children or stays single forever then so be it. I know she will find someone she just has to relax a bit, could this be the same for you?

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 10:27

Why do you specify 30-34 if you are almost 36? Do you only want to be in a relationship with a younger woman? That's not a very attractive attitude. And I'm 31.

Oh for crying out loud. I know women who only look at guys a few years younger than them. I know women who only look at guys who are over 6ft tall. I'm 44 and my last relationship was with a woman who was 10 years older than me. It lasted many years but the age gap was definitely an issue in the latter half and I wouldn't want to repeat it so I would probably look for someone 40-44 if I was looking again. There's nothing wrong with it.

If the OP was 50 and looking for that much younger, you might have a point, or if OP was 36 looking for 24-28 you might have a point. But you really don't and it looks pathetic. It's finding fault because he's a man and you wouldn't make that point if a woman said it.

buckingfrolicks · 23/08/2018 10:29

I'd think you were a pillock specifying you are interested only in women younger than you, even if I was. It goes with thoughtless misogyny in my book.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 10:33

What? So no one is allowed to have a preference when it comes to dating? Bloody hell.

He may not SPECIFY this on his flipping profile. That may just be the age he is looking at and messaging. I agree if he puts on his profile something like "You must be within the ages of 30-34" but looking at the vast majority of my married/coupled friends, the man is two or three years older than the woman. Shock horror. How DARE they.

crappyday2018 · 23/08/2018 11:03

I agree with @ShatnersWig. When I did OLD, I avoided much younger aged men (up to 32) because more often than not, they ended up just wanting to shag an 'older woman'. I looked at 35-48 (I'm 42). Does that make me a bad person?
OP I wouldn't be put off by your age and very much doubt many women would be.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 11:06

@crappyday2018 Ah, but you also looked at some older men too, that's allowed. If you'd ONLY looked at men younger than you, you'd be frowned upon. Apparently.

Vari757 · 23/08/2018 11:06

If it helps, I'm 26 and would consider dating someone at 36. It would actually be a bonus for me that you didn't have kids yet as I find the men in the age group I am interested in often do.

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 11:07

@Vari757 No, that's not allowed, apparently, according to some posters. Oh, sorry, you're probably allowed to look for an older man, but the older man isn't allowed to look for you.

Hundredacrewoods · 23/08/2018 11:09

If a man wants more than one child, not dating women 35+ is eminently sensible.

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 23/08/2018 11:17

My rules when I did online dating were my age and up to 5 years older (although my boyfriend now is younger).

I wouldn't date anyone who specified a maximum age that was lower than their own age or where their upper end cut off was their own age. Even if I fell into that age range.

Willing do you know why people are suggesting your age might be the issue?

You seem to have some good boxes ticked so reasons i've rejected otherwise seemingly ok men are:

Arrogance - some women like it, I don't

A 'wandering eye' - checking out all women

No hobbies or hobbies that are incompatible with me and my life

Poor personal, including dental, hygiene

Men who are 'adoring' - the sort who you catch just staring at you when you are out at the pub quiz with some mates rather than joining in and having a laugh

Men who pass judgement on what I wear, what I drink or any other aspect of myself

Men who have an idea of what a 'woman' should be and expect me to behave accordingly...

Men who express racist, sexist, homophobic attitudes on any level - always pick them up on it and it's not popular!

Men who find an opportunity to make every conversation sexual.

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 23/08/2018 11:19

Aware those probably make me sound quite aggressive! In reality they are silent decisions I make that just mean I wouldn't take things further.

Original poster
Willing2acceptAdvice · 23/08/2018 12:58

@shanterswig Thanks for your support.

I do not specify what age group I would date on my OLD profile. I am fairly relaxed. It was a specific question around that age group because I’ve messaged a few people but with no joy and not hearing back from them is soul destroying.

I can not believe that makes me a bad person. I was simply asking if anyone that age would have a problem with my age and be put off by it.

I have hobbies, I don’t have a wandering eye. I’ll message one person and wait for a reply by giving it a day or two. I’ll often have my profile looked at but then I don’t get a reply. It’s confusing and heart breaking and we’re I thought people would be nice and helpful they found fault in what I was asking...

OP posts:
Emmageddon · 23/08/2018 13:08

I think you should date @Hanbam's cousin Wink

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 23/08/2018 14:36

@Willing2acceptAdvice

It doesn't sound as though you're doing anything unreasonable so I'd imagine it's just a case of not having found someone who feels they'd be compatible with you yet.

If you're talking about online dating specifically, do you have a well written profile? Does it read like a CV or have you injected humour into it?

The emails I was most likely to respond to demonstrated the following qualities: someone who didn't take themselves too seriously; someone who had clearly read my profile and was able to tell me one or two things that had made them want to contact me and why; and someone who didn't have any "woe is me" element to it. If the messages were "hey"; "howz u?" or contained text speak or dire/lazy/absent! SPaG, then i didn't reply. If they were very lengthy then I didn't reply just because I didn't have the time to invest in lengthy initial exchanges.

Have you asked a female friend to read your profile? That might be an idea. It might not be your age but something really simple to fix.

I just wondered why you think it might be an age issue?

FairylightsTentsAndBunting · 23/08/2018 14:37

I don't think people were finding fault in what you were asking; just wondering why you focused on the age thing rather than just a general "what can i do to improve my chances?"

You need a very thick skin for online dating! Wink

ALittleBitConfused1 · 23/08/2018 14:48

Im 40 and old. I would only date men younger than me if they had children already.
Not because im a pillock but because i dont want more children and a younger man without them is usually going to want them. We all have specific needs to meet. I get alot of messages from younger guys and rarely respond. Im looking for someone older who has done the marriage and kids thing and is therefore more suited to the relationship model i am seeking. Theres nothing wrong with that.
If op was 40 odd and specifying 20 to 25 year olds then maybe it would raise questions but i think its fine looking in the age range he is, for the reasons he is.

PianoThirty · 23/08/2018 15:06

Where are you falling down?

If you’re messaging 3-4 women and getting no response, just keep trying. Online dating is a numbers game, you need to message dozens at least.

If you’re not getting past the initial screening, then there’s something wrong with your presentation. Get a haircut, put on some nice clothes, and get a professional photo taken for your profile.

If you’re getting rejected after the first date or two, read carefully everything that @FairylightsTentsAndBunting said. Personal hygiene is the big one: go to the dentist and make sure your breath doesn’t smell; get a haircut (I know I said it already, but it makes a big difference!); and wear nice clothes. Get the basics right and the rest should be plain sailing!

ShatnersWig · 23/08/2018 15:11

Get the basics right and the rest should be plain sailing!

It should, but we all know very often it isn't. Like the poster's cousin above, I know attractive, intelligent women with interesting hobbies, no kids, good photos, good profile - done the OLD thing to death and single after years.

There are LOTS of reasons why often men aren't doing well OP. One of them being that there are far more men than women on the dating sites, a lot of women get bombarded with messages, more than they can cope with, so a lot of good guys get totally ignored. Or sometimes you're just in the wrong area. Loads of reasons, often nothing to do with you at all. But yes, hugely thick skin. I know guys who have good profiles, good looking, right sort of age, open to having kids, can send out 100 of messages and get one reply. Seriously.

AtrociousCircumstance · 23/08/2018 15:13

There might be something in your profile which puts people off. Perhaps get a female friend to read it and give you feedback?